Hello everyone.
I wanted to make a post because I feel like I can relate with all of you more than most people currently in my life.
Let me re-introduce myself because I haven't posted on here for a long while.
My biological name is Jacob, born male and currently living as a male.
Through-out my whole childhood I knew I was different (and people made it known to me). One of my earliest memories was of me putting on my friend's princess dress (all pink) at around 3 or 4. I only played with girls, stopped playing baseball after 1st grade (hated it), stopped playing soccer for many years, got caught by my twin brother sitting on the toilet while peeing and telling him i wanted to be girl, played with barbies and regected "kin", disliked video games, loved art, first music CD was Shania Twain, want nails painted and did moms hair,.... you get the picture.
I was called girly-boy by my brothers friends and certain adults told me that I had to stop playing with girl toys because I was a boy and I was becoming older (around age 10).
When purberty hit, I had been having family problems and became depressed. I also felt awkward and wanted to fit in with my peers. Despite that, I came out as gay at age 13-14 in middle school. At age 15, I was deeply depressed and didn't care about my well being and started using marijuana, cigarettes, and pills as a way to cope. At 16 I started realizing what i was watching on YouTube. Everyone that I was subscribed to were women, or more specifically, trans women. I started to reevaluate myself. The only music I listened to was Britney Spears, when I would go for runs I always imagined myself acting out her tour scenes. That's what I would do to escape the anxiety and depression that I was in. I started fantasizing while listening to her music a lot, and do so to this day.
This year,a few days after I turned 18, I met my boyfriend. We have been together for about 5 1/2 months now and I haven't told him about my gender identity issues because I have no clear view about myself either. We also have been having arguments over little things, and often question whether I'm being manipulated or not. I have stuck it out because I love him but I am just figuring out myself and he is several years older than I.
I feel dull and like I have nothing to look forward to, even though I literally have everything.
I am really sorry if everything is scattered, I usually am more organized in my writing. I am definitely going to see a therapist that can help me but just thought that I could spill some of it with you guys and gals and maybe you can relate.
thanks for your time!
