so not right!

[Umiko]

I'm sure Google will answer the question of local LGBT, just enter "LGBT gender support" and your city or state into it and see what it spits out. Having an endo who knows what they are doing is very different to one who is willing to help you. Again, I can't see why she would think a high starting dose is the way to go. Add that to the OB/GYN referral and I have to ask if she has a clue about treating M2F?

idk, all i know is that idk how much more of this back and forth i can take. i'm trying my best to distract myself from going into my drawer of shiny sharp objects or making an appointment at the hospital and just getting it over with. after today, my dysphoria has never been so extreme and i had pretty close calls at the beginning learned to cope and now this mess happened and i'm back to square one. i may seem calm but thats because i'm trying not to tear myself a part. i know its a process but this isnt necessary at all

[mrs izzy]

Sorry but you are just having trouble finding doctors that understand the GD. They seem to be pushing the buck per say to others.

Do you live in the states or some other country in the world.

There has to be REAL help in your area that understand.

Sorry Evelyn you are way out of line.

Taking matters in your own hands has left many DEAD.

So if you want to have Vampire Brianna life on your hands then keep up your pushing.

Isabell

[Evelyn K]

Vampire is already nearing her breaking point. What I've suggested is pretty much common knowledge around these parts.

So what difference does it make?

[mrs izzy]

Vampire is already nearing her breaking point. What I've suggested is pretty much common knowledge around these parts.

So what difference does it make?

What you are suggesting is someone who need real help not a loaded gun.

[Evelyn K]

Well. I'm a -6 reputation poster. Maybe I'm full of sh*t and can't be taken seriously...

[Umiko]

be happy i dont give -1. i wont self medicate because if any of you found out, you'd have my head. i'm left with 2 options now. i either beg my GP for blockers until i can get my feet on the ground and find a doctor for E or the latter isnt so pretty at all. forget my sig because frankly its meaningless to me right now

[mrs izzy]

Brianna,

I know how you feel, i have been fallowing your post and sorry it seems you can not catch a break,

The answer is to keep moving forward in a professional way. You need to find a good support network that is looking out for your health.

I do not see what you have been through is gatekeeping but more a lack of knowledge dealing with someone young with GD.

The help is there, do not give up. We all have had to put so much time in waiting we know it hurts.

Hugs
Isabell

[Evelyn K]

be happy i dont give -1. i wont self medicate because if any of you found out, you'd have my head. i'm left with 2 options now. i either beg my GP for blockers until i can get my feet on the ground and find a doctor for E or the latter isnt so pretty at all. forget my sig because frankly its meaningless to me right now

Why do you care what others here think?

It's not a good way to lead your personal health decisions.

You are the captain of your own soul.

[Umiko]

i'm trying, i really am, but lets face it, i wasted to much time when i had the chance and now that i'm in this and i'm being tossed around like a rag doll, always on the edge of sanity and insanity and basically coming out as far as i did is only making me question my existence even further. i hate being in this position and i was so well controlled, so well managed and had my dysphoria under control so i can remain sane but look what happened. one little thing and i'm back at the bottom. i wish i could see my therapist and just talk until i'm blue in the face but i cant. i'm barely hanging on by a thread.

[Evelyn K]

Well. This is what happens when you put all your trust into the "authority".

Brianna I wish you joy and happiness. I know you'll find your way.

Hang in there.

[mrs izzy]

You are the captain of your own soul.

And you are not the one who will be in charge of whats written on your head stone.

Never the answer, to much real help out there that care for life.

Sorry Evelyn i just can not accept anything you say as helpful.
Maybe you have not stood at the grave site of sisters or brothers who have passed.

Maybe you should someday.

Izzy

[Umiko]

i shouldnt even open this up. only feeling worse than before. i think i really should just go. i'm like literally in a pool of tears

[mrs izzy]

i shouldnt even open this up. only feeling worse than before. i think i really should just go. i'm like literally in a pool of tears

There a many here for you. I know you are hurting and feeling beat up. We all have been there but we have survived.

Deep Breathe and take some time to relax.

