Even more Yeson VFS

[Jennygirl]

I had the surgery for the same reasons as you ~ everything was going great except for my voice.

And you are right: once you even go quiet after having a masculine sounding voice, people start treating you differently. It's certainly the most lifechanging thing I've undergone in transition. I imagine it might even be more lifechanging overall than SRS will be for me because of the level of importance voice plays in everyday interaction ~ and that is where I spend most of my life.

Glad to hear that you are getting smiles out of it Sounds like you are already warming up to the new setup!

[Charlotte2]

Ok so I'm a complete idiot! I was playing around with my email address and managed to get locked out of my account on Susans 

I thought I'd post an update. The TL;DR is I'm very happy with the way things are going. In fact more than happy, I can't quite believe that finally after all these years I have a different voice. 

I've started speaking! It feels like my brain is trying to play my voice in a way that it no longer wants to be played. Maybe like a cellist trying to play a violin the way they play a cello. So metaphorically I've put the violin between my knees and I'm hunched over trying to play it. What I've been trying to do is let my voice tell me how it wants to be used. So just very gently feeling my way round it - IYSWIM.

It's probably not surpring that I'm confused by it because I had so much done to it. A major asymmetry correction, almost half of the cords sutured together, botoxed, and not allowed to talk for a month. So I don't really know what's what.
There was some diplophonia from the asymmetry before surgery. In other words because of the size difference of the cords they were vibrating at different frequencies. Causing me to have 'two voices', sort of like an overdub. Also getting any kind of sound out before used to be a big effort and I had to force the words out. I can't remember whether this was because of hyperfunction, tremor, or muscle imbalance or a combination. Consequently when the words finally came out they sort of exploded out. For those reasons I think I'd have had this surgery done anyway. The fact they threw in a voice feminization surgery for free was just a bonus. 
I measured the loudness of my voice again with a sound meter and the reading was 58dB. That is actually louder than my "reference person's" normal speaking voice. This doesn't surprise me since I've always had a booming voice. However, at just 1 month post-op it was a warning to me not to push it too hard.
The first couple of readings that I recorded did come out to be around 145Hz. I feel quite despondent for a while and then deliberately pulled my voice up and it came out at 180Hz and sounded great. So that's the catch. The fundamental frequency is still low. However, there does feel like there's a lot of swelling. The positives are that it does seem, for me anyway, to be a magic bullet for sounding fem when my voice goes above 165Hz. I think 16 years of living as a woman probably helps with the prosidy etc.

[AmyBerlin]

Hi Charlotte,

The first couple of readings that I recorded did come out to be around 145Hz. I feel quite despondent for a while and then deliberately pulled my voice up and it came out at 180Hz and sounded great.

Don't worry. I can also still hit my current lower limit of 130 Hz, with effort. The first words I spoke also were around 150. But as the swelling goes down, the voice will settle into a higher range, so don't worry and enjoy the ride, it's all gonna be great.

Hugs,

Amy

[Charlotte2]

Not really an update today. Everything is going great.

I've been thinking about something I said when I joined susans about why I was doing this now after transitioning 16 years ago. Anyway, I've thought about it a bit more and wanted to expand my reasons.

Public awareness of trans. You just can't move in the media for trans stories. Back in the 1990s many people didn't even know such things existed. Consequenly the cis-population are an order of magnitude better informed than when I started out. I think people now see trans even when it isn't there. In other words I'm sure there are a lot of false-postive clockings. IYSWIM. So people notice things about me that would have gone unheeded before.

Also I realised I've been "sweeping things under the carpet" for years. Things that were too difficult to deal or painful to think about just got ignored. Maybe it's hitting middle age and realising I'm running out of time, or more positively maybe it's that my self-estime has improved.
So finally I've had to deal with these things. So that's why I've had VFS, why I'm off to Belgium to get hair transplants, why I'm looking at my HRT regime. There are other things as well but I've gone quite OT already, and I don't want to be (even more of) a bore!
Just my $0.02.

[anjaq]

Charlotte - I hear what you are saying and I think it is about 100% why I am now (also after exactly 16 years ) thinking about basically the same things. More public awareness certainly was part of it - there was a stupid reality show in a big TV channel last year and incidentially in that year I got several misgenderings etc. Also things that nag at me forever. Back then there was no viable solution, no VFS existed that was not incredibly risky and bad, FFS was only Dr O... So I tried to make due with it and now am reconsidering. One has to go with the spirit of the time maybe - and since now FFS is done by a significant number of people , maybe its time. I also think maybe its my personal choice of "mid life crisis"

Interesting, you mention changing HT - it was a major change for me last winter to revise this.

