Recently I have discovered that I actually have a tumour on my lower back! Hurray! Not. My doctor said it was "nothing serious, easily removed." When I saw him, I have no idea why I didn't post this like the second I found out (probably cause I got distracted) and now I'm really worried because cancer runs in my family, and I have had cancer scares before (none turned out to actually be cancer yet) I actually cried and broke down and text my sister (my transphobic sister, don't ask I was scared!) here's a copy of the text
Sissy, I need you, I know you don't truly hate me, you're confused and conflicted, I'm really scared and I could really use someone to talk to right now. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to speak to you much longer, I'm scared, I really need my sissy, please come, please help me, I don't want to die, I love you. If I die, know I love you, please. Remember that time you fell of your bike in the fifth grade and I ran over to you and helped carry you to mommy and daddy? Well now I need you to carry me, just, come please? It might be the last time you see me, please, I just want someone to comfort me, I'm really scared sissy. I love you.
Please note, I've calmed down and though I realize death is a very real outcome in my current situation (as it has been in the past) I am not in full anxiety mode anymore, and half that text spawned from my Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I really don't know why my automatic assumption was I'm gonna die, it's really creepy. But yeah, this really sets me back in my transition (if I live) because I'm not allowed to take my hormones a week before and after removal of the tumour.
Well, I love all of you, you've all helped me a lot, and, I'm crying now, and my sister still hasn't come to comfort me, and why does everything bad happen to me?
I love you all.
