The "awkward" or "in between" stage.

[LittleEmily24]

I think its become official... i'm undoubtedly going through the awkward stage in my transition...

and its f***ing killing me.. Sorry if I get a bit vulgar btw...

It feels like a reverse orgasm... my entire body and mind are going through this strange feeling of lost self and disrupted image... like im a walking silhouette of static.

is it ALWAYS like this? I mean... i knew there was an awkward phase but I wasn't made aware of how ->-bleeped-<-TY it feels. I feel so disassociated and so disconnected...  i feel like im falling and unaware of where or when im going to land.

Is this normal?... how long does this last? how can I make this end sooner? i feel like my train-tracks have started to split and got jammed in the process... now my train is waiting for the split to be fixed...

I have no social life, I don't feel very much female despite having a clear picture of who I am in my head... but i feel like my body has become a robotic shell and my true inner self is unable to fix the malfunction that has shut the system down... for the last couple of weeks i've been on zombie autopilot mode.. just going through the motions... feeling painfully genderless...

A friend told me that this was normal.. but how the f*** do i snap out of it? Its killing me... I'm so afraid im going to lose myself, or that i already have, or that I might never really find myself... how did you get past your awkward phase?

[stephaniec]

just day by day and reasons why you do things

[LittleEmily24]

just day by day and reasons why you do things

Everything feels like a struggle... like a chore... everything i do feels like it takes hours to do.. the days go by so slowly.. its almost like im forgetting my reasons.

[stephaniec]

Everything feels like a struggle... like a chore... everything i do feels like it takes hours to do.. the days go by so slowly.. its almost like im forgetting my reasons.

maybe because I've lived with this so long and came to a moment of complete collapse last year that I know only going forward is my only solution . There have been days that are frustrating because my mind seems to go backwards , but luckily I have enough reasons pushing me forward. I just hit a long bad period in my life that  I refuse to go back to if at all possible.

[Dee]

I think its become official... i'm undoubtedly going through the awkward stage in my transition...

and its f***ing killing me.. Sorry if I get a bit vulgar btw...

It feels like a reverse orgasm... my entire body and mind are going through this strange feeling of lost self and disrupted image... like im a walking silhouette of static.

is it ALWAYS like this? I mean... i knew there was an awkward phase but I wasn't made aware of how ->-bleeped-<-TY it feels. I feel so disassociated and so disconnected...  i feel like im falling and unaware of where or when im going to land.

Is this normal?... how long does this last? how can I make this end sooner? i feel like my train-tracks have started to split and got jammed in the process... now my train is waiting for the split to be fixed...

I have no social life, I don't feel very much female despite having a clear picture of who I am in my head... but i feel like my body has become a robotic shell and my true inner self is unable to fix the malfunction that has shut the system down... for the last couple of weeks i've been on zombie autopilot mode.. just going through the motions... feeling painfully genderless...

A friend told me that this was normal.. but how the f*** do i snap out of it? Its killing me... I'm so afraid im going to lose myself, or that i already have, or that I might never really find myself... how did you get past your awkward phase?

Is it normal?  I can't speak for everyone else, but yes, I certainly felt that way for a bit.  And I can't really measure how long it lasts for, it's a YMMV deal.  But I know that the phase passed without realizing it.  It takes time to reconstruct/expand/venture your personality as you transition, and I think the trick is to continue putting yourself out there.  A fair amount of it is peer socialization.  When you have less of it, it becomes more difficult to relate to those around you.  But the more interactions you give yourself, the more experiences you have to sort of erode that awkwardness.

It's not easy.  I remember it being terrifying a year ago, when we'd have parties at my old apartment.  Peak physical awkward phase, meet peak socially awkward phase!  But pushing through that, and (trying to) not give a f- about how others saw me feels like it put that phase to rest.  When you can talk and joke around with other people, the focus (yours AND their's) usually turns towards what you have to say, and not how you present.  It's a nice tension cutter.

Sorry if this was super tangential!  Not sure how much your original post was referring to the awkward social phase.  But I hope you can find your mechanism!  You're getting pretty cute. I bet you'll be out of that phase in no time.

[Simulacrum]

I always think about this one thing, that pertains to those that may feel grouped in this stage- it is a stage, I feel, and a stage has its end (or at least the feeling tapers down a lot from overwhelming), and you will be able to see yourself, how your body is manifesting your mind and soul, and that you will be able to be ripe with emotions of all colors- as well, you will -appreciate- it, as for someone who may not have been through an eye opening transition, may not be able to do so.

