How To Reply When Outed in the Bathroom

[CarKitty]

I feel (rightly or wrongly) like this is a more dangerous thing as a transitioning woman, specifically. Certainly it seems that transitioning men are not considered sex offenders for using what the public believes is the "wrong" restroom, if the existence of trans men is even acknowledged.

I quite literally feel unsafe at the prospect of using a public washroom, regardless of if I mostly pass or not.

The biggest problem is that I just don't know how to respond. Typically when confronted with any ignorant and bigoted attack, I find statistical evidence, solid proof to dispute it, as even bigots cannot fight against fact. But there is no statistical data on how many trans people actually are sex offenders, there's no published data on the female to trans female ratio, or any other similar data, and so the bigots have a heyday as they are right until proven wrong, no facts needed.

I find the fact that I don't know how to respond is my biggest factor of fear. I have no argument, no backup plan, no discourse, no fail safe, and quite frankly I have not yet heard a single argument that could convincingly stand up to rampaging accusations in the heat of the moment.

[Adam (birkin)]

Honestly, if I were MTF and some woman yelled at me for being in the bathroom, I'd just ignore her, finish washing my hands or whatever, and leave. If she continues, ask her to leave you alone.

I don't know what I'd do as a FTM if some guy confronted me in the bathroom. Probably start with ignoring him but if he became more hostile I'd leave.

[androgynouspainter26]

Kitty,

Your whole post brought up a well of memories from last year for me!  It's one of the toughest parts of transitioning, for sure.  I hope I can offer some good advice.

You don't need statistics, data, or a well-formulated argument to win in this situation.  I'm not normally the type to confront anyone without a careful deconstruction of the other person's viewpoint-but here is different.  You're just using the bathroom-you haven't been challenged to a debate, you haven't asked for there to be a conversation about your gender.  You, like everyone else, are in there to do your business and then get out. 

If someone comes up to you and says "what are you doing here, you aren't a woman", just correct them.  You ARE one.  If someone asks if you're there to molest their children, tell them the truth: that you aren't.  All of the statistics, science, and logic in the world won't help you here-nobody wants to argue in a bathroom, and bigots have a lovely habit of finding ways to circumvent the most solid of arguments to maintain their ignorance.  Just tell them the fact of the matter, and leave it at that-any more than that is simply lending validity to their own insular mindset.  All they have is their conviction.  Use yours, it's all you need.

I Hope this helps!

[Ms Grace]

Being 6'3" I figured I'd get called out the second I walked into a women's rest room. Hasn't happened once. If you pass you shouldn't have too much to be concerned about. Just get in there, do what you need to do, wash up and leave. If you don't act in a way or dress in a way that's likely to get you noticed chances are no one will notice. Not that I've heard all of the stories about cis men who have gone into women's rest rooms for undesirable reason, but have they ever once dressed as a woman to do it? I've heard of cases of cis men being caught in the women's rest rooms and in all of those cases they were not dressed as women.

[Cindy]

My first trip to the loo when I went FT was at work, every woman in my area knew me, not a single person had any issues. I did what you do in the loo and smiled and chatted as every other woman was doing.

It's more like the female social club than the female toilet.

Outside of work I have never had as much as a glance, I think the anxiety you talk of is more from scaremongering in the press rather than reality, at least that has been my experience.

[Jill F]

It hasn't happened to me in the 15+ months that I've done this, but if it did, I would definitely come up with something brutally scathing to say on the spot, like "I'm sorry, the bathroom for idiots is across the hall."  Plus I'd likely be long gone before anyone could be called in to try and do anything about it. 

So glad I'm getting my new ID in late July/early August!

The only time I thought it might be happening to me was last year in Las Vegas.  After the Motley Crue show, I ended up in a long bathroom line when someone who was pretty drunk yelled something to the effect of, "Oh my God, there's a f***ing MAN in here! Hey, get the f*** out of here." It turns out I wasn't even the person in question.  She was just really butch.

[Ashey]

It's a bit scary sometimes but thankfully I pass just fine in there. Haven't had any problems. One thing that makes me paranoid though is putting 'it' away, making sure my panties are positioned so they cover it in the unlikely event that someone manages to catch a glance through that small space between the door and the stall. xD It's crazy, I know, but I still do it.

[JoanneB]

Having been to several hearings at the Maryland State Senate for a transgender rights bill, AKA "The Bathroom Bill" I can assure you that no way, no how, can you ever win over or convince a "Bathroom nut", as the loyal opposition has come to be known by. All the statistics, scientific and medical data mean nothing. Even the Sheriff in a nearby county to state capitol can testify that in the 10 years I think that county had a TG rights law passed there were absolutely no incidents, much less charges, filed involving a TG in a bathroom or locker room.

Simply put, when dealing with an irrational person you are in a no win situation by definition. There mind is made up and the world must be as they want it. Just finish going about your business and leave. Responding to them tends to escalate the situation. Not, may also but is also the far better choice since you cannot rewind and start over.

[stephaniec]

I just go in head for a stall wait for the coast is clear and out the door. Although a few weeks ago I was standing in line waiting for the ladies room when a security guard  said we could use the mens room no one was using it , but no one budged

[allisonsteph]

I feel (rightly or wrongly) like this is a more dangerous thing as a transitioning woman, specifically. Certainly it seems that transitioning men are not considered sex offenders for using what the public believes is the "wrong" restroom, if the existence of trans men is even acknowledged.

