Would it be wrong of me to go on T?

[OrangishOrange]

A little bit of background information...
I came out as a trans male/trans masculine January of 2013. I knew almost immediately that I needed to get top surgery, but was very adamant that I didn't want to go on T. However, in the past couple of months, I've been thinking that I do need to start HRT.

I have some dysphoria when I look in the mirror, but it doesn't compare to the panic of being out in public. My dysphoria heightens immensely when I think of everyone looking at me and seeing me as a girl. I wish my face was different; I wish my voice was different; I wish my curves were different, and so on. However, when I come home, the pressure to be more masculine isn't nearly as pressing. I feel like I'll be relatively okay as long as I get top surgery and I don't interact with people or leave my house. And that thought is kind of freaking me out because I don't want to go on T for the sake of other people. I want to do it because I personally need it in order to look in the mirror and actually see my real self reflected back at me. If I was alone I probably wouldn't go on T, but because we live in a social environment, I feel like I need T to function properly in it.
So, I guess my questions are:
If the main reason I want to go on T is because of dysphoria in social interactions, is that a valid reason to go through with HRT?
And has anyone else had similar experiences or feelings towards any part of their transition?


Oh, and I guess this might also be relevant:
When I got my first masculine hair cut, I almost couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror because of how feminine my face was in comparison to my hair. When I was alone and saw part of myself being very masculine, I couldn't stand that the rest of me wasn't the same. However, with my hair longer and more girly/little boy-ish looking, it's SO much easier to tolerate my girly features.
Either way, I'm planning on waiting a year to officially make any permanent decisions, but, I just... I don't know, I'm really confused right now.

[Kreuzfidel]

Are you seeing a therapist at all? 

I ask because I am adamantly opposed to medical treatment, especially the kind that results in irreversible changes, being a part of self-exploration. 

At the end of the day, you're the only person who can answer this question.  I think that there probably are a few other guys, even on this forum, who have felt similarly to what you're describing.  But I think that, in cases like this, seeing a professional is definitely advisable.

[OrangishOrange]

Are you seeing a therapist at all? 

I ask because I am adamantly opposed to medical treatment, especially the kind that results in irreversible changes, being a part of self-exploration. 

At the end of the day, you're the only person who can answer this question.  I think that there probably are a few other guys, even on this forum, who have felt similarly to what you're describing.  But I think that, in cases like this, seeing a professional is definitely advisable.

I am seeing a therapist, but this is the first time I've put those feeling into comprehensible statements, so I haven't explained it as accurately to her as I have on this post. Pretty much all that I've said to her is, "Sometimes I really want to be on T, but sometimes I'm not so sure." And she tells me similar things to what you've said, that I'm the only one who can truly say if I need it or not.

[CursedFireDean]

I understand what you're saying man, I feel much greater social dysphoria when it comes to T-related features than my own personal dysphoria. A lot of my uncomfortable feelings stem from other people. And I've wondered the same thing- is that a good reason to go on T?
Well I can say for me personally that the fact of the matter is that I will never be happy in life avoiding people if I don't take T. T will improve my happiness in life, and even if it makes me happier because of how other people view me, I need it. Without T, I am very sure that I would one day no longer be able to function in society, and that is not how I want to live. I want to be able to meet new people and be confident in myself. Some people can completely disregard others, but the fact of the matter is that other people's perception of me is important too, and if being misgendered and not looking my age is going to be what gives me feelings of suicide, then I will do whatever I can to get rid of that dysphoria. I'm definitely not saying you need to think about suicide to be on T, definitely not, but for me personally I know I have the greatest chance of thinking about it because of social dysphoria, and if dysphoria makes someone feel that way then I think hormones or surgery are probably a good idea. I definitely cannot speak for you, you must make the decision, but I just thought input from someone with a similar experience may help.

[blink]

I feel like I'll be relatively okay as long as I get top surgery and I don't interact with people or leave my house.

Have you considered whether that is a realistic, viable option for the rest of your life? I'm not being sarcastic. Try to think pragmatically. You might find a way of doing this would actually be how you want to live, or you might decide it's not feasible for you.

If someone is providing monetarily for all your needs, without you even interacting with them, you need a back-up plan. People get tired of taking care of another person and getting nothing in return, no matter how much they might say right now they don't mind. People also get sick or disabled. People die.

