Ok, so here's the thing. I know I'm trans but somedays I struggle to feel it. Which sucks.

Like... I'll be able to say to myself 'yes, I'm trans and I understand this' but then I'm just flat emotionally. This really throws me off every single time and, honestly, it causes me to doubt myself. I have a long history of self doubt in like every area of my life, so perhaps it's just linked into that.

I was just curious if anyone else has experienced this.

I'm in the same boat as you PoeticHeart, I guess the tagline at the bottom of the website header 'We stand at the crossroads of gender balanced on the sharp edge of a knife' is more accurate than I first imagined...

For me I've been getting waves of dysphoria for the last 3/4 years. Each time it gets stronger. Each time it lasts longer. Each time I have less doubt.
I suppose if it carries on I won't know what else to do but transition, I won't have a choice!

Yeah I've gotten that too. There are days when the dysphoria isn't so bad and I wonder if I would be happy after all living as a woman. It's very confusing and makes me feel unhappy and uncomfortable. It's more of a numb feeling than anything.

Quote from: PoeticHeart on June 18, 2014, 01:33:24 PM
Ok, so here's the thing. I know I'm trans but somedays I struggle to feel it. Which sucks.

Like... I'll be able to say to myself 'yes, I'm trans and I understand this' but then I'm just flat emotionally. This really throws me off every single time and, honestly, it causes me to doubt myself. I have a long history of self doubt in like every area of my life, so perhaps it's just linked into that.

I was just curious if anyone else has experienced this.

PoeticHeart

I was certainly like this until I was diagnosed as TG and started low dose HRT.  Working with a good endo, a good gender therapist and assorted counsellors have enabled me to take small, but significant steps.   I am transitioning but towards androgynous or GQ as I have realised that I am TG but non binary rather than MTF

Further - it was only after the HRT removed the intense dysphoria that I was able to think clearly and confidently find my path.

Aisla

Quote from: Edge on June 18, 2014, 02:45:13 PM
It's more of a numb feeling than anything.

That's exactly it. It's just... nothingness.

Quote from: Aisla on June 18, 2014, 02:59:24 PM
PoeticHeart

I was certainly like this until I was diagnosed as TG and started low dose HRT.  Working with a good endo, a good gender therapist and assorted counsellors have enabled me to take small, but significant steps.   I am transitioning but towards androgynous or GQ as I have realised that I am TG but non binary rather than MTF

Further - it was only after the HRT removed the intense dysphoria that I was able to think clearly and confidently find my path.

Aisla

I'm on my way to HRT, just not fully there yet. I'm hoping that as I get further along in transitioning, that maybe I'll have more good days than bad.

Take your time, own your destiny and I am sure that you will find the life and peace that you deserve.

Aisla

I was like this before, I then lived with a male born female and living female.

On the days that we didnt leave the house I felt completely female and "she" was male but on the days where we went out into society, all that seemed to change.

For me I know that societal pressures and other peoples perceptions, the way people relate to me and treat or speak to me effect my confidence and self image.

I cant feel feminine at times when all the women keep their heart to hearts and secret gossips from me and all the men are going all "wooooaheeerr..." full macho to me.

Maybe its something similar to you?

I know I could philosophically talk myself out of anything factually or emotionally but the evidence is that for 15 years the dysphoria has been around.

Even cisgendered women seem to have to make effort to feel like a woman with pampering and maintaining etc...

For example, a model getting pampered before the catwalk while perfectly angling the tiara on her long volume filled hair probably FEELS more female than a woman that goes around drinking and fighting on the floor and ending up with her skirt around her chest, hair and makeup looking all scruffed up... First thing shes gonna be doing when its all over is fixing her hair and make up to look feminine again

Are there any activities or specific times that you feel more feminine?

Quote from: autumnwind44 on June 19, 2014, 06:07:54 AM
For me I know that societal pressures and other peoples perceptions, the way people relate to me and treat or speak to me effect my confidence and self image.

