i want my old life back

[Umiko]

i'm finished, kaput. i cant do it anymore. sure if i actually win this and get the money, what good will it do. i've already broken my rule again and went ahead and opened my drawer. i keep having these realistic future flashes and its leaving me on the ground in agony. my mind is more noisy than ever, my sleeping pills stopped working, and i can barely get out of bed. its not even depression for depression i can handle, but this, this feeling is something far worse. i'm going to go to my GP and say i'm done. i even started looking into electro shock therapy. i just cant anymore. i just want to return back to the way things were, when i was just a ship in the night, just passing through the crowd, when emotions and feelings and thoughts never touched me. i was content in the life when i didnt have to open my closet up. that time when pain was irrelevant to me for pain never existed in my world. i want that back. i just want my old life back

[RockerGirl]

Hugs*
Hang in there girl! I know times can be tough. Just hang in there, we are always here!

[Umiko]

i just hate being trans. i hate it more than anything. this vicious cycle would continue either which way. born a guy, i would feel as if i was a girl. born a girl, i would feel as if i should of been a man. i was perfectly fine before, i was content in my own little corner. why did i have to leave my space and go somewhere else knowing i can never find my way back

[Miyuki]

I hate it too Brianna. After going through the experience myself, I would never wish being transgender on even my worst enemy. But you can't let it beat you that easily. You just need to keep believing things will get better if you keep moving forward, because 99% of the time, it's the truth. It's usually the moment when you truly believe that things can't get any worse that they actually start to get better, but if you give up now you'll never get to find out just how much better they can get.

[Jessica Merriman]

i'm finished, kaput. i cant do it anymore. i just want my old life back

Be careful for what you wish for. Electro shock treatment is not for Gender Dysphoria sweetie. Where do you get this stuff? You need to lay off the personal diagnosis and follow the plan your Therapist gives you. You need a break very soon or you are going to totally crack up, if you haven't already. I am not trying to be mean here, but you need to make a decision and stick with it whether it is transition or not. Impatient or out patient therapy. HRT or anti depressives. You need to start at ground zero with a Therapist all over again and concentrate on making progress instead of this back and forth obsession. Electro shock! 

[Miyuki]

Actually... electric shock therapy isn't as crazy as it sounds. At least as far as depression is concerned. While in the past it's usage bordered on quackery, there has been some recent research that indicates it can be effective for treating extreme cases of depression. But, no, it's not going to help with the dysphoria, if that's what you were hoping for.

[Umiko]

Be careful for what you wish for. Electro shock treatment is not for Gender Dysphoria sweetie. Where do you get this stuff? You need to lay off the personal diagnosis and follow the plan your Therapist gives you. You need a break very soon or you are going to totally crack up, if you haven't already. I am not trying to be mean here, but you need to make a decision and stick with it whether it is transition or not. Impatient or out patient therapy. HRT or anti depressives. You need to start at ground zero with a Therapist all over again and concentrate on making progress instead of this back and forth obsession. Electro shock! 

we all agreed i'll go on hormones and take it from there because i can simple transition socially if i wanted to seeing as i dont hold a job right now and i dont have friends. whats most important is that i find stability and my psychiatrist has agreed i should start hrt. its not the process or seeking doctors at all, its because of the onslaught of my locked away emotions and those memories i sealed away from my past have now been unsealed as well as crushing dysphoria that is so unstable that one moment i'm fine and the next i'm grabbing at the ground trying to catch my breath but cant find it. i'm just a fragile rose and my thorns are just for show. idk, a break does sound nice, but if your suggesting the hospital, i'm afraid to tell you that even if i do go, i see the doctors, they put me on more medication and release me, it'll be the same all over again. i just want to forget. electro shock therapy i got off watch House M.D and the guy actually forgot. i see it as a curse, that i rather sell my soul to the devil than to be trans.

[Miyuki]

I've heard that electric shock can be used to manipulate memories, but erasing issues with gender identity would be much more complicated. You might be able to erase a few traumatic memories but you could never reprogram yourself to the point where you could change such a fundamental part of yourself. Maybe someday something like that will be possible, but it's not now. And is that really what you want? It sounds like you are spending way to much time alone right now. I know from experience, when you are alone with no one else to talk to, that is when you can develop the most self-destructive thoughts. How much time are you spending alone lately? Is there anything you could try doing to get your mind off things, and maybe try to make some new connections with other people?

[echo_artist]

NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!
Don't you DARE  say you're done!
I'm not gonna give up on you! I love you,girl! I can't see my friend go through this at all I told you, to tell me when you need me,
I'll be there for you.
It's always gonna be "the grass is greener" scenario, but don't let that rule you.
I will kill you myself if you try electro shock anything!
I will be your rock when you need to collapse once in a while, but don't harm yourself just because you feel lost in the dark.
I feel the way, but I rather have a hard time getting what I want and be proud of the struggle, than quit and never see your happiness.
Sorry to sound so brash, I just....can't and will not stomach that at all. Life sucks, and unless we stick trying to be perfect to prevent the
pain, we will never truly understand how it feels to feel the sun on your skin.
I believe that you'll overcome this rut. I was there, it's not worth it to give up now.
I'm here for you love.

