Questioning the value of my life...

[Auroramarianna]

Disclaimer: Please don't read this if you're feeling blue, I really have no intention of depressing anyone, and this are rather negative confessions.

I wake up every day, and look at the mirror, and I just feel ugly, so ugly. Like a ugly duckling, but who never actually becomes pretty.

I was once a really happy, vivacious and fun-loving kid, but when I look back at the mirror I see no trace of her, she's gone forever and I can't go back to find her. My once shiny and happy eyes have lost all of its life, I now just drag myself out of the bed every morning, I do the possible to deal with dysphoria (shaving legs, armpits, plucking, lotions, etc etc) but I just do the possible to survive and get by one more day. It's not like I am even living life.

And it's funny, because I don't even realize just how lucky I am. I have a very high voice, a fairly feminine face and my body is not masculine at all, yet I'm still here complaining about my life, when I should be thankful my mom hasn't disowned me for being trans. I had been going to a therapist since my 14 to treat my depression and I finally could talk to someone about my body and what bothered me about it.

Finally, when I come out to her, she had the most explosive reaction ever and just started crying, she took me out of the therapist (I really liked her) and now I'm going to a new one, to be evaluated cognitively and emotionally and it's funny because she criticized my other therapist because she did not involve her in anything, but here I am now and she has no intention of actually explaining what's going on wih me to the therapist and psychiatric, since they treated my "gender problem" as a non-issue. Now it's like nothing happened, my mom doesn't even take me seriously, it's like I never told this. She thinks a new therapist will fix everything, also she believes I am sick so she has to "help me get over this".

And it doesn't get better. My parents basically forced me to go to Science class, when I wanted Literature and Languages but I was very indecisive and they told me they'd better enrol me in a public school because Literature and Languages doesn't give employment to anyone, anyway. So I actually went with what they said, and my mom filled in the questionnaire for me putting Science as a first option.

It backfired totally. But obviously I was the one who had to put up with everything. Bullying, social exclusion, never had the child in me felt so mistreated, so abandonned (my friends are not in that god damn school, and my previous friend of middle schooljust abandonned me), they didn't even know me but that didn't prevent them from badmouthing and excluding me. Even after i became friendlier and nice (and I know people are not obligued to like me), I was left out from every project like I never belonged there, it was ridiculous, the teachers had to point out my existence, it hurt sooo bad. And I got really bad grades at Science subjects and excelled in writing, and languages. I don't think I should ever taken their advice, since not only I was not meant to be in Science but in Literature and Languages people are so much nicer, and accepting.

And it's funny because my mom noticed I had basically no social life all these horrible three years. And yet she didn't do anything, but now that I have come out, she seems all worried. But what she is worried about? That I am an abnormal freak? That I have so little friends and a stupid, meaningless life? Because I honestly don't know, I really doubt, if she had been all that worried she would have taken action before, I think she believes I am to blame for refusing to conform to normality but I am not that sure. She criticizes my previous therapist for not involving her in a process that was so violent and radical, but.... how could my mom expect to be involved if she just stayed in her car waiting for the session to finish? I don't understand, there has to be some contradiction here and it's just so ironic.

My friends. I have so few. But on that school (which btw is catholic, oh I love the hipocrisy) most friends have ever had use me and abuse me in some way and then throw me out when they longer need me, and they never apologize. My true friends are not in this school.

I guess I should be over this, but I am not. My life truly sucks, it really does, and it's funny because I would have probably killed by myself by now wasn't it my huge fear of death and my family, whom I don't want to hurt. those are the only reasons that keep living, I literally don't have that much to live for.

I guess I should be over this, but I can't. It's hard dealing with wasted teenage years, and all that has happened to me. I feel forever stuck,  I just hope better times come

thank you for reading,
xxx

[Cindy]

It sounds so trite to say this - it gets better.

I was gang raped, prostituted and addicted.

I crawled.

I lived in the gutter.

Life gets better.

I have had friends kill themselves.
I counsel people who were so abused it makes me want to vomit

Life gets better.

I have walked many miles with the Black Dog

Life gets better.

For many years I could not get out of bed, the depression was too great.

Life gets better.

I'm now a fully functional woman. Happy and proud.

Life got better

Be proud, fight with all your might.

