i miss my dad

[sad panda]

Ikr. This world is so cold to people who really feel all of their emotions. If you can't manage this unbridled optimism it's like you aren't even human anyway, except people just get tired of dealing with you. 

[Umiko]

i was up all night yelling at my father. i even cursed him. i'm heart broken i cant have children of my own but i'm also glad because i'd end up like my parents

[JulieBlair]

OK, now I'm pissed off. I appreciate and admire both of you for your courage and for your humanity.  That your families don't is unfair, uncalled for, and frankly criminal.  Still to abandon your humanity is to abandon yourself. Yeah I care about everyone, but I don't take responsibility  for your happiness.  You do, or don't, as you choose.

F*** victimization.  I had it pretty good it is true.  My boyfriend was beaten and raped as a child, but he has eschewed bitterness in favor of life.  My daughter was a stripper, married a biker, and got strung out on meth.  He's in prison for murder, she is clean, sober and raising some beautiful kids.  I've buried friends who blew their f***ing brains out, died from aids, and died from a broken heart.

Yeah I'm a sixtyone year old trans girl whose transition cost me my family, but who is loved by a beautiful man, and lives an optimistic life.  Both of you are beautiful, worthwhile, and full of the future.

Why give up on life or on love?  Sh**, I found both, so can you.  I'm here for anyone who wants their life to be full and joyful.  Authentic living is just to hard to do this solo, and without the men and women of Susan's someone would be cleaning my brains off a shower wall.  But despair need be neither fatal nor permanent.  We all get to choose to risk or to hide. 

The highest battlements we build ourselves, and we are the only ones who can choose to breach the wall.  That is the choice, sunshine or darkness.  You can choose darkness and that will be the end of it until you decide to fight to the light.  You can choose light and there are a thousand hands here to reach out to you.  Two of therm are mine.

j

[Umiko]

OK, now I'm pissed off. I appreciate and admire both of you for your courage and for your humanity.  That your families don't is unfair, uncalled for, and frankly criminal.  Still to abandon your humanity is to abandon yourself. Yeah I care about everyone, but I don't take responsibility  for your happiness.  You do, or don't, as you choose.

F*** victimization.  I had it pretty good it is true.  My boyfriend was beaten and raped as a child, but he has eschewed bitterness in favor of life.  My daughter was a stripper, married a biker, and got strung out on meth.  He's in prison for murder, she is clean, sober and raising some beautiful kids.  I've buried friends who blew their f***ing brains out, died from aids, and died from a broken heart.

Yeah I'm a sixtyone year old trans girl whose transition cost me my family, but who is loved by a beautiful man, and lives an optimistic life.  Both of you are beautiful, worthwhile, and full of the future.

Why give up on life or on love?  Sh**, I found both, so can you.  I'm here for anyone who wants their life to be full and joyful.  Authentic living is just to hard to do this solo, and without the men and women of Susan's someone would be cleaning my brains off a shower wall.  But despair need be neither fatal nor permanent.  We all get to choose to risk or to hide. 

The highest battlements we build ourselves, and we are the only ones who can choose to breach the wall.  That is the choice, sunshine or darkness.  You can choose darkness and that will be the end of it until you decide to fight to the light.  You can choose light and there are a thousand hands here to reach out to you.  Two of therm are mine.

j

i'm sry julie. i hate playing victim becuase i hate being petted. i guess i try to hold out hope that maybe one day i wouldnt feel so cold. i just want honestly, sincerity and not some sugarcoated lie just to make me feel better. 

[JulieBlair]

Brianna,

You do not ever need to apologize to me for being honest.  There is not much I wouldn't do to make you and the other abused kids I know here whole.  Do you get the agape thing.  It is possible to love without expectation.  I don't give a rats ass about sugar coated pablum.  The truth is you deserve better than you've gotten.  You feel cold, because to trust is to be available to pain that you just might not make it back from.

It is up to you.  I care, take a risk, be a friend.  Most of all, do whatever it takes to feel.  My ex accused me of being an automaton and incapable of making connections.  Probably some truth there.  I spent almost all my life despising myself and unable to look at that dude who held me prisoner.  You have a chance with youth and courage on your side.  If I can lend some strength good,  if not I'll try to anyway.

