So impossibly confused.

[LittleEmily24]

I haven't been on here for a while as I've been going through some s***. But i find myself at an impossibly challenging mountain to climb.

First, let me just say hello everyone hope you're all doing good! Things have been looking quite up for me, I no longer get awkwardly gawked at, I'm getting gendered properly even when I go out in my "not give a f***" appearance, and my male friends are finally starting to kiss me on the cheek as they would any other girl (its a hispanic custom) so I have to admit i'm happy. My hair is also long enough that i can wear it without putting product in it and I also dyed it black which looks soooo sexy. I managed to get a new endo and managed to get started on injections which is a total relief for me, and the best of all this; As of this coming friday, July 31st, i will legally be known as Emily Sofia Garcia, Sex: F. So unbelievably excited, it feels good to not have any transition related worries on my mind for the time being....

But my current issue is mildly transition related because it has been a result of a shift in my emotional and sexual mentality.

At first i believed i wanted male attention as a sense of affirmation of my gender... time passes... then i find myself wanting to flirt with guys.... i download tinder and meet this really cool guy, we hit it off immediately, have so much in common, are practically clones of eachother... I come out as trans and he embraces it.... resulting in me developing an attraction for him... i mean, not only is he such a cool guy but he doesn't care that i'm trans and still thinks i'm beautiful! AND not a ->-bleeped-<-.... He asks me out; reality sets in (i'm married, and I care about my wife more than anything), so i confess and he is a bit hurt but still wants to be friends with me, I feel relieved that I managed to defuse this properly...

Time passes.... I meet him for the first time at a starbucks... he's incredibly cute... we talk for a total of 6 hours non stop, always being able to keep up the conversation... he meets another transwoman (by chance) and starts dating her... and i find that this bothers me... ~ Being that i'm of a very scientific and rational mind, I began to rationalize it all... and then its like a switch went off in my head and I was no longer plagued by the confusion of validated womanhood or laid down path... I had become a woman in my head and while it felt amazing, it also felt confusing and unruly.... Time passes and he asks me "what kind of guy would i be with if I was single" and i pretty much told him "someone like you, if you weren't personally available"... and it turns out he felt the same way about me...... I suddenly find myself heavily attracted to men as well as women, sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc... its a wonderful experience because i never thought i could ever get past my disgust for men, but i did, and i met the most amazing guy in the freaking world (for me at least)...... and now I have feelings for him... and i feel like a complete piece of selfish ass. I love my wife, I care about her so much and i think she gets hotter and hotter every single day.... but i find myself thinking about him all the time lately... how he feels, how he smells, his hugs... I know that "the heart wants what the heart wants" and "you can't control how you feel" but i still feel so ->-bleeped-<-ty for all this... I have a 2 bedroom apartment with my wife of 7 years, we are actually happy for the first time in a long time in every way (except sexually... we simply aren't connecting on a sexual level as much as we use to, and I'm no longer turned on by regular "husband and wife" sex, for obvious reasons... i've also developed minor genital dysphoria and don't like to use "it" during sex, so this obviously presents a problem....) We have 2 dogs and we both have good paying jobs... we live a pretty decent life.... and I feel like a stupid selfish bitch for wanting to be with this guy.... Im glad i no longer hate men but at the same time my attraction to them is heavily conflicting.... I see on facebook so many people posting pictures of their boyfriends and men they are happy with and i find myself wanting that.... but my wife has been here with me through EVERYTHING, she has picked up the pieces, she's been my pillar, my strength,.... she decided to STAY even though she knows i plan on getting the surgery and despite my desire to transition, she chose to stay and decided she loved me more than my physical appearance ~ she has put up with my depression, my anxiety, all my issues, my dysphoric breakdowns and meltdowns, my insecurities, has economically fueled my transition in more ways than one... shes the best friend I've ever had and whether we are together or not doesn't change that I will always love her and be there for her and never abandon her.... But i find myself wanting to be involved with a man... not just sexually, but emotionally, romantically... God dammit it all why did I have to start liking boys.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated... he pretty much told me "whatever you decide to do, be 100% sure you know what you want, because its not just going to be a big decision for you, but its also gonna be a big decision for me, and we have to be ready to accept the consequences"... he's right, of course... but i don't know how to tackle any of this... because i feel that if i have this conversation with my wife about how "i love you, and i will always love you, but I have a desire to be with a man and I have feelings for this one guy in particular".... I know things will never be the same... I'm so scared and confused and somewhat relieved because i'm glad I feel like a girl now going through girl problems instead of like a confused transgirl who thinks shes still a guy who thinks the world sees her as a guy etc. blah blah....

