My family is going to be the death of me, and I don't know what to do...

[androgynouspainter26]

This past month has landed me in my own personal hell, and it's really becoming too much to deal with.  I had an amazing job lined up this summer-great pay, housing, everything I needed to live on my own.  Then, right out of the blue I was fired on my first week.  They told me it was because my work wasn't adequate (which is true-I was still learning the ropes that first week), but I have a suspicion it had something to do with one of the actresses not wanting a transgender woman as her dresser, which is just infuriating.  It's illegal, it's wrong, and I hate everything I am because of it.  Now I'm back home, and I'm just caught in a never-ending despair.

Being around my parents is bringing out every single mental health problem I've ever had-just the other day, I had a very ugly panic attack.  The next day, I had another one.  And the day after that.  Just being around them brings out something very ugly in me-hatred.  I hate my mother and my father.  I hate them for the decisions they made about my education, for the fact that they simply ignored my gender issues as a child, only for them to emerge years later, and now I'm basically beyond hope for a successful transition.  Because of them, I will never be pretty.  I hate them for the fact that they are completely emotionally unavailable.  Most of all though, I hate them for the fact that they have pinned every unhappiness in their lives on me-and I can't convince myself that they aren't right.  I can't shake this feeling that I've ruined their lives, and that they'd be so much better off if I was out of their lives-or no longer alive, even. 

Being home like this is even worse because I'm just so isolated.  I don't have any friends in baltimore left, and I just can't find a way to meet anyone.  I feel like everything I'm facing, I'm facing completely alone.  I suppose that's true-I never had any support transitioning from day one (except one friend, but we hardly see one another).  I've done everything alone, and I'm getting so tired.  Every day is a fight for me, and without anyone to lean on who doesn't require my insurance information I just feel like everything good slipping away, and the only thing I can see ahead is further darkness.  And I really don't know where to turn for support-I don't have/can't find a significant other, because in the eyes of most everyone I'm an aberration, a six foot oddity with broad shoulders and a Y chromosome.  I have so few friends left, and I worry that if I rely on them for support I'm going to push them all away; it's happened to me more than once before.  And my family will just ask me if I remembered to take my anti-depressant, and then shrug.

Worst of all is my dysphoria.  I just hit my two year trans-iversary, and I know I've already made it so far-16 months on hormones, two years full time (right after I came out), and I know that I've made huge strides compared to many others.  But I still feel like I'm not in a place that is acceptable.  I'm still gendered as male sometimes.  Even when I spend an hour on my makeup, I can't pass fora "real" woman. I hate my body...16 months on hormones, and I haven't even cracked an A cup.  My skin is softer, and I have enough tummy fat to hide my hips, but besides that I can't notice any differences.  My transition has failed, if this is as good as it can get.  I don't feel much better about my body, my gender still feels like a shallow front.  What little joy comes from being true to myself is completely negated by the isolation that's come along with it.  At least when I was still living as male, I was treated like a human being, and I would have been able to be...attractive.  I just feel so ugly, so unworthy of anyone else's love.  My parents don't love me, none of my partners have ever loved me-I can't help but wonder if I'm simply not worthy of it from anyone.

I'm so sorry for the wall of text, but I'm at my wits end.  I can't help but dwell on these thoughts.  I know for certain that my dysphoria is becoming a terminal condition, and I just can't live with it anymore.  There's a constant voice in the back of my mind telling me to give in, and to finally end it.  It's not a thought I want to indulge-but then again, does anyone really want kill themselves?  It has more to do with pain control than anything.  For now, I haven't given up hope, but what hope I have left is quickly wearing thin.  I know that I can't live like this much longer.  The happy future I saw for myself two years ago has been shattered on the pavement below me.  This is where my life is right now.  And I just can't see my life getting any better than this.

Thanks for putting up with my shamefully long rant,
Sasha

[Hikari]

Rant all you want, no need to apologize, I am happy to read what you write, it isn't some sort of burden.

What I do know is this, everyone is worthy of love. At times I have echoed your sentiments that I am unworthy of love, but, when I realized I was worthy my life improved quite a bit. You have accomplished amazing things, and you should be proud of yourself; I came out four years ago, been on hormones for 5 months, and I am still not full time. To me this means you are a far stronger person than you let on, it just seems like loneliness is causing you pain.

Please never give up hope, too many have lost their lives already.

I understand the pain of isolation well, if you ever need anyone to talk to you can always PM me. Also, while I am superbusy IRL (I am only home one maybe two days a week), if you need someone to hang with I might be available, I am in Northern VA, not terribly far from B'more. I have amazing friends and a great support system now, but it would be nice to talk to someone who really understands dysphoria. My current friends try and understand, but I know it is kinda weird for them.

