Smile, b!t¢h

[Joanna Dark]

So, here's an article that rings true to me: street harassment. I'm sure this happens to trans peeps a lot,m well not sure, and usually in the bad "look at the ->-bleeped-<-!" way. That certainly can take you from 60 to 0 mph in seconds flat. But, a lower level street harrasment comes when you pass and if you're lucky really pass and are anything close to pretty. You're told by random men to "smile." The last time this happened to me was in May, May 7 to be exact. I know the date cause my BF and I went to NYC the next day, wehre no one told me to smile. When I'm with him, street harassment disappears. But I look mad a lot even when I'm not and I was walking fast and the guy started walking next to me and was like "A girl is pretty as you should be smiling." Which made me angry. Even when I wasn't before.

Now, if it was the first time it happened i'd prolly be on cloud nine from the validation. But there is a point in transtion where this low-level street harassment really annoys you. I simply don't know how to deal with it, and I don't think many women do. If I don't fight off the advance, it can get out of hand. I've had a man follow me on the El, get off and continue the harassment. he had already grabbed my ass and tell me how sexy I am and blah, blah, blah. I've had unwanted kisses and it's just not right. But was it my fault cause I didn't squelch it right then and there?

However, this is one of the many things many trans women will have to eventually get used to when they start passing. Yesterday, a poster asked if their pending or possible transition was fetish-based. Well, this is something to think about. Being told to smile. It's one of the many ways men exert power and control over women. It never happens to men unless they know the person. Random women (or men generally) do not do this to men. Ever. It's one of the more unpleasant aspects of transition after it happens over and over. I could stop it (and have kinda) by not wearing makeup and not dressing the way I want. But there again I'm letting these men win because I have stopped dressing and presenting the way I want because I'm tried of the harassment.  Sometimes it is just cute if the guy is generally nice.

But here's the article (the comments section says a lot)....http://www.salon.com/2013/09/13/smile_baby_the_words_no_woman_wants_to_hear/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

So what do y'all think. Is this something that is exaggerated and moreover and more specifically, do these unpleasent aspects of womanhood (lower status) make you stop and think maybe this isn't for me. Because being a woman is being on a lower totem pole. Unless you subscribe to BS Men's Rights Activists' viewpoints. 

[sad panda]

Tbh I'm not around many men, but actually I find that when I am it's mostly older men who say stuff if anyone. There's just that one type of old man, y'know? Younger men seem intimidated by me. Like they're usually visibly nervous or at least try to look like they're ignoring me, and if they are willing to talk to me it's usually kind of in a "hah, you're a woman, I can roll with that, I'm going to be suave and also reallllllly sensitive about what I say around you, never know when you'll say the wrong thing to a woman." I don't really know why... but then I look a lot more normal than I am. I hate when men try to act like they're ignoring me, it makes em feel like they hate me.

I could see how this could happen if you're more adventurous though. I live such a boring life, everywhere I go is shopping or for some service or something lately. Or like, the movies.

Mostly people who tell me to smile are actually older women I know well XD I hate my smile though.

[Miharu Barbie]

Well, this might sound odd, but I ALWAYS smile.  Especially when I encounter another person; I automatically smile at everyone I meet.  I just do.

I have a feeling that this kind of tension between random strangers on the street might, at least in part, be geographical.  Living in Portland, Oregon, I have almost never had a street encounter with a random man that could not easily be managed with a smile, a "Thank you", and an "I gotta go".

It might just be that I'm a incorrigible flirt (I am), but I have a tendency in my life to treat everyone I encounter, however briefly, as if they matter.  It isn't at all unusual for some random man to speak to me on the street or in some public place, and for me to stop for a moment and have a brief conversation, a laugh, a human moment with him.  I find that, strange though it may sound, sometimes when strangers say something as random as, "You should smile", what they really mean to say is, "I'm lonely; won't you take a moment to acknowledge me and remind me of my humanity?"

In my own experience, I find that people respond well to me when I respond well to them.  And when some random guy speaks to me, on the street or in a pool hall, in almost every case, taking just a minute or 2 to have a human to human interaction is enough to satisfy what it is in him that inspired him to reach out to me.

I'm sorry... just an alternative perspective on the subject.

[Hideyoshi]

While the ass grabbing is unacceptable,  something as benign as "smile more, you're very pretty" is not 'males exerting their power over women'. Christ. I find the current wave of feminism highly distasteful and it wouldn't surprise me if it chased acceptance away due to how utterly off-putting it can be.

Same with the offended-by-everything tumblrites who thrash around every time someone says something about sexual dimorphism, gender binary,  etc.

Guys flirting with you comes with the territory as a woman, especially if you're lucky enough to be attractive. You signed up for it, no turning back now.

[Ms Grace]

I did actually have a woman tell me I should smile years ago when I was presenting as male, she was some random old lady passing by me on the train. It was rather startling, all I could think was "screw you, I'll look as glum as I want"!

[Adam (birkin)]

Yeah, this doesn't happen to me anymore. It didn't happen often when I was seen as female but I can think of a few occasions.

[JulieBlair]

When you're as old as me, the only people who tell you to smile, want to sell you dental procedures.    But then I'm usually grinning these days.  God it is good to be me every day all day.     

j

[big kim]

Start the day with a smile,get it over with

[Carrie Liz]

Well, while my experience with street-harassment hasn't been as bad as yours, I have indeed had guys asking me to smile for them, randomly stalking me for a block or so, and saying "hey" to me in a creepy way. And it almost always happens while I'm walking through lower-income sections of a city. There was this one group of guys who seriously wouldn't leave me alone while I was visiting Washington DC last month, and it was only when my mom finally walked with me that they stopped.