On a side note, i want to just add that he has said things to me that i never thought i would hear another person tell me in the entirety of my existence... he constantly reminds me i'm beautiful, he understands SO MUCH about the entirety of the trans community ~ he happens to have a liking for transwomen but believe me when i say he's not a ->-bleeped-<-... hes so polite, so nice, so courteous, and he makes me feel special in a way i've never felt before... he makes me forget i'm trans and makes me feel like I was never anything other than a woman (and I know that this is true for all of us transwomen, but we often forget to remind ourselves), and to put it frankly ~ since meeting him and getting close with him, I've been misgendered a few times, woken up feeling ugly, had good and bad days... but none of it ever dismissed my feelings of sureness that he instilled in me... its like, before when a misgendering would make me break down... now it doesnt matter to me... he makes me feel like it doesn't matter... he makes me wanna be a better person, be the best girl in the world because he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world... on top of that we literally have the same sense of humor and within a short 5 days we got so comfortable around eachother that its like we've known each other for years.... I've never felt this way before, i've never felt this special before.... ugh.. I dont know what to do, its haunting me every waking minute, my dreams are my only escape T-T

sorry for making it so long, ya'll know me

[stephaniec]

I can't offer any advice other than things happen. I'm in kind of a similar situation , but I'm not married, so that's a bit different. It's nice to be able to feel that side of you though

[Auroramarianna]

Hi Emily

What you are going through is difficult, and I would personally feel very conflicted were I to be in your situation. However, it puzzled me, have you had intimate contact with him already? Because I honestly didn't understand, but you sound so interested, so into him that I think you may be in love, the way you worded makes it seem you're head over heels in love with him.

Did you identify as a lesbian before? Or did you repress your feelings and attraction to men because of your own hatred for your body masculinity, so you projected that onto men? Because you seem to be attracted to men now.

I wouldn't know what to do in your situation, but you need to make sure how this guy feels about you first. Your wife seems like a wonderful person and it would break her heart if you left her, so you need to proceed with caution. Do you still love your wife? But like, love, real love? Do you still have romantic/sexual feelings for your wife? You need to be very sure about this. If you no longer love her, you can do nothing about it and, ultimately, holding onto a relationship whose foundation broke will be hurtful in the long run.

Best wishes

[LittleEmily24]

I can't offer any advice other than things happen. I'm in kind of a similar situation , but I'm not married, so that's a bit different. It's nice to be able to feel that side of you though

Thats the one saving grace lol it feels good to feel this way because it kinda solidifies something for me lol.

Hi Emily

What you are going through is difficult, and I would personally feel very conflicted were I to be in your situation. However, it puzzled me, have you had intimate contact with him already? Because I honestly didn't understand, but you sound so interested, so into him that I think you may be in love, the way you worded makes it seem you're head over heels in love with him.

Did you identify as a lesbian before? Or did you repress your feelings and attraction to men because of your own hatred for your body masculinity, so you projected that onto men? Because you seem to be attracted to men now.

I wouldn't know what to do in your situation, but you need to make sure how this guy feels about you first. Your wife seems like a wonderful person and it would break her heart if you left her, so you need to proceed with caution. Do you still love your wife? But like, love, real love? Do you still have romantic/sexual feelings for your wife? You need to be very sure about this. If you no longer love her, you can do nothing about it and, ultimately, holding onto a relationship whose foundation broke will be hurtful in the long run.

