I don't know what to do

[Jace]

I came out to my older sister recently and last night we had a talk about what I want to do. She's offered to try to get me therapy from the gender therapist in the next town over which is a lot bigger than mine, so that's great. But she also doesn't think it is a good idea to tell our parents yet. She thinks I should live full-time before telling them and that they are going to have a really hard time accepting it, that they might never. I originally wanted to wait till I was in college for awhile anyways.

The problem is my roommate is also transgender and I'm not sure yet but my suitemates will most likely be too. I'm going by Jace to the school and they will know me as Jace. My sister suggested getting them to cover for me, but I'm just so tired of lying. I don't want anyone to know me as my birth name, I just want to be Jace to them. I've always told my parents everything and coming up with elaborate lies so they won't discover I'm trans is so tiresome. I don't know if I should tell them before I leave for college or if I should wait like my sister said. I'm hoping to start T next year too, so if I don't tell them before I leave, should I tell them before I start T or after? I just don't know.

[mrs izzy]

I would wait till you see the therapist.

Also you can be totally wrong on how they will feel.

Its everyone's fear that eats them to the darkness of depression and worst.

So therapist ASAP is what I suggest.

Isabell

[Jace]

I already go to a therapist but she isn't a gender therapist. She's been very helpful for a lot of stuff, but she can only do so much as this really isn't her field of expertise.

[mrs izzy]

She's offered to try to get me therapy from the gender therapist in the next town over which is a lot bigger than mine, so that's great.

Sorry if I was not specific, I was just going off your post.

Isabell

[devention]

I would definitely talk to the gender therapist and see what they have to say. Also, see if you can broach the trans subject with your parents in a non-you treated way. Ask if they watch Orange is the New Black, maybe? Or tell them you just found out one of the directors/writers of the Matrix trilogy transitioned to female? Just to gauge their reactions. They might surprise you. One of my friends who I've known for many years just came out as lesbian to her extremely conservative parents. We were shocked to discover that they did not, as we had all long suspected they would do, disown her. They were disappointed, and they don't think it's "right", but they were way more chill about it than anyone expected them to be.

[Jace]

There was another transguy at my school so I told them about him to gauge their reaction(I did this a while ago) and my mom kept calling him a she and was generally just confused and my dad said he needs to go to church. Neither one of them was hateful but not positive either. I'm hoping they will surprise me, they have a habit of doing that, but I'm also preparing for the worst. They're good people and they love me no matter what, I know that. I'm just afraid they will try to fix me or just be angry.

[Alexthecat]

Are they helping to pay for anything while your in college? If they could pull that funding then it is more delicate.

[Hikari]

Are they helping to pay for anything while your in college? If they could pull that funding then it is more delicate.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I think in general, if you have a strong feeling that parents are not going to be supportive if possible, it would be best to be as independent as possible before telling them. Of course, if your parents are paying for college, there are options if they want to cut you off, there may well be options for you to take on the debt of school yourself, but please be sure you have plans in place if you do tell them in case it doesn't go too well.

[CursedFireDean]

This is exactly what I was thinking. I think in general, if you have a strong feeling that parents are not going to be supportive if possible, it would be best to be as independent as possible before telling them. Of course, if your parents are paying for college, there are options if they want to cut you off, there may well be options for you to take on the debt of school yourself, but please be sure you have plans in place if you do tell them in case it doesn't go too well.

I agree here, if you think they may not be supportive, know you can pay for what they're paying before coming out.
I am going to an expensive school for college next year and the sole reason I haven't come out to my grandmother is because she's giving me a large chunk of tuition. I definitely can't cover that myself, and until I can, I'm definitely not going to take the risk of losing it. Even though I need to come out to her one day, I'd rather put my education first.

[devention]

There was another transguy at my school so I told them about him to gauge their reaction(I did this a while ago) and my mom kept calling him a she and was generally just confused and my dad said he needs to go to church. Neither one of them was hateful but not positive either. I'm hoping they will surprise me, they have a habit of doing that, but I'm also preparing for the worst. They're good people and they love me no matter what, I know that. I'm just afraid they will try to fix me or just be angry.

Unfortunately, those are both entirely possible outcomes. As several people have said, make sure you can be independent if you're worried they might pull any kind of funding from you when you come out.
The fact that they weren't hateful, and your mom seemed confused but not angry, could be an indication they won't take it as badly as you think they might, though. As people have told me when I asked about cleaning up after their children (as an example), "it's different when it's your kid". The fact that you're confident that they will always love you is another good sign that they might be, if not immediately receptive, then at least willing to learn if it means making you happy.
All that being said, it is better to plan for the worst, so I would be sure you have alternate plans in place for whatever you think they may take away (funding, housing, transportation) before you tell them anything.
It may also be helpful to phrase your coming out as "I've been having questions about my gender lately. I don't feel comfortable with my female body. I would like to speak with a gender therapist." (Not that formal, but you get the idea.) While it doesn't seem to be technically true *currently*, my mother has told me that she would've preferred to hear it that way than "btw, I'm trans, I'm a dude, please call me as such". Everybody is different, but if they don't have any idea that your journey has been happening internally, then it could soften the blow. I'd also recommend asking that gender therapist if they do group counselling, as well as if they offer services related to members of a trans person's family to help them understand the transition. Hearing a diagnosis from a psychologist/psychiatrist/licensed therapist may make them see it as more "real" than if you just say "I'm a dude on the inside, call me that plz".
You mentioned that there was another trans guy at your school as well. Since everyone seems to know, maybe you could ask him how he came out to his parents.
Good luck!

[FindingJames]

Unfortunately, those are both entirely possible outcomes. As several people have said, make sure you can be independent if you're worried they might pull any kind of funding from you when you come out.
The fact that they weren't hateful, and your mom seemed confused but not angry, could be an indication they won't take it as badly as you think they might, though. As people have told me when I asked about cleaning up after their children (as an example), "it's different when it's your kid". The fact that you're confident that they will always love you is another good sign that they might be, if not immediately receptive, then at least willing to learn if it means making you happy.

Or it could go the other way. My mother seemed slightly confused (no more so than anybody else though) but she was very supportive before I came out. She had always been supportive when both my brother and I came out as bisexual when we were a bit younger, she has gay/lesbian friends, etc. And even when she asked me if I was trans* she seemed very supportive. But once I said yes, she freaked out. She didn't yell and didn't kick me out of the house which shows that she still loves me as her child, but her support stopped. She refuses to use the right name and pronouns, "corrects" strangers who use the right pronouns, constantly tells me to grow out my hair and to shave my legs, etc. Sometimes "it's different when it's your own kid" can be negative. If my mother met another trans* person she would use the name they want and use the right pronouns because she's generally a good person. But she doesn't do that for me because she takes on the mentality of "your my kid and I knew you as (birth name) and as a girl for 15 years so I don't have to change". I would understand if she screwed up sometimes but generally made an effort, but she doesn't even try.

What I'm getting at is you should be very careful. I honestly don't believe there is any way to predict how your parents will react. I think in most cases even if they aren't supportive they won't completely disown you and kick you out because you are their child, but that doesn't mean they will treat you nicely. So I suggest doing like the others said and make sure you are stable on your own just in case. Sure they might surprise you and be totally cool with it, but I wouldn't take chances if I were you.