This is something I've been working through. For the longest time, I've just lied to myself and told myself I am not bound by what others think. However, I was just shoving things to the side like I do with everything else. I'm not shoving things aside anymore and opening up this well hurts because all the repressed pain is surging forward. I don't want to sound like a downer, but I'm fighting every day to recover and live my life forward.

Quote from: autumnwind44 on June 19, 2014, 06:07:54 AM
I know I could philosophically talk myself out of anything factually or emotionally but the evidence is that for 15 years the dysphoria has been around.

Agian, this is totally on point. On days when it feels like my emotions have turned themselves off, I can convince myself of just about anything. Then they turn back on again and now I'm trapped between two things: what I've said and what I feel. I'm working on following my feelings more than my logic.

First off, thank you. For so long I've been trying to put into words what this is and your title summed it up well.

I totally get the numb feeling that happens in between the dysphoria. The first few times I was convinced that, well, something weird just happened and now I can move on, but this never seems to be the case.

Not sure if this is similar to you but it seems to be like an admission of defeat for me. It happens when I lose the little hope I manage to muster on occasion, in relation to passing, ever being accepted as female and really just a feeling of deep embarrassment whenever I try to talk about how it feels. I've tried the "gender doesn't matter, you can express however you want" route but it isn't even coming close to cutting it.

I haven't even managed to discuss this face-to-face with anyone right now, but I get the absence of feeling from spending so long deliberating that I manage to think of every possible bad thing that could happen no matter which path I take. So rather than go through the constant upset and feeling sad from it, I just flatline and all emotion is kept down, even the times in life that should be happy seem less so as a result.

It's a strange thing, but it's never been permanent for me. Very confusing though. Does any of this sound relateable at all?

Erem,

I think as you spend time around Susans you'll find that to be the case with a lot of threads. So often I'll go to make a thread about something, only to discover that someone else had already created it a couple of hours ago. Which brings me to my next point.

This does sound totally relateable. I think you said it best when you were talking about being so caught up in dysphoria and anxiety that eventually my mind just shuts everything off, just to get a break from it all. This sucks because suddenly I'm sitting around and can't feel anything, which isn't what I want. Way to go subconsciousness and defense mechanisms.

omg sounds like me. I struggle everyday.

I know one of my biggest issues my whole life has been a general sense of self doubt, and a very, very low opinion of myself. I have been really struggling the past week or two because my LTR has become something I don't recognize, my SO stopped supporting anything I do or try. Let's not even talk about my need to transition. I mean the basics.

I look in the mirror everyday, and I don't recognize myself. There are days I am like "yes, we got dis!" but those feelings seem to fade into the typical American laziness and corporate rat race.

All I want is happiness, for not just me but everyone here. We will find that happiness somehow.

Its like the saying "last place you look".

You keep searching, exploring and looking for what puzzle pieces are missing in your life. And it will always be the last place you look, and, in most instances, in a very surprising place. The same is always true for my keys.

Promise me you'll hang in there, and I think you will be great.

Might also help me to hang in there too.

I suspect this is how a lot of people who are transgender feel before transitioning. I know I do. Some days, it's no big deal to me, and other days I have to fight not to off myself from how miserable I feel about my current state. Even when dysphoria isn't ruling my life though, I always feel a whole lot better when I get to do feminine things. For example, I went away for a week to visit my mom and dad, who both already know I'm slowly transitioning, in Virginia.

Despite going from "oh my god I hate every last thing about myself" to "I know I'm a woman ... but today it's really no big deal that no one even acknowledges that":

The entire time, my mom used my name and proper pronouns, which just made me so happy ... now that I'm back home and that's not happening I'm feeling a lot of disappointment.

I got a pedicure and even got my eyebrows waxed (unfortunately not a feminine style, but they do look better) and my nails painted bright pink, and every time I see that I smile.

I got my hair trimmed of split ends and styled a bit by getting layers cut into it so that it frames my face and is in a more androgynous style. It's not perfect ... but I love that I have to put some work into it every morning so that it looks nice, which just leaves me feeling a little more girlish.

