Does it ever get better?

[Preston]

Hey all, it's been a long time since I've been here. I've been trying to suppress these feelings and thoughts but they just keep coming back. A friend that struggled with this committed suicide and I think this had a major factor. I've heard this gets worse with age. I'm 28 right now and I'm in a place where I can transition but I'm just so confused and wondering if it will ever just go away.

[Jessica Merriman]

In my personal case it got exponentially worse every year until I hit the live or die moment. I personally don't think it ever goes away because it is a part of us like it or not. Since beginning transition I now enjoy life without the stress of fighting it every day. 

[Jill F]

Sorry Preston, it just doesn't go away.  Ever.  There may be ebbs and flows, but it's always there.  If it could just go away, nobody here would likely ever have to transition.  Your brain is just wired the way it is wired and that's the way it is.  I avoided transition until it was basically life or death for me.  If my dysphoria was like it was 10 years ago, I could have avoided transitioning today, but it snowballed to the point where I had to be either drunk or crying all day long and I was honestly days or weeks away from finally killing myself.

All I know is that HRT made life livable in the end and transitioning was the answer for me.   I'm happy now, BTW, and I can't believe I was suffering so badly for so long.

Suffering needlessly is unnecessary.  I have come to believe that you don't know how much longer you have to live, so you might as well pack as much happiness as you can into the time you have remaining.

Hugs,
Jill

[Cindy]

Hi Preston,

I was wondering where you had disappeared to.

But as the others said - no, it doesn't go away.

Hugs

[TerriT]

It won't go away. I told myself every year I was finally over it, but as my time in this life compressed, the more impending it became.

[Umiko]

no, it will never go away. you can try to suppress it with all your might, but eventually you lose the strength to fight against it.

[FTMDiaries]

Suppression doesn't work: it just makes it build up even more. It's always there in the background, gnawing away at you... until you get to a crisis point where you simply can't keep torturing yourself any longer and something has to give. When you reach that point, transition is very often the only sensible option.

I tried suppressing it for decades, and it only got worse for me with each passing year, until I got to the point where I realised I couldn't continue living the way I was. The only thing that has made it go away for me - and for many others here - is transition. I'm much calmer, more relaxed, more confident and happier in my own skin now that I've been on T for a while. My anxiety and depression have evaporated, and I feel much better now that people are automatically calling me 'sir'.

So yes, it does get better... if you transition. Yes, it can go away... if you transition. If that's what you need to do. So my advice to you would be to take the plunge and seek out a gender therapist, and start working through what you need to do.

Nice to see you back, by the way.

[echo_artist]

It doesn't go away, but don't let that control your life. If you confront that fact now,(it make some time to accept it)
It'll help you move forward. I wish we could customize our memories, but if we did that, we would lose a big fact of
what makes us unique as humans.
Just take baby steps, they would hurt. They'll always be someone around to help.

[jussmoi4nao]

It doesn't go away, ever. If it's been there for long enough it'll be there forever.

Transition is not a cure, and it won't fix your problems. But for somebody with dysphoria it's definitely an option to consider, as it does help a lot of people move closer to that end goal of..if nothing else not wanting to put a bullet in your brain when you wake up. But for others it doesn't work so well, and it turns out to be a nail in the coffin. That's not extremely common but it does happen often enough.

But here's the thing you need to remember...there's risk on everything in life. So many things we don't even think about. Getting in the car is a giant statistical risk but each and everyone of us do it everyday. Why? Because we have somewhere we need to be and the car is the best way of taking us where we wanna go. For a person with dysphoria..transitions a lot like that.

Whats scariest early on is that it's an unfamiliar risk, and that's what scares a lot of people off...a lot of people who end up shooting themselves in the ass because they end up doing it 20 or however many years later. That's such a common story.

All you can really do honestly is look inside yourself and be brutally honest and figure out exactly what you want...do you want your headstone to read "Jane Doe, wife, mother, daughter" can you handle being a woman to the eyes of every one you meet for the rest if your life?

Both ways have obstacles. Its kind of a pick your poison deal where you figure out which personal hell is most livable for you..but that's life in general, I'm starting to realize. Don't listen to the propaganda, don't listen to the narratives, don't even listen to your own brain...listen to your heart...they have the worst sense of direction but somehow manage to be the best at guiding us 'home'

Good luck, babe!

[Silver Centurion]

Hey Preston!

As others have said suppressing doesn't work and it only makes things worse. I can only speak from my own experiences but I was never happy trying to be someone I wasn't and I finally got tired of it and decided to put it all out there like "Hey this is who I am." Being able to just say I feel this way or I enjoy these things lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. Sure there is going to be some confusing and struggle at times but taking the plunge can definitely lead to being cool with yourself.

[Miharu Barbie]

Hey all, it's been a long time since I've been here. I've been trying to suppress these feelings and thoughts but they just keep coming back. A friend that struggled with this committed suicide and I think this had a major factor. I've heard this gets worse with age. I'm 28 right now and I'm in a place where I can transition but I'm just so confused and wondering if it will ever just go away.

Hey handsome.  If you are in a position to, this might be a very good time to seek out a qualified gender therapist.  Some focused counseling with a competent professional may help you to sort through the confusion you're experiencing.  It goes without saying that, when you feel less confused, the path you must follow in order to experience more happiness and contentment within your own skin becomes ever so much clearer.

You are so much stronger and more capable than you can imagine.  And there is a world of adventure and joyous expansion out there just waiting for you to join the fun.

It sounds to me as though you are at a wonderfully exciting crossroads in your life.  You are in a position to transition (if it comes to that), and you don't know which way to go.  A Zen Master would call this state "don't know mind".  This place of "don't know mind" is the spot from which all creation springs forth.  The goal of many Zen Buddhist students is to focus, concentrate and practice until they reach this state of "don't know mind".  The Master's goal is to stay in "don't know mind" all the time.

