I don't know what's wrong? *UPDATED* I do know now!!

[Jessica Merriman]

I really don't even now where to start?
I am so confused right now about everything. It seems like all I do anymore is make mistakes in dealing with post replies, Moderating and acting like a drama queen (which I never was before) of some kind. I could blame it on a million things such as HRT, transition, lack of sleep or temporary insanity. I am not that way though and I accept the consequences of my actions fully. I have accidentally put info from the "just for us" section on the public forum (a big no no), made mistakes in Moderating and correctly filling out reports and have made some leave this family either by advice given or other ways. That to me is not support and this is what this place is, a support site. When I make mistakes I am VERY hard on myself because in my career mistakes cost actual lives and property not to mention more pain and suffering. In fact there were days where I lost a patient and would then spend literally hours in the helicopter on the pad in 104 degree heat with humidity in the 85%+ level going over everything I had done on the flight report making sure the loss was not my fault. I find myself doing the same thing now. I have been going over everything I have done lately trying to figure out WHY I made the errors I have and only find pitiful excuses like fatigue and body/mind changes. That to me is not a good enough answer and leads me to believe I do not have what it takes to care for our members here. I apologize to everyone here that I have hurt or caused more pain to. Please believe I did give my all and did it for the right reasons or so I thought. I never meant to be part of the problem and now the only solution I can see is removing myself and allowing more sensible people to fill my position here. The other staff here are very good people and do a great job and are far more qualified than I am in protecting this family. You can have full confidence in them all. I just wish I could have measured up as well as this is a first failure for me personally. I do hope I will be allowed to remain as a member as I need the support as well. You may find it hard to believe, but I do have difficulties in my life as well there is just too much pain here already for me to add mine.

[Adam (birkin)]

Don't be so hard on yourself, Jessica (that's coming from someone who does the exact same thing himself though). No one can make every situation perfect, sometimes things just don't work out in the ideal way.

And fatigue and body changes aren't pitiful excuses at all! Those things legitimately affect anybody. You're a very valuable member here and clearly dedicated to helping others out, which I have a huge respect and admiration for. Don't beat yourself up, we have all made mistakes (whether it was through fault of our own or not) and the most important thing is to acknowledge them, try to grow (if it was your fault, if not, accept the outcome), and move on.

[Ltl89]

Jessica, please realize that some of the bad things you are currently thinking are not shared by most of us.  There are many of us that care for you and see you as a valuable asset to this site.  Not just as a mod but as a member.   Please don't be so hard on yourself.  And I'm quite certain that no one is upset with you in anyway like you are thinking.  There really was no failure on your part and the situation was quickly remedied.  Isn't that a success rather than failure?  Isn't that a sign of successful and compassionate mod?  The fact that you can be reached and try to do your best at all times is appreciated.  The fact that you listen to people, try to help and empathize is one of the qualities that I respect most about people.  You have that gift Jess.  Don't throw it away or let this eat you up.  There isn't a reason for it.

[Tysilio]

Jessica, is it possible you're just trying to do too much? I haven't been a member all that long, but I've noticed that you're here a lot, taking care of just about everyone as best you can. From what I've seen, it's a darn good best, but I've wondered how you keep it up!

You're such a fine presence here: you contribute so much to making Susan's what it is, and it would be a huge loss to us all if you gave up the work you do. That said, I get that moderating a forum can take a lot out of a person; especially a forum like this, that runs with such a high level of emotional intensity.

So... cut yourself some slack, OK, Sis? You're a wonderful, kind, caring person, and you don't have to be Superwoman to prove it.

Take a sabbatical if you need to, find ways to take care of your own needs as well as everyone else's, but don't for heaven's sake think this is an all or nothing thing. You're good at this, and giving it up is NOT the only option!

[Rachel]

Jessica, you are wonderful and human. Regardless who, we all make mistakes.

Perhaps fatigue is a warning to impose limits. Fatigue often creates an environment ripe for mistakes.

Hugs we love you.

[helen2010]

Jessica

Wow.  You give yourself a really hard press.  From where I sit your intent is always honourable and the message is respectful.   Whenever I disagree with a comment I always look to identify the intent and the motivation and your comments pass on both counts.

Frankly I haven't seen the bad advice you think that you may have provided.   All I have seen is one very dedicated, passionate, selfless and quite amazing leader of our community.  Perhaps we don't acknowledge, thank or appreciate those who make a difference.

