why cant i make this go away

[Umiko]

ridiculous i know but thats what people tell me constantly especially my mother. i'm just a basket case so hearing that makes me even more depressed. i keep getting called Eisenstein or a genius or some other term for a very smart person and some people in high school kept calling me the wiseman because i could usually solve their issues, but yet i say it makes me feel worse because i cant solve my own problems. oh well, its just another story in the book of my life. i'm neither wise, or a genius or Eisenstein or any other smart term at all and that will never be because that just isnt me.

[Jess42]

No hon. Show me a person that isn't a basket case and I will show you a person that has not experienced life.

Brianna, I have exprienced life on many different levels, not only trans. Live fast, love hard and die young. Only the good die you so that is the reason I'm still here.

Bottling is never a good thing. Believe me It will drive you nuts. It almos did me.

C'mon little sister open up to your therapist, psychiatrist or any othe medical or psychological professional. When I did a lot of stuff that I used to deal with disappeared. Sometimes that is all we need, to tell out secrets to someone face to face. I'm still me but whole lot better feeling me.

70 yrs old? I promise you I have lived a lot faster and harder than most anyone and in my forties feel like I am 70 but in no way as wise as 70.

[Umiko]

No hon. Show me a person that isn't a basket case and I will show you a person that has not experienced life.

Brianna, I have exprienced life on many different levels, not only trans. Live fast, love hard and die young. Only the good die you so that is the reason I'm still here.

Bottling is never a good thing. Believe me It will drive you nuts. It almos did me.

C'mon little sister open up to your therapist, psychiatrist or any othe medical or psychological professional. When I did a lot of stuff that I used to deal with disappeared. Sometimes that is all we need, to tell out secrets to someone face to face. I'm still me but whole lot better feeling me.

70 yrs old? I promise you I have lived a lot faster and harder than most anyone and in my forties feel like I am 70 but in no way as wise as 70.

i'm open to my therapist and my psychiatrist. just i havent dived to deep yet because of the circumstances at this very moment though as of now, i'm on solid ground so i can speak more freely. my psychiatrist i see outside of the hospital i just opened up to about being trans so now i see him for a 2 hour visit on the 30th so i'll use that and try and see if i can force myself to be a little more open

[ativan]

A lot of times, opening up to people can be a bad experience, sometimes they end up using it against you.
This doesn't happen with therapists, Doctors, psychiatrists, or psychologists. You're supposed to tell them everything.
There isn't anything that is going to so shock them that you can't tell them.
Mine know of things that I will never write about here, hardly a person even knows about them, they do only because they were a part of it.
You might not want to open up here out of this same fear, but when you ask questions and people keep giving you really good answers,
You need to quit dodging it with different or worse things.
Take some time to reflect on just what people are trying to tell you.
You've got, what 16-17 days till you find out about your HRT? Closer than a lot of other people.
But still, it must seem like a long way off. I can see the anxiety in this, but calm yourself down.
Things are moving along, it takes time, but a lot less time than it used to.
When people take the time to invest in you with their knowledge, use it.
Think about it, consider it from all directions before simply moving past it to the next thing that you can think of as an excuse to not do just that.
Excuses will get you nowhere. Stop making them.
You are in effect, cheating yourself out of some very good help and information from people.
I've seen a lot of people go through this and do it the same way as you are. Same but different.
You're trying to make a special case out of it, it's really not. You don't need any special help.
You're getting it anyways, because people are nice enough to invest in you.
I use the word invest with intention. They are giving you something of value.
Spend it wisely. Think about just what it is that they have invested in you, because they think you're worth it.
You're getting closer everyday. Much closer. And you have a lot of investment in you to see you through until you get there.
Hang in there, you're so close. We've all been through it and survived.
You will too. For some it's harder than it is for others, but a lot of people here are telling you what you want to know.
Listen to them. It's the least you can do in return for the investment they are making in you.
You're getting closer, it's always one step at a time, one step at a time. Don't get ahead of yourself.
Ativan