It is tough, but I feel as though you can see yourself as a muse of sorts- not that we should only value ourselves as inspiring, but that it'll be possible to -absolutely- love every limb, every shade, of you. It'll just take maybe a bit more time for that to hit, but when it does hit, it'll be an instant spark and you'll know. (:

[FalseHybridPrincess]

I pretty much feel like you do

Im in  the awkward stage for about 3-4 months now
I ll let you  know when its over
try not to think about  it to much

[LittleEmily24]

i think, what makes it worse is that im a very social, very extroverted person... i get energy and feel alive when im socializing with others... and not having anyone to really hang out with or talk to just makes this so much more hard... and my wife is having her own new experiences and new acquaintances because of this new job that she got as an event coordinator for a specific music production group... but when she's not around... i have nothing to do, no one to call.. i have no one to lean on or someone to just be around so i can feel a human connection..

its like im in some sort of mental vegetative state that continues to deteriorate and my days and weeks just meld together like a recurring day.. i have nothing to take my mind off of this... I work out so often that it has become part of my daily routine... its not a distraction anymore... i have no interest in reading or video games because it just makes me feel more alone. Crying has become my main exercise... i haven't gone more than a day in the last 2 weeks without crying at least once or twice a day.

[stephaniec]

i think, what makes it worse is that im a very social, very extroverted person... i get energy and feel alive when im socializing with others... and not having anyone to really hang out with or talk to just makes this so much more hard... and my wife is having her own new experiences and new acquaintances because of this new job that she got as an event coordinator for a specific music production group... but when she's not around... i have nothing to do, no one to call.. i have no one to lean on or someone to just be around so i can feel a human connection..

its like im in some sort of mental vegetative state that continues to deteriorate and my days and weeks just meld together like a recurring day.. i have nothing to take my mind off of this... I work out so often that it has become part of my daily routine... its not a distraction anymore... i have no interest in reading or video games because it just makes me feel more alone. Crying has become my main exercise... i haven't gone more than a day in the last 2 weeks without crying at least once or twice a day.

sorry your in such a state. I spend my days on a computer in a busy Starbucks. It's not the most ideal thing ,but I'm with people

[HoneyStrums]

i think, what makes it worse is that im a very social, very extroverted person... i get energy and feel alive when im socializing with others... and not having anyone to really hang out with or talk to just makes this so much more hard... and my wife is having her own new experiences and new acquaintances because of this new job that she got as an event coordinator for a specific music production group... but when she's not around... i have nothing to do, no one to call.. i have no one to lean on or someone to just be around so i can feel a human connection..

its like im in some sort of mental vegetative state that continues to deteriorate and my days and weeks just meld together like a recurring day.. i have nothing to take my mind off of this... I work out so often that it has become part of my daily routine... its not a distraction anymore... i have no interest in reading or video games because it just makes me feel more alone. Crying has become my main exercise... i haven't gone more than a day in the last 2 weeks without crying at least once or twice a day.

Hey up what do you feel your in-between, before and after?
your social situation sounds a lot like mine. I don't leave the house alone hardly.
My mind wonders when I'm not doing things.

When I complained, t my friend about how recluse I had become she laughed it off. I was a bit confused, She said I Really am a butterfly.

Well Its pretty much like this, I'm wrapped up in a mental cocoon waiting for a metamorphosis, until Victoria can spread her wings. A butterfly with no wings is still a caterpillar. But Its a lot like having to work on re emerging, Each forced outing, and struggled activity and/or interaction is putting energy into the changes I'm growing accustomed to each little thing. Wriggle by wriggle the butterfly Is coming

[Joan]

I know how you feel, and I feel your anxiety.

I'm at five months (about the same?) and my body is feminising...it's just so slow! Despite the changes I find I pass less now that I did two months ago, and this makes me anxious about the future and how I will turn out.

I don't know about you, I wonder if I had lower expectations before and then it was ok, whereas now I think people should be seeing me as the female I feel inside because if the hormonal changes.

I went through a very hard stage, now I just put myself out there and take it as it comes as much as I can. It's still hard but I will get there in the end.

[LittleEmily24]

I dont know how to put myself out there... like, i mean... i dont have anyone to do anything with... I have my wife but honestly... with the way people... scratch that ~ with the way MEN look at me... i'm only putting both of us in danger... I'm literally 100% terrified of men, and i feel the more that i transition, the more men look at me like a zombie that needs to be shot in the head... even though i dont let my fear keep me from going out or doing things... i'm still not stupid enough to put myself in obviously risky situations...

I'm afraid to go out with JUST my wife... i mean, i use to think that Miami was a great place to be trans... but it turns out that its just a great place to be LGB... T is still very taboo here... and if I were FTM it would be a totally different story, they stick together down here like a band of brothers... but transwomen in Miami seem to go into hiding until they are able to go stealth, and then never look back...

