how to act like oneself in a relationship

[Edge]

So... uh.. weird question: How does one act like a guy in a relationship? Specifically, how does a guy like me act in a gay relationship?

Yes, I know. Some people want to say to just act like myself. Just bear with me for a second. How to act romantically in a relationship does not come naturally to me.

The habits I did pick up are copied and learned... and they're all effeminate. Yes, I know it's ok to be effeminate, but picking up that behaviour was caused by and continued to cause some really dark times and makes me very uncomfortable (to say the least). Basically, I pretended to be someone else in the hopes that someone would stand to be around me for awhile and that the only thing other people valued was my feminine body (which was true a lot of the time). Does it make sense now why I want to stop?

The problem is, I don't know any other way to act. I guess I could study how men act in relationships in movies and stuff, but I usually can't tell what it is they actually do. Same with men in real life I know who are in relationships. Besides, they're almost always with women and I know from experience that men and women are treated slightly differently in social situations. There's also the problem that I want to act like the kind of guy I am and not necessarily the kind of guy portrayed in media.

I know I have to figure out for myself how a viking metalhead trickster acts in a gay relationship, but any advice would be appreciated.

[sad panda]

I find it just takes a lot of time. Considering I'm someone who *intensely* struggles with acting like what I am or even knowing what I am, I worried about this a lot. At the start of my relationship, figures, I just mirrored and mirrored. I was so fake, but now I don't even think about it and I'm not self-conscious about pretty much anything about myself with my partner, which is saying a lot. It took a long time and a lot of learning to trust him to fall into my own role. I think all you can really do is act like you think you need to, and eventually that will point the way to how you want to. Sorry, probably not very helpful, but, just my experience with this.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

In relationships I fear too that I act too masculine...

I cant tell you what  to do  ,
i just think its a bit silly...

[Edge]

Thanks for responding, sad panda and Princess.
To clarify, I'm worried I'll always be trapped acting in ways that make me feel like crap (not just because I'm a guy, but also because it's the pattern I fell into and couldn't get out of after I was raped) because that's all I know how to do. I don't want to to be told what to do, but I would like advice on what I could do. It may sound silly to other people, but it is really not to me.

[Jess42]

I know you didn't want to hear this but I see nothing wrong with being yourself like you are here on the forums. You act masculine enough. Is there anyway to transfer the attitude and behavior that you have here in real life?

I have never really been in a gay relationship even though others probably have seen it different, with a guy I am a girl and with a girl I am a guy or a girl depending but definately a girl of the lipstick variety.

Just be that viking metalhead trickster and take charge.

Forget the movies Edge. That is in no way real life from any of my experiences. Besides metalheads aren't really portrayed in the movies. In the movies it is usually overly sensitive guys and I have never met or dated any guy like that. My type of guy is tell me how it is and take charge. It seems you do OK here. Hell Hon looking through the crush thread you have more than enough girls with crushes on you here from that bada$$ attitude. So you prolly got your share of male fans too. Just try to keep the attitude that you got here in real like and I think you'll be OK.

BTW we can get out of those traps. Hell, you are The One and Only Edge on susan's let that flow over into real life.

[Edge]

Thanks Jess. That's really encouraging.
For the most part, I act about the same in real life. This problem is specifically for romantic relationships though.
How do guys hug each other?

[sad panda]

Thanks fore responding, sad panda and Princess.
To clarify, I'm worried I'll always be trapped acting in ways that make me feel like crap (not just because I'm a guy, but also because it's the pattern I fell into and couldn't get out of after I was raped) because that's all I know how to do. I don't want to to be told what to do, but I would like advice on what I could do. It may sound silly to other people, but it is really not to me.

Yeah, I mean I had that problem too, or some version of it... just basically ended up being service-oriented, kind of a slave mentality, because it was all I knew. What helped me most was pushing past fears of being rejected and just blurting out how I felt about certain things. Sometimes it was, frankly, terrifying, and I would dissociate while saying how I felt. But thanks to that, In a way I've become a lot more of an equal over time, which allowed me to explore my real personality more.

I can't say much about specific behaviors though, afaik it's different for everyone, but I really *don't* know. Most of my experiences as a gay cis boy were like preteen/puberty age and then I was alone until college age.

[Edge]

just basically ended up being service-oriented, kind of a slave mentality, because it was all I knew.

Yeah it's basically like that which definitely not me. I've been pretty good about not doing that in the sense of holding boundaries and making things clear and stuff like that, but I still end up finding myself in situations where I instinctively act like how I used to because that was the role I played.
How do guys cuddle?

[FalseHybridPrincess]

What I do to be  more at ease  is act  how I really want to , without thinking if  its masculine or feminine...

I dont know how guys cuddle
but if you want to cuddle then do it and you ll  find out

[Edge]

I don't know how I want to. I just know that I don't like the ways I know how and want to learn what other options there are.

