ugly

[sad panda]

Lately I'm realizing I'm never going to stop feeling intensely incredibly ugly. I feel gross and disgusting and like I'm burdening people by being in their sight. Esp. around normal girls. I feel like if I ever manage to be pretty it's just cuz I hid all the ugly parts. It's esp bad now that it's summer and my legs are covered in scars so I don't know what to do. They're also pasty because I haven't gotten a tan yet... oh yeah and all my gross stretch marks are showing on my arms and legs.

What should I do? I am pretty positive I want to live as a boy now, that or just, idk, crawl in a ditch and die? cuz this is way too painful, and it never goes away, I just can't change my presentation yet.  I know I sound really shallow, I can't help it, it makes life completely unbearable to me even if I want to be a less shallow person.

[Umiko]

i unfortunately know that pain all to well. if you wanna talk about it, i'm here to listen

[sad panda]

Thanks. I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't want to care about this but every time I go out it just discourages me and I want to avoid people. I don't avoid them but then I spend the whole time hating myself for being so ugly and unwanted and think they are probably judging me, but if they're not judging me that they are probably just being nice.

[Umiko]

trust me, i know. i'm hating myself again right now. i let myself get so high that once i crash, its over, i may as well not move again. i try to reach my goals but yet the finish line disappears from me, and no matter how optimistic i get, that gnawing feeling never disappears and always manages to get the best of me at times when i'm at my weakest. i guess my vulnerabilities run a lot deeper than i thought. i'm sry, this isnt helping you better 

[sad panda]

trust me, i know. i'm hating myself again right now. i let myself get so high that once i crash, its over, i may as well not move again. i try to reach my goals but yet the finish line disappears from me, and no matter how optimistic i get, that gnawing feeling never disappears and always manages to get the best of me at times when i'm at my weakest. i guess my vulnerabilities run a lot deeper than i thought. i'm sry, this isnt helping you better 

Naw it's okay, I wish I could get high too :3 I'm feeling crazy and need to let it out.

*hugssss*

[Umiko]

Naw it's okay, I wish I could get high too :3 I'm feeling crazy and need to let it out.

*hugssss*

do like i do. climb on the roof and just scream your lungs out. just dont fall cuz its not a fun trip lol.

[sad panda]

do like i do. climb on the roof and just scream your lungs out. just dont fall cuz its not a fun trip lol.

I wanted to go on the roof to tan lol. But I would fall. and our roof is messed up. They have to come and fix it. + there are bugs outside. I'm thinking I wanna just redecorate my whole house right now or something. to make it comfortable so I don't have to go out ever again. ughhhh I hate this mood.

[Umiko]

i'm sry your feeling so down hun. seriously wish i could say more but me being in the same mood, i dont really know what to say 

[LordKAT]

What exactly would you do to redecorate your house? I'm totally horrible at making a house look like something you want to be in. It is decorated in dumpster/impulse style.

[Ms Grace]

I agree. What is you believe is wrong with the way you look? What could you (realistically) do to change that?

[sad panda]

What exactly would you do to redecorate your house? I'm totally horrible at making a house look like something you want to be in. It is decorated in dumpster/impulse style.

Well I've been trying to paint all this old wooden trim all by myself  for starters. It is proving to be an endless job though, it takes 5 coats of paint I did 3 rooms so far and it's sooo much work! I'm not an amazing decorator either but anything is better than how it looks now. I need to DIY more though, I just shouldn't be spending lots of money on decorations when I don't even have a car. Hah... but I am buying a chandelier for my room.

I know how impulse style is though lol 

I agree. What is you believe is wrong with the way you look? What could you (realistically) do to change that?

Most of the things I'm stuck with, it makes me feel kinda ruined I don't like my skin in general. A lot of my pores are too big. I have scars, stretch marks everywhere and loose skin on my tummy. Also the way I store my fat gives me a permanent belly, no matter how much weight I lose, and I get muffin tops in most bottoms. I never got any hair removal so I have a bunch of white hairs on my chin and jawline and have to pluck my upper lip. My brows have all these gross stray hairs around them. And again my skin is just not smooth and pretty, not for my age. My front tooth also has a slight chip in it that makes my smile look silly. And my hair is too thick and slippery and layered so I can never get it into decent updos. I don't like wearing updos anyway because the hairline at the nape of my neck is gross and overgrown. Oh, and my shoulders and upper back have keratosis all over them.

