In distress

[Valleyrie]

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well. I've been quite down lately, I mean I always am but I can't seem to get my mind off of things. I booked an appointment with my psych for me and my Dad so I could talk to him about things so I can progress through my transition but he just seems to always avoid it and he didn't end up going with me. He done this before and said he had to do some stuff and it really makes me mad. He doesn't seem interested or like he wants to support me through all the legal processes even though he said he does. I really wanted to start HRT this year but it looks like I'll have to wait until April of next year once I can legally make decisions for myself. I can however start hormone blockers (with both parents permission) before then but I find it so hard to talk to him... we're not really close and he isn't that understanding. I think if he were to be more involved in my transition then maybe our relationship could be better but right now I feel that if he won't then I won't bother with him in my life once I'm 18. He still uses male pronouns on me and everything and it really ruins my mood. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how can I go about this? I did discuss with my psych about writing a letter instead as that'd be easier for me but any additional advice would be appreciated.

Also, I seem to be experiencing a lot more social dysphoria lately. I attend these groups so I have to take the train a few times a week and after being sexually assaulted and harassed a few months ago because of being transgender I've been very paranoid about public transport and going out in general. It hasn't stopped me I'm just very cautious and aware now which sort of sucks and having social anxiety just makes it even worse. :\ I'd like to get my eyebrows done and go shopping at a store instead of buying online but I find it incredibly hard mostly because I feel like people are always staring at me and trying to figure out what gender I am. I will admit that I have been quite hypersensitive lately so that probably plays a part in it all.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Valleyrie, I'm just so sorry you're going through this pain and discomfort. I too would be anxious and more if I had been through the same thing. I know I risk sounding trite when I say that the women on here understand because many of us have been through the unhappiness and the discomfort and even the abuse. I know you can find the strength to keep pursuing (in a safe way) the reality that you deserve. It will happen, even if it feel like a glacially slow pace.

Hugs and tears.

Jane

[Valleyrie]

Hi Jane, thanks for the reply. It always helps being able to connect with others going through or that have gone through similar things. I guess what I'm most worried about is having to wait and having my body grow even more masculine. It's such a hard road to go down especially with all the barriers in the way.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Awww. It is a hard road. And that fear of creeping masculinization is horrible. The good news is that in terms of life-span and development, you're still in the early part and you will bounce back quickly once you start hrt.

I'm not one to prescribe anything, but you might look into spearmint Tea. My experience with it before starting T-blockers was quite satisfying. (Others, I'm sure, will disagree or call the effect placebo, but I don't think it was).

[stephaniec]

sorry for what your going through , but hang in there it wont be long till when you can legally make all your own dicisions

[rosinstraya]

Unfortunately your dad sounds like a bit of a.........and whilst he has a level of control over you he will try and use it. Sadly I think, as you say, that you will have to wait until you can make your own decisions. If you can get your own roof over your head, even better.

I'm sorry that it's such a miserable struggle for you right now. It's probably a good idea to come on here and let off steam, and to know that other people care about you and your situation.

Take care...

[Valleyrie]

Thanks for the support everyone, I do feel a bit better right now. The process has been very slow for me but I'm sure the wait is so worth it. I'll definitely look into spearmint tea and I'll definitely come on here to vent more. ;p

[Rachel]

Valleyrie, it sounds like you have an opportunity to get all the preliminary hurdles done, Perhaps you can work of getting HRT as soon as you are of age. It takes a while so getting everything in order takes time. I know waiting is tough but keep moving to your goal.

If you are hassled in transit is there a way to have a "suit of armor" (coat or jacket) for the journey?

[EmmaD]

Awww. It is a hard road. And that fear of creeping masculinization is horrible. The good news is that in terms of life-span and development, you're still in the early part and you will bounce back quickly once you start hrt.

I'm not one to prescribe anything, but you might look into spearmint Tea. My experience with it before starting T-blockers was quite satisfying. (Others, I'm sure, will disagree or call the effect placebo, but I don't think it was).

I can second this. Spearmint was a very satisfying placebo for me too.;-). It is my fave tea now and I grow and dry my own.

