a few questions

[crystals]

so up untill lately i was on a very basic dose of hrt but was still on hrt and i had to detransition for a few reasons.. of corse i did expect my gender dysphoria to go full ham on me and cause me a lot of trouble. but obviously its not any easier to do than to think. and its more then consuming me by now after i stoped taking hrt for already a month or so
i cant say i regret detransitioning because i took my time to decide to do it while promising to start transitioning in around a year [im still rather young but experience very brutal dysphoria]
pretty much nothing i have tried to calm myself down when im being very dysphoric worked
i listen to music 24/7 i do things i enjoy i talk to friends i play games that i like but at the same time i do all of those im feeling like im being consumed by those emotions and feelings

i got to ask is there any kind of medication i that i can ask my doctor for that might calm it down a notch? i assume there is not but still better to ask
and if not any better ways to deal with it?
obviously many others here had to detransition once or twice.. how did you deal with the even stronger dysphoria fueled by the pain of having to detransition in the first place?

thanks.. crystalz

[helen2010]

crystals

did you try or consider trying lower dose hrt.  It can still take away or at the lowest doses take the edge of the dysphoria, maintain some of the emotional benefit without significant physical change.  Other than this I suppose feminisation to achieve a more andro mode if you are binary male, or vv if you are not, would certainly help.  This helps me as did cross dressing.  The low dose and the feminisation has helped me into a very liveable and powerful space which reflects my non binary nature. 

Safe travels

Aisla

[helen2010]

forgot to add that my endo had me try half the starting dose of E, then no spiro, then half dose E and various combinations above and beyond the starting dose.  It works for me but depends upon your objectives and constraints

Hope you find a way of dealing with this

Safe travels

Aisla

[Ms Grace]

I was such a mess at the time I don't know exactly. I think I found something to be utterly engrossed in and smothered it with a massive load of self-denial. Worked for over twenty years.

[crystals]

like i mentioned on the post.. i was on a basic dose wich is like the first size dose you can ever get
and then medical issues came up and things started to mess up left and right doors shut down in my face and just decided to detransition.. i was on it for 7 months so barely any feminisation was made
when i do come back on hrt i probably going to tell my doctor i prefer injections over pills
note i am rather terrified with needles but i am working on this so hopefully things go better the second time around
but its going to be at least 1 year from now[im enlisted into a service program that i only need to do 1 more year to get very good benefits and a lot of money from so that will help me even more] but now untill then i need to stay alive and sane

Mod edit: no doses please.

[crystals]

note for the "wondering" i am mtf at the age of 20 currently almost 21

[Jera]

It sounds a lot to me like you're talking about rather intense anxiety. Do you think that might have something to do with it?

If so, there ARE anxiety medications out there that can "take the edge off" those thoughts that just refuse to go away. Your mileage may vary though, because those kind of dull everything, not just anxiety. It made me feel like a robot, and I hated that. But that's a good solution for some people.

Without medication, it still is possible to break those overwhelming thought patterns. For me, it's usually some form of meditation. It is, however, very very difficult before you figure out the method that works best for you, especially when you're in the middle of an episode. The hardest part about it is to realize that nothing seems to work within the first few minutes, so you really have to keep trying at it.

Hopefully this is at least some help. I wish you the best.

[crystals]

i too rather not use dulling medication as i do volunteer in a place i need to put attention and help with chores around the place and it demands focus
that is why i was assuming its not possible to keep annoying/painfull emotions at bay but at the same time being completly at charge of your body knowing what you are doing. meditation might be a good way to calm the only problem is? i dont realy know how it works and to what extent it keeps you calm. a link explaining those things can be good and if we are not allowed to post links on public posts please do send it to me on private
i did be happy to any other suggestions and advice from even more experienced [than me] people

[Jera]

No need to go outside these forums, actually, there's a really nice post describing some guided meditation here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,122320.msg956290.html#msg956290

There's no one single way to meditate, but the main principles described in that post are pretty common among most techniques. Take from it what works best for you.

The thing about meditation is, while it can certainly help calm you down in the moment, its real strength comes from the self-awareness it grants you. If you practice and grow more effective with it, that awareness can be a huge key to knowing just what exactly you're feeling. And with that awareness comes some measure of control.

If you're interested in trying meditation, it might be best to practice at first when you're feeling relatively calm. It's really hard to do for the first time when your emotions are already in turmoil. Keep at it, though, and you might notice a huge difference the next time the overwhelming emotions kick down that mental door.

[crystals]

and regarding anxiety
i know it is not anxiety as in other subjects regarding my body/look and perception of society on me and how i want to look and be compared to what i look like now
on those other subjects im very calm and self controlled. but when it comes to body and other related to gender dysphoria subjects i become very distorted and fragile
im already at a point i know myself a lot more then i used to in the past and i sence its nothing but hatred and negation of my body and look
i do have small anxiety on other stuff but its not at a massive point as in i can break this anxiety by will

and thanks jera i will check out this link you sent
been very curious about meditation for a while but never got to look into it.. guess there is a first time for everything

[Handy]

I was such a mess at the time I don't know exactly. I think I found something to be utterly engrossed in and smothered it with a massive load of self-denial. Worked for over twenty years.

^^^ this ^^^

I'd find a hobby to consume my every thought. It's how I learned C++, Java, a host of graphics APIs, more, more, and more. Anything cold and rigorous, physics, mathematics, engineering stuff, etc. I just would sit there from daybreak to bedtime doing tutorial after tutorial reading paper after paper reading book after book. It did me a world of good, as when the semester was in I'd do literally nothing but study (pause for even a moment and dysphoria would catch me). But eventually we all crash, and I realized I just couldn't beat it no matter how hard I ran away from it.

so, yes the dysphoria will catch up with you (well, it's very likely); that said, burying my thoughts in really involved technical stuff did wonders for me, and helped me stave off the crash for as long as possible.

[Jera]

Only you can really know for sure. Our emotions are complex things, and often it's more than one thing going on. A professional therapist can be a really good tool to help you find out.

The reason I thought it was anxiety is because those kinds of feelings of overwhelming, unwanted thoughts you can't get rid of (regardless of the actual focus of the thoughts) are a pretty big hallmark of anxiety disorders. It was a lot harder for me to deal with when I didn't recognize my anxiety as anxiety.

If you'd like to consider simpler, or just different, forms of meditation, please do feel free to ask.

Whatever is going on, I pray you find the answers you seek. Best wishes.

[crystals]

i have read all the meditation part of the link you sent me jera
thank you very much i would of never found this without you! only by reading those descriptions i got a little calmed down and i will be sure to try this once to feel it on my own

[crystals]

i got a few questions regarding meditation but i prefer to talk in private so please expect private massaging jera