I suspect this is how a lot of people who are transgender feel before transitioning. I know I do. Some days, it's no big deal to me, and other days I have to fight not to off myself from how miserable I feel about my current state. Even when dysphoria isn't ruling my life though, I always feel a whole lot better when I get to do feminine things. For example, I went away for a week to visit my mom and dad, who both already know I'm slowly transitioning, in Virginia.
Despite going from "oh my god I hate every last thing about myself" to "I know I'm a woman ... but today it's really no big deal that no one even acknowledges that":
The entire time, my mom used my name and proper pronouns, which just made me so happy ... now that I'm back home and that's not happening I'm feeling a lot of disappointment.
I got a pedicure and even got my eyebrows waxed (unfortunately not a feminine style, but they do look better) and my nails painted bright pink, and every time I see that I smile.
I got my hair trimmed of split ends and styled a bit by getting layers cut into it so that it frames my face and is in a more androgynous style. It's not perfect ... but I love that I have to put some work into it every morning so that it looks nice, which just leaves me feeling a little more girlish.
My mom walked me through putting on makeup and I STILL look at the pictures I took, because everything about how I look, including how hugely happy I am in those pictures still amazes me. While I don't do the whole makeup thing, I am using a few of the products she recomended on a daily basis. While no one can tell, that makes me feel better.
There's the usual leg shaving which, while sometimes frustrating, always always ALWAYS leaves me feeling more confident afterward even though no one can see it since I always wear pants.
I'm starting to wear woman's panties, which again, while no one can see this, does make me feel better about myself even though I can't explain why.
Since starting Laser hair removal, and because my hair is longer after a year of growing it out, I got "ma'am"ed and "Miss"ed and "Lady"ed often especially while out over the last week ... despite being 30 pounds overweight, not wearing any visible woman's clothing, and generally not trying to pass just yet, which made my day even more than when my mom used my name consistently (dad isn't doing this yet, but he's supportive, which is enough for me).
The more I do, the more I feel better about myself in every way. So, even though I don't always feel horrifically dysphoric about my current situation, there's still no doubt in my mind that I'm transgender because I just feel so much infinitely more happy and better about myself the more progress I make. At the end of the day, how I feel is what's most important to me. Doing nothing leaves me feeling Blah to meh, while doing things toward transition always leaves me feeling content, calm, and happier over all.
I used to have a lot of doubts about if I was even transgender because of the high and low dysphoria that's been a constant in my life from when I was very young (I've been aware that I 'wanted to be a woman" since I was about age 5). Yesterday alone I went from being "not bothered at all" to "I'm not sure it's even worth living" and back several times. But when I look at the pictures of me in girl mode from last week and I see that I looked a lot like a 30 something woman wearing her husband's clothing and I had a smile that was the type that reached my eyes and was real which I'd never seen before ... there's just no doubt for me anymore, even when it doesn't bother me so much.
Because even when it's not bothering me all that much ... I know I'm not happy.