[Cute Ida]

Hi Valleyrie,

I'm sorry you've had a trying time with your dad about your transition and the other things you mentioned. I know where you're coming from in regards to your dad. Both of my parents have had an extremely difficult time with my transition. I'm 31 years old and only within the last 10 months have I been welcome to visit my parents at their house dressed as a woman. I'm not allowed to wear dresses or skirts though. It's been almost three years since I started transition and they still use the old name and male pronouns. After three years why can't they call me Ida? Everyone else does. I've been on hormones almost 2 years. Once I started them I really felt like my true self. I was lucky to get a former therapist to write a letter of support to get on my hormones.


I'm not sure what part of the world you're in but if you are in the U.S. you could go to Fantastic Sams and get your eyebrows done. Just got my done again today. Its really cheap like 12-15 dollars unless they charge more where you are. I wish I had been able to discover who I was when I was younger but I didn't find out I was trans until I was 28. I too have anxiety. Its gotten so much better but there are days I get anxious and don't want to talk to anybody. I am also highly susceptible to depression as well. I am glad that you didn't let that assault and harassment deter you from transitioning. That is true courage right there.


About the first year I was transitioning I didn't pass that well and expected to be outed or worse but that never happened. At present I pass 90 percent of the time. Once I gained confidence in my feminine appearance I just started to naturally pass better. Three years of transition and I'm still not done. I have to finish the hormones and change my name then I will be complete. I have chosen to stay as a non-operative trans-woman due to medical and personal reasons. In my case the risks outweigh the benefits but that doesn't make me any less of a woman. Sorry, I have a tendency go on and on but my advice to you is keep doing what you've been doing and keep talking to your therapist and your dad. It may take a long time till they come around. Just try to be patient with them. Sometimes its really difficult even for me to do that. You go girl!

[JohannaJohn]

Hi Valleyrie, Some tears came to me as I read your story...one great thing about MY journey just 7 weeks into HRT is that I can FEEL and cry so much more spontaneously and I am so happy about this.  I hope YOU get the same opportunity as soon as you can.

You are young, so as soon as you are of legal age, you can totally live your dreams.  As someone else just said, try to prepare as much stuff done as you can while still a minor, so that on your 18th birthday you will have everything in place and can jump right in and totally be on the outside who you feel you are on the inside.

I denied this to myself for the first 56 years of my life, and now finally I am not denying my female self any longer, and I am over the moon with happiness.

Fantastic you are young.  If I can get great nipples and small feminine breasts just 7 weeks into full HRT, at age 18 you should be able to do this...

And, if you have the "looks" and can model when you are an adult after you have transitioned, then go for it, girl!  You are only young enough to model, once.  If this is part of your dream, then stick with your dreams and don't let others unduly interfere with dreams that you can realistically attain.

A warm hug,
Johanna.

[Valleyrie]

Hi everyone, I'm very distraught, tired and angry right now and last night was even worse. I don't know what to do. I had a major break down yesterday and my emotions were all over the place. I got so mad that I just bursted out yelling in anger and hate. I did not even see this coming and did not expect me to do that at all. This has happened to me only twice before and it was because of my "father". I couldn't stop crying for about a whole hour and when I did it just happened again and again. Just for reference I won't be referring to him as my "Dad" or anything throughout this, he sickens me and I don't want him in my life.

I just got in the car with him after taking the train and for whatever reason he didn't go to work that day... He's so freaking lazy and arrogant I swear. He starts asking me what the appointment with me and him was for and he made up some bull**** saying how he forgot and it was a last moment thing, wtf? I think I already mentioned this but he's done this before but said he had more important things to do. What's more important than your own damn child's health? He turns off the radio saying he needs to say something about it and starts getting all defensive and starts swearing.