I've been going to support groups but there are only 2 support groups (which in reality is only 1 support group, since the other support group is about an hour and a half drive away from me) and the one support group I have available is for the most part.... empty... or full of transmen... I mean im willing to be friends with anyone, but it would be a bit reassuring to find other transwomen and not feel like im the only silly transgirl... its a shock to me that there are so few trans groups here in miami.... the rest of the places (LGBT centers, or institutes) are all just "resource centers"... places where you can find LGBT friendly doctors, jobs, educational seminars for non-queer folk, etc... no support group meetings or gatherings of any kind... and not to mention that Miami in general is a VERY anti-social city... and this was not something i've always believed... it wasn't until after highschool that I started realizing this... even people who have visited Miami have agreed that people down here just do NOT socialize outside of their circles... even at gay clubs... everyone is so stuck to their own thing and most of the time they put on these faces that say "f*** off, im not interested in talking to anyone"... people just are NOT approachable... or at least, rarely they are... all the new friends i've made down here in the past year or so (pre-transition, since i haven't met anyone post transition) that were actually social were not even FROM Miami, they were from New York or California or Texas... and of course, eventually went back home or moved to a different area... and even THEY agreed that they were surprised i even spoke to them because of how anti-social Miami people are... its really not like people make it seem down here... Miami is so not the paradise that the internet or tv would have you believe.... 50% of it is a retirement home for old fashioned hispanics, and the other 50% is a permanent high school of yolo swag kids who never escape that mentality and arent mature enough to grasp the concept of Transgender anything.... which would explain why no matter where I go, i'm always just a guy in a dress to people...

Miami rant aside; I just feel like I need a friend... whether its a cis or trans female friend... because even though I know I have my wife... I can't be putting all my emotional stress on her, i cant be expecting her to be there to pick up the pieces or to go out with me, she works REALLY hard and she always picks up the pieces at home when i break down and cry and feel ugly... and I don't want to go back to how we were before, when my depression would push us into divorce, so i sometimes fake a smile and pretend like im ok... I know that if I just had ONE person to hang out with, someone who I can feel like ME, someone that both me and my wife can go out with and i don't have to feel like i have to keep my guard up... it would make me feel exponentially better.... but I have no one to hang out with and I have had a significantly hard time trying to meet others...

I know it sounds hard to believe but... Miami is a really hard place to make friends... even if you're cis... triply so if you're trans; and it can be overwhelming at times.. Miami is a great place to come on vacation... but living here is a f***ing nightmare... i should know, i've lived here my entire life... I love everything about Miami except for how quickly ignorance breeds down here... i totally understand putting myself out there and just kinda being me... but sometimes.. every once in a while, we all need some kind of support... a friend, or someone who understands... whether they are cis or trans, someone who doesn't see gender as a straight line and will respect us as who we are.... and so far, i don't have anyone like that other than my wife... and even though she is cis and just as social as I am... even SHE can't find friends to make... it seems like the places to make new friends are places like Orlando, Tampa, Gainsville, Jacksonville, Fort Lauderdale... but not Miami.

[stephaniec]

sorry for your situation can't really offer advice because I have no one except my therapist. I've been this way for a long time so it kind of doesn't bother me too much, just once in a while I wish I had some friends or some to have a meaningful conversation with other then therapy.

[AnnaCannibal]

Ill be your friend even though I am nowhere near Miami.  So, tell me how your day went!  Plans for the weekend?

[Adam (birkin)]

I didn't know that Miami was that bad. How discouraging.

I can tell you that you are not alone. What you described really covers how I felt for a very long time, and occasionally still feel when I feel insecure in my appearance and presentation. I kept telling myself that with time my presentation would move towards less androgynous, and it has - I'm seen as male the majority of the time (there's occasionally someone who thinks I am a woman for some reason...).

Another thing I did that helped (and things got worse when I didn't do this) was keep busy. Just get stuff to do that kept my focus there rather than on my gender. Dysphoria still hit me a lot (still does) but it took the edge off and gave me a break from my problems when I really got into my activities.

[Carrie Liz]

My best advice is to live your life, enjoy the occasional moments of validation that you do get, and try not to think about it too much.

The between-genders phase is hard. But over time, you'll start passing more and more without even trying, and slowly you'll build up your confidence. It just takes patience, patience, patience.

Trust me, I went through this phase myself. And it lasted a LONG time. (Between about November and late February.) And I too felt like crap, cried multiple times a day because I just wanted to be over with, and frankly started doubting that I was ever going to get there at all. (And this was when I was between ELEVEN and FOURTEEN months of HRT. You're still only 4 month in. It's WAY too early to start getting too worked up about it. Patience, young one!)

Again... just relax, and have confidence that it's coming eventually, and that all your efforts will be rewarded in the end. Until then, be patient, keep working toward your end goal, celebrate all of the small victories along the way, and try to keep living your life in the meantime without making 100% of it about transition. It's the obsession that will eat away at you.

