I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me [Updated first post]

[K Style Addiction]

I know everybody is going to hate me for making a second thread, but there was something personal i did not want to be known in the first thread.

Today my day went from bad to worse, something really bad happened, i feel ugly, uglier than i have felt in a long while (Jess42 hon, i'm not calling you or anybody a liar, it's just how i feel right now sadly) i hope i'm wrong, i want to be wrong. I feel horrific,

Today as i was entering the lift in my apartment building after a horrible incident with the manager's boss, this thug/gangsta looking guy came out glanced at me, quite quickly looked down to the ground and then as i entered the lift he did it again, glancing at me and then turning his head down. he just looked at my face then looked at the floor, i'm bugged why he gave had to do it a second time. He wasn't sizing me up he just looked at me then real quick turn his gaze to the floor it wasn't a state either, sizing me up i think would have been slowly looking throughout my whole body.

I think he clocked me which made my day even worse, then things happened that made me feel so sad like i wish i could just hang myself or slit my wrists, to end it all...so much stress from feeling ugly and not passing, to problems with the apartment to having this feeling that i will always be in the predicament i am in now...i just want the pain, to go away. I want to be happy, pretty and free.

[Adam (birkin)]

Sorry to hear that you had a bad day Donna. But you don't know for certain that he clocked you. I've had people look me up and down and it made me feel scared - did they think I was a girl? Were they sizing me up? But when I actually spoke with them they very clearly thought I was a cisgender male, and I was just reading far too much into the looks they gave me. Some people just do that. I actually think I do too, sometimes I tend to look at someone a bit too long or look them up and down, and I don't mean a single thing by it, I just get lost in thought or don't know where else to look.

[immortal gypsy]

These types of people rely on intimidation to scare people it boost there ego.  Just because he was staring at you doesn't mean you didn't pass. The fact that he noticed you were uncomfortable with him giving you a hard look made you all the more aware when he did it again, and enjoyable for him because he received a reaction from you.

                                                                 OR

First look he saw an attractive young lady and as you went into the lift he wanted another look. You where just more aware of it this time because of how he was dressed and how you are feeling right now.  (Sometimes our perception of the world around us changes pending on how we're feeling).

Sorry you had a bad day Donna tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one for you. Hugs

[sad panda]

I wish I could help more, it's just hard because I struggle so bad with the same issues All that's helping me is to realize that nobody can tell i'm trans, there's no reason they would think that no matter how much I worry about it, and to realize that nobody honestly cares what I do or say anyway as long as people are honestly telling me I'm pretty, even if I don't believe it. I read recently that one of the defining characteristics of bpd people is that they interpret neutral faces as sad or angry. it's something i do too. I automatically turn every neutral interaction into a bad one in my head. I mean, I know how horrid it feels. You ARE suffering from a lot of distorted thinking though, and you have to try your hardest to remember that the way reality feels is really really often not how it actually is. I really really think a therapist could help you. I'm just saying. hugs :c

[suzifrommd]

I'm with some of the others, Donna. Not clear you were clocked.

But let's say you were. You were a victim of a microaggression. One you didn't deserve. One from someone who has no idea what a wonderful, sensitive, interesting person you are. One who only saw your outsides.

D'ya read the thread that Jayne posted about chasing thugs through the alleys of the city? I don't have anything near her guts, but I'd like to think I have some of that attitude. I deserve to be on this earth just as much as anyone else. Anyone who looks down on me is showing me how small and weak they are.

Can you find some of that sort of self-talk when things like this happen?

[K Style Addiction]

These types of people rely on intimidation to scare people it boost there ego.  Just because he was staring at you doesn't mean you didn't pass. The fact that he noticed you were uncomfortable with him giving you a hard look made you all the more aware when he did it again, and enjoyable for him because he received a reaction from you.

                                                                 OR

First look he saw an attractive young lady and as you went into the lift he wanted another look. You where just more aware of it this time because of how he was dressed and how you are feeling right now.  (Sometimes our perception of the world around us changes pending on how we're feeling).

Sorry you had a bad day Donna tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one for you. Hugs

He didn't stare to be fair to him, he just looked for a short while (a glance) then turned down, then glanced one more time then turn down....i was worried i got clocked for the fact that he gave me a second look.

[awilliams1701]

One of the down sides of being a girl is that there are guys out there that will treat us like crap (trans or cis) just because it makes them feel manly. Fortunately I've never seen this happen, but I'm concerned that once I start I could meet guys like that.

[K Style Addiction]

You were a victim of a microaggression. One you didn't deserve. One from someone who has no idea what a wonderful, sensitive, interesting person you are. One who only saw your outsides.

he was not being aggressive, his face showed little to no emotions and liked i said to his credit he looked for a very short period of time, a glance more than a look what bothered me yesterday was he glanced one more time.

[K Style Addiction]

One of the down sides of being a girl is that there are guys out there that will treat us like crap (trans or cis) just because it makes them feel manly. Fortunately I've never seen this happen, but I'm concerned that once I start I could meet guys like that.

What do you mean?

[K Style Addiction]

Oh and people have looked at me before but usually they look at me once then turn away, he did look at me and turn his head to the ground but what bother's me is why did he look at me again.

[K Style Addiction]

He wasn't sizing me up he just looked at me then real quick turn his gaze to the floor it wasn't a state either. sizing me up i think would have been slowly looking throughout my whole body.

[LordKAT]

He could have done it because he thought you were very pretty. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

[Jennygirl]

I saw this image posted on facebook the other day, I have fallen into this trap many times since starting transition. When I saw this thread I immediately thought of this image

[K Style Addiction]

I saw this image posted on facebook the other day, I have fallen into this trap many times since starting transition. When I saw this thread I immediately thought of this image

I'm pretty sure that wasn't it as i didn't go the the bathroom downstairs lol.

[Jennygirl]

I'm pretty sure that wasn't it as i didn't go the the bathroom downstairs lol.

Lol! Well when I said I have fallen into this trap I didn't mean literally, it just just a good representation of how we are our own worst critics about basing stares on our gender presentation- when it is most likely not that at all!

Anyway just happy I got a laugh out of you

[K Style Addiction]

Anyway just happy I got a laugh out of you

you laughing at me in general or for saying;

I'm pretty sure that wasn't it as i didn't go the the bathroom downstairs lol.

I was joking but i didn't think it was actually funny lol.

[Jess42]

I replied to you earlier Hon in private so you know what I think. It seems like normal guy behavior. There is an uwritten guy (God I hate knowing that but have heard it quite a bit) rule that one look means nothing, two looks they probably find you attractive but may be shy or actually have a girlfriend or wife but was interested enough for a second glance. I think if he would have clocked you he wouldn
t have done a doubletake. Seriously.

BTW, we all look better with makeup trans or cis but we are also pretty without it too.

[Jess42]

PS. I was just looking at your avatar and trying to picture you without makeup and I see nothing but female. Don't really look like you are wearing too much even in your avatar.

[Edge]

He probably found you attractive. I'm not just saying that to be nice. That's what people (including me) do when they want to look at someone attractive without being too obvious about it.

[Evelyn K]

http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/parts_body_language/eyes_body_language.htm