Denial

[Jessica Merriman]

I am sorry SJ! I really am. I also apologize to all the non binaries who are offended by my posting. I do not discriminate against any group at all even though some of you seem to think differently. A question was asked and I responded from my own personal experience which is what I thought this great place was for. I DO understand non binary and do not try to talk ANYONE into transition if they have no interest in it. I will refrain from posting in non binary topics anymore. I will just moderate and edit according to Susan's guidelines. Again SJ and all non binaries accept my apologies for any offense taken. 

[Jess42]

I am sorry SJ! I really am. I also apologize to all the non binaries who are offended by my posting. I do not discriminate against any group at all even though some of you seem to think differently. A question was asked and I responded from my own personal experience which is what I thought this great place was for. I DO understand non binary and do not try to talk ANYONE into transition if they have no interest in it. I will refrain from posting in non binary topics anymore. I will just moderate and edit according to Susan's guidelines. Again SJ and all non binaries accept my apologies for any offense taken. 

Aw Hon. I didn't take any offense whatsoever. Chill sis. I'm nonbinary and have absolutely no idea what is down the road for me but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I find all your post extremely helpful to me and others. All we can ever give is our own view points. To be completely honest some days I am right on the edge of jumping the cliff and going full out and other days I am perfectly satisified and others still torn between the two directions.

I can't speak for everyone but I don't feel you discriminated toward me in the least little bit. As a matter of fact I wish someone would push me toward what I want but am so unsure of. You know what I mean? Believe it or not everyone's experiences and opinions are extremely imortant when it comes to someone like me and where I'm at right now.

[Shantel]

I am sorry SJ! I really am. I also apologize to all the non binaries who are offended by my posting. I do not discriminate against any group at all even though some of you seem to think differently. A question was asked and I responded from my own personal experience which is what I thought this great place was for. I DO understand non binary and do not try to talk ANYONE into transition if they have no interest in it. I will refrain from posting in non binary topics anymore. I will just moderate and edit according to Susan's guidelines. Again SJ and all non binaries accept my apologies for any offense taken. 

It was a good heartfelt apology Jessica, I'll speak for others and say thank you! I hope whatever happened won't affect her sobriety, she is a sweet soul. We and myself especially have to be careful that we don't inadvertently drive someone over the edge with our own thoughts and comments. I'm careful to temper my own stuff and still fail miserably at times. So many have delicate sensibilities which is often exacerbated hormonally. I appreciate you and your comments here girlfriend!

[Megan Joanne]

My thoughts are real simple. Be you. That's it. If you aren't an ->-bleeped-<- or something then I have no problem whatsoever in what a person does with themselves, how they lead their lives, its their's after all, not mine. I have my own life and lead it accordingly to how I need to and don't expect anyone to tell me any different, besides if they did I'd still lead my life the way I always do. I spent too many years in denial as was early in my life, scared of what people would think, this cost me years of happiness which caused me to be self-destructive, and to hide away from people which once I did come out of hiding now finding it difficult to find my place. If only I had been able to let me out earlier. But I wasn't ready, not yet. It takes a lot of courage to be yourself in such a harsh, judgmental world where conformity rules true freedom, that is being you without fears of being unaccepted or worst. Don't ever feel you have to be forced to do something, whatever it be, or be something you're not, just because others think you should. Anyone trying to force change on you or make you feel bad about being who you are, that person is an ->-bleeped-<-. You find your comfort zone and if that's where you wish to stay, so be it, then that is who you are. Change for yourself, not for others, and as much as need be, to do less or too much or in the wrong way will only lead to unhappiness.

[Satinjoy]

Girls, guys, so sorry I triggered all this

No applogies of any kind are needed

I am in a personal family and work and financial crisis familiar to most of us who transition and keep our families and jobs etc.  Every moment and ounce of my energy must go to this, and I am in hostile environments.  If it all crashed down, and it stands upon a hair right now, I have a wonderful mtf binary dear friend that will take me in and keep me safe.

I have rock solid sobriety

Do not fear, I am a survivor

I will return when I can, right now, I must preserve the life I was gifted with, and I have to keep from crying so much.

