Does my story end here?

[galaxy]

Hello,

its very difficult to describe my feelings in english ... I'm at a point thats makes me very powerless and hopeless. As a few of you know i'm now 17 month on hormones, i'm 37 years old. The HRT doesnt work and my age prevent any results and feminization, there's no progress, no tendencies of become a female body. Its maybe slim, but definitly not female. Ive a apple-like fat distribution. My face doesnt look like a male anymore - but i'm ugly. Thats so unfair ... with 36 i'm ungly! Since a taking hormones i dont look healthy anymore. I lost a lot of fullness in the face - it makes me look unhealty. My hair, thin and with its male pattern is a desaster, my body - ive no breast, nothing ... My whole transition is a only desaster.

Ive no power anymore. Its completely hopeless and makes no sense. I'm to old to have any good results and even surgery will not rescue that transition. Its failed and my plans to be a ordinary woman will also fail. When im looking on other timeslines i always must cry and feel that pain in my heart - i fell every day that pain in my heart. I had 2014 more tears than in my whole life before - its so difficult and i feel that i going down another step everyday. 3 weeks ago i had a suicide attempt. The police was looking after me ... i could prevent a bad ending ... i think every day of going out of that life. Its not worth to life - whatfor??? To be a exotic somewhat ... a ugly woman, the people laugh about??

Words will not heal my pain. I had so much words in the last 2 years ...
I need results, i need changes ... HRT is war, no redemption.

With tears ...
Galaxy

[stephaniec]

sorry your in this situation I don't know what to say except try talking to a medical professional to discuss what"s going on.

[kelly_aus]

Galaxy,

You could be telling my story.. Seriously. Except for one thing. Failure was not a word in my vocabulary. No, I've not had the physical results from hormones I expected. But you know what? I went and did the whole social transition thing any way - and it's worked out OK for me. Despite my masculine appearance, I'm a woman, I live as a woman.. I'm accepted as a woman.

I could have hidden away and stayed miserable, it would have been all too easy. Instead, I got on with the life I wanted and knew I deserved. I'm so glad I did. I've gotten to do all sorts of things I never thought I'd do.. Be a bridesmaid.. Be Mother of the Bride. Be an adopted mum and grandma.. Hell, I even found someone who loved me for who I was. I've also made a bunch of friends who see me as just another one of the girls.

Looks are handy.. But they aren't everything. Owning your identity and being confident in it goes a long way. As does simply being a woman, despite appearances.. What I mean by that is that I walk, talk and move like a woman.

I guess what I'm saying is that you can either decide to declare it a failed disaster or you can adapt and overcome and try to find some happiness in life.

[galaxy]

Thanks for your answer ...

You, know - 20 years i had a escape from real life - into sports, computers, music - 24h a day i had to do with my hobbies, my sports ... it worked very well for more than 20 years. On the other side i always wanted beeing a "human", beeing ordinary, with a family, a friend on my side. I never had theses things ... now with my transition i decide to become a human. A person that lives, not works. But i dont get a step into that life. I never will have a real family, my boyfriend is living 600km far way from me and i dont want waste my time with computers and sports again. Its okay to have hobbies, but these things shouldnt fill your whole life. Now i feel emptiness without my "escape-things".

There are only me and my body now. I love to care that body, i'm looking to keep it healthy, doing excercises ... but theres no feedback, no change. Ive a really intensive realtionship to my body. I cant it explain it. It hurts to see that he doesnt want to cooperate. Yes, and it matters to me a lot. The transition was the biggest thing ive startet in my life and i want a little success. I dont want that loser ive always been. My transition was planed to get a little richer in my mind and for myself, not to accept some things like i had an accident ... "you have to accept that you have only one leg from now" ... no, i dont accept it.

I dont startet these things here to live a life thats not better than my old, with all these compromises. It cant be the goal! That goal must be to live, in freedom, with self-acceptance, with the chance to love myself and my body - the chance to be a little feminine. But anybody has to give me that chance!

[kelly_aus]

Thanks for your answer ...

You, know - 20 years i had a escape from real life - into sports, computers, music - 24h a day i had to do with my hobbies, my sports ... it worked very well for more than 20 years. On the other side i always wanted beeing a "human", beeing ordinary, with a family, a friend on my side. I never had theses things ... now with my transition i decide to become a human. A person that lives, not works. But i dont get a step into that life. I never will have a real family, my boyfriend is living 600km far way from me and i dont want waste my time with computers and sports again. Its okay to have hobbies, but these things shouldnt fill your whole life. Now i feel emptiness without my "escape-things".

The 'feeling human' thing I understand.. But I didn't understand it until I did finally start feeling human.. Music, computers, drugs and booze were how I hid..

