i want my old life back

[Umiko]

Brianna

I don't know what to say or how to help, except say that everyone needs someone they can share their fears and their dreams with.  You are not in a good place and need to find a safe place or effective support, medical or therapy if that works best for you  Is there any one or anything that can help or has helped?

its because i cant see my therapist every week. call it pent up rage bubbling to the surface. i have gotten comments and people asking why am i angry all the time even though i'm not but i'm being read as such. i guess i can act the part anymore. i'm just ridiculously exhausted. you all are a help tremendously for putting up with my ranting so i do have some stress relieved. i just hate the path i decided to walk. one little thing caused the dame to burst. that one little search and well, a door that shouldnt of been opened got destroyed.

[helen2010]

Brianna

As they say if you can't vent with your family, where else can you do it?  Venting is good.  Much of the pain you feel has also been felt by others.  Your experiences are valuable to many of us.

Travel safe

Aisla

[TheQuestion]

I know the feeling.  I was looking at assisted suicide groups and trying to think of ways I could get a hold of some seconal about a month back.  Then - I'll be honest with you - about a week and a half ago I went to CVS and bought a bottle of aspirin - made sure it was the strongest dosage and everything.  I went home and just started shoveling them into my mouth to the point where I lost track.  I easily ate 20, but I'd say it's a safe bet that I took 30 or more.  I didn't really want to die, but I guess I did.  I took enough that it could have gone either way.  I couldn't sleep for two days after, had a terrible pressure/ringing in my ears, awful stomach ache, and I couldn't stop throwing up bile.  I did the same thing when I was 19.

I REALLY hate my life, simple because I'm trans... but I'm trying.  I'm not going to try suicide or anything again, not until I give transitioning a shot.  I'm really hoping to not feel this way in the future, but I guess one good thing to come of it is that I think I've reached that point where things can't get much worse.  Knowing that does sort of make you feel better, like others have said.  I'm hoping to get on hrt soon.  I'm hoping things get better and I'm trying to keep positive in believing it will.  I guess that's all you can do; keep keeping on, hope, and work towards a better life...

[TheQuestion]

And we're pretty much one in the same with how things are going.  I'm a horrible underachiever.  I graduated college with highest honors and use to have a ton of friends.  Right now I'm 26, working a part-time job where I make awful money, and I also basically have no friends and am alone all the time.  Have been for years at this point.  I've never even been on a date or held someone's hand, and I've been told that I'm a very good looking guy... but obviously that doesn't matter to me.  It's like I can't function as a man, but at the same time I'm afraid that at this point I won't be able to function as female either. 

I can't really vent to my family because it seems to depress them.  TBH, I sort of blame them.  My mother isn't a bigot at all, but she did toss around some "->-bleeped-<-gots," "->-bleeped-<- boy," and "shades of lavenders" when I was a kid.  Not directed at me or really at anyone at all, just used as expressions, but it was enough to prevent me from saying anything as a child. 

If you lived in Massachusetts then I'd say we should meet up and share the misery, lol.  I feel like I can't even start my life, which should already be under way, until I get my mind right...

[Jess42]

Ugh, Electric shock therapy is not used as often and most psychiatrist don't even consider it except in certain cases. Mine will not even consider it on any patients. They do put you under anestesia so it's not like it is a really simple process. It's not like you are sitting in a chair and getting shocked with low voltage while awake.

I hear you talking about therapists but do you have a psychiatrist? If not you really need to find one and try to find the right combinations of medications. Some things work and some don't.

[Kaelin]

Electric shock therapy is bunk.  It won't do anything good for you.  House is about entertainment, not serious medicine.

You may be able to "run away" from your feelings in short bursts, but they are going to come back.  It's not easy, but you have to face them.  We'll do what we can to help, to the extent the Internet allows us, so you're not exactly alone.  If nothing else, you can share those feelings with people who also have difficult feelings on the same or similar dimensions.

