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The Totally New Even More Bad Jokes Thread

Started by Cindy, June 22, 2014, 09:06:08 PM

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MaryT

Quote from: big kim on July 23, 2018, 05:52:12 PM
What did the Scotsman sy when he won the lottery?
"I'm going to save,save, save!"
I'm 1/2 Scot & I've met more English skinflints than Scots!

In TV's Bargain Hunt, the auctions in Glasgow are invariably more profitable than English ones, so Scots obviously aren't afraid to spend nowadays.

I am reminded, though, of an old Glaswegian joke that was explained to me by a receptionist where I once worked.  Her first home and school had been in the Gorbals.

I asked the time and she replied "I left my watch on the television". 
"Pardon?" I responded.

She explained that at her first school, when a new teacher asked a child why he/she was late, the child would reply that he/she did not know the time. 
The teacher would then ask "Where's your watch?"
and the child would reply "I left it on the television".

The idea of a child in the Gorbals being able to afford a watch was almost as absurd as the idea that his or her parents could afford a television.

Obviously, things have changed for the better.



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Drexy/Drex

What do you get when you cross a pitbull with lassie?

A dog that rips your face off then runs for help!
Everything
  Louder
   Than
Everything
    Else
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SallyChoasAura

Me&bff: *Having some random conversation about gay ships and OTPs*
Jerk behind us: Ugh. Gross. Don't you two have any standards?
Me&bff: ...
Bff: No. Screw you.
Me: What's that?
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big kim

My dog's got no nose
How does it smell
Awful!
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MaryT

Suzy         : Dear Agony Aunt,
                  Last night, I stayed out with my boyfriend until after midnight.
                  Did I do wrong?

Agony Aunt: Dear Suzy,
                  Try to remember.
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V M

Why did they call the cheese Gouda? Because it's a gooda cheeese  ;D
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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RabbitSpectre

Quote from: V M on October 08, 2018, 04:31:26 AM
Why did they call the cheese Gouda? Because it's a gooda cheeese  ;D

XD XD XD

I think all the corn in Iowa heard that joke!

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V M

What do get when you cross a duck with a moose? - A silly goose that likes to horse around
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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BeverlyAnn

Q: What's Edward Bulwer-Lytton's favorite pastime?

A: Watching Stormy Daniels videos in the evening, with the lights turned off.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde



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BeverlyAnn

Q.  What do you call an Irish virgin ?

A.  Feckless
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde



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DawnOday

Someday"s you feel like a nut. Someday you get an orchi.

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

Dawn Oday

It just feels right   :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_kiss: :icon_kiss: :icon_kiss:

If you have a a business or service that supports our community please submit for our Links Page.

First indication I was different- 1956 kindergarten
First crossdress - Asked mother to dress me in sisters costumes  Age 7
First revelation - 1982 to my present wife
First time telling the truth in therapy June 15, 2016
Start HRT Aug 2016
First public appearance 5/15/17



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V M

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
- 2 Canadians telling a joke
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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Lacy

Q: What is the only thing you find in clean noses?
A: Finger prints
She believed she could so she did!

The continuing story of my new life!



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SallyChoasAura

Me: *walks out of the Ducktale Reboot fandom* Aaah... I finally managed to free myself from a fandom.
Disney: *Makes one of the episodes of the newest season have The Three Caballeros*
Me: *screeching as I jump headfirst into the fandom hole*
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V M

So like, I saw the chicken crossing the road the other day and so I asked it...

"Hey chicken, why you cross the road for?"

The chicken cocks it's head back and looks up...

"I got my reasons"
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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V M

The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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Battle Goddess

If you saw my introductory post, you'll know that we lost my father a little while ago.

One of the things he left me was his banjo. It's a nice, playable instrument, but it's too beat up to have much resale value. I don't have the time or interest to learn to play it. None of my musician friends want it. I've even tried giving it to the local schools' music programs, but they've turned me down.

Go figure. It's this really cool thing - I'm not just gonna put it out with the trash - but I can't even give it away.

About a week ago I came up with an easy way to find someone who wanted it and to get them take it off my hands. I live near a large city. I thought I'd put the banjo in the back seat, drive downtown, park somewhere with the windows rolled down, and go have a nice, long lunch. By the time I came back to the car, my problem should be solved.

Things didn't work out quite like I'd planned.

By the time I got back from lunch, two other guys had stuck their banjos in there with mine.
Spironolactone January 10
Divigel January 20
Estradiol Valerate March 14
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Battle Goddess

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on October 10, 2018, 07:53:11 PM
Q: What's Edward Bulwer-Lytton's favorite pastime?

A: Watching Stormy Daniels videos in the evening, with the lights turned off.

I think I love you.
Spironolactone January 10
Divigel January 20
Estradiol Valerate March 14
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BeverlyAnn

I finally shot my first turkey yesterday.


Scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde



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