As my coming out at work day draws closer.....

[Eva Marie]

My brain is working overtime trying to convince me that this girl thing is one huge mistake, and that I will regret coming out and moving forward, and that my old boy life wasn't really that bad. Each new day seems worse than the day before.

I'm know better and i'm not listening to what my brain is telling me, but the constant barrage of these thoughts is really wearing me down emotionally.

Is this normal, and has anyone else experienced it? Sometime around the 1st of July is the date when things begin to start happening.

[Jessica Merriman]

I would say it is very normal for something this big. You will do just fine sweetie! 

[Jill F]

I have done some major head checks of late.  I mean, I'm getting the orchi and changing my name and gender legally next month.  No going back after that one.  Part of me still thinks it's pretty insane that I even went there in the first place, that I've gone this far already and I could stop any time.  Then I think about how crazy miserable testosterone made me and how much better I feel now.  The whole "girl thing" that had been hanging over my head for 40 years turned out to be a life saver for me.

I always arrive back at the conclusion that PermaJill is the only way to go.  No more dude.  Ever.  And that's a relief.  Jiggling a bit when I walk is nice too.

Fear of the unknown is what's bugging you.  It's natural, and it's part of your self-preservation mechanism.  I was scared sh*tless before I came out.  I sort of assumed a worst case scenario, accepted that possibility and just pulled the trigger.  The people who end up rejecting you aren't really your friends anyway, and I thought it was cool to find out for sure what everyone I knew was REALLY made of.   Some people turned out to royally suck, and I was glad to be rid of them.

You told me how much better it is now and how miserable you were before, Eva.  The "girl thing" is really a blessing, not a mistake.  Please get it over with as soon as you can so the anxiety can stop eating you up inside.

Hugs,
Jill

[JessicaH]

I feel for you Eva. I'm not out at work and a lot of my family. I have a good job and I don't know how that will work out if/when I "come out" but living a lie takes a real toll on you. Maybe I will just keep on with the HRT and pretend nothing is going on. Maybe no one will notice! lol  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,157328.msg1453406.html#msg1453406

[TerriT]

Do you have things lined up? Your companies policy on such things? Do you have a timeline and plan for transition to ft to lay out? What about time off for surgeries or anything? I'm only asking because I think if you have a strategy for working things out and how your job skills and responsibilities are not in question. I think you will do fine though.

[Julia-Madrid]

My brain is working overtime trying to convince me that this girl thing is one huge mistake, and that I will regret coming out and moving forward, and that my old boy life wasn't really that bad. Each new day seems worse than the day before.

Eva, you're incredibly brave and candid to be discussing this.  We not-so-spring-chicken-girls have a lot more to think about, I believe.

My way is to listen to the little voice in my gut - the one that tells me what I really am thinking.  Maybe it could also help if you write a very direct list of pro's and cons - when the decision is complex this often helps me.  And for each con, look at the remedial actions you might need to take. 

And don't pressure yourself with deadlines that you can perfectly change if you need to!

A huge hug!
Julia

[Eva Marie]

I would say it is very normal for something this big. You will do just fine sweetie! 

Thanks Jessica 

I have done some major head checks of late.  I mean, I'm getting the orchi and changing my name and gender legally next month.  No going back after that one.  Part of me still thinks it's pretty insane that I even went there in the first place, that I've gone this far already and I could stop any time.  Then I think about how crazy miserable testosterone made me and how much better I feel now.  The whole "girl thing" that had been hanging over my head for 40 years turned out to be a life saver for me.

I always arrive back at the conclusion that PermaJill is the only way to go.  No more dude.  Ever.  And that's a relief.  Jiggling a bit when I walk is nice too.

Fear of the unknown is what's bugging you.  It's natural, and it's part of your self-preservation mechanism.  I was scared sh*tless before I came out.  I sort of assumed a worst case scenario, accepted that possibility and just pulled the trigger.  The people who end up rejecting you aren't really your friends anyway, and I thought it was cool to find out for sure what everyone I knew was REALLY made of.   Some people turned out to royally suck, and I was glad to be rid of them.

You told me how much better it is now and how miserable you were before, Eva.  The "girl thing" is really a blessing, not a mistake.  Please get it over with as soon as you can so the anxiety can stop eating you up inside.

Jill - I appreciate that you are a dear friend and I am glad that I know you - always the voice of reason, always brave  Fear of the unknown is exactly what I am experiencing right now.