[Jess42]

Thanks Jess. That's really encouraging.
For the most part, I act about the same in real life. This problem is specifically for romantic relationships though.
How do guys hug each other?

That's what I'm here for Edge. Encouragement. If I can help one person I get my Victoria's Secret wings and become a supermodel. Nah, I think I would rather have there leathery batwings and wear the sexy leather lingere' and be the badgirl.

Romantic relationships? I am not gonna say how experienced I am but I do know a thing or two. Let it come natural. If it is meant to be it will be. How long? There is no way to tell. Just enjoy the moment. Live for the NOW and all the other cliche's.

How do guys hug? Generally in normal situations and no romantic feelings involved, in one word, roughly. Usually one armed and a slap on the back that may actually take your breath away and quick. If in a relationship it would be a little more tender and loving it just depends upon the situation. Like I said, with guys, cis or trans, I am the girl and I really like to be embraced tenderly but at the same time strongly. Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense. But a loving type strong embrace feels real nice but I still gotta breathe though.

Seriously though Edge, don't overthink things. Let things come naturally, again I know what you said but I will say it again and that is to be who you are 'cause you are one helluva guy and even with a bada$$, badboy attitude, anyone would be lucky to be in a relationship with you. Give yourself some credit Hon, I think you are a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for. If that makes you mad at me just be mad 'cause its the truth as I see it. And I ain't gonna' take it back either. I'm a badgirl and I will tell ya how it is no matter how much you cuss me.

[Edge]

lol Bad Batgirl.
Hmm. I like big bear hugs. Right. That works.

[Jess42]

lol Bad Batgirl.
Hmm. I like big bear hugs. Right. That works.

Oh yeah Edge. But not Batgirl, she was a goodgirl and I am definately way more sinister. The Princess of Darkness for sure and way more evil than Catwoman. I do way more than scratch and purr. But I gotta go until tomorrow. Practice, practice and freakin' more practice since everyone else that has "real" jobs gotta work and are now getting off.

But seriously just be yourself. Anyone would be lucky to be with you and that is the attitude you need to have no matter what. You are worth it so put that in our head and believe it 'cause I said so and I am always right. Or at least the voices in my head say so.

[chance]

I agree about forgetting the movies. It doesn't work like that in real life. I know you don't want to hear this but I got past all of that by feeling better about myself the more I accepted myself for who I am. It was trial and error. As you try new behaviors some people will be put off and might even get angry. If I didn't get the result I was looking for I learned that that was not the thing to do in that situation. Like sad panda said, the way through is to push past your fears of what the reaction may be and express what it is you want.

[Edge]

None of you have a clue what I'm saying and it is really frustrating.
I figured it out though.

[Bearr]

I guess you could get some cheesy Dr.Phil relationship books to help out 

But...In all seriousness... I don't think any of us can truly tell you how to act more romantically towards your partner. My advice would be to just let things happen. From what I have experienced either your more submissive or dominate.  The dominate of course would take more 'in charge ' roles. You could always try starting out small with little things such as flowers and see if that helps. If you are on the other side of the equation try expressing your feelings towards him with words- such as how you appreciate him, give massages etc. Mentally...You can't change who you are. Movies, TV shows...All crap that puts overly high standards on men in relationships. You just got to find your soft spot, and it could take a while. 

[Edge]

Not much of a words guy. Apparently, when I relax and do what I want, I'm pretty dominant.

[Bearr]

Not much of a words guy. Apparently, when I relax and do what I want, I'm pretty dominant.

I understand that. Definitely a dominate trait.I, too, possess more of a dominate side and never been one for words. I can't exactly figure out how to get my feelings out...so I tend to use more actions than words. I.e - caressing the others arm, running my hand through their hair. Or just small gifts to let them know I was thinking of them. When I went through sexual abuse I had to forgive, that's what truly held me back from being myself. I was trapped and couldn't properly show affection not only romantically but in every day life. It was a darkness that was trapped, eating my soul. No amount of therapy would help until I really looked at myself and evaluated.  I do know that when you start to feel more safe with that person, you tend to open up and become more vulnerable.  That might need to happen once more trust is earned, even if the other has never did wrong. 

[Edge]

Yeah. Right now, I'm struggling with that. After I was raped, I got really promiscuous, was used, and ended up hating myself for it except the thing is, I am a pretty physical person. Now I'm trying to be more comfortable with that and forgiving myself for that. When I feel nervous and not comfortable with myself, I act like someone I'm not and don't feel comfortable being, but when I act like myself, I like it, but I worry I'll end up hating myself for it. I hope some of that made sense because I'm not entirely sure it makes sense to me.

[sad panda]

It sounds like you could be suffering from some lingering shame? What do you think?