[ativan]

I was ECT'd five years ago for beating the hell out of staff in a psyche unit to many times.
It was on the way out to a state hospital, the violent people unit.
I woke up there, I had no idea who I was even.
The psychiatrist later told me he suspected they had given me a massive bi-lateral ECT.
Nobody does this anymore. He looked into it, but couldn't get far with the records.
I still have no memory of the months leading up to it, other than a couple attempted suicides.
He thinks it was retribution for the last person I put out of work for a few weeks.
It was the only explanation for such a strong loss of memory, and for how long it took me to remember even the simplest of things.
It didn't stop the non-binary stuff that rolls around in my head one bit. Dysphoria at the time as strong as it ever was.
I still have years that I can remember only bits and pieces of. Even after five years of weekly therapy for that and my gender issues.
It works in the short term only in the way they use it now, and they do, just not as much as they used to.
If I wanted, I could simply request it and I would receive a unilateral ECT, but it wouldn't do much except MAYBE drop the depression levels down a notch or two.
It's the only safe way to use it, and it's usually a last resort kind of thing.
I can get more simply because I have had one already, makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?
I would never ever do that, the memory loss isn't a vacation from your troubles, it leaves you empty feeling and wondering all the time.
That same psychiatrist, who had seen a lifetime of people who had ECT's done to them, suspects that I had numerous ones in the past.
Which makes sense, it's a lot of the time after I may have had them that I can't remember. Which can and does happen.
But I do remember why I may have had them, only I can't remember much from right at the time, but the previous stuff, I can remember it now.
It was severe trauma on top of the ECT's and they would have used bi-lateral ones back then. They cause the worse memory loss's.
It took five fricken years to figure that out. And now I can't get those damn memories out of my head.
More therapy for those now....

You just get with the program and find your way through to getting the HRT you set out to get.
You're not the only person who has had to go through crap just to get them.
They hand them out like candy compared to what you could have gotten even five years ago.
I should have found out about them four decades ago, my life would have been very different.
A lot of people here have been giving you good advice, people who have had just as many problems if not more than you.
You're wise to have settled down to a low roar now, so think things through, you certainly seem capable enough to do that.
You were one step away, or so you thought. You're still only one step away, think about it.
You've lost a few weeks, not a big deal considering how long it took you to even get to this point.
Get it straightened out, follow the right steps and don't think you can shortcut any of it.
Stick with the plan, it's still working. That's half the problem, you're skipping all over the place.
It isn't the end of the world, it's just the next step in your life. Use it wisely. Take the time it deserves to happen.
Ativan

[Umiko]

my desire to have my old life back, to forget about being trans, to forget about being dysphoric is stemming from my inability to find a proper footing. i now started to talk and work things out with my therapist when i see him, i started biking again, running and i might go back to swimming though frankly i dont think that would be such a good idea right now, but i will have a discussion about that with my therapist and see what he says, and on request of my therapist, i started writing again. none of this is coming from the angle of not being on hormones. i know i'm all over the place but thats due to my emotional roller coaster so that really isnt my fault. i'm continuing to make the steps needed. i just yearn for my old life more than i do for what my future could be

[ativan]

There's no fault here or there. That's a waste of time and energy to place blame.
Things went wrong, they seem to do that sometimes. Sometimes there's an abundance of it.
It can become overwhelming, disorienting and distorting your outlook.
Stepping back and reorganizing is a smart thing to do when you can't find your way through the mess that life can become.
We all do this, it can be a necessary thing to do.
Trying to bulldoze your way through doesn't always work.
There is nothing wrong with retreating, so long as you don't needlessly surrender.
Restock, resupply as you need to. That's something we all do at times.
I'm glad that you're kicking back and re-examining what your priorities are for the time being.
It's a smart move on your part.