[Umiko]

i see my psychiatrist on the 30th. he know's things my therapist doesnt know so its not like i'm not talking, and no, i rather not be a special case. i just want to be "normal" or at least able to think without the constant onslaught of headaches. i'm actually doing a lot better and as for HRT, once i figure out whether or not i can get my script on the 11th, i may just in fact deny it and wait a little while longer depending on what my psychiatrist says about my mental stability during my full eva on the 30th. i want to be happy so i'm seeking help but its my resistance, bad experience and a whole helluva other stuff blocking me which is not only annoying but is causing my self doubt. i made up my mind and say even with my self hatred, i'm going to be happy one way or another or i may as well bury myself alive 6 feet under. i may not be good at keeping commitments but this is something i want to do, but i do appreciate the brutal honesty, ativan. as my saying goes, i rather have the brutal, painful truth rather than a sugarcoated lie.

[ativan]

One step at a time, one step at a time...
You're getting there.
With the psychiatrist coming up so fast, it's a good time to think about what you've learned here.
Use it to your advantage, go in prepared.
Nothing like walking in unprepared.
The time with them will go fast, so even a list of things isn't out of the question.
Just remember to listen and consider before thinking ahead to the next thing.
Here you get the luxury of pausing and taking all the time you need to consider things before moving on to the next thing.
Use the time that you have to consider the things you truly want to know before going in.
I have a feeling, and it's just me thinking, that if you try low dosr HRT, things will have a diffent look to them.
It's just one of those things you won't know until you try.
One step... you'll get there.
Ativan

[HoneyStrums]

you don't like being alone?
but when your with people you isolate yourself?

why is this so perplexing, to me it makes perfect sence :~)

your an extrovert (likes socialising) but because of particular parts of who your are and fear of rejection you hide them. (I did too, and do still to a lessor degree )

over time though the hiding got to me. I loved these people, but felt until they know the real me they could never love me, but I needed them to know the real me. only then could I truly feel pert of the group. I still hide the real me away when I'm on my own for the most part. BUT its in the real me mode, and fear of that rejection. But with a friend I can take on the world I don't want to be alone either. I need to be liked and loved and even a comment from a stranger means so much to me. But i'm like this because I care about everybody because I want everybody to care about me. I'm working on this though, because nobody can know me by looking and if I do get any negative responces I know its because they don't know me.

the problem is putting that into practice.

[Umiko]

i know. 6 days. seems like a lot of time but it really isnt. this 2 hour session will make or break me and be the deciding factor of whether or not i am prepared to transition even though i was diagnosed with GID, this session will decide my fate. i just have so much to say that i'd have to write a speech and hope that i can fit it all in lol

you don't like being alone?
but when your with people you isolate yourself?

why is this so perplexing, to me it makes perfect sence :~)

your an extrovert (likes socialising) but because of particular parts of who your are and fear of rejection you hide them. (I did too, and do still to a lessor degree )

over time though the hiding got to me. I loved these people, but felt until they know the real me they could never love me, but I needed them to know the real me. only then could I truly feel pert of the group. I still hide the real me away when I'm on my own for the most part. BUT its in the real me mode, and fear of that rejection. But with a friend I can take on the world I don't want to be alone either. I need to be liked and loved and even a comment from a stranger means so much to me. But i'm like this because I care about everybody because I want everybody to care about me. I'm working on this though, because nobody can know me by looking and if I do get any negative responces I know its because they don't know me.

the problem is putting that into practice.

its not the fear of rejection really, its when people get to close to me, they see the real me and it scares me. i know its not right to put on a facade but thats just how i learned to survive. it all goes back to being used and treated like nothing more than a sex toy or a dumping ground. i'm one of the kindest, gentlest creatures on this planet and since we are rarities it seems, people take advantage of us more so than regular people. i'm like a rare treat you get once every other 3 years do to some type of tradition or special occasion. idk, people are just horrible thus why i put up a mask to hide that rare trait of mines thus allowing me to live a little longer though it shows after awhile do to the energy drain 

[HoneyStrums]

You know a lot more about yourself then I do.

And It made me smile. You do seem to be in a much more stable place then when you joined here. (you are definitely getting there )

[Umiko]

stable being the operative word but your right. i'm willing to seek more help or give therapy another chance. though this hellstorm or emotions is agitating me, i'm working through it and i have cut down a lot on the self harming so thats a plus. 3 weeks clean and counting