In my case I'm still not sure whether it's because they actually find me attractive or whether it's because they're clocking me as trans, I've been getting really mixed signals there, but yeah... as my ex Jenny said, "welcome to the world of women."

I guess what makes it scary for me is just knowing that I have almost no upper-body strength and no self-defense skills whatsoever, so if I ran into the wrong person, I'd be up s*** creek without a paddle. It's not easy feeling subordinate in terms of strength and social status. I do get afraid every time I'm walking somewhere alone.

But on the other hand, there's also the trade-off where people don't automatically perceive me as a threat anymore. That is like the #1 thing that I hated pre-transition socially, was that people, women especially, seemed scared of me for absolutely no reason. They were always quick to get defensive, unpersonable, almost as if they were automatically scared of me and emotionally closed-off just because I was male. Where now, people automatically treat me nicely, automatically perceive me as being friendly and personable.

So it's a trade-off. Being female is, by its nature, being more open and vulnerable. People just assume they can do anything to you. And while it's definitely a bit of a curse because this means that people don't respect you, and guys think they automatically own you and can say whatever they want, it's also nice to have people be more willing to be emotionally open back. And while the former definitely sucks, the later still makes it worth it for me. Every time a cashier gives me that warm welcoming smile, and doesn't immediately get defensive when I ask them a question, actually talks to me instead of just assuming that I just want to check out and be done with it, it reminds me that it's worth it.

[Megan Joanne]

I used to hate smiling, didn't feel I should unless I had a reason (there always had to be a reason for everything with me), plus it took too much energy. I always had everyone, man or woman constantly telling me to "Smile". It got on my nerves, and just pissed me off when I was fine before that, I simply wasn't smiling. Sometimes those that were really persistent, always guys, they'd keep bugging me about it smiling at me and of coarse I'd break and smile and it'd make their day, I guess because they thought me being so pretty that I shouldn't be so gloomy. Me smiling all the time (most of the time) is a recent thing, this year. Before that most of the time, straight face, no emotions showing at all, even with me living as a woman, I just didn't know how to smile just for the sake of it, always had to be something worth smiling about. I really don't know what brought it on, but once I started it not only does a smile on me look better, making my face prettier, but makes me feel great as well. I should've smiled more often years before.       

As for the touching or grabbing part by total strangers, never happened to me ever. And for the smiling part when told by men, I'd only ever seen that as harmless flirting, nothing more.

[janetcgtv]

Smiling is good for you. I enjoy putting a smile on someone's face. Like when I go to the Jewel/Osco  they are having a lot of red alert sales. Therefore I either ask them where Scottie is or I tell them the Klingons are here. And they all smile because they remember Star Trek where the Enterprise when in trouble would give of a RED ALERT signal through out the ship.

P.S. I read somewhere that not smiling can put wrinkles on your face.

[Megan Joanne]

^ I don't think that's true, I spent most of my years showing very little emotion (other than sadness and anger) on my face, I am just starting to show wrinkles now (around the eyes), now that I am smiling.

[Oriah]

He called you pretty and asked you to smile?  It sounds like he was trying to make your day better.  Maybe you're using your feminist high horse wrong?

[Evelyn K]

How come I've never had a troll follow me around. or squeeze my ass.

[JulieBlair]

Evelyn,
I don't know.  Men are basically fools.  But I doubt you would suffer trolls lightly, so maybe they aren't as foolish as they seem.

[Evelyn K]

Won't let them glutton me mutton. I'll smile sunshine and turn em into stone.

[Adam (birkin)]

To the people who think it's just something to "get over"...some girls just don't like attention from men. Obviously I wasn't a girl, but I wasn't interested in men in any capacity and it was kind of annoying to have to mitigate flirtatious comments. Because a lot of times, if you act nice in response to comments regarding your appearance, they take it as a license to keep it going and then they think you've led them on and are offended when you state that you are not interested. Not universally, of course, but it's not something everyone likes to deal with. Especially when it happens on a somewhat regular basis. Sometimes people just want to go about their day without having to worry if some dudes is trying to pick them up.

[Carrie Liz]

That's my attitude, is there is a time and a place for flirting. When you're just trying to live your life, doing completely mundane everyday things like shopping or going to work or just walking around being a tourist, is NOT the time. That's when it just becomes an annoyance, when EVERY moment of your life has to be sexualized and seen in a flirtatious context. It's exhausting.

[Evelyn K]

I wonder if our female gender is partly to blame? We never initiate. So our culture expects males to open us in dialogue.

Kind of a catch-22.

[Oriah]

That's my attitude, is there is a time and a place for flirting. When you're just trying to live your life, doing completely mundane everyday things like shopping or going to work or just walking around being a tourist, is NOT the time. That's when it just becomes an annoyance, when EVERY moment of your life has to be sexualized and seen in a flirtatious context. It's exhausting.

It's not always about sex.  Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. 

It doesn't make sense to me.....in this culture low self esteem is considered to be a terrible epidemic faced by millions of women, but then simple compliments are treated like dangerous sexual advances.  When women start treating all men as creeps or potential rapists, a lot of innocent, well meaning men get truly crushed.  Big secret girls: men are just as insecure and emotionally fragile as women.