Biking, running, swimming, and writing again? Sounds like a plan to get back on course to me.
I wish I could still run, but a bad knee holds me back, for now. I loved running...
I'm might be getting a new kayak this week. I have two small dams that need going over, nothing too high, a river to run.
It's running at it's highest in a few years, it should be sufficiently fun enough to put a new spin back on life again.
Maybe earning me some more grey hairs, my reward for making it this far.
It's the kind of thing that I need to step back and look at first, so I can take it head-on.

I hope you find what you need and are looking for, too.
I think you will. You have a plan as well...
Ativan

[janetcgtv]

Brianna:

Do you think you have it hard?

When Cher sings her half breed song, she is speaking the truth, The Cherokee say she is white by Indian law and to the whites she is just an Indian squaw. I'm English and Irish on my fathers side. On my mother's side I'm Swiss,Bohemian,Austrian, and Jewish. Most people when finding out about my heritage go on their way or say my relatives played around too much,both ignoring me. Half my relatives are Protestant and the other half Catholic. By The way I'm also transgendered. Please don't let the world get to you. The only people that should matter to you are those who care for you.  And there are.
  BY the way Electric shock therapy has caused people to lose their mind and live like zombies.(read about it somewhere)

P.S. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help much. So Please love YOURSELF

[EchelonHunt]

Missing your old life for the convenience it gave you, the wool pulled over your eyes so you could not see who you really are...

The kind of blindness that leaves you blissfully unaware of the problems bubbling underneath the surface...

Surely, if you were to continue your old life to the utmost, that you would be in a worse off position than you are now?

You were living a lie and now the truth has burst out of the closet, it hurts.

Yes, the truth will always hurt, my dear. 

But do not be afraid, do not turn the other cheek, for it is the truth that will set you free, letting you spread your wings to fly.

Acceptance of yourself and allowing yourself to grieve over your past will help smooth over this obstacle in your path.

You will not have an easy path ahead of you, neither any one of us here does - but please remember, you have the support of this community behind you.

The future may look uncertain and dark but you are not alone.

You will never be alone.

[ativan]

Missing your old life for the convenience it gave you, the wool pulled over your eyes so you could not see who you really are...
The kind of blindness that leaves you blissfully unaware of the problems bubbling underneath the surface...

*This.
It isn't very hard to see that there is more to this than what you let on or may even realize.
It leaves me more concerned than your difficulties with HRT and now you're giving up on what you have already worked for.
The answers you seek, beyond the attention you crave are abundant, yet you run away from them,... Why?
I have to ask myself the question and so should you, what is this really about?
Not the superficial comments of this and that, but the reason you even bring them up in various ways...
If you don't want to take and use the advice you're getting, even to consider it, consider that the problem runs deeper than you know.

I did get the kayak yesterday. Now to look over the satellite views of miles of river with very few access points along the way, again.
Very few places to seek help along the way should anything go wrong. Escape routes on land planned out, should I need them.
Where the river will run faster as it narrows and where it will run slower as it widens. This is all useful information.
I'll finalize my plans as best I can and know where to go should things suddenly change and a different plan needs to be made.
I think my cell phone will stay in range, but I won't rely on it. My decisions will always be to move forward, to flow with the river.
I'll stop and rest if need be, but there is no turning back, only a long walk carrying the load I ride in, the things I carry, should I change my mind.
Such is life. We get back what we put into it. Even if it means plunging headfirst into it after going over a fall.
I know my limits, I choose to step past them at times, it's how I still grow after all these years of trying to just be me.
I've also learned to use safety equipment, but to not have to rely on them, only hope at best that they will keep me a little safer.
Such is life. I have a lot of stories I could tell, none of them as important as anyone elses. But they are to me, they are mine.
I earned them, I took my path a step further than I needed to. I'm glad I did. I overcame the fear of living by facing death.
Both others and mine. I chose to step over it, around it, to move beyond it. Yet it's a constant companion on my path, now.
But it was nothing more than taking one more step, each one a step further than I thought I should and could. That's my plan.
It's worked pretty well over the last six decades. Lot's of refining and redefining. I think I'll stick with it. Such is life.
Ativan

