Sounds familiar
- Never really wanted to be a boy, that was my only option. Hoping / Wishing / Praying to 'wake up as a girl' never worked
- Did all the usual 'Guy' stuff from childhood on. Though not the crazy, over the top, hyper stuff. Except perhaps building and racing muscle cars. Something that obeyed rules and I can control
- Tried to be 'normal'. Never really obsesed or had the classic 'dysphoria'. Sure, always still wished I was a woman but sure is not in the cards this lifetime. Never had a major issue with the dangly bits. Afterall, we could have some great times together.
- Always, as in always, crossdressed. Ranged from daily to monthly to barely ever. NEVER purged, I knew better than that.
- Did try some experiments at transitioning in my 20's. After university and after marriage #1 exploded. (3 guesses why
)
- A good 30 years of trying to be normal resulted in needing to build ever thicker walls and living up some some caricature of a guy. I slowly turned into a machine. Lifeless and soulless, devoid of emotions. Devoid of joy, happiness. Devoid of any hopes, wishes and dreams of my own. I Survive. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Six years ago after yet another major life disaster I realized that pretty much all of them had a root cause of how I was handling being trans. I had no doubt whatsoever I was 'just a cross-dresser'. Nor was I anywhere near the end of the spectrum to qualify me as a 'True transsexual'. I sure did not fit that, especially after 50 years of what would be called a very successful male life.
During the past 6 years now, (an anniversary date coming up in a few days) I learned and discovered a LOT about myself. Most importantly I found joy, happiness. I have come to FINALLY feel better about being me. I am happy being my own somewhat modified skin. I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.
Yet, I mainly present male. Two big reasons why, a wife I love more than life itself and my career. Financially I cannot take chances, right now. Besides, my job is ore like being paid to have fun. Being a hero engineer and sometimes salesperson is a major part of my self image. Loosing that loosing a major emotional aspect, one I became well acquainted with 6 1/2 years ago, would be devestating.
For years during my questioning and even 'WTF am I doing periods my TG group, therapist, even wife have reminded me that what I am doing is obviously right for me, NOW. You are happy, things are working for you. Stop worrying about a future you cannot predict, much less control. No one made you God. TBH, though I would love to go full-time and have a good basis to believe I can have some success at it, I wonder even more today if it is right for me.
Coming to accept myself for who I am, being able to feel I deserve the gifts I have in my life, or simply put being happy about being me, I cannot help but to question if I need to change things even more for an unknown benefit and possibly great costs.
That is the purely logical, analytical side of my brain. The other simply says I know where my true joy lies.