Hugs
Isabell

[Umiko]

There a many here for you. I know you are hurting and feeling beat up. We all have been there but we have survived.

Deep Breathe and take some time to relax.

Hugs
Isabell

i wish it was that simple. the last time i cried, i almost committed suicide. i'm not an emotional creature and when i do even shed a tear, the whole world around me just falls a part. i havent tried suicide this time because i'll suffer still in death  so i may as well rot away and that way i wont suffer as much. of course history repeats itself so i'll remain in this same vicious cycle over and over and over again. its funny how something so minor as discomfort can shatter a diamond and turn it to dust. it seems like i need literally bleed out for my cries to be heard. my old friend is calling me for a play date. i'm not crazy nor am i insane. i am as calm as a summer breeze. i dont take things personally, i listen and act accordingly. i mind my own business and i dont get involved unless needed it. i'm a neutral being and i'm fair to all. so this is what it feels like to have completely fallen. ha, i never knew. i'm trying my hardest not to hit the humanity off switch but the button is so tempting

[immortal gypsy]

i shouldnt even open this up. only feeling worse than before. i think i really should just go. i'm like literally in a pool of tears

Take a step back, cry scream let it all out today and tomorrow if you must. Then back to work, as Grace suggested have a look around for a LGBT support group in your area. We have all suffered the odd setback or half dozen on this journey,  don't worry you are not the first or the last. We will be here to help pick you back up and hold you when you're feeling down, and be there with you to celebrate when your journey is over. You will get there hugs Brianna, please don't do anything today you might regret tomorrow or next week.

Who will I have to talk nonsense, vampires and wearwolves to if you go. (okay selfish for me but it shows someone will miss you)

[JulieBlair]

This is such BS I'm too pissed to write.  Even an old lady like me can only hear,  arrrggg I can't even type on my phone.  Sorry I'll try again later.  Hang in there.

[Umiko]

idk what to do anymore. i try not to get to emotional because of the circumstances surround this whole thing so i try to be as aloof as possible so i dont get to hurt but this has brought me over the top and beyond. i cant tell you how shattering and crush i feel. its searing pain worse than the inferno's of hell x100. i'm even starting to feel physical pain and my limbs are going numb.

[Ms Grace]

idk, all i know is that idk how much more of this back and forth i can take. i'm trying my best to distract myself from going into my drawer of shiny sharp objects or making an appointment at the hospital and just getting it over with. after today, my dysphoria has never been so extreme and i had pretty close calls at the beginning learned to cope and now this mess happened and i'm back to square one. i may seem calm but thats because i'm trying not to tear myself a part. i know its a process but this isnt necessary at all

Sweetie, it might feel like square one but isn't the same square, not by a long shot. I think you have matured immensely in just the last few months - you are starting to learn to cope with the disappointments life can throw up and that is a damned important step. You are actually a lot closer to moving onto the next square than you realise.

Look at it this way, you are still in with a huge chance of getting what you want and need, why waste that opportunity doing something rash and harmful? You will get there, I know it hurts now and is maddeningly frustrating rage material but it is a relatively small setback in the large scheme of things. Soon, OK? 

[Bombadil]

I agree with Ms Grace. You will get there. You are not back to square 1. And you don't need to figure it all out right now. So, the next step is to find some ways to comfort yourself and keep talking here. Then it's call the doctor. one step at a time, ok? you can do this.

[Umiko]

Sweetie, it might feel like square one but isn't the same square, not by a long shot. I think you have matured immensely in just the last few months - you are starting to learn to cope with the disappointments life can throw up and that is a damned important step. You are actually a lot closer to moving onto the next square than you realise.

Look at it this way, you are still in with a huge chance of getting what you want and need, why waste that opportunity doing something rash and harmful? You will get there, I know it hurts now and is maddeningly frustrating rage material but it is a relatively small setback in the large scheme of things. Soon, OK? 

hurting myself its really an option anymore and suicide isnt a choice because face it, i'll suffer worse than i do know if i go knocking at death's door again. its like putting your hand in glass trying to pick up the pieces. strange i even thought about just cutting my hair knowing thats a huge trigger factor. may as well until i can square things away