Best wishes

I have not gotten intimate with him at all, because I'm loyal to my wife and I vowed that i would never cheat on her, and i remain loyal... even though we both came very close to kissing, it didn't happen because luckily for me, he also has morals and he doesn't believe in doing things behind peoples backs, so it would have kind of tainted the whole thing.... I too wondered if I was in love but the scientist in me is losing it because how can that be? I haven't known him long enough to be in love.... I usually maintain the belief that love can not be so easily established, but maybe i'm naive? Idk.

I did infact identify as a lesbian at first, I hated men with passion but i realized that it was only because i was surrounded by immature boys who were so stuck in conventional ways and never stood up for themselves, that i did the immature thing if putting them all in one unsatisfying category... I also came to realize that the reason I had disliked men before was because way back in my younger years I fell for a gay guy and I didn't like the idea of being perceived as a gay man (for obvious reasons) so I kinda just let it go and buried it deep down, and eventually just forgot about it, and im sure hating myself might have contributed to it as well, but it appears that i've always been attracted to men as well as women (and yes, I am still attracted to women ~ went to a strip club recently on a whim brought on by a late night of debauchery and my wife bought me a lap dance because she's a party animal... and it was clear to me that i'm still attracted to women >_____> lol)

This guy pretty much told me that he would drop everything for me if i ever became available, he feels like we could actually fall in love and go far because of our chemistry, he literally said that I'm "the girl next door", the person who becomes best friend with her male neighbor and then they fall in love, he says its the most romantic thing he's ever experienced... .the other day when we were tlaking about all this, we kept getting dangerously close to eachother and refusing the urge to kiss, and he said "I feel like if i kissed  you right now, i might cry, because it would be the most perfect thing, and i wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world".... either he's an incredibly smooth talker or he really truly believes that... he actually did come in for a hug unexpectedly and literally fought the urge to kiss me... which i can commend because i'm sure it took strength... I mean... we spend hours talking and he does something that not many have the power to do ~ When i'm with him, i forget about my phone and i disconnect from the entire world, not caring about whats going on and just being in the moment...

Honestly i get physically sick to my stomach when i think about how i'm feeling and what i'm doing... it scares the living sh*t out of me because I can either choose uncertain happiness, or choose guaranteed comfort.... I do love my wife, i love her undeniably.... I love spending time with her and being with her, I still have sexual attraction to her but our sex life has been dwindling because we are just too different in bed... we want different things... i want a dominant figure,( TMI Warning) I want to be penetrated and dominated and she seems to want the same thing, and I just don't like using my parts... our sex usually starts awesome at first, but it ends blandly... and she tells me "I just don't feel connected with you"... but she seems to have let sex go after our 5 years of me being depressed because of dysphoria, so sex to her has pretty much become a lost cause, I want to spice it up and i try to, but i get the feeling she has given up on it... But believe me, i love her... I would rather die than hurt her unnecessarily...

FML -_-

[Juliett]

Talk to your wife about it, tell her how you feel. She likely feels the same way you do about men and you obviously can't give that to her. You and she care about each other a lot, but if you both want men, staying together in a romantic way just won't be ideal.

[Shantel]

Oh LittleEmily do you ever have a load on your plate honey! Here's the deal, if you proceed ahead with the fellow you're going to wind up getting it in the back door which for some is a bit disgusting and raises questions about the guy that I dare not broach here lest I create a lot of unwanted drama. I'll have to fess up that early into my own transition I tried that and frankly wound up feeling victimized and dirty. Finally I realized that this fascination was hormonally driven and eventually it waned. For me it was a huge moral dilemma on many levels because like you I am married and I didn't wish to destroy that relationship.

