Hi everyone,
This seems like a great forum, I'm so glad I stumbled upon it!
I'm Deva, MTF, I've already registered for gender dysforia treatment here in the Netherlands, about time too, as I've always felt trapped in a male body.
It started when I was young, I've always been a very sensitive person and used to enjoy wearing my mother's make-up and rummaging through her closet when she was away and trying things on.
It was my little secret and, growing up in a conservative environment, I never felt comfortable expressing my feelings to others.
During puberty I had trouble during relationships, not being able to take on the role of a male in the relationship either emotionally or sexually.
This caused me to enter a lot of relationships, but each time the relationship would break down as I would shut my feelings away and become a shell of myself, constantly afraid that the other would know my true feelings.
Again, during relationships I would try my girlfriends clothes on when she wasn't around. Whenever I broke up I'd feel a sense of relief and go out and by some things for myself (clothes, makeup).
Due to a heightened sense of what others expected of me, I would feel pressured and eventually enter a relationship again. With each new girlfriend I threw everything away. Again the fear would overcome me and I'd feel a sense of guilt just by owning women's clothes.
Until one day, with the past relationship having failed (again). I felt I couldn't give myself to anyone anymore. The weird thing was, I never realized it was my dysforia causing it (or maybe I didn't want it to be that, it's a lot easier to talk about with others if you keep the reasons vague)
I just knew that I needed to be alone.
Slowly but surely I came to the realisation that I wasn't happy with who I was, so I started seeking out other cross dressers and like minded (not always the case!) individuals.
I learned a lot about myself in this period, that I could be a woman, that it didn't need to be a barrier anymore!
I confided in my closest friends and family. "I feel more comfortable in women's clothes!"
And then, out of the blue, via a mutual friend (who helps me A LOT!) I met a woman, who it could be open with. In fact, I told her a lot the first time I met her. She accepted me for who I was.
I'd fallen for someone again. Just when I was finding myself...
Even though she accepted me, she didn't want to see it. Or rather, I noticed I started hiding those feelings from her. As so many times before. She wanted me to be manly and whenever I would get emotional, things got out of hand.
So we broke up. This time I knew the reasons. She accepted them.
But this time, I hadn't thrown my things away when I started the relationship. I told her I had to keep them.
So I was alone again, but with a renewed sense that I needed to find the real me.
It broke me down, I was depressed.
I knew the truth and realized the consequences of wanting to be myself.
38 years in a wrong gender, all the expectations of my surroundings. How could I ever make the change so I could feel more comfortable with me?
I went to the doctor and he prescribed some anti depressants so I could function again. I made an appointment with a psychologist.
I went to all the friends and family I had told before, and opened my heart to everyone. Everything I'd been through, everything I'd felt. I told them so much more than before.
They all accepted me!
I told my supervisors and manager at work, and they were really really understanding and have vowed to help me with everything.
And as I said before, I've applied to see a gender therapist with a view to getting more help, be that psychologically, through hormones, or through surgery.
I've started going outside in women's clothes, with makeup on. No dresses yet, but I'm sure that's a matter of time.
So here I am. Like I said before, the site seems really great and the coverage of all the facets surrounding gender is very impressive and comforting!
Sorry for the wall of text, but it feels great to be able to share it here
