A couple days ago I recently stumbled upon this website and it didnt really seem much of use to me but now I feel like i was lead here for a reason. and that reason is to get answers to questions I've been obsessing over lately. But before i get to that lemme tell u who i am first
Right now i identify as lesbian and i have a girlfriend. Since i was little I liked girls, but I've always been somewhat confused on how i feel i should present myself. When i was in 2nd grade i thought for sure i was a boy. my name was derrick, brandon occasionally, and i always told myself im a boy im a boy im a boy. Growing older i realised its not so much a boy that i want to be..what i want to be is myself. Throughout elementary i identified as bisexual. it started off as me liking boys more then as i got older i started to like girls more. there was something about the value i felt when a girl looked at me a certain way or when a girl rested her head on my shoulder. it felt so good n rite. in 7th grade i was a closeted kindof questioning gay girl. there was an open lesbian couple at my middle school, a stud n femme relationship and i wanted so bad to be in the studs position (for those of u that dont kno a stud is a dominant masculine lesbian with great boyish persona). at the end of the year my secret kind of got out when my friend told my crush i liked her, so in 8th grade i was out. a lot of girls were attracted to me, and i grew more comfortable with the masculine role. i was still kind of nervous about being out, i had never out right told anyone i was gay except for friends. I got my first gf that summer. in 9th grade my high school is really friendly and open minded so i didnt feel the need to hide who i was at all. I was sill getting used to it but it was a lot better than middle school. that summer i got my 2nd gf who i am with now (in 2 weeks we'll be a year strong woohoo) . and this is where my question lies.
i kind of recently discovered what being transgender was. at first i thought that it was a person who transformed from male to female or female to male, or for example a man who still had a penis but puts on make up and lives as a woman only to end up on maury telling his boyfriend he's actually a man (stereotypical i kno but u see how bad society messed up my view on it). i recently read that being TG can be as simple as your insides not matching up with your outsides. witch defines me perfectly. i am totally fine with being a female n have no intent to change my sex, but gender wise and on the inside i want to be more of a boy. for starters i am seen as a tomboy/male role in most situations: i am the male role in my relationship & in most cases im one of the guys. but somethings are holding me back. my mom knows im gay and doesnt accept it at all, so she's a big reason why i dont feel comfortable being fully masculine. its sort of a habit to make my voice lighter and talk with girl cousins instead of playing with boy cousins because of my mom. i've been forced into a habit of being someone that im not. after a few months of trying to rediscover myself, i've realised that my feminine habits are becoming overwhelming for me. It feels really nasty inside when i say "heeyy" in a higher tone than a "Wassup" in my natural tone. most of my friends are girls and i have no problem with that, i just wish i fit in with boys as well. its always awkward because i want so bad to fit in with them but i feel like an outsider because of the feminine habits i have. i want to become more comfortably masculine with how i speak how i act what i wear what i do. but theres this thought that i just want to do it just because, and im really gonna marry a man because thats how its supposed to be. it tells me to look at boys pics and force myself to try and see me with them or to call them cute. I hate that voice it makes me feel so uncomfortable. i also feel iffy about it because of my religion which is christian even tho i believe god n jesus loves me the way i am. i just wanna be comfortable with who i really am. i want to play sports and be physically fit and talk with a little more bass and be more dominant and dress more boyishly fresh and stylish and fit in with the guys without feeling like an outsider. i dont want my family or people looking at me and seeing a little sweet innocent girl. I want to be treated as more of a guy. i want to do it all without caring what my mom or what anyone else thinks. this phase in my life is really overwhelming and i just want it to end. i want to be me.
questions:
1. am i transgendered or lesbian or is there really a difference. is there a such thing with a TG lesbian lol?
2. should i start seeing myself as a boy in order to act how i want? i feel like that will only make me want to be one?
3. how do i stop trying to force myself to be a traditional female (stop calling guys cute or forcing myself to see myself with them)
4. how to be me without caring what my mom or others think?
5. where do i start?