Life will get better

Cindy

[Ms Grace]

I know the past can feel painful and wasted but what is done is done. All the regret in the world will do nothing to change it. All I can say to you is seize your life now, living in the past stops you from moving forward. You don't want to be in this exact same place in ten year, regretting the last ten years. We don't have a lot of control over our childhood and adolescence but now you are a young adult you can begin to shape your life the way you want to live it, and you don't have to model it after the last ten years. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? How do you want to do it? Cast off the chains of regret and pain and start to live that life today! Make every day count towards that life. That is the value of your life.

[Jera]

I am so sorry to hear this, what you're going through is something I would not wish on anyone.

All I can say is it will get better, even if it seems like it never will. The rest of your life is not what you're going through now. There will come a day when these choices are entirely your own, and your future is entirely up to you, and not your family.

In the meantime, I hope you can find some measure of joy, no matter how small, and no matter how. Finding just one bright spot in your life can help you make it through. Be creative, if you're artistic. I made it through my school years by volunteering at the local homeless shelter. Some of the best friends I've ever had were those who needed help in their own lives, and the needy are some of the most non-judgmental people on the planet. Helping others can give our own lives meaning. Is that something your mother would support?

You're already beautiful, and don't let anyone, even yourself, tell you otherwise.

[Auroramarianna]

I can't seem to write without typos.

Thank you all for your answers

Jera: I have done that in the past, and I liked it. I am loking forward to doing it again

I used to draw, but I'm not reallly that good. I write and read, and I love astrology and Greek Mythology and just reading articles related to psychological in general

Sometimes I feel like going to some place and do something, but what use is it if you have to alone all the time or your friends are unavailable

Also, Cindy, I admire your strength, I don't know if I would be able to overcome the situations you've have to put up with in your life, you are truly brave woman!

EDIT: Helping homeless people is truly a very rewarding people, and they're one of the most understanding people in the planet. They are constanly  forgotten and mistreated, and I can't think of much else that's worse than living on the streets and it makes me rethink about what's the dimension of my struggles compared to these people. And yes, they can be of the most pleasant people to talk to.

[Jera]

It sounds to me like you've got a few things you enjoy. Drawing and writing are great! It doesn't matter if you're good at it, what matters is that you find some joy from these things. That's your value, and your beauty.

Let that beauty shine, and friends will come to you. Maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but they will come.

I share an interest in Greek Mythology. Who's your favorite Greek god or goddess?

[Auroramarianna]

It sounds to me like you've got a few things you enjoy. Drawing and writing are great! It doesn't matter if you're good at it, what matters is that you find some joy from these things. That's your value, and your beauty.

Let that beauty shine, and friends will come to you. Maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but they will come.

I share an interest in Greek Mythology. Who's your favorite Greek god or goddess?

And I do have friends, even if few, but they are the ones I cherish constantly for being there for me even if they are far away sometimes. But I do hope I come to find a social group that I can be accepted in.

And aww, that's just so sweet! I looooove all Gods, but I especially like Persephone, daughter of Zeus and Demeter, who was kidnapped by Hades! What's yours??

xxxx

[Jera]

Persephone is pretty tragic! All that trouble for four little pomegranate seeds...

My favorite is Athene. A lot of people call her the Goddess of wisdom, but that's not quite true. A better translation is cunning, or ingenuity. No matter what she faces, she comes up with the most clever ways to overcome.

[Auroramarianna]

Persephone is pretty tragic! All that trouble for four little pomegranate seeds...

My favorite is Athene. A lot of people call her the Goddess of wisdom, but that's not quite true. A better translation is cunning, or ingenuity. No matter what she faces, she comes up with the most clever ways to overcome.

Oh, I like Athene too, and I love her birth is rather unusual!

I don't think I can pick a God, Mythology is just sooo great what about the three Underworld sister who controlled lifespan on Earth, omgg. I like Aphrodite and Apollo, and I must say the Titans vs Gods war always confused me a little bit

Oh, and I like Diana too! But I don't think that her name in Greek Mythology, but in Roman, anyways I just loove reading the myths and legends

[Jera]

Artemis.

Feel free to shoot me a message anytime, if you need to talk and have a distraction, or just want to gush about Greek mythology.

I hope you'll feel better, soon.

[Auroramarianna]

Artemis.

Feel free to shoot me a message anytime, if you need to talk and have a distraction, or just want to gush about Greek mythology.

I hope you'll feel better, soon.