[Charlotte2]

Charlotte - I hear what you are saying and I think it is about 100% why I am now (also after exactly 16 years ) thinking about basically the same things. More public awareness certainly was part of it - there was a stupid reality show in a big TV channel last year and incidentially in that year I got several misgenderings etc. Also things that nag at me forever. Back then there was no viable solution, no VFS existed that was not incredibly risky and bad, FFS was only Dr O... So I tried to make due with it and now am reconsidering. One has to go with the spirit of the time maybe - and since now FFS is done by a significant number of people , maybe its time. I also think maybe its my personal choice of "mid life crisis"

Interesting, you mention changing HT - it was a major change for me last winter to revise this.

I'm not sure if your avatar is a picture of you because if it is then you look rather pretty in it.  Do you think you need FFS? I would worry about getting a 'surgery face' which draws more attention to oneself than not having any. Obviously I'm playing devils advocate here a little.  I don't mean to be talking you out of having FFS! It's just so difficult to get objective advice from people isn't it? People either tell you everythings fine (people spent years telling me my voice was fine when it obviously wasn't) or they are trying to sell you a service. Particular at this stage in our lives when you're talking about fairly subtle clues.

What was the catalyst for your change in hormones? Do you think it's made a big difference?

Also another reason for doing all this stuff now is that my life hasn't really ended up quite where I hoped it'd be. Not badly wrong, but I'd just hoped for better.

[anjaq]

I'm not sure if your avatar is a picture of you because if it is then you look rather pretty in it.  Do you think you need FFS?

Well. Do I think I need voice surgery? Do you think you need voice surgery?
Its not so much about "need", I guess. I mean, the past 16 years went well enough for me, but some things just bug me . The occasional stare, the remarks one hears just from the distance, an occasional "he" .. it is bugging me a bit, although not devastating usually.
I dont know how much I "need" FFS. People who know me say I dont need either - VFS or FFS. FFS surgeons obviously think I need FFS. People who have dont FFS themselves and have thought about the topic suggest that I really do consider it as it saved them a lot of worries from there on. So I am not sure. I am considering it seriously though, although I would stress that I would not want to overdo it - just more subtle changes.

Oh and yes it is me in the picture but it is a bit distorted and filtered so I hope to not be easily recognizable by chance

Particular at this stage in our lives when you're talking about fairly subtle clues.

Definitely - this is all not catastrophic. If FFS and VFS was still unavailable like it was 16 years ago, I could probably just keep going as it is and not be depressed about it. Although I can imagine I would have to push more into the direction of not caring so much about being "stealth". Not sure "stealth" is healthy anyways, but I still try.

What was the catalyst for your change in hormones? Do you think it's made a big difference?

Tons of things. its a bit offtopic now, but I had increasing health issues with blood pressure, migraines, skin issues, digestion, hair loss, depression, tiredness, weight, sex drive and a defeminization, particularly in body shape and face. The changed HT corrected some or lessened some others of these symptoms, I got hair regrowth at the temples and my face looks better now among other things. As a Bonus I finally have gotten some more breast development in terms of fullness.

Also another reason for doing all this stuff now is that my life hasn't really ended up quite where I hoped it'd be. Not badly wrong, but I'd just hoped for better.

What do you mean by that - what is bugging you that can be blamed on "this stuff"?



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[Charlotte2]

Hi Anja,
I'd love to continue this conversation via PM, but I don't have enough post on this account to PM. I managed to get locked out my other account 'Charlotte' because I'm an idiot and had been playing around with my email settings. Is there any way a mod could re-activate the old account with my old email address? I'm very sorry for all the inconvience caused and I promise it wont happen again. Otherwise I'm sure I'll reach the required 15 posts quite soon.

Charlotte

[anjaq]

Sorry, I am just Chat Staff, I have noi forum mod powers and dont know if this would be possible at all to reactivate an account if the email adress was changed.

[Charlotte2]

Oh well, I'm up to 5 messages already! 

[Charlotte2]

Yesterday someone showed me a picture of some baby hippos and I went "OMG! Baby hippos!". Only I squealed it. I was in shock for like 5 seconds after: in a "What just happend there?" kind of way.  Then today I've been a bit hoarse. So it really is quite a ride at the moment.