Unsure of Myself

[greenbean]

I've been on this site once before but that was a long time ago, and I've forgotten the info. I'm back here again because I'm unsure of myself. I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the right place, but here goes: I'm not sure if I'm just a feminine male, an androgyne, or a transgender female. It makes me uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. Maybe it's because I don't live in one of the greatest parts of town or places in my country. I don't know.

I feel enough like a man, and I hate it. Whenever anyone comments or praises my masculinity or "How I've grown since the last time," makes me feel like I'm going to burst into tears. Not many of my "friends" understand me, so it's hard to confide in them. I wanna be more feminine, but I still want to be me. I wanna grow my hair out without my mother or any one else telling me that I need to cut it because, "It's much too long" or "No one will ever hire me looking like that." I wanna shave my legs and body without anyone taking a double-take. I wanna wear a dress to prom, maybe makeup. I want a male friend.

I wish I could become pregnant.

There's a lot of things I want, and I know it must get tired of hearing everyone else complain when everyone else has their own problems too, but it's hard. I've never fit in anywhere. Sure, I may have friends, but I have only one other person to talk to, and while he is agender and gets some of it, he started off on the complete other side of the spectrum, and we can't seem to connect as we clash and only have what the other wants. I guess what I really want is someone to talk to; I don't like sitting in the dark and only making myself sadder.

(I wish I was safer or I would post more in-depth)

[Umiko]

it would go in introductions but your good lol. i totally know where your coming from. have you sought out therapy? or have you talk to a counselor at least? i can totally see where your coming from and holding it in can be pretty terrifying.

[greenbean]

I wish I could have sought out therapy sooner, but I'm too scared to talk to my parents about it; I don't think my parents would be very supportive about it. My dad didn't really talk to me for awhile when I told everyone I liked men and he tried to get me to go to a bunch of support groups where parents go with their kids so "I could meet other people like me" but that's not what I wanted or needed, and it was really just so he could "cope". My mother was pretty okay about it, but I distinctly remember her asking me if I was into dressing up in girl clothes, but I wasn't sure with her tone if she was being inquisitive or if she was feel some sort of relief (?). She's been trying to cut off all of my hair, so I don't think she's really someone I could go to.

I'm almost 18, so maybe I'll go then, but I fear becoming more and more masculine. I've noticed small things and so have many other people. There really isn't anyone to talk to, not many people are very accepting from where I come from.

[Umiko]

I know the feeling. My mom has been trying to make me get a hair cut for the longest time and she keeps questioning whether its just me being gay. Honestly, no matter how much i try to educated her, she just keeps downplaying it. Is there a guidance counselor at your school? They cant say anything that u dont want them to unless its about self harm or harming others.

[greenbean]

Yeah, several in fact, but I don't know how comfortable I would be. Most of the time their doors are always open, as in when they talk with students, they have the door wide open for everyone to hear. Plus the don't lock them either, and counselors barge into each others' rooms all the time. There might be one I might be willing to talk to, but most of them no, probably. One of my old teacher's told us last year that she was gay and she formed a LGBT group, maybe I could talk to her... The group thing is a nay though. While everyone knows I like guys, people always talk about the kids in it and the group pulls people out of class for their discussions weekly, and I'm not big on being in the spotlight, I have enough of it already.

Do you need your parents' consent to go to the doctor and get hormones?

[Taka]

in norway, you don't need parents' consent to go to a doctor after 16. but hormones generally needs an adult's consent to be taken. if it's not too long before you're 18, you could make a visit to the doctor a birthday present to yourself. if it's too far off for the safety of your mental health, you should try to find out if you could at least get hormone blockers until you're 18.

your mother probably knows deep down that you're transgender, but is a state of denial where she thinks everything will turn out "normal" if she can just keep it that way for long enough. reason why she insists on cutting you hair... she won't have to admut the truth of what she observes until someone puts it into words for her, and she might be hoping that you'll never do that.

you do sound like a girl btw. being complimented on your manly features shouldn't feel bad if your any man at all.

[Satinjoy]

Agree with Taka all counts, but try to get parents to buy in on the therapy.  Gender Dysphoria is no joke, needs professional attention big time, shrink first then probably endo will come to pass

Sometimes it takes a while to sort out the non binary from the binary with dysphoria.  I was mad at the male, when I stopped blaming him for everything and recognized his strong points, the world changed and my whole personality came together.  With an amazing freedom from fear resulting, that with acceptance.

It can be hard on parents but ultimately they will want you to be happy.

