Sad days, would love to get some assistance.

[Miyu]

I've just registered to the forum, after looking in it for a while now, I didn't know if I should write anything here.. But after what happend yesterday, I assume I must do it.
First of all, I apologize if my English is awful, I'll try my best to make it readable.

My story is really long, but I'll try to keep short. I'll divide my story to times.
I know that I'm trans for more than 4 years now. Therefore I'll start of the first years.

Years 1-2
--------------
I won't use my real name for the simple reason. I hate it.
I was in love with the name Miyuki for ages now, even before I knew I was trans.
I was always a shy boy and I did like girly staff, I LOVED girly shows, but mostly Card Captor Sakura, I was about 6 back then. and me and my friend were always playing some weird games and were choosing a hero or something and we would somehow pretend we are that hero we chose. Obviously.. I chose Sakura.
I seriously loved shows that are focusing on girls, and I still do, at the age of 18.
I always enjoyed cute staff and I never thought something is actually wrong with me, it didn't even come into my mind.
Another thing, that you people probably won't like, I was homophobic. I was retarded, and childish. Our country is filled with homophobic kids, so sadly I grew up to become one.
That thing passed away when I knew I was trans, actually, even before.
Well, it all happend so suddenly. I knew nothing. I just happen to watch my favorite vocalist. A virtual vocalist, singing in Japanese, Hatsune Miku. She has been my goddess for years now.
And I was watching her. And suddenly.. I started not just to listen to the music. But I started to look at her. It's like, my eyes changed, my vision did also. I looked at her clothes. AND WOW suddenly I just wanted to be her. To be more exact.
Not her. But just to be a girl.
It was hard for me to accept that. That thought was nothing to me back than. So I tried to forget it. For a while, it was easy, and fine.
But then jealousy( I think that's the word ) came.

Third year
-----------------

I guess that by letting this thought sleep, also means that I was letting it eat me from the inside.
I started looking at girls, not cause wow she looks good or she has that or that. But I looked at them cause I wanted to be at least her!
Day by day it started to get heavier. It started to be unbearable and hard. I decided that it's time to make a move.
I was looking in the internet for solutions. I was reading literally EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING, about the transition.
Hormones, Surgeries, name it, I know it.
I was going to sleep later then I usually did, cause I would spend hours, using my internet from my phone on bed, just to read about this.
When everyone was asleep, I was there. Reading. I was looking at youtube videos on people doing the transition.

Fourth year
--------------
Still reading.
More people know about my secret, I mean friends. Real friends.
Then more bad staff happend..

Uh.. I'm sorry.. I feel really bad. I'll take a break and I'll continue.. It isn't easy to think about what happend to me, I'm really sorry..
Till then I would love to hear from you, any words that could help, I would love it really..

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Hi Miyu,

Welcome to the family, you've now been adopted. You're not alone, I promise.

I think you're a perfectly normal person who's trying to find her way. The world at large isn't set up to help trans people. We must find our own resources. Thankfully Susan founded this place and you found your way here.

There is no pressure to tell the rest of your story. Please do if it will help you. There are a lot of caring people here who won't judge. This is a safe place.

with love,
-Claire

[LordKAT]

Hi Miyu, welcome to Susan's.

You are not alone in your feelings and you have come to the right place to be able to share your story, as much or as little as you want.

Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  

[awilliams1701]

Talking about it has helped me immensely. About a week or so after I found out, I went to work and on the way there I felt trapped, alone and could hardly breathe. The feelings continued all day. I decided to tell my parents and one of my sisters. They told me it was ok and they would accept me no matter what. At that point I knew I wasn't alone anymore. Even if none of them know anything about being trans it helped anyway.

[Rachel]

Miyu I know how you feel. What you described is dysphoria.

You are among friends here and a lot of us have felt exactly what you have felt.

I know that sharing my feelings, hopes and dreams here has helped me to focus on what I really want and need. I also got help from a gender therapist.

If you want to share more we will understand and support you.

[ChelseaAnn]

I love cardcaptors! OMG!
Anyway, seems you're in the same boat as the rest of us. There is plenty of support on here, we're all here for each other.