[Umiko]

maybe i'm being shallow again. i know i'm running away and not because i cant get HRT because i can, its just, guilt is eating me away even more. just last night we went out to get junk food and my mother met up with an old friend. it was like she was so proud to finally have 2 sons and 2 daughters, it ate at me more than usual. its like i'm destroying that dream of hers she had the day i even stepped into her home and became part of the family. even the pleading from her not to get surgery done or that she wants me to just live as i am. i've been feeling very triggered lately and i can say after last week, it has gotten to a point i even thought about suicide. if i go back to my old life, maybe i could live longer and learn to be happy or at least fake it to the point my brain surrenders.

[ativan]

I get that, I understand it in my own way.
The sense of responsibility to live up to a mothers idea of who you should be.
You can do that, and know that you made her happy in the way she knows you.
I had to go through some of that with my mother. It was hard to live up to expectations.
Society dictates that you do...
Your sense of self tells you otherwise.
My mother accepted me and my lifestyle after a while.
The more she learned, the more she accepted, the more freedom it brought to her.
She told me one day that when she finally considered what I had to say, it made sense to her.
It changed her thinking enough for her to accept a lot of things she wouldn't have, otherwise.
In allowing me to grow and to be me, she allowed herself to do the same for the things she wanted out of life.
She gained a sense of freedom that allowed me to have mine as well.

We all have our triggers. I have ones that bring on the thoughts of suicide that I used to have.
That can also bring on the thoughts out of the past, that I wish I could go back to at times.
My heart aches for the memories of when my girls were young and we were a family.
But I lost that years ago and we were separated because of their mother and her beliefs that had grown differently than mine.
They're grown now, one is on her own the other one not far behind. I'm proud of what they have accomplished.
That past is gone, how can I go back there? It would be really nice if I could. But I wouldn't even try if it were possible.
I would be in an endless cycle of going from there to here and back again, always knowing it's going to happen again.

Trying to force your life to fit expectations is a dangerous game, one that will always fail, you will never be the self you know.
What can we do to help you find a better path to take, one that is yours, one that you will grow by taking?
I ask these questions to myself and to others...
What are you going to do today? What is the next step that can be taken? What is needed to move forward?

You can't fake a life, it won't let you. You will always be standing at the edge of the next step forward.

What are you going to do today?

I'm going to go and fit my new kayak to me, make the adjustments to make it fit me.
I'm going to think about what I have it for, it scares me.
There's a sense of freedom that goes with being scared.
Because I know I can and will, step past it, step past that line, the edge.
Even though a part of me tells me to play it safe, don't step over the edge.
If I don't, that sense of freedom will fade, I know it will. I've done that before.
But I've learned to step past the fear, to step out of my comfort zone and into my life.
Ill tell my mother about it the next time I talk to her. She understands what that freedom is.
Ativan

[janetcgtv]

Brianna:

Is it really love, if your Mom wants you to be a boy when you are a girl on the inside. You would be living a lie if you try live your life if others expect you to be a boy. Eventually you will end up killing yourself, take drugs, get drunk. By the way both drugs and/or getting drunk can kill you.You should love yourself on who you are on the inside. When your Mom knows who you are she will accept you, if she truly loves you. What if you had a genetic condition where you would get MS. Would your Mom throw you out? Would that be your Mom loving you? I don't think so. She would love you and take care of you.

If there was a pill that would destroy being transgender but if the world(also your mom) would say its OK to be transgender would you take that pill?

[Umiko]

Brianna:

Is it really love, if your Mom wants you to be a boy when you are a girl on the inside. You would be living a lie if you try live your life if others expect you to be a boy. Eventually you will end up killing yourself, take drugs, get drunk. By the way both drugs and/or getting drunk can kill you.You should love yourself on who you are on the inside. When your Mom knows who you are she will accept you, if she truly loves you. What if you had a genetic condition where you would get MS. Would your Mom throw you out? Would that be your Mom loving you? I don't think so. She would love you and take care of you.