Thank you sooooo much! It may seem silly ahaha, but I love this song

And it slightly relates to our topic )

[stephaniec]

well, so sorry for your pain. On the positive side you have found a place where a lot of good people hang out and are willing to help. Most  if not all of us have had very challenging lives and we have a lot of experience on getting healthy. just feel free to talk and ask questions . I personally have felt the friendship that Susan's can offer, were all basically  people trying to make a better world, so stick around

[JoanneB]

I know all too painfully how you must feel. I experienced many of the same feelings in my teens. I am also a Catholic school survivor (all male run by Jesuits). A great song in annals of rock & roll history sums it up well http://www.metacafe.com/watch/8696459/supertramp_breakfast_in_america_the_logical_song/

As Cindy said, "It does get better". Something I found very hard to believe after some 50 years of suffering and seeing myself turn into a lifeless, soulless machine with no hopes wishes or dreams, bar one long ago given up on. An overwhelming desire to change things and taking even the tiniest of baby steps is what it takes to start seeing that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a fast approaching freight train.

[Jess42]

I guess I was fairly lucky growing up. I was always the odd one out. Actually found friends in school more like me that didn't quite fit in, some gay, some lesbian, some straight and one other transgedered. My mom and dad didn't really take too much of an interest in my life which sounds so neglectful but actually it was the very best thing they could have done. More or less they let me be me. Which what I did in school was my own doing and not being pushed into something that wans't right for me.

You should never question your value of your life. You are valuable. You may not even realize it. You have experiences that can possibly make someone else especially on this sight. Don't live in the past, and don't worry too much about the future but focus on the now and who you are and want to be and that will lead you into your future.

[Auroramarianna]

Thanks Stephanie! I will definitely stick around, and yes, people here are so nice it is unbelievable

Joanne, thanks, my school was not all male but it is catholic and the students are generally quite snobby and stuck-up (it is private). And I didn't listen to thr song yet because I am on the phone but as soon I get on my laptop I will

Yeah,  Jess, my father doesn't either but he is not accepting either. My mom is over protective and tries to force things on me because she thinks I am going to ruin my life, like she forced me to go to Science, since I gave in to her pressure she probably thinks I will do the same now. But guess what? I ruined my high school years for taking their advice when I shouldn't.

She is an over protective mom, but her dark side is that she also does it to satisfy her wishes and expectations, because as she says "her children are her life" i couldn't disagree more with this. I am my own life, not hers. She thinks Lgbt people are abnormal but that she is okay with it as long "it is out of sight" and she denies that I belong there.

And thanks, I guess I should give myself more credit

[Kassie]

I tried looking for that song on iTunes and YouTube could not find it if someone has a link that would be greatly appreciated as I only have mobile device no computer thank you

[StevieAK]

I feel you. I can remember those days looking in the mirror..the utter hopelessness. But...not anymore.
Choose to live today and go forward. Don't worry about what anyone thinks but you. You are a special unique creation. There are none like you on the planet. No one has your thoughts or dreams nor can anyone tell you how to think or perceive yourself. Just be you and enjoy your life. All of us are only here a little while so choose each day to be happy.

[Jess42]

Yeah,  Jess, my father doesn't either but he is not accepting either. My mom is over protective and tries to force things on me because she thinks I am going to ruin my life, like she forced me to go to Science, since I gave in to her pressure she probably thinks I will do the same now. But guess what? I ruined my high school years for taking their advice when I shouldn't.

She is an over protective mom, but her dark side is that she also does it to satisfy her wishes and expectations, because as she says "her children are her life" i couldn't disagree more with this. I am my own life, not hers. She thinks Lgbt people are abnormal but that she is okay with it as long "it is out of sight" and she denies that I belong there.

And thanks, I guess I should give myself more credit

Yes you should really. Staying under the radar is a good thing. Or for me it was. Personally I think over protective parents sometimes actually cause more harm than good. You're definately right, it is definately your life. Sometimes mothers are like that but there does come a time when they need to let you leave the nest and be your ownself.

[Auroramarianna]

Personally I think over protective parents sometimes actually cause more harm than good. You're definately right, it is definately your life.

Yupp, this.

Thank you so much girls, sometimes I have these really BAD days where I start questioning everything and devaluing myself. I guess I just really need to find myself, and when I do, I will happily cheer with you guys for helping me out in this process

again, thank you soooo much <3

[StevieAK]

Yupp, this.

Thank you so much girls, sometimes I have these really BAD days where I start questioning everything and devaluing myself. I guess I just really need to find myself, and when I do, I will happily cheer with you guys for helping me out in this process

again, thank you soooo much <3

To love ourselves is key, glad you are having a better day.