One thing that effects loss of libido for genetic males as well as genetic females is the total absence of testosterone, and though MtF transitioners assume that testosterone is poisoning them it turns out that a very small amount applied topically as a cream will get your motor running again in the bedroom with the sweetheart and will in no way compromise your transition. If you wish to dismiss some good advice from someone who has been on HRT for 20 years with loads of experience, then get ready for divorce court. Just my two bits worth sweetie, I'm wishing you well. Feel free to pm me for specifics.

[LittleEmily24]

Oh LittleEmily do you ever have a load on your plate honey! Here's the deal, if you proceed ahead with the fellow you're going to wind up getting it in the back door which for some is a bit disgusting and raises questions about the guy that I dare not broach here lest I create a lot of unwanted drama. I'll have to fess up that early into my own transition I tried that and frankly wound up feeling victimized and dirty. Finally I realized that this fascination was hormonally driven and eventually it waned. For me it was a huge moral dilemma on many levels because like you I am married and I didn't wish to destroy that relationship.

One thing that effects loss of libido for genetic males as well as genetic females is the total absence of testosterone, and though MtF transitioners assume that testosterone is poisoning them it turns out that a very small amount applied topically as a cream will get your motor running again in the bedroom with the sweetheart and will in no way compromise your transition. If you wish to dismiss some good advice from someone who has been on HRT for 20 years with loads of experience, then get ready for divorce court. Just my two bits worth sweetie, I'm wishing you well. Feel free to pm me for specifics.

lol.. let me just put it out on the table that I like anal >_> i've liked it for a long time now lol... So that wouldn't be a new experience for me and actually sounds intriguing while also not being the main reason for all this... it isn;t just sexual attraction i feel for him... when i'm around him it feels like time stops... I don't have libido issues... I'm horny all the time, i just dont like using my parts because it makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel dysphoric.... Im sorry if that sounds like an excuse but I just DONT like using it... and its not like I can't perform... I can, but I just can't ever finish that way... and i concentrate so much on "keeping it up" that it kinda kills the energy connection and in all honesty kills the mood for me, because I want to please her, but in the end we can both feel it... we can both tell that its just not the same.... I have no issue performing, its that i'm not comfortable performing... and whats the point of having sex if im gonna be uncomfortable the entire time... shes gonna feel it regardless and she;s gonna know im not enjoying it and it will have the same outcome... even if i were to take some sort of long lasting thing, it wont change that it will make me uncomfortable and I wont be able to get off on it.

[Shantel]

lol.. let me just put it out on the table that I like anal >_> i've liked it for a long time now lol... So that wouldn't be a new experience for me and actually sounds intriguing while also not being the main reason for all this... it isn;t just sexual attraction i feel for him... when i'm around him it feels like time stops... I don't have libido issues... I'm horny all the time, i just dont like using my parts because it makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel dysphoric.... Im sorry if that sounds like an excuse but I just DONT like using it... and its not like I can't perform... I can, but I just can't ever finish that way... and i concentrate so much on "keeping it up" that it kinda kills the energy connection and in all honesty kills the mood for me, because I want to please her, but in the end we can both feel it... we can both tell that its just not the same.... I have no issue performing, its that i'm not comfortable performing... and whats the point of having sex if im gonna be uncomfortable the entire time... shes gonna feel it regardless and she;s gonna know im not enjoying it and it will have the same outcome... even if i were to take some sort of long lasting thing, it wont change that it will make me uncomfortable and I wont be able to get off on it.

I appreciate your honesty, well then best thing to do is sit her down and discuss it, if she wants to part let's hope that it ends up as an amicable parting of the ways. You will do what you are driven to do so I wish you well honey!

[ErinWDK]

LittleEmily,

Please re-read what Shantel has said.  She has really good advice, and it is the voice of reason and experience.  If you dally with men while you are married eventually (or immediately) it WILL destroy your marriage.

I hope you find your way through this.  Keeping a marriage alive through transition is a difficult task, from what you say about your wife it sounds like she is a real keeper.