If you are independently wealthy, and can therefore afford to do things like buy all food and daily necessities online without working ever again for the rest of your life, you'll still have to interact in some capacity with delivery people, and repair/maintenance workers, unless you are capable of fixing any electrical, plumbing, or other issues that come up with your house over the years... or are willing to live in a deteriorating house as long as the internet is working (for placing orders).

If you want to homestead, that will still require interaction with others at least to set up. Homesteading requires a lot of skills and work. Straight-up living in the wilderness without homesteading also requires a lot of skills and work, with fewer comforts than homesteading provides.

In all these scenarios and any others, add in dental and medical needs over the years. Like with a house, there will be upkeep needed or things deteriorate. Without medical care it's very possible to die from something easily treatable.

It's not really "doing it for other people" if it's a matter of your own quality of life. Consider the practical aspects and talk it over in detail with your therapist how you want your life to be. Take as much time as you need to think it through thoroughly.

[Tysilio]

It's not really "doing it for other people" if it's a matter of your own quality of life.

This, a hundred times over.

We're social beings -- being around other people is, I think, a biological necessity for us. People get really weird when they're completely isolated; it's unhealthy. If you need to be seen as male to feel OK when you're out in the world, T will help with that, so it's absolutely something you'd be doing for yourself.

[jamesdoran]

People experience different types/levels of dysphoria.
For some guys, it's mainly when they are alone and looking at themselves in the mirror, etc.
For others, it's other people's perception of them as female.
It's nothing to be ashamed of if you are mostly okay with yourself when you're alone.
But like other people have said, you need to take into consideration if you will be able to manage living a solitary lifestyle.
I would definitely talk more in depth to your therapist and see what she has to say.

[aleon515]

Yes, I think that we live in a social world and it is hard to divorce ourselves from a social existence, and we can't anyway. I have never been able to do the "if I were on an island and was the only person in the world would I still want to transition" because it actually makes no sense to me. I think that you probably do describe a lot of people here, I mean your experience is not that different.

However, only you can really decide what's right for you.
Therapy can be very useful for this.

--Jay

[Felix]

I was like that to varying degrees at different times before going on testosterone. I actually liked a lot of my female characteristics and might have been happy to go on enjoying my body the way it was (other than the breasts, which gave me intense dysphoria even when I was alone), but I was uncomfortable with always being seen as either a lesbian or a juvenile (or both). I was also afraid of testosterone, having grown up with the rabidly antidrug DARE campaigns we had in public schools in the U.S in the 80s. It's hard to shake the idea that T will make your penis shrink and your breasts lactate, even for someone who has no typical penis and no fear of breastmilk. I was also afraid of looking bearish, and I was afraid of becoming dependent on any kind of needle drug, and I was afraid of obesity and aggression and any other possible problem. Eventually my progress with other aspects of transition made hrt seem less scary, and I wanted my body to better match my identity so I went on it.

I think you are wise to be cautious with such a permanent step. Keep in mind though that how you proceed is about you and what you need. There's not going to be a path that pleases everyone or solves all the problems.

[JourneyFromConfusion]

Social dysphoria is definitely an aspect of being transgender. HOWEVER, if your only reason for going on T would be to be better, you need to rethink some things. I'm not saying you're not trans or anything, but realize that social pressures can make people feel they need to change and like someone else said, taking medication/doing anything that has irreversible changes isn't something to play with. Seeing a therapist and talking this out would be my first and strongest advice. The clinic I go to allows informed consent so people can definitely get hormones without a diagnosis, but I'm personally an advocate of knowing yourself.

I personally dealt with this a bit myself before coming out, which is why I'd been hesitant to begin T. If you're seemingly okay with your features outside the eye of the public, maybe it has more to do with the perception of femininity than anything? Taking testosterone isn't something to think of lightly, especially considering that after a certain point, changes will happen that you cannot change back. You can always go on a low dosage to feel it out as I have seen many blogs/YouTube posts about trans men not being 100% sure of being on T until after they'd begun and finally felt at home within themselves. My personal viewpoint is this: Taking T/changing yourself should be done for YOU. I truly didn't understand this until I tried viewing myself in the future and realizing what I did and didn't like about me and what needed to change. I don't care about how others perceive me as much as I care about being happy within myself.

To make a long post short: Talk to a therapist if possible. Explain all these emotions, all this confusion. Talk it out with them and really research testosterone before going on it.

[ryanjoseph]

i don't think there's anything wrong with it. i've kind of thought the same way for awhile. i think the difference is that, when you're alone, you know that you're not a girl. it's okay to want affirmations from other people, too.