He is so ignorant, illogical and irrational. He kept bringing up things that were COMPLETELY irrelevant. I tried to be open with him telling him how much it hurts me when he uses male pronouns on me and at one point thought I said I didn't like him when I said I didn't like him calling me son and I could tell he got even more pissed off when he thought I said that. He kept using arguments such as if I don't want him to call me son and all that then am I going to stop calling him "Dad"? WTF! I hate him so much, he's never been there for me and acts like he has. He kept going on about how I should've told him from the start and that he could've put me back on the right path as if he can change this. Then I kept asking him what's so wrong about it and he would say nothing then say something that shows the complete opposite. I'm not scared of him or anyone at all and I don't give a **** if he gets mad. He thinks I was insulting him by trying to have a decent conversation with him and threatened to slap me. He even said he'd rather shoot me in the head than see me "change" saying how he's losing me and blah blah blah. I'm trying to give him the opportunity to have a relationship with me but he does not see this at all so **** him. I'm done with him, I've tried it so many times over the years.

I literally cannot understand what is wrong with him. He starts crying and going on about how his family and crap thinking he can persuade me by feeling sorry for him. I kept asking what this had to do with what I'm trying to talk about and he thinks I'm the stupid one. He continued insulting me, he knows I suffer from severe depression and anxiety but nope, it's always about him and how he feels. He was saying how I've never had a job or ever put food on the table. No ****ing sh** I can't get a job, I can't hold one. And nice one on insulting your own freaking child who's in a horrible state of mind. He even guaranteed that I won't get anywhere and I won't get where I want with transition. He kept asking why not wait until I'm 18 and how I was born with no physical deformations trying to dismiss who I am. Does he not understand how much this affects me? I can and will wait until I'm 18 if he doesn't want to be apart of him but why the hell would you make your own child wait. He says he wants me to be happy but I don't see this at all. He has always wanted things his way and thinks he's always right.

He asked what if I do change and I start having a relationship and move out and it doesn't go well like wtf? What does this have to do with anything. That could happen to anyone no matter what gender or sexuality. He kept mocking me too about being a girl and thinks just because someone is born with certain parts then they are just that. He was using vulgar language asking if I wanted "ti**" and to chop my thing off and have a "pu***". I hate how he talks it's so degrading and disgusting. He refuses to respect my decisions so I'm not going to respect him at all. I have absolutely no respect or cares about people like this. He's one of those parents who cares what other people think about them or their children like there's something wrong with being transgender or not being straight.

I know anger and hate aren't really helpful but I just cannot help myself. He pisses me off so bad and right now I do not want to talk or acknowledge him at all but if I don't then he'll most likely get mad. The only thing I'm worried about is him taking my guitar away or probably even breaking it - yes he'd do that. He's broken many things in this house before even my brother's and mum's phone. Guitar is literally the only thing I enjoy right now and I'm scared he'll do something to it. Aside from that, I'm not going to reason with him anymore. I don't care about him and his ignorant opinions and ideals. I really do not care at all what someone thinks about me and I've never really considered him as a parent. He has a firm belief in gender roles and thinks just because he's a so called "father" he has the right and power to do what he wants. He can go **** himself for all I care. He's never known me and I don't want him to know me.

He or anyone else can say what they want but I am a girl and have always been. If this was a choice then I don't think I'd continue doing this after being sexually assaulted in the train in front of a bunch of freaking people who did absolutely nothing even though they knew and saw exactly what was happening. I apologise for the long rant but I really needed to get this out. I just want him out of my life and I'd rather be somewhere else and if he wants to kick me out just because he doesn't agree with it then fine. I could care less and I won't be crawling back to anyone, ever.

[Valleyrie]

Hi girls, thank you for the replies! Sorry for that long rant of mine I probably seem like a crazy person but I'm not. ;x I really appreciate all your kind words. I'm sorry to hear that Ida. My whole family except him has a problem calling me what I want. I'm not from the U.S but I know a few places where I can get them done. You're all very beautiful people and please don't let anyone ever bring you down! You girls give me the courage, inspiration and hope that I need to keep pursuing this dream of mine. I don't know if I'd be a model but I guess it would be nice, haha. Thank you all!

[Jessica Merriman]

Valleyrie, you vent anytime you need to. We support each other on good AND bad days, so don't worry about anything. I do hope your situation has room for improvement and you can be happy enjoying the real you very soon. 

[JohannaJohn]

Valleyrie, you vent anytime you need to. We support each other on good AND bad days, so don't worry about anything. I do hope your situation has room for improvement and you can be happy enjoying the real you very soon. 

Jessica, +1 applause to you.  Unconditional moral support is what we trans-girls are here for each other.