Erin

[muffinpants]

I have not gotten intimate with him at all, because I'm loyal to my wife and I vowed that i would never cheat on her, and i remain loyal... even though we both came very close to kissing, it didn't happen because luckily for me, he also has morals and he doesn't believe in doing things behind peoples backs, so it would have kind of tainted the whole thing....

Not to be rude or anything, but what you are doing right now IS cheating. The fact that you installed the Tinder app, actively looked and talked to different people, all behind your wifes back is definitely NOT loyalty. Getting involved physically with another person is not the only way to cheat. My advice would be to tell your wife and go on from there. It sounds like she deserves better.

[muffinpants]

Okay, perhaps I'm being a bit too judgmental, and for that I am sorry. But, this is a very sensitive issue to me. Why can't people just be honest when they aren't feeling it? Perhaps tell your wife what you want/need from her in the bedroom, try different things, tell her you want to feel beautiful and desired as well? I just hate the dishonesty and it breaks my heart.

[Jess42]

I hate to say it Emily but it seems to me that you have come to a crossraods in life. And I am so sorry I don't have any really good advice that I can give you other than this is gonna be one of those things that you are gonna' have to decide on your own. And hopefully you can make a decision without regret.

I definately agree with Erin, Shantel is wise and smart. But unfortunatley we are all different. I like the same thing you do and won't even mention it again.

But I will say that the heart wants what the heart wants and we are just as helpless to that as we are being trans. So like Shantel suggested it may be a good time to have a heart to heart with your wife.

I do wish you the very best of luck and conviction and a strong resolution at whatever you decide. People change hon, desires change and it isn't just limited to the trans community. that's just life period. And really nothing for you to feel really bad or guilty even though you may for a while but it does get better, trust me. It happens to a lot of people. One word of advice that may help is when all is said and done it is your happiness that you should be most concerned with. It may sound selfish but if you try to live your life to make everyone else happy all you're gonna do is suffer.

[LittleEmily24]

Not to be rude or anything, but what you are doing right now IS cheating. The fact that you installed the Tinder app, actively looked and talked to different people, all behind your wifes back is definitely NOT loyalty. Getting involved physically with another person is not the only way to cheat. My advice would be to tell your wife and go on from there. It sounds like she deserves better.

I didnt do it behind her back, she knew i downloaded it and she knew i wanted to flirt with guys, she didn't care as long as it didnt evolve into something more, and it wasn't supposed to, I honestly just did it to get attention from guys and felt that the moment they found out I was trans it would scare them off, and then suddenly this happened. This was not what I expected in the slightest and the only thing my wife DOESN'T know is how i feel about him.... thats it... she knows we hang out, she knows he's attracted to me, but she trusts me as she should because i would never cheat on her, and it doesn't mean that i like being with him more than I do with her, which is why im in a predicament... this isn't easy for me and its not like i dont already feel like ->-bleeped-<- just for feeling this way... I haven't done anything other than talk to him... and im sorry but i don't see that as cheating... its not like we've gotten even remotely intimate... so we came close to kissing and it scared me and it scared him... lately we've been just hanging out like friends watching dumb shows on comedy central... Its not like I f***ing planned that this would happen... its not like i expected to actually like him or be attracted to him...

Okay, perhaps I'm being a bit too judgmental, and for that I am sorry. But, this is a very sensitive issue to me. Why can't people just be honest when they aren't feeling it? Perhaps tell your wife what you want/need from her in the bedroom, try different things, tell her you want to feel beautiful and desired as well? I just hate the dishonesty and it breaks my heart.

