Never felt happier…except…

[Ms Grace]

I'm pretty darned happy at the moment; my transition has gone well, especially at work where - after some three and half months - I now feel totally settled in. My colleagues worked hard to get my name and gender right and, to their credit, they have accommodated and accepted me completely - misnamings and misgenderings are pretty much a rarity now. I feel that the women have all welcomed me into the fold and, increasingly, I find myself engaging with them in ways that were previously not possible.

A lot of it is subtle stuff, one of those things is that I find they are now much more likely to open up to me about their partners and personal life, which is pretty cool. Except that I have nothing to share back. I don't have a partner, a lover or even a hot date (or a luke warm date for that matter). So I have the work/professional side of my transition sorted but haven't focused at all on the personal side. Sure I have friends and they have been wonderfully accepting and I have gone out with them, but we're all in the 45-55 age range, most of them are all settled down so going out with them doesn't really give me a chance to meet new people romantically. Of course I should admit, I'm not really sure I'm up for getting into a relationship at the moment so I don't know what I'm complaining about.

Living as a guy I had two short lived relationships with hetro cis women. Nine months and three months. That's it. The three month thing was eleven years ago so I haven't been close to anyone since then. I consider myself a caring, loving person but as a "male" I never could take the initiative, which means I never "put out" and never got anywhere with women... I was always becoming good friends with them which, in many ways I was happier about anyway, but it also meant I couldn't find the closeness, warmth and intimacy I really wanted.

So, hmmm, I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I'm very, very happy about my transition progress. Some of the new closeness to women however has highlighted where things need some work. My transition can't just be about being 100% great with my job and meh% in my personal life... but I have no idea about when that should change or how it can or will change.

[Michelle G]

Being "intimate" in relationships was always futile, awkward and disappointing at best with me, I tried to fake it and act interested but with such a mental "disconnect" of the boy parts things just usually went sour and I was left with making excuses.

My lovely spouse now looks past that and instead she embraces what we do have which is an understanding of each other and our "best friends" relationship".

She doesn't have any female friends to do girl stuff and to go out with and she admits to being sad about losing the "boy mode" me, but she also says she enjoys doing all the girl things with me such as shopping, raiding each other's closet for outfits, staying up late talking, doing each other's hair, hitting the local wine bars...girl stuff

I'm good with that!

[Annabella]

Grace, I'm very happy for you on all points with work, I worry a lot about when/if I make it to that point as I fear the sexism that I see at my office probably would be doubly applied to me as trans.
As for the intimacy and etc. I find for me the big issue has been having that close connection with someone regardless of the sex.
I think that even if you don't find someone to be physically intimate with, you may benefit a lot from finding someone to be mentally intimate with.
The science is pretty solid I think that the sort of close trusting cuddling sort of intimacy is very vital for our happiness long term.

Whichever you may find or search for, I wish you all the best of luck.
-Anna

[luna nyan]

Grace  it just all takes time.

A friend of mine completed transition around 10 years ago, and married last year.  Her experience of the dating pool was frustration for a while.  But that is true for anyone who has passed 30-35 - social circles seem to shrink over time, and it requires special effort to make and keep new contacts.

From everything you've posted, you're doing well as is, but there's always the urge to reach for more.  You're going to be fine! ^.^b

[suzifrommd]

So, hmmm, I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I'm very, very happy about my transition progress. Some of the new closeness to women however has highlighted where things need some work. My transition can't just be about being 100% great with my job and meh% in my personal life... but I have no idea about when that should change or how it can or will change.

There are three types (in my experience) of female friends:

1. They spill, I listen.
2. I spill, they listen.
3. We take turns spilling and listening.

I find all three types have been valuable. I used to stress about types 1 & 2. Then I realized that those people were comfortable having it that way.

For me, I actually like talking about my experiences associated with my transition. If a friend wants me to spill, that's usually what I spill about, since that's really what's occupied my being for the past 2 years.

[Handy]

First off: super happy your transition is/has gone so smoothly.

I get the frustration/disappointment on the relationship front. Back before I found my SO I was at least openly expressing myself in my social circle, and as we all know being an openly gender-nonconforming person attracts some pretty unsavory/pervy/downright scary characters. Thus, all the men that were interested in me ultimately scared me, and the women that were interested in me I worried I'd never be able to maintain a normal relationship with because, like many of us, I simply could not 'perform' in any way for them.

So, yeah; we all have a pretty tricky situation on our hands. People will say to put yourself out there and cross your fingers, but for trans people the whole inevitably having to reveal your past and risk the rejection/anger/violence that comes with it kind of ruins that.

There ARE some LGBTQ meetup/social sites that may be helpful, and simultaneously remove the 'reveal' stage of the relationship upfront while hopefully helping to avoid creepers.

Whatever the case I wish you luck. Me and muffin think you're just friggin' adorable, so keep your spirits up, you got a lot to offer!

[rosinstraya]

I know what you mean Grace with the general idea of relationships as a man. Until I lucked out some 20 years ago with my current partner, my experiences were - let's be generous - brief and not especially successful.

I think that if you are happy in who you are then a lot of that will show through as you meet people. I take your point that in our age group a lot of people are coupled off or settled, so it's not necessarily going to lead to meeting new, interesting people immediately. Maybe that will change over time.

It's great that your transition at work has gone so well, getting those closer relationships with other women is undoubtedly a big plus. Cliche that it is - I'm sure it will all come good over time.

[stephaniec]

your doing great and your beautiful. I thought the land of OZ was where wishes came true or was that some where over the rainbow.

[Ms Grace]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts!

All my male life I've been a bit of a loner. I do enjoy social interaction but usually with only a small number of people and then in small doses. Meeting new people can be extremely challenging for me, especially in large social gatherings...I'll do it but then have to spend a good day by myself just to recover from the effort. I think I can be quite friendly and try to engage in conversation with people, even if I've just met them, but I find it really exhausting.

Maybe it's because settling into work as Grace has been a bit stressful, on top of that there has been a lot to do lately since my role has taken on new responsibilities, and as a result I'm getting home exhausted and not in the frame of mind or mood to socialise more. Once things feel like they're on an even keel (will they ever?) then I'll be able to look at meeting someone special/significant.

There are three types (in my experience) of female friends:

1. They spill, I listen.
2. I spill, they listen.
3. We take turns spilling and listening.

This is so very true! Noticed this well before transition.