Angry nonbinaries. Watch it there will probably be triggers in this thread.

[Satinjoy]

There are some of us here that are or were angry with themselves about going for full binary transitions, realizing they were not in tune with their true centers, and then pulling back to truth, but suffering the consequences and losses that went with an attempted full transition to the families and careers.

A place to get it off your chest if you need to vent it out.

This is not a condemnation of a binary transition.    It is a place to let it out, let it go, and move on in truth, if you need to do it.
Binary transitions are right for those for whom it is right.  But for me it is not the correct move.

I am one of the lucky ones, all I had were a couple of mental breakdowns and then a blazing revelation of truth.  That being said, I just asked my wife for some full transition time, which she graciously gave, and am locked in the bedroom fully Satinjoy MTF.  And frankly I feel normal and good wigged up, in heals, dressed as i like - 70's sublte and in thigh highs.  It is unhealthy for me to repress being out when I need to be out, but I am constrained to not present outside that door.  For my wife's sake.  I was fortunate to discover her boundaries and accept them.

I don't think that makes me less authentic.  Just smart enough for self-preservation.  But this is the real me, and so is the other presentation that will get behind the wheel of a very powerful gen 5 Camaro to go to work, just as authentically GQ.

I am not angry at myself much but I am a bit angry that it was such a close call and I came close to losing everything and was spared.  That was because of physical dysphoria and self deception.  And frustrated that my wife can't handle it, but I have fully accepted that reality and it is ok.  She is a remarkable woman, I have a lot to be grateful for, and the life we live far outweighs my physical dysphoric needs, so long as I know who I am from the inside out, always core Satinjoy, always dressed under the presentational attire, it is acceptable to me to live this way.   I see the woman in my eyes in the mirror, I know who I am under the roles, the masks,  and the presentations.

Anyone need to let it out?  And if we have no replies, that is a good thing too.

Don't read the thread if it is going to trigger depression please.  Just stop.  My story has a happy ending so far.  No tragedies or sadness here.  This is about survival, hope and healing, and the dangers inherent in dysphoria and percieved pressures to transition when you shouldn't.

[suzifrommd]

I am frustrated that there is no presentation that will truly reflect who I am. I'm someone who wants to be treated in all ways as a woman but reflecting that there are elements of male in my identity.

I am not angry about this. It's no one's fault. Humans are wired to gender each other (it's pretty required for procreation of our species) and to assign people they meet into one of two binary genders. Open-minded, disciplined, people can, with some effort, get past this tendency.

But I don't want them to.

I don't want meeting me and getting to know me to be an "effort". I want people to feel 100% comfortable in my presence and happy to see me.

So I present female, and have them gender me that way, which is OK most of the time. When people get to know me, I can let them know that I'm non-binary, still feel like a man a lot of the time even though I don't like it, etc.

But yes, it would be a better world if people just naturally accepted non-binary gender. It would be a better world if everyone were rich, healthy, happy and smart. I don't think general acceptance of non-binary gender (as opposed to sporadic an localized) is any more likely than making those happen.