I appreciate that you posted this because i already felt like ->-bleeped-<- and didn't need another person reminding me of how much of a terrible f***ing person I am just for feeling the way i do.... however, in light of what you said here, I have spoken to her multiple times about what i want in the bedroom, I HAVE told her i want to feel beautiful and desired and wanted... I HAVE discussed all this with her.... but the fun part about being in a relationship with 2 women who both want the same thing is that neither of us have a place to get it from... sure maybe she deserves someone better, maybe she deserves to be with a man because i know she thinks about being with a man sometimes, but I feel that its my right to really think hard about this just as she thought hard for 2 months while she was away from me about wether or not she wanted to stay with me... I honestly am having the hardest f***ing time with all this... I honestly wish i would never have become attracted to guys... I wish i didn't have feelings, hell, i wish my sex drive wouldve keeled over and crawled somewhere safe to die... but it didnt... in fact my sex drive TRIPLED and the only difference is that now its just DIFFERENT but its still very much alive... i want different things, i feel different things, i react differently, i express it differently.... I believe in honesty above all but having been in this relationship where certain things have been said and changed us forever, i would hate to say something i cant take back and then have us become something totally different... The ONLY thing i haven't told her, is how I feel about this guy... that is ALL, and the ONLY reason i havent told her is because i dont want her to think i love or care about her any less because i truly dont... if I cared about him more than i care about her, this wouldn't be as difficult as it is for me, but because i feel the way I feel, i want to rip my own freaking head off, launch my corpse into space and have it drift off into nothingness...

[RosieD]

Hiya Lil'Em, it is good to see you back here.

Sorry to be Rosie da PITA (as that isn't my intention) but I wonder whether what you are going through is your first teenage crush?  It is an easy thing to forget but we are going through a second puberty and so we get to do all those strung-out-on-someone moments all over again.  I could be wrong and I probably am (it's a skill I have) but could it be possible you're having a teenage crush?

Rosie

[LittleEmily24]

I hate to say it Emily but it seems to me that you have come to a crossraods in life. And I am so sorry I don't have any really good advice that I can give you other than this is gonna be one of those things that you are gonna' have to decide on your own. And hopefully you can make a decision without regret.

I definately agree with Erin, Shantel is wise and smart. But unfortunatley we are all different. I like the same thing you do and won't even mention it again.

But I will say that the heart wants what the heart wants and we are just as helpless to that as we are being trans. So like Shantel suggested it may be a good time to have a heart to heart with your wife.

I do wish you the very best of luck and conviction and a strong resolution at whatever you decide. People change hon, desires change and it isn't just limited to the trans community. that's just life period. And really nothing for you to feel really bad or guilty even though you may for a while but it does get better, trust me. It happens to a lot of people. One word of advice that may help is when all is said and done it is your happiness that you should be most concerned with. It may sound selfish but if you try to live your life to make everyone else happy all you're gonna do is suffer.

Thanks for this... im honestly considering just backing off entirely and concentrating on something else... im not sure how healthy that is but right now i have a never ending stomach pain that hasn't gone away since the day I met this guy, I'm beyond confused and conflicted, i feel morally and ethically corrupt and i feel like I deserve no one.... its not without a heavy heart that i think of these things in my head because it does in fact toy with my code of ethics and its very challenging...

Maybe i'll just write music or something, forget about attraction or relationships or love...

[muffinpants]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair Idk, that's where I got my definition from. Feel free to call it whatever you want if it doesn't fit. I was just throwing it out there that if I were her, I would consider this cheating. Which, to me, emotional cheating is the worst kind. Sex is something I'm more open about, as long as I have my gf's heart, that is all that matters to me.

I was just offering my opinion, even if it came off as harsh, and as I said, I'm sorry for that. I've just known too many people who were hurt by dishonesty. Good luck working it out.

[LittleEmily24]

Hiya Lil'Em, it is good to see you back here.

Sorry to be Rosie da PITA (as that isn't my intention) but I wonder whether what you are going through is your first teenage crush?  It is an easy thing to forget but we are going through a second puberty and so we get to do all those strung-out-on-someone moments all over again.  I could be wrong and I probably am (it's a skill I have) but could it be possible you're having a teenage crush?

