what is wrong with me!?

[Shana-chan]

So, I finally acquired my new female voice a few weeks ago, sure I have trouble raising it, lowering it, and even doing certain things such as laughing and maybe sneezing. It's also hard to talk with it for a long period of time, especially sing with it. (I wish I wasn't tone deaf, and a few other things I wish weren't the case too..) But, the thing that's really bugging me is, I can't seem to bring myself to use it around those that I know. To make matters worse, I'm gender fluid but I only wish to be female (I'm MtF) and I keep at times calling myself or picturing myself as a man.. (In my head obviously) I mean, I only want to be female, but, the gender switching is driving me crazy and depressing me on TOP OF being trans. I want to start E, I hope that will help with the gender switching? But really, what is wrong with me!? Why can't I bring myself to use my female voice in front of those who I know? They all know I'm trans, so, WHY!? Is it because of the gender fluidness? Is it because it's hard to maintain this female voice and thus using my male voice is easier? Is it because I'm dealing with depression and have a hard time not expressing how I feel, thus, typically when I'm depressed I'll be feeling male too.

what is wrong with me!?

[Umiko]

dont worry onee-chan. you arent alone. when i'm at home or with one of my friends, my voice is always girly, giggly and sometimes just plain annoying but thats just me. when i'm in class and my professor calls me, my voice automatically deepens and when i'm around strangers, forget about it. nothing wrong with you. maybe social dysphoria kicking in?

[Ms Grace]

From what I've read from others here, this is not unusual. I guess the thing to ask yourself is why do you feel you can't use your female voice in front of your friends. Are you afraid of how they will react to you using it?

[Julia-Madrid]

Relax a little Shana.   It's a question of time and getting used to using your new voice.   This happened to me as well.

Our new voices take a massive amount of effort to control at the beginning.  We have to listen to ourselves continuously, controlling pitch and inflection, and on top of this we are also trying to say something meaningful. 

All of that requires serious effort, and around friends I think we tend to relax a lot more, and hence our old voice returns.  I don't really think this has to do with your being gender-fluid, just more comfortable around your friends.

As for singing, sneezing, coughing and the telephone, let's not even go there girl...!

[ChelseaAnn]

I think it might be a comfort thing. That's what I noticed with myself. When my friends saw me dressed as Chelsea for the first time, I had used my female voice before, but I didn't use it with them. Honestly, I thought on it the next day, and realized there was no pressure to use it. I didn't have to fear being outted, because the people I was with didn't care.
Something to think about.

[Shana-chan]

I've done some thinking on it and, the only thing I can think of which STILL makes no sense is, the way I see it, I've told them I'm a woman, and if I use my female voice, they will expect me to use it all the time. That fact of having to use it all the time is why I hesitate to use it, because then I can't go back. I only want to be fully 100% female, but, I am gender fluid, so I switch between the two genders and even feel in between at times, I honestly hate feeling this way and while there's nothing wrong with being gender fluid, the fact is, I only want to be one gender and nothing else but I can't help how I am and feel. What is wrong with me?

[Ms Grace]

There's nothing wrong with you. Honestly, I see that as a fairly valid conundrum. You might do better to repost and reframe your post title and question and you might get some feedback from other gender fluid people on the forum. For example:

Topic: "Using female/male voice with friends when gender fluid"
(this let's people know what the thread is about and they are more likely to check it out and help. Plaintive titles like "what's wrong with me?" are a dime a dozen and get lost amongst the other.)

Ask: "Do other gender fluid people have experience with changing their voice back and forth amongst friends even when they are out as trans? I feel really uncomfortable using my female voice with my friends because, even though I'm fluid, I feel like I should chose one voice and stick with it."

When I was in the early transition stage I only used my female voice when I was presenting as female. When I was presenting as male it was the male voice. But then I don't consider myself gender fluid (although, at the moment, I can still change back to the other if required with no real difficulties) - I was very clear with friends and others about which presentation I was using so from that angle I'm very binary.