[LittleEmily24]

Hey everyone, sorry for disappearing, i was kinda swept away from my computer and had a bit of a busy night. I feel a little bit better after spending a couple of hours with my young cousin ( she is staying over my parent's house and I really couldn't handle being alone yesterday), and i'm lucky enough that at lease she treats me and talks to me like another girl despite having known me and loved me as her "favorite male cousin", it makes me happy to know that now she loves me as her "favorite female cousin", and we had a good amount of simple girl talk that really brought me back down to earth for a little bit... i still have a bunch of worries in my head and I'm still feeling vulnerable, but i'm just glad i was able to spend time with her and feel like myself.

Alternatively, i also went to my usual karaoke place... I don't get the same vibe i use to get in that place, i guess its because all the people who knew me there are now gone (managers/ bartenders/ waitresses) so now its kinda become the same as the rest of my city =/ but whatever, i was with a big group of people and one of my friend's nephews (who is a politician and is also very pro LGBTQ equality, and i mean literally LGBQ AND T lol he has a lot of trans friends both male and female) was there, so his company also helped me feel better ~ and i met his girlfriend who we totally hit it off right off the bat, so I feel better today. I'm going to be going to Key West this weekend for my friend's nephew's birthday, and Key West is well known for being quite the free zone of Florida, LGBTQ community galore down there, so I know it will probably help me feel better... honestly, if it were up to me, I would live down there, but its expensive and the kind of place you move when you have enough money to just say "f*** it, im just gonna be here the rest of my life" lol.

but I digress; thanks for the responses as always ~ even though i'm still fragile right now, last night helped me feel ways better... it just felt good to feel like myself after not feeling like myself for so long.

I didn't know that Miami was that bad. How discouraging.

Don't get me wrong, the beaches are great, the city is great, things are actually cheaper than you think down here, lots of farmers markets/artesenal weekly markets, miami beach is super fun and MANGOES EVERYWHERE (i love mangoes) and of course, the art district Wynwood which is quickly becoming a popular Miami location, it has great bars with great food and amazing music and live band performances..... its all phenomenal... for vacation ~ living here.... lets just say you get really tired of the attitude really fast... very superficial, materialistic, fake, ignorant, selfish people in large droves down here... every now and then you find that one person who is an actual human being.

[Aquarelle]

I think its become official... i'm undoubtedly going through the awkward stage in my transition...

and its f***ing killing me.. Sorry if I get a bit vulgar btw...

It feels like a reverse orgasm... my entire body and mind are going through this strange feeling of lost self and disrupted image... like im a walking silhouette of static.

is it ALWAYS like this? I mean... i knew there was an awkward phase but I wasn't made aware of how ->-bleeped-<-TY it feels. I feel so disassociated and so disconnected...  i feel like im falling and unaware of where or when im going to land.

Is this normal?... how long does this last? how can I make this end sooner? i feel like my train-tracks have started to split and got jammed in the process... now my train is waiting for the split to be fixed...

I have no social life, I don't feel very much female despite having a clear picture of who I am in my head... but i feel like my body has become a robotic shell and my true inner self is unable to fix the malfunction that has shut the system down... for the last couple of weeks i've been on zombie autopilot mode.. just going through the motions... feeling painfully genderless...

A friend told me that this was normal.. but how the f*** do i snap out of it? Its killing me... I'm so afraid im going to lose myself, or that i already have, or that I might never really find myself... how did you get past your awkward phase?

I was feeling (and still feel somehow) the same way and thought this stage will never end... there was noone to tell me how it feels, how long it is and so on... Well, I am at the end of that phase, because I now have my proofs, that I pass, so my "genderless" period was several months - maybe 4-5 as long as I remember - this was the time I was totally isolated, alone, depressed... but now I slowly start to blossom and it feels great

[Hikari]

I can relate, I have been looking to expand my social circle.... But, I really can't pass as a woman yet (I don't think I can at least friends seem to think I can but I can't trust thier opinion) and I really don't look all that male either. Lots of people give me double takes and I doubt hat is a good thing.

I feel more confident going out at night, the darkness hide imperfections and I have friends who will go places with me at night (everyone I know either works during the day or doesn't wake up till 1pm). I don't think DC is as antisocial as Miami though so hopefully I will have more luck soon.

[Ravensong]

I hear you about the Miami Area.  I'm in Broward and it's the same thing up here.  The only thing we have up here is the Pride Center all the way in Wilton Manors, nowhere near where I am.  The People down here suck!  I see why you stay in so much.  Unfortunately, I have to work with them, the worst of them at my job.  The attitudes are crazy. 

Just hang in there.  I'm here for you if you need somebody...