PM's will get to me

I have to go I could get fired for posting

Love to all here, I mean it.  No binary or non binary issue here, and Jessica is a dear friend and triggered nothing.  I was denying that the light at the end of the tunnel, instead of sunlight, is a train, and I am going to stop it before it takes me down.

Nails out and head up.  I will return when it is safe.

Be well and take care of yourself, you know what is at stake living as a transsexual, binary, non binary, or purple.  We have to be very smart.

God Bless You.

[Satinjoy]

This post has been edited based on Jessica's comments, which are truth.  I am very embarrassed but will leave this here anyway.     Since it came from the heart, and I need to look at it and learn from it.



_______________________________

Denial is pervasive for me.  It is exascerbated by dysphoria, by fear, by all kinds of emotions.  Eyes are not open enough to see the consequences of actions.  Dysphoria powerfully blinding me to the needs of others, as it hungrily seeks for more, more, always more.  The pain of dysphoria when it is not accommodated increases into its own deceptions and causes rationalization to make that pain more manageable.  Meanwhile, the dysphoria takes more and more of mental time and energy, until it gradually becomes everything, not just a simple fact of being both male and female, or in transition, or on hormones, but transobsession begans quietly and subtly to steal, relationships, precious time from family and loved ones, hours in front of the computer instead of in laughter and incense and candles... tricky stuff this stuff.

Then the denial of the sheer power of dysphoria kicks in, the possibility that it can take me over the edge to self destructive behaviors.... I cannot deny that I need help, and am foolish to think i can handle this alone, bluster through, recognize myown cognitive distortions while a powerful need inside will push us to justify anything and everything we need to do to ease that suffering from the recoil of seeing ourselves in the mirror in a way that does not agree with our self perception, our physical dysphoric needs, or our core personalities.

Triggers have taken deep into depression.  Obsession is destroying my marriage and job.  The need for acceptance causes me to act out in ways that can be unsafe in a society that is clueless of who we are and what we have to deal with.

Leading me into deep interdependence with each other, seeking nurturing, validation, just help getting through the day.  Needing each other since the others get it, they understand,but I am easily unbalanced and can spiral suddenly to the edge, finding the only way out is through looking up to the God that made us who we are, and being wise to the enemy of our souls that would pull us down into the abyss using his tools of deception and despair.

I do not want to be in denial, I need by eyes wide open to all that my dysphoria will do, good and bad.


Blessings my dears.

Love to all here.   

[Jessica Merriman]

I know everyone here will take this wrong, but it is not meant to be that way. 

SJ, you know I really care about you and the others here, a lot. I have dedicated my new life to helping those who are lost and alone to deal with an incredibly hard and stressful issue in their lives. I have to admit your post upset me quite a lot. To call a known and recognizable medical issue a Transobsession and give the reader the idea that this is an attack by an evil entity that can be cured by belief is quite simply doing all an injustice. I feel I am at this point in my life by a plan of the creator. I have lived as a dedicated Christian all my life and have even taught several classes on it and used the lessons learned to help the victims of terrible trauma's in their lives. I entered their lives when family members were killed or permanently disabled by horrific accidents or acts of humankind. I sat with them for hours and even visited them on my own time and money. I still get the occasional check in call and thanks for what I did for them in their time of need. There is no way I could have done that being under the control of some evil entity guiding me from the right path. I believe the creator placed this issue in my path to teach me tolerance and acceptance of others in a spirit of honest and genuine caring which are or should be Christian value's. In my humble opinion it it equally evil to deny what the creator is telling you to do. Have you ever wondered why we are so controlled by this and feel much better when we finally accept it and follow this guiding voice? I feel your last post smacks of pride that you honestly believe you can or are in charge of this. You simply are not, period. If being trans was an attempt to bring us on the wrong path why has the creator given gifts to individuals to assist and provide medical assistance to us in a loving and caring manner? You remind me a little of all the reparative pray the gay and trans away I was subject to as a child. I know what you are thinking right now, did I pray to see if this was the act and will of our creator. The answer is yes. I prayed every day for 40 years that I would not have to endure this and upend my life. I received my answer when I was close to ending my life. THAT was the thought (suicide) an evil entity who did not want to see the creators plan come to fruition. When I accepted what me creator wanted me to do I actually felt doubt, denial and to some degree hatred leave my body all at once. I suddenly saw why I was subjected to my career and all it entailed. My life plan was revealed and I know now I was placed here at Susan's by our creator to continue to provide love, compassion and make sure the evil one did not corrupt any of the creators work and plans for those here. I had to endure what I did for 40 years so I could honestly support others with the wisdom gained all those years. We do not have the answers for a lot we go through in life and lose, but true Christians trust the creator and his will and do not argue against it with mans logic or rationalization, but trust the creator fully. I suggest you look deeper inside yourself and see why you do not trust what your creator is telling you to do. I am not accusing you of a lack of faith, but I am wondering why you cannot accept the feelings inside you. Your life and all the possessions and people in your life are not yours, but the creators to do with what he needs and desires. If you are a strong believer you will know this is true and we will be reunited with them all one day for eternity. We are only here for a very small amount of time to do the creators work and to glorify and praise him for the blessings we have or had.