There are only me and my body now. I love to care that body, i'm looking to keep it healthy, doing excercises ... but theres no feedback, no change. Ive a really intensive realtionship to my body. I cant it explain it. It hurts to see that he doesnt want to cooperate. Yes, and it matters to me a lot. The transition was the biggest thing ive startet in my life and i want a little success. I dont want that loser ive always been. My transition was planed to get a little richer in my mind and for myself, not to accept some things like i had an accident ... "you have to accept that you have only one leg from now" ... no, i dont accept it.

I dont startet these things here to live a life thats not better than my old, with all these compromises. It cant be the goal! That goal must be to live, in freedom, with self-acceptance, with the chance to love myself and my body - the chance to be a little feminine. But anybody has to give me that chance!

I didn't start out with the aim of compromising, it was kinda forced on me. But I've made the best of the situation.. It's not quite what I had planned, but close enough for me to declare it a success. I live as me.. I have self-acceptance and I've learnt to love myself.

[luna nyan]

Hi Galaxy,

I'm sorry to hear of your frustration, feeling unable to move forward from where you are right now.

Kelly's post is insightful, there is little I can add to that.

Talk to your treating professionals as well, yes, even surgery has limitations, but if you really feel that poorly, some progress from that may prove sufficient if you have modest aims.

[galaxy]

So many MtF looks amazing, here and on other places - have great changes ... why i dont do?
I'm always was a helpfull person, unselfish, fair im my life ... why it is so unfair now?

I dont want to have more than others - i only want to have same results. I also want to join the picture threads, talk about my experiences with the hormones ... nothing more. Im transgender, but not part of that community - ive nothing to tell. Its so hard 

[luna nyan]

Galaxy, things like this, sadly can be luck of the draw.  You are not the only one here who has had poor response to HRT, and the distress that you and others go through is upsetting.

And don't count yourself out of the community.  I'm on HRT, not transitioning, but I have my story and experiences to tell - and I believe that what little I have to say has value if not to others, then at least to myself.

Your story is no different - it is a different sound in the cacophony of life, and it has value.  Please don't sell yourself short.

Personally, I take photo threads with a grain of salt - only a few out of many post there, and I assume it is the exceptional who do. 

[galaxy]

Sure, you have right ... but i cant believe in this "higher toughts"
Yes, its praiseble to have a life after principles and these higher thoughts ... but i am human only and humans have envy, want to be part of someone, what to tell from good and nice things, from success, from luck - they dont want to talk about problems and things that dont work, about things the lost you all your power.

Humans need both: good parts and bad in life and you cant make a bad part to a good via talking. Its not the goal to sugarcoat all that. Good things must be happen in order to become a lucky person. And i mean really lucky things - no things that i could turn into "good". I mean this moments that makes your smile with your heart, not with your brain.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Im  sorry this happened,,,

people need to realise though, hrt is not magic ...
switching from  male to  female is sooooo difficult only people like me and you who are trying to do it can understand

Hormones are often not enough and often not doing anything at all,
exactly because the poison , or testosterone if you wanna call it like that has indeed damaged us  so much

Hell Im  19  years  old 7 months on hormones and I dont pass
all the stories of "yeah you re young you ll be an amazing girl" were  cool ok , but lets face reality here
if I want to pass  i wont only  need more  time with hormones but surgeries too and even if I pass 100% one day I ll always  be a masculine girl

we decided to follow the path  of truth
and thats the most diffcult thing one can  do
Male and female are  the parts of the most absolute division in this world
whoever thought that going from male to female was easy will eventually face the consequences
just like I did

[luna nyan]

Galaxy,

If you thought that I was sugar coating your situation, then I'm sorry for making you think so - I had no intention of belittling your situation.  My thought were more along the line that regardless, you are part of the community here.

[galaxy]

Luna, no, no - sorry, you missunderstood me.
I mean my situation. I cant believe that the goal is to be sugar coating everything. This wont work for me.
I need "real" success, no sugar coated success ... its a differences in my eyes.

Galaxy

[Miyuki]

Galaxy, can I ask you an honest question? How do you define "success"? I ask, because different people sometimes have different goals they want to achieve by transitioning, or at least things that they consider more important than other things. So what is it that you really consider most important for you to achieve by transitioning?

[Lyric]

Galaxy, I know HRT often seems to increase mood highs and lows (or, maybe, lows anyway) and anytime one undergoes big changes in their life depression can be a side effect. Please realize that this is always temporary, though, even if it takes a couple of years to adjust. Plenty of us her at Susan's have gone through the feelings you're having now and come through it OK.