Uh, otherwise I have male genitals, which makes me feel freakish, and I realized the reason I can't tuck is it is too small. I can't wear a lot of bottoms either because of that of course. V discouraging. I'm always terrified someone would see something there. My legs are too short and fat so nothing fits right anyway. Either it wants to slide down my legs or I wear it around my tummy and it gives me a bad muffin top that is visible in any top. I have wide hips but no hip fat and I have cellulite all around my thighs but a slight pancake butt. But my torso is on the longer side so most tops are not long enough because I do usually end up wearing my bottoms low cut to avoid the muffin top. The only tops that don't show some kind of belly/love handles are peplum and flared tops and I hate always wearing those, I look like I'm pregnant or obviously hiding being fat.

Not to mention my voice, my singing isn't very pretty and I can't just scream impulsively when I'm having fun or whatever. I still get moments where I think I sound super mannish. Even if it's perfectly fine with normal use it's just another constant reminder that I'm lesser, I am not like a cis girl.

So pretty much to be a baseline level of happy with myself I'd need a nose job, hair removal, scar treatments, a little tooth implant, a tummy tuck, I guess voice surgery? SRS, fat grafting.

God this is so stupid. Like I said I can't even afford a car. I've never had a job and it's a huge fight for me personally just to get out of bed and do stuff each day. I have a boring isolated life with little control over it, I'm never going to fix these things, and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to keep friends because I'm either too exhaustingly emotional or too boring. Plus I avoid people for all the above reasons.... I'm so uncomfortable with myself in general. When I'm out doing stuff I get hypervigilant and irritable and my mind goes blank. I can't even hold my mouth right because of my misaligned bite that gives me a headache. I can't be trans and settle for looking that way. I need to look exactly like I would as a cis girl to let go of it, or I'll feel invalid, and I can't look exactly like a cis girl. I'm too aware of the ways I am different even if nobody else is.

Sorry to unload but I'm just being honest. I think about all these things and nothing seems to be able to stop me from thinking about them. Because I don't even have a baseline level of comfort. I always just feel unprepared, unable to keep up and out of place in life. So I want to live as a boy again so I can just be less ugly by normal standards, but I can't even detransition really. Also, I'd die as a boy because nobody would care about my problems anymore  though I may be able to start working if I were a boy. Idk.

Edit: By the way, I'm very aware that this problem exists mostly in my head, but if the problem doesn't go away, how are you supposed to live with it? Gah.

[Ms Grace]

You say you have male genitals and you want SRS, but you want to live as a boy? I know the two concepts aren't incompatible (been there myself) but I'm just wondering where this was coming from, especially because of what I'm about to say...

Yeah, some of that stuff you're not going to change, or not going to change easily or not without a lot of effort or money. Body image is an integral part if who we are and how we relate to ourselves. If you're at war with that then you are at war with your physical self. I've seen some pics you posted a while ago, to me you looked very pretty - I'm sure you hear that from people all the time and yet you can't/won't believe them. What would I/they know anyway, right? No one else is in your skin except yourself. The only way you can ultimately feel good about your appearance is if you feel good about your appearance. And then, remarkably, without a dollar spent or a scalpel lifted you do actually begin to feel better about your physical self. I've got 101 things about my appearance I could easily say make me "ugly", including my male plumbing. But to be honest, none of those things bother me any more. Some of those things I can and will fix, in time (and with $$$), some of those things I cooooullld fix with a little effort (like more exercise) but some of those things I'm just going to have to live with (like being 6'3"). And I'm cool with that, probably because I've got other things to worry about anyway, and hating on myself would take up way to much time and effort. And besides, hating on myself just makes me feel bad about being me. No thanks!

I've said it to others before, you wouldn't abuse another person because of who they are or how they look (at least, I hope you wouldn't)...so why do it to yourself? You're a wonderful, sensitive person, you deserve to be treated with love and dignity by everyone...including by yourself. And that's where it starts.

[sad panda]

You say you have male genitals and you want SRS, but you want to live as a boy? I know the two concepts aren't incompatible (been there myself) but I'm just wondering where this was coming from, especially because of what I'm about to say...