My mom walked me through putting on makeup and I STILL look at the pictures I took, because everything about how I look, including how hugely happy I am in those pictures still amazes me. While I don't do the whole makeup thing, I am using a few of the products she recomended on a daily basis. While no one can tell, that makes me feel better.

There's the usual leg shaving which, while sometimes frustrating, always always ALWAYS leaves me feeling more confident afterward even though no one can see it since I always wear pants.

I'm starting to wear woman's panties, which again, while no one can see this, does make me feel better about myself even though I can't explain why.

Since starting Laser hair removal, and because my hair is longer after a year of growing it out, I got "ma'am"ed and "Miss"ed and "Lady"ed often especially while out over the last week ... despite being 30 pounds overweight, not wearing any visible woman's clothing, and generally not trying to pass just yet, which made my day even more than when my mom used my name consistently (dad isn't doing this yet, but he's supportive, which is enough for me).

The more I do, the more I feel better about myself in every way. So, even though I don't always feel horrifically dysphoric about my current situation, there's still no doubt in my mind that I'm transgender because I just feel so much infinitely more happy and better about myself the more progress I make. At the end of the day, how I feel is what's most important to me. Doing nothing leaves me feeling Blah to meh, while doing things toward transition always leaves me feeling content, calm, and happier over all.


I used to have a lot of doubts about if I was even transgender because of the high and low dysphoria that's been a constant in my life from when I was very young (I've been aware that I 'wanted to be a woman" since I was about age 5). Yesterday alone I went from being "not bothered at all" to "I'm not sure it's even worth living" and back several times. But when I look at the pictures of me in girl mode from last week and I see that I looked a lot like a 30 something woman wearing her husband's clothing and I had a smile that was the type that reached my eyes and was real which I'd never seen before ... there's just no doubt for me anymore, even when it doesn't bother me so much.

Because even when it's not bothering me all that much ... I know I'm not happy.

Quote from: Amy The Bookworm on June 22, 2014, 06:45:46 AM
Since starting Laser hair removal, and because my hair is longer after a year of growing it out, I got "ma'am"ed and "Miss"ed and "Lady"ed often especially while out over the last week ... despite being 30 pounds overweight, not wearing any visible woman's clothing, and generally not trying to pass just yet, which made my day even more than when my mom used my name consistently (dad isn't doing this yet, but he's supportive, which is enough for me).

This is how I was back in January. The first time I got ma'am'd since starting HRT, I had had a laser session or two already, hair was maybe shoulder length, and I carried a small purse but otherwise I wore guy clothes and sounded like a guy. But I still got ma'am'd to my face and my mom was with me and noticed it too. Wasn't just my imagination! After I got my eyebrows waxed it happened more often, and by February it was consistent. I figured, 'might as well go full-time' and haven't been sir'd since. I guess passing can just happen like that, even when you aren't totally trying. I'd say embrace it if you think you might be ready. Honestly, if you're getting ma'am'd without trying, you're probably reaching male-fail and then it's just going to become harder presenting as a guy in public.

It's not a constant thing.

But the first time it happened, me and Mom played it cool while window shopping for purses ... then when we were outside the shop, we started doing crazy happy dance in the middle of the mall symotaniously

I'm nowhere near ready to go full time yet. Not even on HRT and am waiting to start that until I have a deviated nasal septum corrected and healed up. But that didn't stop me from being thrilled by it!

This thread describes me perfectly too.  Especially today, a day when I know I'm trans, but I'm feeling absolutely normal and male - no dysphoria, no depression, feeling neither positive or negative about the body I was born with.  I really question whether I'm doing the right thing by pursuing transition, and I start to doubt whether the dysphoria is actually real or just a phase or something I can ignore if I tried harder.

Instead, I should just be grateful that for a few days every so often, I get a break from worrying about all this stuff and I can take a breather and get on with life.  I learned long ago that the dysphoria will return, no matter how much I think that this time it's different and I'm "cured".