I feel ugly. I never feel ugly.

[Adam (birkin)]

Part of it was triggered by looking at my old girl pictures. Now, I'd rather be an ugly man than a beautiful woman, that goes without saying. But 3-4 years ago, I had the foundations to be a very attractive guy. I had a good build - broad for a female (broader now on T), tiny chest, attractive facial features. A decent sense for how to dress when I felt like it.

But then when I delayed my transition for that time, I stopped caring about my appearance and depression got it's hold on me. Put on about 70-80 lbs (can't remember now but at least 70), which made the chest grow two sizes and buried my attractive facial features, I started throwing on whatever clothes I could find, and I let my health go in general, which has caused my skin and eyes to really dull out. Though I am happier now, the appearance never seemed to bounce back and I still have an oddly sick look to me. 

I am working on losing weight to minimize excess skin during surgery, but in the meanwhile, goddamn it. I feel so ugly. This is really weird for me. I never care about appearance. But tonight, I just looked at the old pics of her and thought "if I didn't let that go, I'd be a hot guy by now. Instead I'm a fat, nerdy, slouchy guy who can't dress himself."

[JenSquid]

I feel for you.

In my depression, I let myself go. Put on a good 50 pounds or so. Now I can't look at myself without a sense of disgust at what I've done.

[Tysilio]

But then when I delayed my transition for that time, I stopped caring about my appearance and depression got it's hold on me. Put on about 70-80 lbs (can't remember now but at least 70), which made the chest grow two sizes and buried my attractive facial features, I started throwing on whatever clothes I could find, and I let my health go in general, which has caused my skin and eyes to really dull out.

I hear you on this, Birkin. Depression will do that to a person -- it sure did it to me. Since committing to transitioning (well before I started T) I've lost upward of 40 of those "life-sucks-and-I-don't-care" pounds. I have about that many to go to be where I want, but in the meantime, I (and others) see a huge change in my appearance. Once the weight starts to come off, it's pretty self-reinforcing. I don't "diet" or weigh myself (except at the doctor's office) -- I just work on eating a healthy diet (including cutting out almost all alcohol and as much fat as I can), watch portion sizes a bit, and exercise a lot: both aerobic and strength training.

And I've also found that once I started transitioning, I started caring about my appearance in ways I never had -- never used to give a darn about clothing, and now I want to look sharp... I don't like it when my hair grows out too much and get pissy if I get a bad haircut... I'm taking care of my skin (bit late for that, but it won't hurt at this point)... etc. It's actually sort of weird, but I'm going with it.

Don't be down on yourself. You're human, and this stuff happens. Being depressed for a while isn't on you -- it's on the often-crappy world we live in, that makes it so hard for us to be ourselves. You've come this far; remember how much courage that takes, and be proud of yourself.

[Edge]

What he said. I also found that exercising and eating healthy food makes me feel better about myself. Probably endorphins and feeling productive.

[Adam (birkin)]

I feel for you.

In my depression, I let myself go. Put on a good 50 pounds or so. Now I can't look at myself without a sense of disgust at what I've done.

Normally I feel OK about my weight - I mean, I know tons of nice, attractive overweight people. But they didn't do to themselves what I did to myself. They take care of themselves and are happy. I'm not because I stopped caring.

I hear you on this, Birkin. Depression will do that to a person -- it sure did it to me. Since committing to transitioning (well before I started T) I've lost upward of 40 of those "life-sucks-and-I-don't-care" pounds. I have about that many to go to be where I want, but in the meantime, I (and others) see a huge change in my appearance. Once the weight starts to come off, it's pretty self-reinforcing. I don't "diet" or weigh myself (except at the doctor's office) -- I just work on eating a healthy diet (including cutting out almost all alcohol and as much fat as I can), watch portion sizes a bit, and exercise a lot: both aerobic and strength training.

And I've also found that once I started transitioning, I started caring about my appearance in ways I never had -- never used to give a darn about clothing, and now I want to look sharp... I don't like it when my hair grows out too much and get pissy if I get a bad haircut... I'm taking care of my skin (bit late for that, but it won't hurt at this point)... etc. It's actually sort of weird, but I'm going with it.