On "good days" and "bad days" and everything in between.  The world is not necessarily always so accepting to trans girls or trans men, so we need to support each other here.

Johanna.

[Valleyrie]

Thanks Jessica, I'm feeling very unenergetic, worried and feel like I'm losing interest in doing things right now. I'm just worried about all this testosterone in my body and I was really looking forward to start blockers at least but I doubt that's going to happen. I was trying to explain to him that I just wanted that for now but he wouldn't let me speak or even listen to what I had to say. I could give it one more go when I'm more calmed down but I don't even want to speak to him right now, he's on another level of irrational. ;\ What do yous think, would it be worth another shot? I have my next appointment in November and I should be able to see an Andrologist before then so maybe it could happen?

[Jessica Merriman]

Thanks Jessica, I'm feeling very unenergetic, worried and feel like I'm losing interest in doing things right now. I'm just worried about all this testosterone in my body and I was really looking forward to start blockers at least but I doubt that's going to happen. I was trying to explain to him that I just wanted that for now but he wouldn't let me speak or even listen to what I had to say. I could give it one more go when I'm more calmed down but I don't even want to speak to him right now, he's on another level of irrational. ;\ What do yous think, would it be worth another shot? I have my next appointment in November and I should be able to see an Andrologist before then so maybe it could happen?

I totally understand. This is a very confusing issue even for me being a Paramedic. We were never taught about gender or trans issue's in school so I was just as confused with all the same emotions you talk about. I can say it does get better, maybe not easier, but better. I don't remember if you are seeing a gender therapist, but mine helped me a LOT. They both made me see I am not crazy or silly for wanting transition and gave a lot of good advice when I had issue's at first. I have moved forward so far I am just on maintenance therapy now after finally truly accepting myself and starting HRT. It was not easy to get to this point as the ones who have supported me my first day here can attest to. It seems like it takes forever to get your journey started, but once it does it moves very quickly. I still have days where I can't believe how far I have come so far. Just know your day WILL come and the frustration will subside a lot. We are here to help you through the especially difficult days that you will have from now until then.

As for your father. Every once in a while you will encounter people who will never understand or want to. It is never too late though to try, heal and move on though. Remember, people still thought the world was flat even after it was proven false. Some will never accept us because it can cause them to look deep inside themselves to places they are afraid of. When people get set in their ways and are comfortable they just don't want that belief shattered. Do the best you can and accept you did try. If he rejects you that is on him, not you. Live YOUR life free and without regrets. 

[Valleyrie]

I am seeing a gender therapist at the moment and have been seen by 2 adolescent psychiatrist which is a requirement. I'm not sure if they've diagnosed me yet but I've basically gotten everything done. Seeing an Andrologist at 18 isn't required but recommended but aside from all that I've basically gone through the whole process. I totally agree with what you said at the end. You're very helpful, thanks.

[JohannaJohn]

Hi everyone, I'm very distraught, tired and angry right now and last night was even worse. I don't know what to do. I had a major break down yesterday and my emotions were all over the place. I got so mad that I just bursted out yelling in anger and hate. I did not even see this coming and did not expect me to do that at all. This has happened to me only twice before and it was because of my "father". I couldn't stop crying for about a whole hour and when I did it just happened again and again. Just for reference I won't be referring to him as my "Dad" or anything throughout this, he sickens me and I don't want him in my life.

I just got in the car with him after taking the train and for whatever reason he didn't go to work that day... He's so freaking lazy and arrogant I swear. He starts asking me what the appointment with me and him was for and he made up some bull**** saying how he forgot and it was a last moment thing, wtf? I think I already mentioned this but he's done this before but said he had more important things to do. What's more important than your own damn child's health? He turns off the radio saying he needs to say something about it and starts getting all defensive and starts swearing.