[Shantel]

Good post Jessica, I think this has been bothering you and I'm glad that you got it off your chest so beautifully. We are all uniquely different and see things through different eyes and so we often internalize things a bit differently but what would be so unusual about that, especially among believers? I have often said that Jesus Himself is like a diamond in many ways, multifaceted and each new way we see him as we grow in maturity and in grace and knowledge, then we understand something new as we get some insight from yet another angle. For that reason we all need to be patient and accepting of one another. Interestingly, the last on the list of the fruits of the spirit is self control, something we all can work on as we try to get our point across to others, some points are acceptable now and others not so much so but will be later as it's all a matter of growth and maturity. My comments here are not aimed at anyone but are applicable to all of us.

[Taka]

jessica, i have seen your love and care in all your posts. even when the things you've said might have seemed like a push towards full transition, i always read them as a push to be true to yourself and find out what you really need, rather than place all kinds of limitations on yourself because it feels safer to stay in, or partly in denial. your wish to help is genuine, and i respect you a lot for that.

and thank you for this latest post. it has taken me time to accept and come to love the fact that i was born trans rather than cis. so many say they wish they weren't, which is as natural as it is for a one-armed man to wish he'd been born with two. but i do believe there is purpose in learning to live with it, and learning to love myself just the way that i was created, seems to be necessary in order to love my neighbor and my creator the way i should. accepting reality has helped me let go of so much unneeded bitterness.

i'm still not closer to transitioning, but that's just because of society. i can still live true to myself without transitioning, it just takes more effort as i don't have any diagnose to show people as proof that i'm born different.

[Satinjoy]

I know everyone here will take this wrong, but it is not meant to be that way. 