Rosie

I thought about this too.... really, i thought long and hard about this... but a teenage crush doesn't make me feel like i'm finally me... Im not just interested in him physically, but the things he says to me, the way he talks, the way he looks at me, even the things he knows... I find him ultimately fascinating. I'm not sure if I'm still in, or have moved past 2nd puberty... I mean what exactly qualifies as a teenage crush? I even talked to him about this... but the connection i feel with him is something ive never felt before... we only knew eachother for a couple of days and got to know eachother, we got so connected that I got so comfortable with him so fast... (and this might sound weird) but i went over to hang out with him and just watch a funny show we both like, and I almost fell asleep..... I don't usually do that... I felt comfortable enough around him that i was about to fall asleep in his house... (and please anyone, dont read too much into that... i was tired because i had barely slept the night before, that is all there is to it).. i know it sounds strange but i dont fall asleep around people, even some of my friends who i've known for years i am not comfortable enough to fall asleep around... its kind of a comfort level indicator of sorts.

[Auroramarianna]

I thought about this too.... really, i thought long and hard about this... but a teenage crush doesn't make me feel like i'm finally me... Im not just interested in him physically, but the things he says to me, the way he talks, the way he looks at me, even the things he knows... I find him ultimately fascinating. I'm not sure if I'm still in, or have moved past 2nd puberty... I mean what exactly qualifies as a teenage crush? I even talked to him about this... but the connection i feel with him is something ive never felt before... we only knew eachother for a couple of days and got to know eachother, we got so connected that I got so comfortable with him so fast... (and this might sound weird) but i went over to hang out with him and just watch a funny show we both like, and I almost fell asleep..... I don't usually do that... I felt comfortable enough around him that i was about to fall asleep in his house... (and please anyone, dont read too much into that... i was tired because i had barely slept the night before, that is all there is to it).. i know it sounds strange but i dont fall asleep around people, even some of my friends who i've known for years i am not comfortable enough to fall asleep around... its kind of a comfort level indicator of sorts.

If you met him just a few days ago, then it's possible that you are not in love with him but in love with the idea of being in love with a man. Or you may as well be infatuated with him, and you would probably regret leaving your wife, whom you say you love, for him, because you may not really be in love with him. But I'm just guessing, only you would know

Best wishes,
xxxx

[Jess42]

Thanks for this... im honestly considering just backing off entirely and concentrating on something else... im not sure how healthy that is but right now i have a never ending stomach pain that hasn't gone away since the day I met this guy, I'm beyond confused and conflicted, i feel morally and ethically corrupt and i feel like I deserve no one.... its not without a heavy heart that i think of these things in my head because it does in fact toy with my code of ethics and its very challenging...

Maybe i'll just write music or something, forget about attraction or relationships or love...

You're welcome. I do hate to be a Debbie Downer but that doesn't always work. If your having constant pain in your stomach that is your consience. And no it isn't healthy and can cause ulcers. Hon if you were truly morally and ethically corrupt, you wouldn't be having those endless pains in your stomach. You would have ended up being with him behind your wife's back without a second thought. So you came to a stop sign, we all have at one time or another. And like I said it is all up to you to decide on which way to turn.

Just be honest first to yourself and what you want and then be honest with your wife. I did this a while ago and yeah it led to divorce on somewhat good terms but she couldn't accept me and I could never be happier because now I am free. Like I said earlier, people change, their desires change, personalities change and even now your wife may be in the same kind of conundrum but may be trying to support you enough to say nothing to you about her own delimmas. Do you know what I mean?

Regardless, I truly feel for you and I won't sugercoat it because it will be probably one of the hardest things other than being trans and deciding to transition that you may ever face. My heart goes out to you. I will say on a good note and it may not make you feel any better, but it is refreshing for me to see and talk with someone with such high morals and ethics and integrity and you definately have my respect. I believe you may even be stronger than what you think. I would have probably given in and made the unethical choice but even though I am an angel , my halo is tarnished. I may actually have little bumps growing on both sides of my forehead. And my wings are turning black.

[Juliett]

 talk to her