I feel for you Eva. I'm not out at work and a lot of my family. I have a good job and I don't know how that will work out if/when I "come out" but living a lie takes a real toll on you. Maybe I will just keep on with the HRT and pretend nothing is going on. Maybe no one will notice! lol  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,157328.msg1453406.html#msg1453406

Jessica - I regret that we didn't meet when we lived so close together back in that other state - you are a globe trotter and I like reading about the places you go for work - you are so brave! It seems to me that when you come out it will be nothing compared to working in some of the places that you've been. I admire your strength girl!

Do you have things lined up? Your companies policy on such things? Do you have a timeline and plan for transition to ft to lay out? What about time off for surgeries or anything? I'm only asking because I think if you have a strategy for working things out and how your job skills and responsibilities are not in question. I think you will do fine though.

Tiffany - I wish that I was that organized!  The state I live in has great laws protecting trans people. The company I work for is very small so there really is no formal policy about trans people. I get to be the first one to come out there, so woohoo! One good thing (I think) is that the company's ownership and management is filled with women. 

My transition "strategy" is not particularly well defined but basically it is the same as the way you eat an elephant - one bite at a time.  And I appreciate your thoughtfulness about this.

According to something that Jamie D once told me I think that we live near each other.

Eva, you're incredibly brave and candid to be discussing this.  We not-so-spring-chicken-girls have a lot more to think about, I believe.

My way is to listen to the little voice in my gut - the one that tells me what I really am thinking.  Maybe it could also help if you write a very direct list of pro's and cons - when the decision is complex this often helps me.  And for each con, look at the remedial actions you might need to take. 

And don't pressure yourself with deadlines that you can perfectly change if you need to!

A huge hug!
Julia

Julia-

My gut and my heart tell me to move forward because I cannot go back to the way things were before - I was inching closer and closer to a casket and it was only a matter of time. Its the stuff that's in my head that is wearing me out right now with silly fears and doubts. My thoughts are suddenly irrational - for example, I am thinking now that I don't pass even though the evidence I have clearly indicates otherwise - I've never yet had anyone point and laugh at me or say anything. And I am having lots of those "what in the hell are you doing?" moments lately.

I just have too much time to think right now, and I just need to get on with it and get it behind me.

To all of you - you are the reason I come here - your support is what I really need right now and I really appreciate it 

[TerriT]

Tiffany - I wish that I was that organized!  The state I live in has great laws protecting trans people. The company I work for is very small so there really is no formal policy about trans people. I get to be the first one to come out there, so woohoo! One good thing (I think) is that the company's ownership and management is filled with women. 

My transition "strategy" is not particularly well defined but basically it is the same as the way you eat an elephant - one bite at a time.  And I appreciate your thoughtfulness about this.

According to something that Jamie D once told me I think that we live near each other.

I miss Jamie. I still get to talk to her though. I'm in the bay area.

Keep us updated on how things go and good luck. I'm sure it will be fine.

[JayDawg]

I'm coming out at work on July 2 & 3, and have massive butterflies going on. I'm pre-everything, but I've been looking and dressing more male for the last few months. T probably won't happen until August, and top surgery maybe in December. I'm so nervous about how my boss and co-workers will take the news, but I also can't see myself going back to playing female.

Must. Go. Forward.

Also, I'm dying to ditch the rest of my girl stuff and wear my guy clothes ALL the time.

[Julia-Madrid]

My coming out day is July 22nd and I can't wait.  Most close colleagues already know, and I have started to delberately leak the news.  It will be a stressful day, filled with relief.

Eva Marie, you are surrounded by a whole bunch of sisters and brothers who know the score and think you're doing great!

J xxx

[Bombadil]

I'm like Julia-Madrid. My coming out day is mid-July but I've told a lot of my close colleagues. And since they know I assume it will spread. I'm not having many doubts now, but I certainly did before starting T. And I assume I will have more doubts again.

Mostly, when I do, if I really dig down I realize all the doubts are about how other people will react. When I think about what I want it's much clearer.

[Virginia]

Eating an elephant takes planning:
-Acquiring the elephant
-Slaughtering the beast
-Figuring out what to do with the remains and cleaning up the mess
-Packing and storing the meat
-Finding creative ways to prepare it so you don't get tired of eating it
-Sharing your bounty with others

But first of all, being absolutely certain you really want to eat an elephant

Eva didn't saw she was "scared ->-bleeped-<-less," nervous" or "can't wait."
She said she had "doubt."  That "Each new day seems worse than the day before."

I understand you can't go back to the way things were before- I can't either. But 5 years of therapy have shown me I have many options. Getting something of this magnitude over with it to get it behind us is only going to serve to take yours away.

Julia-Madrid summed it up very well:
don't pressure yourself with deadlines that you can perfectly change if you need to