SJ, you know I really care about you and the others here, a lot. I have dedicated my new life to helping those who are lost and alone to deal with an incredibly hard and stressful issue in their lives. I have to admit your post upset me quite a lot. To call a known and recognizable medical issue a Transobsession and give the reader the idea that this is an attack by an evil entity that can be cured by belief is quite simply doing all an injustice. I feel I am at this point in my life by a plan of the creator. I have lived as a dedicated Christian all my life and have even taught several classes on it and used the lessons learned to help the victims of terrible trauma's in their lives. I entered their lives when family members were killed or permanently disabled by horrific accidents or acts of humankind. I sat with them for hours and even visited them on my own time and money. I still get the occasional check in call and thanks for what I did for them in their time of need. There is no way I could have done that being under the control of some evil entity guiding me from the right path. I believe the creator placed this issue in my path to teach me tolerance and acceptance of others in a spirit of honest and genuine caring which are or should be Christian value's. In my humble opinion it it equally evil to deny what the creator is telling you to do. Have you ever wondered why we are so controlled by this and feel much better when we finally accept it and follow this guiding voice? I feel your last post smacks of pride that you honestly believe you can or are in charge of this. You simply are not, period. If being trans was an attempt to bring us on the wrong path why has the creator given gifts to individuals to assist and provide medical assistance to us in a loving and caring manner? You remind me a little of all the reparative pray the gay and trans away I was subject to as a child. I know what you are thinking right now, did I pray to see if this was the act and will of our creator. The answer is yes. I prayed every day for 40 years that I would not have to endure this and upend my life. I received my answer when I was close to ending my life. THAT was the thought (suicide) an evil entity who did not want to see the creators plan come to fruition. When I accepted what me creator wanted me to do I actually felt doubt, denial and to some degree hatred leave my body all at once. I suddenly saw why I was subjected to my career and all it entailed. My life plan was revealed and I know now I was placed here at Susan's by our creator to continue to provide love, compassion and make sure the evil one did not corrupt any of the creators work and plans for those here. I had to endure what I did for 40 years so I could honestly support others with the wisdom gained all those years. We do not have the answers for a lot we go through in life and lose, but true Christians trust the creator and his will and do not argue against it with mans logic or rationalization, but trust the creator fully. I suggest you look deeper inside yourself and see why you do not trust what your creator is telling you to do. I am not accusing you of a lack of faith, but I am wondering why you cannot accept the feelings inside you. Your life and all the possessions and people in your life are not yours, but the creators to do with what he needs and desires. If you are a strong believer you will know this is true and we will be reunited with them all one day for eternity. We are only here for a very small amount of time to do the creators work and to glorify and praise him for the blessings we have or had.

Clearly I am not well at the moment, hence off forum.  I do not believe I am trans by accident.

That being said, the obsession is the issue for me, not being trans.  I will have more later, your post is powerful, you are right about the pride, and I am still adjusting to my world being rocked at home and at work.

I am very tired.  Why can I not accept?  I don't know.  But I had one horrible childhood and some of the church things has been destructive.

You words have power, I am greatful for them.

Blessings, and thank you for that post.

I may edit mine later.

[Eva Marie]

As a former long term member of the unicorn forest I know a little about denial. Note that I am *not* saying that the unicorn forest is a place where people stay for awhile before going over the falls of transition, but it was the case for me and it was the case for a number of other forum members that I could name. Many find the unicorn forest a comfortable place to be while figuring things out.

Some people believe that a non-binary person is just a transsexual in denial; I totally disagree with that view; not every non-binary needs to transition. And that's perfectly OK - be who ya are. The fact that some non-binaries feel pressured by others to transition is just wrong. There is no shame in taking the time to think about who you are; figuring this stuff out can be hard and can be hard to accept. If you decide that you are somewhere in the middle that's OK.

I stayed in the unicorn forest for a long time because I suspected that I was a TS and I didn't want to admit it. When my self destructive behavior finally drove me to see a therapist I was still in denial and I wanted her to provide a "fix" so I could keep living the old life. After 3 months of therapy I was forced to accept the truth of who I am. And I went over the falls of transition. I will admit that on some days I feel more genderfluid than female, but I mostly just feel like "me".

SJ - just be yourself Hun. If you are a non-binary that's fine, and if you figure out you're a TS that's fine too. Whatever you are people are here willing to support you.

Jessica - nice perspective on spirituality and being who the Creator wants us to be.

[Satinjoy]

I edited that which was probably offensive or ego driving out of that post.

I am still unstable.  Working on getting it back.  Just had too much hit at once, I have a breaking point, and I reached it.

So sorry.

[JulieBlair]

It is important to me to separate the concepts of religion with the idea of spirituality.  Acceptance is essential to the latter, not to the former.  For me there can not be a connection to the infinite sans acceptance and without that connection I am unable to live authentically.  To put it another way there are no inauthentic paths to acceptance, and without acceptance, authenticity is impossible. 

I cannot live a life of self deception (denial if you will) about who I am and how I see my place on this amazing planet  if I am unable or unwilling to face myself.  I cannot embrace my sexuality, I cannot express my gender, I cannot find my core without acknowledging that I am greater than the sum of my parts and that that piece of the universe inside is what gives me my humanity.