Yeah, some of that stuff you're not going to change, or not going to change easily or not without a lot of effort or money. Body image is an integral part if who we are and how we relate to ourselves. If you're at war with that then you are at war with your physical self. I've seen some pics you posted a while ago, to me you looked very pretty - I'm sure you hear that from people all the time and yet you can't/won't believe them. What would I/they know anyway, right? No one else is in your skin except yourself. The only way you can ultimately feel good about your appearance is if you feel good about your appearance. And then, remarkably, without a dollar spent or a scalpel lifted you do actually begin to feel better about your physical self. I've got 101 things about my appearance I could easily say make me "ugly", including my male plumbing. But to be honest, none of those things bother me any more. Some of those things I can and will fix, in time (and with $$$), some of those things I cooooullld fix with a little effort (like more exercise) but some of those things I'm just going to have to live with (like being 6'3"). And I'm cool with that, probably because I've got other things to worry about anyway, and hating on myself would take up way to much time and effort. And besides, hating on myself just makes me feel bad about being me. No thanks!

I've said it to others before, you wouldn't abuse another person because of who they are or how they look (at least, I hope you wouldn't)...so why do it to yourself? You're a wonderful, sensitive person, you deserve to be treated with love and dignity by everyone...including by yourself. And that's where it starts.

Well, as for SRS, it's just if I'm living as a girl, I just want to be flat there so I can wear normal clothes without worrying, and just to be normal, of course I hate advertising being female to guys and then not having what they want too.

But anyway I do agree with you. I've been really trying my hardest to stay positive but life is getting so painful when I try to live it that I just don't know what to do with myself. I'll be optimistic and happy one day and then I go out and notice my legs look gross and then I can't stop thinking about it, thinking about how other people might be judging me (even if they are not) or whatever. Then a bunch of conventionally pretty cis girls walk by and I just feel out of place. Cuz it's so natural for them, they don't have to worry about most of the problems I do and I know it. It just makes me feel lesser. Plus I have school coming up which I'm constantly afraid of going back to, cuz then I'll be stuck with this group of people for a whole semester, and I feel like I need to keep people at arm's length when I don't have myself figured out.

So basically every attempt at getting better I'm just retraumatizing myself with this toxic self-hate. I think it's worse lately because my therapist is going away for the summer and if I I reach out to my boyfriend he just tells me I'm wrong (yah, I have heard it before, but you are right, other people aren't as aware of my faults as I am.)

It's not really even that I'm mean to myself over this or I beat myself up, it's just such a rejection of my self-image to be the way I am. I say I'm a girl but all these things make me feel not like a girl. Yes, I am too conventional and I don't give myself enough credit for just being me, but I've never been able to be that way, it's not who I am. I need to be normal and relatable to normal people... They just make me regret transitioning constantly because the bottom line is that I'm not happy anyway. I get so jealous of cis people not having to worry about any of this crap, and I want to be a part of the cis world but I hate carrying all these invisible burdens with me.

[sad panda]

Ugh, I think I just need someone to hang out with. Anyone bored and on the east coast? Probably not. Lol I promise I'm not as miserably depressing in person though :S

[Umiko]

depends on where in the east coast you are

[Just Shelly]

I could go on and on about all the things about I hate about myself....or even more so that don't appear cis like. My skin and legs are 2 of them. My calves are so scarred up, I have tried all the scar cream I can find but nothing works. When I get a bruise on my calve it remains there forever. I don't have any fat on my calves and this makes there appearance even worse. My skin use to look good tanned but as I age it now looks more weathered when tan. I don't try to tan, I just tan very easy....and then all these freckles come out!! UGH!!

I could also go on and on about other things in my life....dating, money, children, work........its pretty bad. I even was dumped by a man that was starting to fall in love with me as much as I was with him. He made me feel so good about myself, and he enjoyed very much doing many things with me. You could say he was not shy in having me meet his friends and such.....kind of in a "look who I met" type of attitude. All that changed when I told him my background. Even though he has remained somewhat a friend, its not much of a friendship....more like I am some "guy" friend of his.....whatever!!

Oh and I also have a chance to land a great job....but I am sure my past will "F" this up as well.

I just try to focus on some of the positives of my life, and some features that are attractive! That's all I can do......

[Bombadil]

this is just a quick reply so sorry if I'm off base or missing things. heh, I'm half-asleep now.