[Umiko]

I've heard that electric shock can be used to manipulate memories, but erasing issues with gender identity would be much more complicated. You might be able to erase a few traumatic memories but you could never reprogram yourself to the point where you could change such a fundamental part of yourself. Maybe someday something like that will be possible, but it's not now. And is that really what you want? It sounds like you are spending way to much time alone right now. I know from experience, when you are alone with no one else to talk to, that is when you can develop the most self-destructive thoughts. How much time are you spending alone lately? Is there anything you could try doing to get your mind off things, and maybe try to make some new connections with other people?

i just hate it so much. i would rather sell my soul to the devil than to be trans. there is no escape from it either which way i go. i'm usually alone 24/7, its just how my life is and when i do try to be sociable, i'm so awkward its a huge turn off

[Umiko]

NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!
Don't you DARE  say you're done!
I'm not gonna give up on you! I love you,girl! I can't see my friend go through this at all I told you, to tell me when you need me,
I'll be there for you.
It's always gonna be "the grass is greener" scenario, but don't let that rule you.
I will kill you myself if you try electro shock anything!
I will be your rock when you need to collapse once in a while, but don't harm yourself just because you feel lost in the dark.
I feel the way, but I rather have a hard time getting what I want and be proud of the struggle, than quit and never see your happiness.
Sorry to sound so brash, I just....can't and will not stomach that at all. Life sucks, and unless we stick trying to be perfect to prevent the
pain, we will never truly understand how it feels to feel the sun on your skin.
I believe that you'll overcome this rut. I was there, it's not worth it to give up now.
I'm here for you love.

hey, no going killing yourself. i would rather you live than to take the fall for something i did.

[echo_artist]

hey, no going killing yourself. i would rather you live than to take the fall for something i did.

I actually meant "I'll kill you if you do it" I guess I got over emotion while typing.
But dont do anything that stupid.

[Umiko]

I actually meant "I'll kill you if you do it" I guess I got over emotion while typing.
But dont do anything that stupid.

no, it really wouldnt work. this is something that ingrained into my very being. amnesia wouldnt work ither because i'll have that feeling of emptiness and the whole problem would start up again.

[echo_artist]

You dont have to let it be in coded into you.
You just need to run out of your cycle once in a while.

[helen2010]

i'm finished, kaput. i cant do it anymore....i just cant anymore. i just want to return back to the way things were, when i was just a ship in the night, just passing through the crowd, when emotions and feelings and thoughts never touched me. i was content in the life when i didnt have to open my closet up. that time when pain was irrelevant to me for pain never existed in my world. i want that back. i just want my old life back

Brianna

I feel your hurt and your pain.  Seeing your Doctor and experts to help you deal with your depression and dysphoria is very important.  ECT can work for some forms of depression (it has come a long way) but other therapies are also available.  Dysphoria, in my experience, is ever present and cannot be denied.  If you hadn't opened the closet it would probably have broken out in any case.  You can never go back.   You can only move forward ..  one step at a time in the direction that you choose and own.   Often the most powerful and most transformative experiences are the most painful, and the most sensate of us feel the pain most deeply.  I only know you from your postings and you sound determined, a fighter and as someone who does not give up.  Let us know if we can help and remember the past can't harm you, and that the future is a whole lot better place and is just waiting for you to own it.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Umiko]

i was able to run from it before. what makes now so different

[Jessica Merriman]

electro shock therapy i got off watch House M.D and the guy actually forgot. i

Tell me you are kidding? You saw it on a T.V. show and want to try it? 

Brianna I am seriously worried about you. Does your family know about these thoughts at all? 

[helen2010]

i was able to run from it before. what makes now so different

I can't answer this.  It is a question for you and your therapists to resolve.  Whenever I have tried to go back and look to find the pleasure that I previously had in a place, with a former partner, a favourite novel or movie I have never found the same pleasure.  I suspect it is because I have changed and I can't go back and others can't go back to who they were.  Of course you may find that it is still a better place than where you currently are .. only time will tell,  but it will be different from last time.

Aisla

[Umiko]

if anyone found out, well i'd be pumped full of every anti-psychotic known to man. i keep them hidden and hopes that i'd just forget what is plaguing me. i even completely stopped wearing female underclothes, starting trying to walk like a dude and i talk in a deeper voice now, but its not changing anything. its only making it worse. i was looking at myself in the mirror and since my hair is growing, i dont look like boy a much and i swear my lips became more feminine. i nearly rolled into a ball and started crying. i have natural soft smooth skin so that serves as a big trigger. i avoid sleep now because my dreams have become so real.

[helen2010]

Brianna

I don't know what to say or how to help, except say that everyone needs someone they can share their fears and their dreams with.  You are not in a good place and need to find a safe place or effective support, medical or therapy if that works best for you  Is there any one or anything that can help or has helped?