I honestly feel like I'm going to explode

[GordonEli]

I just don't know how much longer I can deal with what goes on in my head. And I try to talk about it to friends or whatever and I just don't even know what to say or how to explain it to them. I'm only out to a couple of people, neither of which I get to see or talk to on a regular basis. And the one person I would normally talk to (my roommate) when I get in one of "those moods" isn't here tonight so I slept on the couch. I'm not really sure what one has to do with the other. It's late and I'm rambling. I've also not came out to her. I know she would more than likely be supportive I just can't find the words. I've spent all day today just trying to ignore myself which has just led me to sleep alllllllllllll day. But now I can't sleep. No one awake but me and my thoughts. I'm not really sure that I'm looking for an answer (to the question I never asked) I'm just looking for someone to talk to I guess.

[ForceMustang]

You're in the right place ! I'm listening, we are listening. As a start you can try to voice your thoughts right here. It personaly helps me a lot to talk about what i feel/think. It allows me to order my thoughts and make it clearer in my head. Feel free to mp me if you want to

[GordonEli]

I'm just totally conflicted. Which I guess everyone here is or has been at some point. It's just proving to be too hard for me to live in this body with my brain feeling completely different. I had a panic attack at work this week for the first time in months. I start freaking out and since I'm full of estrogen    my reaction to freaking out or getting angry or sad or anything other than happy is to cry. So there I am walking around the kitchen screaming and crying. Had to ask to go home because I couldn't pull myself together. It just felt like everybody was watching me (and they probably were) and thinking, "oh there's the crazy girl that can't quit crying", because I mean really (and this might sound a little sexist but I don't mean it like that at all) what man is going to lose his composure and cry for forty-five minutes (over nothing) and then ask to be sent home? Crying just emasculates me.  And that makes me angry. Which makes me cry even more. I just don't know if I can put up with it much longer. I'm starting to have "bad thoughts", as my mom would call em, again and that scares the daylights out of me. But living like this forever scares me to death too. I'm sure all of this probably sounds like a big jumbled mess of a rant but thanks for listening to me.

[ForceMustang]

I'm sure all of this probably sounds like a big jumbled mess of a rant but thanks for listening to me.

No, not a bit! (okay maybe a little bit, but that's OKAY)

Anyway, about the crying thing, i don't know a lot about that, since I learned to hide myself to cry at a young age, and I've never been a big tears-all-over-fountain thing since then (no offense I swear). BUT, believe me it happens to me too anyway. I kinda see it as a breakdown, wich happens to everyone, and as a way for my body to flush away the pressure/anxiety/... so not so bad. In your case, I understand it's more of a problem. But remember that crying is not a weak thing! And among my friends, some men are bigger criers than the women are. As I see it, you'll need to sort things out, talk about what's bothering you. To stop the crying, you need to find a bit of peace inside yourself i'm afraid. In the meantime, to avoid bursting into tears not at a right time/place, maybe you can try methods to calm down, like counting to 10 and breathe at each number (there is loooads of relaxation methods you could look up to maybe find one that suits you).

Not sure i'm helping, but i'm trying.

Why all the breakdown ? Is it dysphoria triggered by something specific ? Or does it happens randomly ? Do u see a therapist ?

[GordonEli]

It's a little bit of everything really. Sometimes at work they just treat me like one of the guys (I'm not out, they just think I'm a butch lesbian), but every once in a while one of em will call me sweetie or girl or honey or something and it just kinda sets me off. Or if they think I can't lift something and ask me if I need help. I know they're just trying to be nice and it really shouldn't bother me so much. For the longest time I couldn't figure out where exactly all of my anxiety was coming from. I just knew that it was very uncomfortable, almost unbearable, to live as me (or who I thought I was). Then one day a couple of months ago it all just kinda clicked. Which has kinda helped which is I guess why it's been so long since I've freaked out. But it obviously doesn't stop the dysphoria. I keep saying, "next check I'll have enough to get a proper binder and maybe that'll make me feel a little better" seeing as that's where most of it comes from. That and my tiny waist. Then I end up having to take the whole thing to try and catch the rent up. It's just one thing after another.

I don't see a therapist. I looked in to a gender therapist in my area I just don't have the money for it until all of my stuffs caught up. Plain and simple. I see an APN every couple of months at a state funded mental health facility to get my antidepressant and anxiety meds but I haven't found anything that's actually worked yet. I mean I'm better now than I was six months ago but I'm starting to feel like I'm sliding backwards again. They said that I was on a waiting list to see the therapist that they have there but that was eight months ago and still no word. I thought about talking to my APN about my gender issues and seeing if he can push to get me into the therapist but I'm afraid of how that conversation will go.

Thanks again for listening to me ramble. lol

[ForceMustang]

Ah yeah, I see what you mean. People trying to be nice but making it worse are a pain. All you can do is prove to them that you are very much able to lift heavy things by yourself thank you  On the other side, try to notice when you are seen more as a man, and rejoice   (yesterday, my village baker called me 'sir' even after i'd spoken to her. joy!)
Binders are helping me yes, and you can find some for 30$-40$ on underworks for instance. I'm not out yet (only 3-4 friends know about my gender issues), because i'm not sure what I want to do with all this, but wearing my binder (on the week ends, at my home,..) makes me feel a good deal better (except the part where I need to take it off). I hope you'll be able to buy one soon. Maybe check second hand ones on forums. Money troubles are really damn annoying, hope it's gonna get better for you!

I'm glad that you're feeling better than 6 months ago. You're on the right way, hang on Maybe get on to your health facility to know what's going on with the waiting list and to make sure they haven't forgotten you. Maybe it's a good idea to try to talk with your APN in the meantime, I know it's ->-bleeped-<-ing scary and I'm the one who is trying to talk about it to my friends for 2 years (so not so brave myself) but maybe he'll be super supportive and could help you so you've got to try 

A pleasure to ramble with you \o/