Don't be down on yourself. You're human, and this stuff happens. Being depressed for a while isn't on you -- it's on the often-crappy world we live in, that makes it so hard for us to be ourselves. You've come this far; remember how much courage that takes, and be proud of yourself.

I haven't lost any pounds yet but I am pretty sure I'm getting more muscular because my stomach is getting smaller and my shoulders bigger. But I weigh the exact same lol. I want to see some weight loss because there's no way a guy my height could be 215 lbs even if he was ripped. I feel like seeing measurable results would motivate me a lot.

Transitioning didn't really help me for that, I think it's just the habits I've gotten into now. But it's a relief to finally be able to fit into's men's clothes, I can be more picky in that regard at least.

What he said. I also found that exercising and eating healthy food makes me feel better about myself. Probably endorphins and feeling productive.

I haven't done the exercise thing yet, at least outside the home, because I am afraid people will laugh at the fat kid running (that's all I really want to do other than bike riding) or that they'll see my boobs. :|

[MacG]

I'm 211lbs and I run. I was about 260 when I started running. It's ok

[Carrie Liz]

I feel the same way, especially looking at how much hair I lost between the ages of 20 and 27. I was very close to transition back then. I was starting to fall into depression about it during my first year of college, and was starting to crack up from it. I started growing my hair, started trying to go to therapy. This is usually the point that most people with dysphoria as bad as mine would finally be forced to confront it. But in the end, rather than confront the trans desires, I decided to go into denial and become a Christian and try to pray them away instead. And now the perfectly-rounded hairline that I had back then is gone, and deep recession with a half-bald patch has taken its place, and it's my #1 dysphoria trigger now, constantly making me feel unattractive and mannish. Plus I also let my health go to crap, eating my emotions, not bothering to care about my appearance, and I ended up doing serious damage to my skin by being too uncaring to wear sunscreen, as well as gaining weight all the way up to 286 lbs at my worst, which has left me with loose skin everywhere now that I've lost 70+ lbs.

Can't really offer a solution, because I'm still feeling like crap because of this, but hey, consider me one more person that the feelings of regret are shared with.

[Edge]

Aside from stuff I do indoors, I mostly walk a lot. I went for a two hour walk today carrying groceries.

[Adam (birkin)]

I'm 211lbs and I run. I was about 260 when I started running. It's ok

Thanks! That actually makes me feel a lot better. I've seen a few bigger people run but I'm worried I'm going to get teenagers yelling things at me lol. I guess in the end I have to accept it and keep my end goal in mind. Weight loss is super important for my surgery (he will only do a keyhole type thing on me, as he doesn't like how double incision looks, and if I lost weight I'd go back to an A cup/maybe small B).

I feel the same way, especially looking at how much hair I lost between the ages of 20 and 27. I was very close to transition back then. I was starting to fall into depression about it during my first year of college, and was starting to crack up from it. I started growing my hair, started trying to go to therapy. This is usually the point that most people with dysphoria as bad as mine would finally be forced to confront it. But in the end, rather than confront the trans desires, I decided to go into denial and become a Christian and try to pray them away instead. And now the perfectly-rounded hairline that I had back then is gone, and deep recession with a half-bald patch has taken its place, and it's my #1 dysphoria trigger now, constantly making me feel unattractive and mannish. Plus I also let my health go to crap, eating my emotions, not bothering to care about my appearance, and I ended up doing serious damage to my skin by being too uncaring to wear sunscreen, as well as gaining weight all the way up to 286 lbs at my worst, which has left me with loose skin everywhere now that I've lost 70+ lbs.

Can't really offer a solution, because I'm still feeling like crap because of this, but hey, consider me one more person that the feelings of regret are shared with.

I'm glad I am not alone but sorry that you feel this way. I've seen your weight loss thread and you are doing AMAZING, especially since you went through that blip with money and got put on hold. I know if I got put on hold I'd probably gain it all back but you got right back on the horse.

Aside from stuff I do indoors, I mostly walk a lot. I went for a two hour walk today carrying groceries.

I walk a lot too but I am such a sweaty person so I try to avoid it these days, at least if I have to be somewhere or interact with others. I wish I could say it was caused by T or my weight gain but it wasn't, it's been my curse ever since puberty lol.