You seem to have a lot of your self esteem tied to to your appearance. There's no doubt that being pretty has it's advantages for people (though there are disadvantages as well). But not everyone-- not even most people-- are great looking, but they don't feel they have to end it all because of it. For that matter, most everyone looses their youthful good looks by a certain age, but you don't see all the old people knocking themselves off because of it.

Personally, I tend to think of looks as basically being for the other people people around me, not for me. I spend maybe 10-15 minutes a day looking at myself (tops). I try to look OK, but I don't think those guys deserve a supermodel, anyway.

Also, I can definitely say that while we can't all be knockouts, we can all make ourselves look like the best version of ourselves. You can probably look much better than you think. I would suggest talking to a friend or even a department store beauty consultant for awhile about how to make yourself up and dress for your best look. I've no doubt you could look good enough to surprise yourself. But try to realize that you are much more than an image in the mirror. Hang in there.

~ Lyric ~

[Heather]

There are only me and my body now. I love to care that body, i'm looking to keep it healthy, doing excercises ... but theres no feedback, no change. Ive a really intensive realtionship to my body. I cant it explain it. It hurts to see that he doesnt want to cooperate.

I know it may sound crazy but have you thought about toning it back a bit? Estrogen changes the way fat is distributed. If you don't have the fat to redistribute then you won't see any changes.

[stephaniec]

I know it may sound crazy but have you thought about toning it back a bit? Estrogen changes the way fat is distributed. If you don't have the fat to redistribute then you won't see any changes.

makes sense

[galaxy]

Galaxy, can I ask you an honest question? How do you define "success"?

In case of my transition means success to reach my goals. I always was a really realistic person - before my transition i studied a lot of material, timeslines - medical infos about hormone effects, a.s.o. - on these basics i "formed" my personal wishes. I guess its nothing unusal to making plans. I had a more feminine face for a "man", was only 1,72m - i never was really masculine, but sure - there where a little work for the hormones. But i was very sure that a little bit would happen, a little breast may with a nice A-cup, a little fat on the hips, some more fullness for the face, better growing hair ... i'm a really modest person. Now, 2 years into my transition, 17 month hormones - this handfull of wishes was probably to much. Dont know why.

Lyric
I know what you want to say. But a transition will not work without any feminization for me. That was my primary goal to make my transition. My soul is feminine and dont need a update - but as a woman i suffer from my body, because its a male. Transitions means to me to harmonize the body into a female direction. I can live with a 50% results, i'm realistic as i said - i cant live with a 0% result. I mean, women wants to be beautiful. Million of dollars where spend by women every year only for beauty. Makeup, clothing, shoes, surguries ... i think its a natural thing that women to seek for some beauty. Thats what i call quality in living. Beauty is not the whole part of beeing a woman, but for me its an important part - important to feel good, to feel as a female.

If some women thinks its not nessecary to care about these things - okay, its a free country. Everybody can do what he wants. But a lot of woman appreciate some beauty and a good looking body. The difference here is that Cis-women in most cases can aware choose to be beautiful or not. Transwomen like me, with bad results have no options. If youre ugly and masculine, no hair artist or makeup professional, no clothes will make you pretty.

I know it may sound crazy but have you thought about toning it back a bit? Estrogen changes the way fat is distributed. If you don't have the fat to redistribute then you won't see any changes.

As i said in another post, i got 4kg more weight during my HRT. Thats means 4kg fat to distribute into the right places. My problem is now these fat was placed into my belly and waist only and now it looks, even with BMI 21.5, somehow "fat". Its not really fat but ive a tummy and that is really unattractive. My plans of increasing some weight failed 4-5 times. It doesnt work. Really frustrating!

[Wednesday]

Just some ideas:

- Already exercising lower body on a regular basis at a high level? Cardio training? Also drinking enough water and eating healthy? I know this things sound cliche but they can help a lot. The more you age, the more you need, keep that in mind.

- Got good or high E levels? Low or very low T? I often met girls who experience poor effects from HRT and they usually follow an inadequate therapy (bad estrogen forms, post-menopausic hormone levels, etc etc). As someone suggested before, go talk to a good medical professional who would care about you and your results. At least here, there are plenty of endocrinologists who just prescribe the very same medicines/dosages to everybody and don't mind their results at all.

- Taking P? There's a lot of controversy but worked well for me and for many other girls I know. You could talk to your specialist about this option too.

- Got a correct BMI? It depends on lots of factors, but some people benefits from a low BMI (18ish, 19ish). This happens *a lot* between GG women. If you ask me, less is more.