I quite literally feel unsafe at the prospect of using a public washroom, regardless of if I mostly pass or not.

I think this goes back to the reoccurring conversation about passing. Passing isn't about physical appearance, it is about confidence and attitude. People notice anxiety and fear more than what someone looks like. Using a public restroom is a very similar concept. If you are anxious and are having feelings of doubt and guilt about being there, other people will pick up on it and notice you. If you have the confidence and the true belief that you belong there just like everyone else 99.9% of the time no one will even notice. Admittedly it took me a few outings to gain that confidence.

That being said the only time I have ever had anyone say anything to me just so happened to be the day after I got my new Driver's License in the mail. I had a woman say "You're in the wrong bathroom" I calmly pulled my ID out of my purse and pointed to the "F" gender marker and said "No, I'm not", washed my hands and left.

[stephaniec]

I think this goes back to the reoccurring conversation about passing. Passing isn't about physical appearance, it is about confidence and attitude. People notice anxiety and fear more than what someone looks like. Using a public restroom is a very similar concept. If you are anxious and are having feelings of doubt and guilt about being there, other people will pick up on it and notice you. If you have the confidence and the true belief that you belong there just like everyone else 99.9% of the time no one will even notice. Admittedly it took me a few outings to gain that confidence.

That being said the only time I have ever had anyone say anything to me just so happened to be the day after I got my new Driver's License in the mail. I had a woman say "You're in the wrong bathroom" I calmly pulled my ID out of my purse and pointed to the "F" gender marker and said "No, I'm not", washed my hands and left.

that's cool

[mac1]

I just go in head for a stall wait for the coast is clear and out the door. Although a few weeks ago I was standing in line waiting for the ladies room when a security guard  said we could use the mens room no one was using it , but no one budged

You could use the men's room even if men were in there without incident. I have been in the men's room when, on various occasions, cis-women presenting as women have entered and used the toilet without receiving any more than a casual comment regarding their presence there.

There is definately a different standard for (women in the men's restroom and locker room) and (men in the women's restroom and locker room).  Women have demanded equality in all areas of life but have refused to allow the same equality for men.  Women have challenged all male only sports, exercise facilities, etc. but still demand their female only sports and other facilities.  Will that ever change?

[Ryan55]

I don't think females will make a big deal of it, if your dressed and look like a chick, I'm starting to get looks now using the womens restroom at work (need to start using the mens), but no one ever says anything to me, they give me this weird confused your in the wrong bathroom look and just do their business and don't talk to me, they kind of just ignore me lol

[Evelyn K]

I don't think females will make a big deal of it, if your dressed and look like a chick, I'm starting to get looks now using the womens restroom at work (need to start using the mens), but no one ever says anything to me, they give me this weird confused your in the wrong bathroom look and just do their business and don't talk to me, they kind of just ignore me lol

You would be so cool to hang out with. Just mind flip everybody, you and I.

[Alaia]

What are you doing in here? Are you even a woman??

Yes as a matter of fact I am, and I'm doing my business and then leaving. What are you doing here? Oh wait, nevermind. Bathroom... ->-bleeped-<-s... I guess I was bound to run into one at some point or another.

[mrs izzy]

I think this goes back to the reoccurring conversation about passing. Passing isn't about physical appearance, it is about confidence and attitude. People notice anxiety and fear more than what someone looks like. Using a public restroom is a very similar concept. If you are anxious and are having feelings of doubt and guilt about being there, other people will pick up on it and notice you. If you have the confidence and the true belief that you belong there just like everyone else 99.9% of the time no one will even notice. Admittedly it took me a few outings to gain that confidence.

This is so true. I have been saying this for years.

Well Said.
Isabell

[xponentialshift]

I accidentally used the women's bathroom last year before I identified as trans. I went in, did my thing, washed my hands and left. It didn't even register to me that the three other people at the sinks were women until after I'd left.
No one said anything to me or looked at me funny (that I noticed) other than the guy who walked out of the men's room as I was leaving the women's. He gave me a strange look and shrugged.

I did have really long hair so maybe everyone assumed I was female, idk.
I did feel bad afterwards, but hey, when you gotta go you gotta go. (I had been on a hot roof in Hawaii for 5 hours)

[katiej]

California recently passed a law that school-aged trans children can use the bathroom of their choosing.  Well, here in the very conservative small town I live in, people lost their damn minds!  They were all imagining a 16 year old boy pretending to be trans so he can get into the girls locker room.  It just doesn't work that way.

I had a few conversations with people about it, and to their credit, everyone's attitude completely turned around when I told them that LA county has had the same law for about ten years without one single incident.  Almost a million students, ten years, no problems at all.

[JennyH]

I have had an issue yet but if it happened I would whip out my new license and say it says female on here!

[CarKitty]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful replies!!
Confidence is definitely a big part of it, I agree, and it's good to hear that it almost always goes without incident!

And definitely bigots ruin everyone's life, trans or not (a friend of mine's young elementary daughter got screamed profanities at in the loo because she looked butch), but it's definitely important to remember that these incidents are very rare, I agree.

Thanks again for the confidence boost!