I am covered in scars. when I really let myself think about them, I hate them... or maybe hate is too strong now. I used to feel like such a freak with all my scars. I did decide I can't make them go away and I won't spend my life hiding. a few years ago I was so self-conscious when my scars showed, but people really don't care. I'm not sure if that helps at all, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

[sad panda]

I could go on and on about all the things about I hate about myself....or even more so that don't appear cis like. My skin and legs are 2 of them. My calves are so scarred up, I have tried all the scar cream I can find but nothing works. When I get a bruise on my calve it remains there forever. I don't have any fat on my calves and this makes there appearance even worse. My skin use to look good tanned but as I age it now looks more weathered when tan. I don't try to tan, I just tan very easy....and then all these freckles come out!! UGH!!

I could also go on and on about other things in my life....dating, money, children, work........its pretty bad. I even was dumped by a man that was starting to fall in love with me as much as I was with him. He made me feel so good about myself, and he enjoyed very much doing many things with me. You could say he was not shy in having me meet his friends and such.....kind of in a "look who I met" type of attitude. All that changed when I told him my background. Even though he has remained somewhat a friend, its not much of a friendship....more like I am some "guy" friend of his.....whatever!!

Oh and I also have a chance to land a great job....but I am sure my past will "F" this up as well.

I just try to focus on some of the positives of my life, and some features that are attractive! That's all I can do......

Yeah, I'm just really trying to find what I want out of life, and I just don't know. I want to focus on the positives too, but I don't really experience positive emotions that often. Siiiigh

That's what makes it all unbearable, it feels literally like there are no positives. I only think in terms of what I am supposed to do, not what I am driven to do. Since I don't appreciate anything anyway I just want to simplify I guess. I can't remember the last time I just really deeply wanted something that wasn't food or alcohol or changing the past. If I could find some things that really felt good I would want to fight it out more for those, definitely. The reason everything feels like it needs to be perfect is because I need an inordinate amount of good things to eek out just a little bit of good feelings

Oh, and then it's really inconsistent. Like just yesterday I was saying I don't need people and swearing off ever having friends or anything. Now I'm feeling really social and at least neutral if not a little pleasant. I'm thinking my hormones are partially to blame, guh, but I wanted to be done with all that.

this is just a quick reply so sorry if I'm off base or missing things. heh, I'm half-asleep now.

I am covered in scars. when I really let myself think about them, I hate them... or maybe hate is too strong now. I used to feel like such a freak with all my scars. I did decide I can't make them go away and I won't spend my life hiding. a few years ago I was so self-conscious when my scars showed, but people really don't care. I'm not sure if that helps at all, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Thanks! Well, of course it's a lot more than the scars, I guess they're just one more thing I find myself feeling freakish about. Those were what did it for me today. But sometimes it's how my hair is that day, or catching the wrong angle in my reflection, a bad/uncomfortable outfit, a bad picture... anything.

FWIW I should be used to it. I grew up with my mom having lots of visible scars too and I saw that people didn't make a big deal about it. But, yeah, I'll be happy when these ones fade more. Some are still reddish and they really stand out on my still pale legs (and make them look more pale), which I was already self conscious about. I never seem to get tan

Sorry you had to experience those feelings. It's horrible isn't it. but it's encouraging that it got better with time.

[Megan Joanne]

This is you? If so, then no way do I see any ugly here.

Yay! We just put in my new big mirror! It's hugeeee... I didn't become good at photography or anything though ;o;

k fine. believe me it was too dark to even see without the filter. lol. that bear is actually not my favorite at all but it was a gift so oh well.

I'm the same way, sometimes I look in the mirror and on my bad days that's all I see, ugly.