If there was a pill that would destroy being transgender but if the world(also your mom) would say its OK to be transgender would you take that pill?

well she did say as long as i know what i'm getting to and its something i really must do. if there was a pill like that, i would take it but i dont think it would help since its so far deeply ingrained that i'll feel like there is most of me missing. i pass all the time on the phone, if i have my hood up and no one can see my face, its easy to mistake me for a girl and even without my hood, if i posture myself a certain way and have my hair a certain way, i can pass because of my voice. when i'm in boy mode, i feel like i'm sitting on a throne where nothing can touch me, but when i'm in girl mode, i feel like a stranger. dont be mistaken because when i do go girl mode, 'm more outgoing, more talkative, i have more energy, i feel as if i can tackle the world, but i'm more emotional to the point i would cry from just a single word. i become afraid of things i'm normal not scared of such as 8 legged creatures like spiders or no legged creatures like slugs. in boy mode, i'm not scared of anything, i'm highly apathetic, i'm more angry, i prefer to be alone and i'm less likely to want to get out of bed. with that said, either way, i dont feel like i belong at all

[Missy~rmdlm]

I'm not sure what others have told you or how you got to "now." It's never my recommendation to transition or get treatment outside of therapy. In short it might be a great idea to live as close to happy as you can get going forward. To me it's distressing that there is no fully going back, and if taking normal HT, sterility etc. That's a high price to pay for learning that oneself isn't really going to be better off transitioned. The catch is "successful" transition has documentable costs too. It comes back to: don't do it if you don't have to.

[Jessica Merriman]

I'm not sure what others have told you or how you got to "now." It's never my recommendation to transition or get treatment outside of therapy. In short it might be a great idea to live as close to happy as you can get going forward. To me it's distressing that there is no fully going back, and if taking normal HT, sterility etc. That's a high price to pay for learning that oneself isn't really going to be better off transitioned. The catch is "successful" transition has documentable costs too. It comes back to: don't do it if you don't have to.

YES! YES! YES!

Brianna you are not anywhere close to being able to have a successful transition in my humble opinion. You have a LOT that needs to be worked out before HRT is even considered. If you are this conflicted now how in the world could you handle this plus the new experiences and emotions of HRT thrown into it? You really need to put any thoughts of HRT on the back shelf for now. I have always tried to support you here and in PMs and part of supporting you is bringing out realistic expectations. Until your emotional state is a lot more stable you need to concentrate on them and nothing else right now. When you are more stable, yes, go for it, but not right this minute. 

[Umiko]

YES! YES! YES!

Brianna you are not anywhere close to being able to have a successful transition in my humble opinion. You have a LOT that needs to be worked out before HRT is even considered. If you are this conflicted now how in the world could you handle this plus the new experiences and emotions of HRT thrown into it? You really need to put any thoughts of HRT on the back shelf for now. I have always tried to support you here and in PMs and part of supporting you is bringing out realistic expectations. Until your emotional state is a lot more stable you need to concentrate on them and nothing else right now. When you are more stable, yes, go for it, but not right this minute. 

i'm well aware of that thus why i'm deciding to choice personal comfort or at least what i see as comfort over what would be personal happiness. bummer really but i rather stay off this roller coaster. i'm not even going to start from the beginning. i'm just going to move on and just go for other issues i'm dealing with

[Jessica Merriman]

i'm well aware of that thus why i'm deciding to choice personal comfort or at least what i see as comfort over what would be personal happiness. bummer really but i rather stay off this roller coaster. i'm not even going to start from the beginning. i'm just going to move on and just go for other issues i'm dealing with

So does this mean you are no longer considering transition?