do you think you can proceed with tansition and be happy while not attractive

[Ltl89]

I'm okay with knowing that I'll never be pretty or attractive.  I won't lie, it does hurt a bit when I compare myself to other women, but I've accepted that beauty isn't in the cards for me.   However, passing and being accepted as female is neccessary to me.  That's something that I don't think I can ever feel okay with to be honest.  But looks and being attractive isn't neccessary even if it upsets me to know that I'm not considered good looking, especially considering that I'm a single transwoman and being trans means having people pick every aspect of your appearance apart when judging you.  It's just the way the world is like it or not.

[Sybil]

I think it's an on-going, trans-separate issue for some of us. I know it is for me.

I have always struggled with accepting my appearance: lots of self-loathing, intense feelings of shame, inability to leave the house, torturous schemes to improve myself (starvation, primarily), dedication of all of my free money to improve my appearance, etc.

To me, the validity of my gender status is irrelevant. I'm likely always going to obsess over being attractive or not and will let it get me down until I'm satisfied. I have at many, many times throughout my life placed my entire value on the strength of my appearance, and let it limit me accordingly.

Er, not to encourage this sort of behavior or sound like I've just accepted this flaw of mine. I actively try to work with it and improve my mental state, but I recognize the problem for what it is -- and part of that is knowing that the issue is separate from my gender.

Final note: I know that the people in this thread don't inherently think that, if you transition and are unhappy that you're unattractive, it must mean that you don't value womanhood (or manhood) for what it is (a status that comes before beauty). However, it does bother me a bit that some people make that assumption. It's unfair and oversimplified. Even if you become unattractive as a result of transition, and you feel really uncomfortable with this, it doesn't necessarily mean that you feel uncomfortable with being a woman/man or having transitioned. It inherently only means that you feel uncomfortable with being unattractive.

[HeatherR]

Attractive and passing are entirely different to me.. If I can live my life without getting constant stares and finger pointing, then I'll be happy. 

[PurpleCrown]

I've actually been thinking about this recently since I got obviously clocked for the first time in a good while. Since HRT has had some time to do it's work I realized that some FFS is needed to make me passable. It's something I never really thought of before.

I know that I'm ugly and I'm okay with that. In fact, I think there are some advantages to not being judged only by your looks. Since I'm not rich, famous or talented as well I know people really like me for me. Not to say that I wouldn't like to be pretty, because I like to at least try and look as beautiful as I can. I'm fine as long as I don't look mutilated.

What matters the most to me is that I look like a woman. I don't care about my small breasts, because at least they're there. Nor my flat but, al long as it doesn't say male. I can't stand my face though, because I need to work real hard to not see the damage testosterone did. It makes me feel uncomfortable not being able to go get some groceries without worrying about how I look and what others might be thinking when they're watching me.

Not looking as feminine as I'd like and being unable to change that any time soon can really bring me down, but it sure beats the aimless life I was living before. Small things like being able to laugh more, live the way I want and feeling comfortable with the inside make it worth it for me. Looks are the icing on the cake and it's not more than natural to try and be as attractive as you can, because the icing is delicious.

[Allyda]

Of course part of just being a woman is wanting to feel pretty. However for me this is just a part of being female and has no relevance to my need to transition.

Ally

[SciNerdGirl]

I'll start of by saying that situations in my personal life prevent me from being able to let myself transition using medical intervention. 

However  if I ever did, being able to feel pretty is extremely important to me.  The thing is if I could ever look like a real girl, I'm awfully certain that I would feel pretty.  In my eyes I'd say that about 90% of all the women I have ever known have a fundamental physical beauty that I would consider basically as "pretty" (regardless of what the media might say, or those women might think of themselves).  This includes most of the women I have seen pictures of in this site.  I think that I would be glowing with happiness if I could ever achieve that base level of beauty as a girl.

However, the truth is, that as a male, I basically resemble uncle Fester from the The Adams Family.


Whenever I dress up, I certainly feel feminine, but I don't think medical science has advanced enough to change my physical appearance into that of a woman I would be happy presenting to the world.  A girl can always dream though.

J.

[katiej]

So much of what makes a woman attractive is attitude, makeup, hair, and fashion...the overall presentation.

Take a look at the pictures of celebrities without makeup.  These are supposedly the most beautiful women in the world, but when they're not all done up they look very average at best.  My point is that as trans women we can take advantage of the same thing that makes them beautiful.

I'll never be classically beautiful, but I can definitely get to a certain level of actractiveness...even if it's only the clothes and makeup.

[Beyond]

wondering if being attractive is just too important for your decision to transition and be happy.

Two things:

1. The point of transition is first and foremost about being YOU.

2. I also think a key to transitioning successfully is having realistic expectations.  It always worries me when I hear young transitioners saying they want to look like some young starlet.  In my mind they are setting themselves up for disappointment.

My goal when starting out 11 years ago was to simply do the best I could with what I had AND to be authentic, to really be ME.

I like to think that I succeeded (and YES, I am happy).

[galaxy]

In my eyes I'd say that about 90% of all the women I have ever known have a fundamental physical beauty that I would consider basically as "pretty" (regardless of what the media might say, or those women might think of themselves).  This includes most of the women I have seen pictures of in this site.  I think that I would be glowing with happiness if I could ever achieve that base level of beauty as a girl.

Thats what i tried to say. If your are with the last 10% you cant get lucky - in my eyes. Its not enough to feel as a woman and feel pretty. I tried it but there are so much things that doesnt pass and fit for me and for a FFS i dont have the money yet. Thats all a shame! 

[Handy]

The bottom line is: yes. I'd still transition with zero guarantee I'll be pretty. As it currently stands, I expect to be passable but homely. That is an infinitely more appealing fate than the constant suicidal thoughts/self loathing/inevitable early grave that being male was for me.

[LizMarie]

Attractive and passing are entirely different to me.. If I can live my life without getting constant stares and finger pointing, then I'll be happy.

...This!! Exactly what Heather said!

I hope I end up a fraction as attractive as my mother, sister, and daughter, since we four all share similar body types and facial structure. But I've also learned to not care whether that happens or not. If I had transitioned younger, I would have wanted to be a mirror to my mother, but now I am satisfied with simply being myself. That satisfaction, finally facing and overcoming my fears, means more to me than whether I am attractive or not.

At the same time, I keep getting warned by cisgender women that they think I am attractive, and I have to admit having been hit on a few times already, which those same women find intensely amusing.

[stephaniec]

The bottom line is: yes. I'd still transition with zero guarantee I'll be pretty. As it currently stands, I expect to be passable but homely. That is an infinitely more appealing fate than the constant suicidal thoughts/self loathing/inevitable early grave that being male was for me.

I find it pretty amazing that all my life every day there was always the idea of suicide floating around in my head, Once I started HRT 9 months ago the exact opposite is true I haven't thought of it once.

[TheQuestion]

For me it's sort of important; primarily because I can tell that had I started hormones at a young age I'd have been really gorgeous and looked CIS.  I definitely think I'd have looked like a model.  I think I may still be pretty if I transition, but probably just a pretty ts... which means in the eyes of many people that I may as well be a man.  At this point I really have no idea what transitioning will do to me.

[TheQuestion]

I'm sort of afraid of looking like a pretty ts.  I think if I had the choice between being a non-passable, but pretty ts or an average, but passable ts, I'd take the latter.

[TheQuestion]

The bottom line is: yes. I'd still transition with zero guarantee I'll be pretty. As it currently stands, I expect to be passable but homely. That is an infinitely more appealing fate than the constant suicidal thoughts/self loathing/inevitable early grave that being male was for me.

I don't think your homely, even now...