I epilate the hair off of my legs, what is left behind is smooth skin, but red bumps also from where the hairs were pulled out, this is really bad on my thighs, plus I got scars all over my legs too, but I could avoid the cause, or stop wearing shorts when playing with my dog. But I still show my legs off. I've had a hard time with my belly area too, not noticeable when I'm standing up straight but when I sit down or bend over, huge roll all the way around, something to hold on to, but I'm trying to do something about that, exercise, I'm slowly noticing that I'm getting a nice curve to my waistline now. I also can't afford professional hair removal, so every single morning before going anywhere, same ritual every day, pluck my facial hairs, upper lip and chin and an occasional stray, eyebrows the same, its called maintenance. Some days I can look really good, totally clear, other days I just can't seem to reach a hair because it hadn't grown out enough to grab with tweezers, so I worry that others will notice those unsightly black specks on my upper lip, no one ever seems to show any sign nor care about it, so I'm not as paranoid as I used to be, I just do my best, put some make-up on and get out the door. I too have cellulite on the back of my thighs, but I'm kind of sick in that I actually don't mind, makes me feel more girly. I got okay hips, but my butt cheeks are kind of blocky, eh, not like I'll be going out in a bathing suit anytime soon, besides I look fine in clothes, most of the time. My hair is heavy and slippery, so much of my life I just let it hang wild, only up style I used which is easy is putting it into a ponytail, but I have these hairclips that work very nicely and have started to learning how to use them to create several subtle styles, it just takes playing with it a little bit. I have a chip missing from one of my bottom front teeth, I do not want this one to rot away like what's happening to my molars, ick. And of coarse there's the male anatomy, forcing me to pick and choose clothing very carefully so as to be able to continue to hide it. And I have a very prominent adam's apple too which when it comes to confidence, this is the thing that breaks it for me because its not so easy to hide, and if you do, say with a scarf or something, then it just simply looks like you are trying to hide something, but somehow most don't even pay it any mind. So, there you go.

Oh, and I can't sing at all either, my voice in monotone, wavers and shakes with every sung syllable. I've tested myself screaming recently, it was traumatizing, and I don't want to hear it again. My normal talking voice though is fine, so I'll stick with that, some people just don't have the chords for singing and screaming.

You're just being hyper-critical of yourself, its that same kind of self-destructive behavior that I have myself at times, and I'm sure most others here as well. Try not to judge yourself too harshly even though you feel that you hate yourself, probably or completely stems from having the wrong anatomy, because most others aren't going to see what you do. Take me for example, I criticize myself all the time (working on stopping that) but here I am seeing you as a beautiful person as well as many others here, thinking to myself, why couldn't I look like her, or some other silly nonsense like that. My mom is constantly getting into my ass about that, telling me to stop looking at them and making them out to be better than me, and always saying with agitation, "You're fine!" She's right.

[sad panda]

Well thanks, I know I'm being too critical and it's mostly not that I am ugly, but I feel ugly... I mean I don't want to say I am ugly because that makes it sound like I'm saying anyone who looks like me is ugly too.

It's just that I feel ugly, and nothing I do ever makes it go away

No matter how many times I try to tell myself good things and be positive and say I shouldn't feel ugly, I still feel ugly and I just feel unhappy and uncomfortable with myself. It's complicated... I also feel like I look like something I can't actually be. I look like someone who has a very different life story than I do. I look like someone who can offer things to guys that I can't. I look like someone who has friends I don't have. So I always feel like a fake, an impostor, like no matter how I look outside, there might be this ugly, unlovable person right there if someone looks a little closer.

I guess when I say ugly I'm really saying... ugly inside. Like unwanted. Of course I'm afraid that people will see that. So I try to make my outside appearance perfect to compensate for it, I try to look like someone who is not ugly inside, and I'm met with the reality that I can't, I will still feel ugly no matter what I do.

So when people tell me I'm pretty it just makes me feel like even more of an impostor. When pretty girls think I'm just like them, it makes me feel like an impostor. This isn't me, I'm just hollow.... I'm empty inside...

So why did I even bother changing the outside to be something I can never be... Why did I present this image to the world of someone who people could love when I know I am unlovable. I'm terrified that people will find out. Any flaw could be the first clue...

Before I was just a tiny little boy with long hair... kinda weird. Maybe adorable. Nobody expected anything from me. Nobody identified with me. Nobody thought any wonderful things about my appearances. There wasn't that much of a gap.

But now people see what I look like and accept me in a world I am not really a part of. They think I grew up having experiences I didn't really have. It just highlights to me how empty I feel, how much I am lacking all the things people think I am not. All the things I wish I could have been but never will.

Ugh... sorry

I guess it's like this. What if you suddenly got put into the president's body? And everyone is like, mr. president, do this! Sign that! Decide this thing! Do a photo op! Tell us about your plans! And you're just thinking, "oh my god, I'm not the president, this is all a mistake, leave me alone."

I feel like I'm sending the image of someone I can't live up to. Someone that was supposed to be me, but was robbed of that and can never be anyway. I feel like I'm putting out some illusion that is easy to see through and people will be disgusted and let down once they do see through it.