[LordKAT]

Hi greenbean,

Could you see a therapist? tell your parents it is for depression maybe. That would give you a head start on being able to get hormones and give you someone to talk to.

I'm glad you are here though and there is always an open ear around.

You said you haven't been here in a while and forgot a lot of the rules so I am posting some links to the rules and some often asked questions to help.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Dealing with parents can be difficult, with a therapist, you wouldn't be dealing with it alone. You aren't alone as long as you can come here either.

[greenbean]

your mother probably knows deep down that you're transgender, but is a state of denial where she thinks everything will turn out "normal" if she can just keep it that way for long enough. reason why she insists on cutting you hair... she won't have to admut the truth of what she observes until someone puts it into words for her, and she might be hoping that you'll never do that.

you do sound like a girl btw. being complimented on your manly features shouldn't feel bad if your any man at all.

Idk, it's just that I'm always told things like I'm "handsome" and that boys are supposed to do this and not that, and no one ever says positive things about my feminine attributes. Even with small things, like if I joke about how my "boobs" hurt (which they do, all the time), and everyone says things like, "You don't have boobs, you have pecs" and I'm like okay, great. I'm really just trying to find common ground. It's not like I really hate my masculine attributes either. My big thing though is being tall, and  it has its perks, but when everyone always comments on it I feel sick. I know I'm still growing, and I'm always telling people that I don't want to grow taller, as doctors have told me I'm supposed to be 6'4, which is not ideal for me.

It can be hard on parents but ultimately they will want you to be happy.

I wanna believe that, but it seems kind of hard. I have more faith in my mother than I do my father.

Hi greenbean,

Could you see a therapist? tell your parents it is for depression maybe. That would give you a head start on being able to get hormones and give you someone to talk to.

I'm glad you are here though and there is always an open ear around.

Dealing with parents can be difficult, with a therapist, you wouldn't be dealing with it alone. You aren't alone as long as you can come here either.

Therapists kind of make me feel uncomfortable, but I know they're there to help me. I haven't had many good experiences with many though. I used to see them, from about the time I was in 2nd grade to about 8th grade. My parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade, and I got really depressed for awhile. My family still kind of asks me if I'm okay.

My sessions were usually unpleasant. I felt fine talking about my feelings most of the time, but many of them blamed me and told me I was hiding things and that I wouldn't admit things, when I honestly was, and I even got accused of stealing and abusing drugs, which I didn't. I've lost count of the number I saw back then. Probably just a bad batch, right?

And thank you guys for your responses and feedback, it's really making me feel a little bit better.

[Umiko]

well, your still very young so you have that going for you. my suggestion is to do some writing. it helps get some of this off your shoulders. my therapist had me write a story of my life and not miss any details. i found that by writing, i learned a lot more about myself because it had me thinking. from that he used it to help me figure out what i am. through it, he figured out i had a strong anxiety disorder, and i was still suffering PTSD. we will be here for support as well. dont give up and just keep moving forward. 

[greenbean]

well, your still very young so you have that going for you. my suggestion is to do some writing. it helps get some of this off your shoulders. my therapist had me write a story of my life and not miss any details. i found that by writing, i learned a lot more about myself because it had me thinking. from that he used it to help me figure out what i am. through it, he figured out i had a strong anxiety disorder, and i was still suffering PTSD. we will be here for support as well. dont give up and just keep moving forward. 

What a rollercoaster that will be! One of my old therapists tried to get me to do that, so I think I'll give it another shot. Going to start on my laptop though, so there's no physical evidence out there. My sister found the beginning of my old one  and had my dream journal stolen a few years back. Not too happy when people go through my stuff without my permission or knowledge.

I've noticed there's blogs (?) on this site? Would that be a good place? I would be fine with people looking at it as no one knows who I am and I would always know where it would be.

[Umiko]

What a rollercoaster that will be! One of my old therapists tried to get me to do that, so I think I'll give it another shot. Going to start on my laptop though, so there's no physical evidence out there. My sister found the beginning of my old one  and had my dream journal stolen a few years back. Not too happy when people go through my stuff without my permission or knowledge.

I've noticed there's blogs (?) on this site? Would that be a good place? I would be fine with people looking at it as no one knows who I am and I would always know where it would be.

thats why get one of those electronic diaries that need a code to read what you wrote xD. idk about blogs. its the internet so there is a risk of hacking.

[greenbean]

Electronic diary???

[Umiko]

Electronic diary???

like the password journals. JP. i say get a metal lock box with a key or a safe and put the writing in there. i dont have much privacy either but i usually keep my notebook in my backpack and carry it with me every where so they can go looking all they want but they wont find it lol