Without connections, I am doomed to psychopathy.  My life may be rich materially, but it will be barren emotionally.  I do not think that living a life of gender fluidity needs to be less authentic nor less based on spirituality and acceptance than any other.  There are lots of reasons to not fully transition, not the least of which is that both ends of the gender dichotomy are lousy approximations for who someone is.

I identify as a woman.  I usually but not always, identify as female.  I am in transition.  Is that bogus?  I don't think so.  I think it is the expression of who I authentically am.  I wish I could have figured this out long ago.  If I had, would I have moved decisively to the feminine?  Maybe, I very much like it over here, but maybe I could have expressed myself outside of a bimodal space and found joy there. 

At my time of life I do feel pressure to become authentic, become female, and do it now!  I fear that I will lose my last, best chance at finding both my temporal and spiritual self if I am not decisive.  If I were to die without living and being Julie, that would be the greatest and saddest piece of futility that I can think of.  I cannot let this slip from my grasp, no matter the cost.  That is my reality and I am comfortable with it.  Someone else may and probably does, experience life quite differently but no less legitimately.

Last weekend I spent with friends, children and grandchildren camping on the Olympic Peninsula; surrounded by forest on a blue-green lake.  Next weekend I will spend time making music, and sailing on the Columbia River.  In September I will meet friends and lovers on the east coast.   This is how my life, as I have grown, has evolved.  This is the fruit of authenticity for me.  What someone else's path is, is their path.  Male, Female, a bit of each - whatever makes a person whole and gives them joy.

I listen to my stomach,  when I am on the correct spiritual path it is calm - I am living authentically and accepting life on life's terms.  Yesterday my house was broken into and camping gear and food stolen.  I probably know who did it and will take steps to lesson the chance that it is repeated, but I find it hard to stay angry.  I understand desperation, addiction, and fear, but today my stomach is content

Fair Winds and Calm Seas,
Julie

[ativan]

Never ever be sorry that you are facing the challenges that life throws at so many of us.
Do you realize just how much you are making many of us turn and face our own, just by writing about yours?
You're setting a very good example for many of us, whether it is big or small, we are now doing some of the same.
You help when you think your not. You are that strong of a person, caring and lifting us up.
The best we can do is to stand behind you and do our best to see you through when we can be of help.
You inspire even when you think you're not deserving of it, yet you are so much more than you might know right now.
Ativan

[Satinjoy]

Knowing that I am not well - so take it with a grain of salt if you will -

First, I am not saying anyone at all in this forum is not authentic.  I have never met more authentic, caring, brilliant people in my life.

Second - I have said and always will maintain that self deception can be fatal.  It is that way in alcohol, and for me it is the same with transition.  For me to fully transition is for me to not be authentic to who I am.  For me to deny being a nonbinary transsexual is also not authentic.  I feel that I am where I need to be, physically and presentationally.

I wish I had not offended anyone.  But who wouldn't be offended, if they thought someone was questioning their choices or their validity or authenticity or motives.  Especially on something as intense as this.

What I deny is the far reaching effects of my choices personally.  Being on full hormones, with a now female body with an attachment.  How it affected my wife and my feelings.  Denying that I could possibly overcome this after 50 purges that say not a chance.

I can deny parts of my personality, lose the male that protects, and is out right now by the way, unusual for me in Susans to swing to the male gender roles and dynamics.

Can I deny that I am ego driven?  Wish I could.  I seek validation here on the forum based on a very deep need for approval.  Approval for being trans that I don't have anywhere else, past or present.  Just here.
So I found that I had value in here and it made me feel like I am more than I am.  A trap of pride.  It happens, I am human, and I am not used to this validation so I feed on it and the attention it gives me.  Just being honest here with everyone, that's how it goes with me.

Spiritually, I still feel and believe that there is a negative force that wants to twist my perceptions of being trans, that pushes me to obsess, and to disregard the family while I obsess.  All hell is still breaking loose around me and I don't have any idea what is going to happen to me now.  I have absolutely no sense of security except for some members of the forum here that have sworn they wont let me fall.  The only good news lately, other than my wife not leaving me last week, is that my hormone levels have finally gotten to full female levels.  The ramp up has been bad on the memory.  I am beginning to adjust now.