- Dermal fillers can work wonders for mild face fullness issues, specially for sunken cheeks and sunken eyes. Also cheek medpor implants are an interesting option. Keeping your skin conditioned, moisturized, and using good cosmethics will help too.

- Also ffs, liposculture and silicone implants usually bring amazing results.

I'm always speaking from my experiencie, not making up bs.

In my case proper fat distribution took a bit more than a couple of years. While muscle mass loss was fast, fat distribution was desperatingly slow. Maybe this is gonna sound rude but 17 months is way too soon to surrender, seriously. As some poster noted before HRT is not magic, but willpower almost is. Maybe it is gonna take some time (maybe a lot), some effort and some pain, but I'm convinced it is doable.

I completely understand you when you say you hate all this "sugar-coating" thing. In fact, I do hate it too. What works for me is taking a little break, going out and refreshing myself. Then I ask to myself: "Am I doing *all* I can?", "Can I do more?", "Can I push a little harder?", "Is there people with worse conditions/circumstances than me who got a better outcome than mine?". When I don't get the expected results is usually because I'm not doing enough, then I just push harder, simple as that.

Honestly, if you got the ba*** and the strenght to come out and face your disphoria, I think you are capable enough to find a solution and get your results.

[Miyuki]

I think you should seriously listen to Wednesday's advice. When I decided to start HRT, I knew going in that there was a pretty good chance that HRT alone would not be enough. But there are so many things out there you can do now to get results beyond what HRT can achieve. Yes, a lot of them are very expensive, and you may even have to commit yourself to basically living in poverty for years to afford them (I'm there already ). But this is the rest of your life we're talking about. If this is what you need to make your life worth living, you need to find a way to make it happen, no matter how long or how much money it takes. At least, that is my attitude. And trust me, attitude goes a long way, because the more you allow yourself to feel powerless and out of control, the more it becomes true. You just need to figure out what you need to do to change the things you can't accept, and accept the things you can't change, and then do it. If you spend all your time just feeling sorry for yourself, eventually it will consume you, and you'll end up living a life of nothing but regrets.

[JohannaJohn]

Galaxy, very sorry to hear you are feeling low.  37 is definitely young enough to get a least SOME results.  DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS!

People in this forum are on your side.

I am 56.  I and 3 and a half weeks in, on micronized progesterone and estradiol valerate, no anti-androgens.  I am NOT an MD, so ask youR doctor, or get a new doctor, and I understand that the "P" is considered for some reason a little controversial, but I am glad to be taking the closest "pure" forms of the hormones.  Micronized progesterone, as I understand it, is hard to get prescribed/get hold of in some locations.  In the Latin country I live in, this is no problem I have access to high-quality micronized progesterone available in any corner pharmacy from a major pharmaceutical manufacturer.  What I do is put it under my tongue for 90% of it to avoid having to have it go through my digestive system and risk my liver.  But follow what your doctor says, or, if you don't like it, get a doctor who gives more correct advice.  Certainly it is far from an exact science, and everyone reacts differently.  I cannot post the doseages I am on, because that is against the rules here.  In the Latin country I am in, the micronized progesterone comes in ONE standard pharmaceutical pill dose, so it is highly convenient for me...very easy, one pill each night,under my tongue.  I don't know how it works in the country YOU are in, but check with a doctor who has some knowledge about it.  Not all MD's know much about it.  Find one who does!

Galaxy, I have a very busy work schedule, but I am taking some TIME during this work day to comment on your post.

I feel you are hurting BADLY and need a lot of encouragment.  I and others here will help you.

3 and a half weeks in, my nipples are constantly at attention, they have DEFINITELY grown.  So much so, that so far I don't want to shave off my chest haris because at this point it would be a bit embarrassing for me at the pool since I haven't fully "come out" yet.

My body odor has ALREADY changed!!!  In the hot Latin climate where I live, sweating odors have been a constant problem for me for years of living here, and deodorant doesn't help much...taking 5 or 6 showers a day is the only solution...up to now.

But now, my body smell is much "softer" and the odor is much more pleasant, even when I sweat.  I am ASTOUNDED that this has happened so fast.  I didn't expect body odor changes to come for several months, at the very least.

I am calm, and tranquil, and feel right, and I feel like I understand how genetic girls FEEL much much much better now...firsthand!

I think my breast are rounder, a little.  It is hard to tell if they have actually grown.  BUT there is ALREADY a small mound starting to form between my always-erect nipples and my areolas.  I hope this mound continues to get bigger, soon...we will see!

Just sharing some of MY results, 3 and a half weeks in.

Maybe if you PM me, I could give you a few more details, but I have to stay within the rules of this site.

HANG IN THERE!  Life is worth living!  You CAN reach your dreams!