What if the Universe has just handed you a precious gift?  You've achieved "don't know mind" without realizing what was happening.  From this place that you now find yourself... anything is possible.  Create wisely.

Hugs!

[Christine Eryn]

No amount of overcompensation I did ever helped. As much as I wanted the need to transition to simply disappear with age, it never went away. It's like trying to run from your own shadow.

[Jill F]

No amount of overcompensation I did ever helped. As much as I wanted the need to transition to simply disappear with age, it never went away. It's like trying to run from your own shadow.

I literally tried to do that once.  Then the 'shrooms wore off!

I thought I had actually succeeded in ditching it a couple of times, but there it was again, giving me the finger. 

Futility is a b*tch.

[Preston]

thank you all so much for your replies!! i feel so much better now. i knew in the back of my mind that this wasn't going to get better or just disappear one day. if that were the case it would be gone by now. i have a new psychiatrist who should have all of my files (including gender issues) so now I think I might get the ball rolling. It's just so weird, I feel...I don't know, used to this body. A transwoman told me once "why try to be a man when you have such a perfect body for a girl?". And that really messed with my head. It put me off of transitioning for a while, to be honest.

[Adam (birkin)]

thank you all so much for your replies!! i feel so much better now. i knew in the back of my mind that this wasn't going to get better or just disappear one day. if that were the case it would be gone by now. i have a new psychiatrist who should have all of my files (including gender issues) so now I think I might get the ball rolling. It's just so weird, I feel...I don't know, used to this body. A transwoman told me once "why try to be a man when you have such a perfect body for a girl?". And that really messed with my head. It put me off of transitioning for a while, to be honest.

=/ Augh, I've had this said to me too by several trans women and I just didn't get it. You'd think as trans people they'd have more compassion and understanding for how I felt. How would they feel if I said something similar?

Anyway, what others have said is true. I did reach a point where I ultimately accepted that I was never going to stop feeling like a guy and that's what prompted me to take action rather than try to deny it. I also realized that I had a huge potential to dig a hole that would be harder and harder to get out of - see how many stories there are of people who deny it, get married (whether it's a same sex marriage or not), and then struggle with the entanglements of the breaking up with someone who could only want them as their birth sex. nvm if there are kids in the equation! That was enough of a horror story for me to throw myself into this so that I could hopefully avoid those issues.

[Jill F]

thank you all so much for your replies!! i feel so much better now. i knew in the back of my mind that this wasn't going to get better or just disappear one day. if that were the case it would be gone by now. i have a new psychiatrist who should have all of my files (including gender issues) so now I think I might get the ball rolling. It's just so weird, I feel...I don't know, used to this body. A transwoman told me once "why try to be a man when you have such a perfect body for a girl?". And that really messed with my head. It put me off of transitioning for a while, to be honest.

Seriously?  That's messed up.  You'd think a transwoman would "get it".  I had a perfect body for the NFL that was the envy of a lot of athletic guys, but umm, NFW on that!  I wasn't about to take steroids and try to play football for real.

Best wishes on your transition,
Jill

[Tessa James]

Like so many others here i thought repression, suppression, denial, overcompensation and staying busy with 'important issues" would suffice.  I felt gender needed to be defined much more broadly and i used my fantasy and imaginative senses to live in a dreamscape when needed.  I lived and acted somewhat androgynously with long hair, nails and a bisexual orientation.  I met other trans people who were in to the binary thing and told me I was too male and would be an ugly woman.  I still meet people that offer unsolicited advice.  It's not their life its yours and mine to determine and my shadow has stayed with me for 6 plus decades.  I was not what I once looked like and my looks are never going to tell the whole story.  I wanted to see more than just my eyes when looking in a mirror and now I have much more of that and feel considerably better than ever before.  I think Abbyxo is correct in that transition does not cure all of our problems.  We may end up dissatisfied with other aspects of our lives but I for one love the acceptance I now feel and sense a tremendous relief from the work of trying to be something I really did not feel inside.  Be true to your most authentic self and each step will help you find validation or a reason to pause and reflect again.

You are the one to decide about what feels better for you.  There's no better judge, just opinions.

[Jess42]

thank you all so much for your replies!! i feel so much better now. i knew in the back of my mind that this wasn't going to get better or just disappear one day. if that were the case it would be gone by now. i have a new psychiatrist who should have all of my files (including gender issues) so now I think I might get the ball rolling. It's just so weird, I feel...I don't know, used to this body. A transwoman told me once "why try to be a man when you have such a perfect body for a girl?". And that really messed with my head. It put me off of transitioning for a while, to be honest.

Wow. No wonder. I can't believe someone else that is having the same problem could be so callous to someone else's gender dysphoria.

But no it never goes away. It comes in ebbs and flows and sometimes its a whisper and sometimes its a scream but it is a constant.

[helen2010]

The only time dysphoria goes away is when I am on hrt.  Low dose works for me.  A binary transition is unnecessary for me so I will not head in that direction.   Non binary has proven to be my sweet spot but every one is different.   

I have periodically checked to see if the 'darkness in the shadows' is still there and every time I dial back or stop the hrt the dysphoria returns with surprising intensity.   Over the last 40 years the dysphoria has strengthened to a point where it could not be denied.   

Low dose hrt was a life saver

Aisla

[luna nyan]

No it doesn't.

Like Aisla, I've dealt with this on and off for the best part of 3 decades.
Accepting it as part of yourself is key.
After that  it's a matter of finding what you need to do to be able to live with yourself.

For me, it ended up being electro and low dose HRT - I can put up with this aspect of myself with just this.