[Annabella]

AndroPaint... I'm not sure how to shorten your name.. what would you like to be called?

I can completely relate. I am not nearly as far along as you, but I find myself being forced to live (at least for the moment) in an environment where my gender identity is not accepted. I am not able to present as female, and was twice yesterday told to regrow my facial hair and shave my head.

Most people do not understand what it feels like. We do, because we're going through it too. You will come out of it. You will be OK. Hoping this is just a bump in the road for you dear.

Also, AFAICS you're doing quite well for yourself in the visual department. It is part and parcel of our dysphoria to feel like the we don't or won't pass. Some of the prettiest people I have seen here, I have seen complain about not passing. Regardless of that, you deserve to have a face and body YOU are happy with, so keep working on whatever will make you feel better about yourself. We will be here with you, all doing the same, and all swearing we can't pass.

*hugs if you want them*
-Anna

[androgynouspainter26]

Thanks, both of you. 

I know I'm farther along than so many others, and I've been fortunate, so I feel rotten being down on myself when so many other people are farther behind than I am.  I'm so sorry for what you two are facing (Hikari, totally feel free to PM!  I don't really know how to access that feature)  I don't think I'm brave though-just that I had nothing left to lose when I began my transition-my family and I were already at one another's necks, I had no friends (what happens when you've been waiting two years to get out of school and live as yourself?  You start to get very, very bitchy), no real boyfriend or girlfriend...All I had was a plan.  Of course, that plan involved me passing all the time by this point, and accepting that a plan like this has derailed is always difficult.  A part of me thinks I'd have been happier almost, if passibility didn't seem in reach.  I either would transition and accept things as they were, or not transition at all.  But right now, I'm chasing this dream that has a minuscule chance of becoming real: That one day, I will look in the mirror and just see a girl.  And that someone else will see me as one too.

Not that it really matters, but I don't actually look that great.  This is a really great photo from a really great angle.  I was wearing extensive makeup, my eyebrows were raised and my cheeks were sucked in, and I used a lighting filter.  My shoulders are broad, I'm very tall, and my face is still in that odd androgynous phase.  Plus, alongside what other people my age look like after a year and a half of HRT, I'm certainly not doing well by comparison.

Thanks for the kindness, and the hugs.  It's exactly what I needed.
-Sasha

[TheQuestion]

Thanks, both of you. 

I know I'm farther along than so many others, and I've been fortunate, so I feel rotten being down on myself when so many other people are farther behind than I am.  I'm so sorry for what you two are facing (Hikari, totally feel free to PM!  I don't really know how to access that feature)  I don't think I'm brave though-just that I had nothing left to lose when I began my transition-my family and I were already at one another's necks, I had no friends (what happens when you've been waiting two years to get out of school and live as yourself?  You start to get very, very bitchy), no real boyfriend or girlfriend...All I had was a plan.  Of course, that plan involved me passing all the time by this point, and accepting that a plan like this has derailed is always difficult.  A part of me thinks I'd have been happier almost, if passibility didn't seem in reach.  I either would transition and accept things as they were, or not transition at all.  But right now, I'm chasing this dream that has a minuscule chance of becoming real: That one day, I will look in the mirror and just see a girl.  And that someone else will see me as one too.

Not that it really matters, but I don't actually look that great.  This is a really great photo from a really great angle.  I was wearing extensive makeup, my eyebrows were raised and my cheeks were sucked in, and I used a lighting filter.  My shoulders are broad, I'm very tall, and my face is still in that odd androgynous phase.  Plus, alongside what other people my age look like after a year and a half of HRT, I'm certainly not doing well by comparison.

Thanks for the kindness, and the hugs.  It's exactly what I needed.
-Sasha

I think you look great in your avatar, like really great.  Regardless of whether it's a good picture, it shows that you have the potential to at least take a picture like that.  I'm about to start HRT and it's also because I feel that I have nothing to loose.  I'm 6'0" and have 17.5" shoulders.  My hands are also disgustingly huge and veiny (yours look pretty small).  I'm afraid that I won't pass as a real woman either, but I have to try.  I can be attractive as a guy and it's a little scary to essentially be throwing that away...

I keep seeing other girls who are in the same boat as me.  I'm exactly the same.  I'm afraid that I won't ever find anyone who would want to have a relationship with me.  I've also sort of isolated myself to the point where pretty much all my friends are gone.  I went trough college and have pushed it a couple more years just hoping I could figure things out.  I wasn't really making connections like I should have been.  My relationship with my family has gotten horrible too.  I'm angry all the time and it's sort of made me hate them; which I don't like.

You can lean on me if you'd like.  PM me anytime.  I too sort of feel like there's no one else to listen who isn't requesting my insurance information.

And again, you look really pretty regardless...