Hey,
I read your post, and though I have transitioned, I understand where you're coming from completely! It sounds to me that you might be what you could call "gender nonconforming"-that is, you don't like society's imposed, constructed rules about gender and the things you like doing seem to fall across gender lines. I think the first step for you would be to act in a more traditionally "masculine way"-see how you feel doing that, and if it makes you at ease. It might just be that you feel more comfortable living as a butch woman, one who doesn't care about the societal constructs around gender. Or, you might be trans. If you feel like you'd be happier living as male, you almost certainly are! I didn't experience body dysphoria until later on in my journey, I had buried it under so many layers of self-resentment. But slowly moving into a role you're more comfortable with is certainly the first step. You'll find an identity that suits you in time-just keep exploring who you'd like to be.
Best,
Sasha