If you want to talk send me a note, and you can have my phone number.  I've been doing AA, NA and a bunch of other acronyms 20/7 for decades.  If not, no harm, no foul.  I'm not a therapist, and have no illusions about being able to change anything.  I only share experience, strength, and most of all hope.  (I also go hiking, mountaineering, running, baking bread in a brick oven, and make an amazing pizza.)

S*** girl you have the com, you can make the choice about how you choose to live.

j

[Umiko]

Brianna,

You do not ever need to apologize to me for being honest.  There is not much I wouldn't do to make you and the other abused kids I know here whole.  Do you get the agape thing.  It is possible to love without expectation.  I don't give a rats ass about sugar coated pablum.  The truth is you deserve better than you've gotten.  You feel cold, because to trust is to be available to pain that you just might not make it back from.

It is up to you.  I care, take a risk, be a friend.  Most of all, do whatever it takes to feel.  My ex accused me of being an automaton and incapable of making connections.  Probably some truth there.  I spent almost all my life despising myself and unable to look at that dude who held me prisoner.  You have a chance with youth and courage on your side.  If I can lend some strength good,  if not I'll try to anyway.

If you want to talk send me a note, and you can have my phone number.  I've been doing AA, NA and a bunch of other acronyms 20/7 for decades.  If not, no harm, no foul.  I'm not a therapist, and have no illusions about being able to change anything.  I only share experience, strength, and most of all hope.  (I also go hiking, mountaineering, running, baking bread in a brick oven, and make an amazing pizza.)

S*** girl you have the com, you can make the choice about how you choose to live.

j

your better than a therapist so no qualms on that. i try to be positive, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. this is one fear my therapist and my psychiatrist have about me going on hormones, my attitude towards life may not change at all. ugh! why cant i go back in time and just start from the begininning

[JulieBlair]

You can!

Twenty-five years ago I was dying from alcoholism (Yeah Lisa came by addiction honestly)  Sobering up restarted the clock. Two and a half years ago I was thinking about how to kill myself, not if.  Dysphoria by that time ruled every part of my soul.  I began to seek to become authentic, and the clock was reset again.

Big change; Hard change, gives us the chance to be reinvented.  That reinvention provides the way to clear away the past and transcend it.  I think that is what your therapist is hoping for, and that is what you endocrinologist needs to be comfortable with.  For me estrogen changed my world.  Not by itself, but by the commitment to the scary and seemingly impossible task of becoming Julie.  I'm getting really close. 

It has taken what it took, but I love who I have become, I've even made peace with that poor dude who controlled me for almost six decades.  He did his best, but it is my time now, and I will not squander it.

Is this your time? Are you willing to let go of the sh** and become the you that is there.  I can see her, she is thoughtful, she is valuable.  Takes a lot of guts to become new.  Do you think you have that mojo?

j

[Umiko]

You can!

Twenty-five years ago I was dying from alcoholism (Yeah Lisa came by addiction honestly)  Sobering up restarted the clock. Two and a half years ago I was thinking about how to kill myself, not if.  Dysphoria by that time ruled every part of my soul.  I began to seek to become authentic, and the clock was reset again.

Big change; Hard change, gives us the chance to be reinvented.  That reinvention provides the way to clear away the past and transcend it.  I think that is what your therapist is hoping for, and that is what you endocrinologist needs to be comfortable with.  For me estrogen changed my world.  Not by itself, but by the commitment to the scary and seemingly impossible task of becoming Julie.  I'm getting really close. 

It has taken what it took, but I love who I have become, I've even made peace with that poor dude who controlled me for almost six decades.  He did his best, but it is my time now, and I will not squander it.

Is this your time? Are you willing to let go of the sh** and become the you that is there.  I can see her, she is thoughtful, she is valuable.  Takes a lot of guts to become new.  Do you think you have that mojo?

j

ugh! realizing not having my father has caused me hell, added with the abuse just makes me almost irreparable. i realize i need therapy but the type of therapy i need is to far out of my reach thus it concerns my psychiatrist and my therapist, so i wont know how i feel until after friday

[JulieBlair]

Well for what its worth, I believe, and I'll be here.
j