He is so ignorant, illogical and irrational. He kept bringing up things that were COMPLETELY irrelevant. I tried to be open with him telling him how much it hurts me when he uses male pronouns on me and at one point thought I said I didn't like him when I said I didn't like him calling me son and I could tell he got even more pissed off when he thought I said that. He kept using arguments such as if I don't want him to call me son and all that then am I going to stop calling him "Dad"? WTF! I hate him so much, he's never been there for me and acts like he has. He kept going on about how I should've told him from the start and that he could've put me back on the right path as if he can change this. Then I kept asking him what's so wrong about it and he would say nothing then say something that shows the complete opposite. I'm not scared of him or anyone at all and I don't give a **** if he gets mad. He thinks I was insulting him by trying to have a decent conversation with him and threatened to slap me. He even said he'd rather shoot me in the head than see me "change" saying how he's losing me and blah blah blah. I'm trying to give him the opportunity to have a relationship with me but he does not see this at all so **** him. I'm done with him, I've tried it so many times over the years.

I literally cannot understand what is wrong with him. He starts crying and going on about how his family and crap thinking he can persuade me by feeling sorry for him. I kept asking what this had to do with what I'm trying to talk about and he thinks I'm the stupid one. He continued insulting me, he knows I suffer from severe depression and anxiety but nope, it's always about him and how he feels. He was saying how I've never had a job or ever put food on the table. No ****ing sh** I can't get a job, I can't hold one. And nice one on insulting your own freaking child who's in a horrible state of mind. He even guaranteed that I won't get anywhere and I won't get where I want with transition. He kept asking why not wait until I'm 18 and how I was born with no physical deformations trying to dismiss who I am. Does he not understand how much this affects me? I can and will wait until I'm 18 if he doesn't want to be apart of him but why the hell would you make your own child wait. He says he wants me to be happy but I don't see this at all. He has always wanted things his way and thinks he's always right.

He asked what if I do change and I start having a relationship and move out and it doesn't go well like wtf? What does this have to do with anything. That could happen to anyone no matter what gender or sexuality. He kept mocking me too about being a girl and thinks just because someone is born with certain parts then they are just that. He was using vulgar language asking if I wanted "ti**" and to chop my thing off and have a "pu***". I hate how he talks it's so degrading and disgusting. He refuses to respect my decisions so I'm not going to respect him at all. I have absolutely no respect or cares about people like this. He's one of those parents who cares what other people think about them or their children like there's something wrong with being transgender or not being straight.

I know anger and hate aren't really helpful but I just cannot help myself. He pisses me off so bad and right now I do not want to talk or acknowledge him at all but if I don't then he'll most likely get mad. The only thing I'm worried about is him taking my guitar away or probably even breaking it - yes he'd do that. He's broken many things in this house before even my brother's and mum's phone. Guitar is literally the only thing I enjoy right now and I'm scared he'll do something to it. Aside from that, I'm not going to reason with him anymore. I don't care about him and his ignorant opinions and ideals. I really do not care at all what someone thinks about me and I've never really considered him as a parent. He has a firm belief in gender roles and thinks just because he's a so called "father" he has the right and power to do what he wants. He can go **** himself for all I care. He's never known me and I don't want him to know me.

He or anyone else can say what they want but I am a girl and have always been. If this was a choice then I don't think I'd continue doing this after being sexually assaulted in the train in front of a bunch of freaking people who did absolutely nothing even though they knew and saw exactly what was happening. I apologise for the long rant but I really needed to get this out. I just want him out of my life and I'd rather be somewhere else and if he wants to kick me out just because he doesn't agree with it then fine. I could care less and I won't be crawling back to anyone, ever.

Valleyrie, this made me cry some.  A new emotion for me, thanks to this wonderful estrogen and progesterone.  Cannot help myself.  I can now FEEL the suffering of others in a way I could never have imagined before starting to take strong female hormones.

You my dear DESERVE to align your body with your obviously female mind.

Stand up for yourself, girl!  Good for you!

Being beat up while using public transportation...OMG why are people SO intolerant...watch out for yourself, girl...yikes...

I hope your journey becomes more peaceful and happy for you, and as soon as possible ASAP.

I feel for you, and I totally hope you can soon feel the euphoric happiness that I now feel in my life.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR FEMALE DREAMS!!!

A BIG BIG BIG hug to you,
Johanna.

[Valleyrie]

Thanks for your kind words Johanna, I really can't wait to start hrt. I know it'd make me feel so much better about things. Not just about myself but probably the way I view things in life. *hugs*