So Jessica, thank you.  We appreciate and respect your advice and commitment.   Be kind to yourself as you have certainly been kind to us.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jessica Merriman]

Thanks for the comments family. I just do not know where to go from here. I meant to lock this topic before any replies came in, but screwed that up as well as this was supposed to be just an announcement of sorts.. Thank you so much for being there for me as I have tried for you. I will think about you all often and carry you with me always. 

Hopefully topic locked now.

[Jessica Merriman]

Topic is unlocked thanks to the utter brilliance of Moderator Colleen Callie. She finally explained exactly what I am feeling and why I am so off the past few days. Here is her remarkable answer to my predicament.

"But the biggest factor is, well, you're in Jr. High again.  Middle school.  You're in a second puberty.  Which means high concentration of hormones and everything that comes with it.  Just like it did back in Jr. High.  A place that truly sucks because every kid in that place is moody as hell, tired, and confused about everything that's going on with their body.

Hormone changes bring mood instability.  Once your mind and body adjust to the levels everything will level out again.  For now, don't panic.  It might suck at times, but it's normal and means the HRT is doing its job."

I went my whole life without any emotions of any kind and the HRT I am on was just boosted to high gear last appointment. I am simply feeling for the first time in my life and just haven't learned how to deal with and manage them appropriately. I will work on it now that I now what is wrong. Thank you so much Colleen!

[Tysilio]

Yes, brilliant. And isn't it great when you realize that stuff like this isn't down to you?   

Thanks for posting this, Jessica.              

[Jessica Merriman]

I just ask for a little patience from everyone as this is all new to me.

[Tysilio]

Considering how many people here have been/are going through some version of this, I don't think that'll be a problem for us...

[Colleen♡Callie]

Glad I can help.  Hugs. 

I'm just glad that in my curiosity of how things will be living on estrogen, I looked this up.  Found a study where they hypothesized high levels of estrogen was the cause of mood instability and mood swings (like aggression with high levels of testosterone).  Turned out the actual levels didn't matter and had no effect.  What did have an effect was the stability of the hormone levels. Gradual changes has no effect on mood stability, but sudden dramatic changes did.  Once the body adjusted to the new levels, mood stabilized. 

If I hadn't looked that up recently, I would have been significantly less help I think.

[Jessica Merriman]

If I hadn't looked that up recently, I would have been significantly less help I think.

I should have know about it! 28 years of Para medicine and I never knew. Show you how far we have to go to even train medical providers. I had a few trans patient, but knew nothing of the medications or surgical procedures they endured. I put in a proposal to teach an hour block at the College where Paramedics are trained hoping they will let me teach about us. No answer yet though. Maybe they are still not ready to admit or face the issue.

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

  

[Colleen♡Callie]

I should have know about it! 28 years of Para medicine and I never knew. Show you how far we have to go to even train medical providers. I had a few trans patient, but knew nothing of the medications or surgical procedures they endured. I put in a proposal to teach an hour block at the College where Paramedics are trained hoping they will let me teach about us. No answer yet though. Maybe they are still not ready to admit or face the issue.

Fingers crossed they allow you to educate future paramedics

[Jessica Merriman]

Fingers crossed they allow you to educate future paramedics

I hope so. It would have been nice to know Spiro can cause rapid blood pressure drops and "E" might be a cause for DVTs, CVA, etc. You would think they would consider that important with the latest figures of trans people coming out.

[Monkeymel]

I'm glad you figured it out. Working too hard to help ease all of the problems of the world - and not internalize them - is something I'm sure you are trained in. But so easy to forget when puberty 2.0 kicks through. It sounds like you also need to have a bit of "me time". Someone to listen to you... And some pampering. Spa. Or bubbly In a hot tub... Sorry I've no idea where to find it but I hope you can.

[Jessica Merriman]

Working too hard to help ease all of the problems of the world - and not internalize them - is something I'm sure you are trained in.

We were trained well to be unemotional while doing the job to inspire by not looking panicked or rushed. What they did not train us in is how to deal with it afterward. As long as you were cool and professional at work what happened after was not their concern. I will say HRT has alleviated most of my PTSD symptoms a lot and provided a lot of peace, that is until this puberty period set in. I did not see it coming at all. One day you are fine and dandy and the next, like Colleen put so well, you are back in Junior High. Have to admit it is rougher than the first puberty I had I suppose because of the emotions flooding in. I was never emotional before my whole life so this is a totally new experience for me. Truth is it is a little scary not knowing when and where something will set me off. I am kind of looking forward to getting past the awkward teen years and into the boy crazy period!