Can I deny that the hormones could be too much?  Don't know.  Gave that one totally to the endo, no control over that.  Leg shots each week.

But these spiritual attacks have been uncanny.  Really scary and I can't figure out what I did to have this stuff go down, snakes, job, loss of income, going broke, angry wife, 24/7 work required to hold it together, and depression and despair all hitting at once.  The only thing  I really know is who I am transgendered.  I see my therapist Monday and  that can help.   Once again it was suggested to me by Christians that my problem with being trans is of a spiritual origin, and I just cannot buy into that.   Nor that I can walk away from it, ever.  I am a DES Son, my body and central nervous system was transitioned before I was born - I think we can assume those findings are correct even though it is not fully bought in on my the med community.  But the Baptist position rejecting trans has been another blow I did not need to feel.

Anyway, I try to have my eyes open about how it all affects me and others, like my emotionally challenged daughter with the anxiety disorder, who can't even handle my nails.  Its life on life's terms.  I have to live with it.

So that is what I had in mind on this denial thread, and then I wound up in real trouble and am still fighting for sanity here.

Frankly I am scared shi---less about what is going to happen to me.  I am even closer to booze or drugs than in years, though it is not an option.  I have no denial that this would be suicide for me.

So, I'm still around.  But I have to be careful or I will obsess about the forum and forget about anything else in life, it is that consuming for me.  Not neg on the forum, this is an alcoholic tendency for obsession that I have to watch out for.  Was the same for racing, for bras, you name it.

Blessings regardless, and I'll keep my nails long, even in this more aggressive mindset.

I wish I could just accept that all I am is someone with a female body and nervous system and endo system, and its that simple.  That I could then just get on with it.  But it doesn't work that way with me.

And the dysphoric pain levels are real.  Manageable, better on heavy dosed estradiol, but still real anyway.

I am a mess right now.  I wish you all well.  Sorry to stir up the hornets nest, I don't know when to shut up.

Have to focus on work now, have to try to forget I am trans for a bit and just accept that I am me and that is that and nothing now can change it without serious consequences.

Blessings.  And Love to all here still.   Not something I can say easily when the male is presenting, more of my Satinjoy center, where all the love and nurturing seems to be.

Boy did I go into a dark place this time.  Yuck.

[JulieBlair]

When you come back to the light, we will be waiting.  Whenever you need love and support in the dark, we will be waiting.  No matter what, we will be waiting.

Love to you my friend,
Julie

[Jessica Merriman]

Really scary and I can't figure out what I did to have this stuff go down, snakes, job, loss of income, going broke, angry wife, 24/7 work required to hold it together, and depression and despair all hitting at once.

You did not do anything SJ. It is simply called life. There is no one or entity keeping track of bad things and meting out punishment. If you have a flat tire, you have a flat tire. My life has been totally nuts with more broken dish washers, hot water tanks, tornado damage, etc. If I thought these were punishments for something I would not be stable either. No one in vehicle wrecks I ran did anything. No one who lost a house to a  fire did anything. These things just happen. You are not under a microscope sweetie. You have to get this out of your mind and realize ALL of us go through this stuff. I have lost a lot in my life and transition, but I am not at the helm of the S.S. Jessica. My creator is.

[Satinjoy]

You know out of all this I found out I am a bit childish.  How funny

The depression broke I am doing fine now

Great posts Jess.  Really.  Love the stuff especially concerning God.  I don't believe in a punishing God at all, but I do think we have an adversary who wanted to be God and was cast down.  I suspect he got into my head.

Love to all here - nails out, hair on, looking gorgeous right now

[Jessica Merriman]

The depression broke I am doing fine now

YAY!!! 

[Taka]

the funny thing about breaking points, is that when you reach one, there are pretty much only two ways out. it's either giving up completely, or start fixing things. i'm really glad that you seem more intent on fixing things.

that addiction thing you said about the forum is true. i have a brother who turned to pc games because that's what was easily available to him when he needed something to obsess over enough to forget other worries. and another brother who switched from alcohol to games. most obsessions seem to be a way of avoiding to deal with another problem, unless it's something like mad love or some kind of mental disorder.