In distress

[Squircle]

Hi Valleyrie,
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you right now. I didn't start transition until 33 but my parents have both been very supportive, and without that things would have been so much harder.

Can I ask, do you have friends who support you, and are there any other family members who support and understand your position? It sounds like you do need some kind of mediator in your discussions with your dad. His refusal to come to the appointment is pretty shocking, and a real shame because that would've been the perfect way to discuss this.

Do as much as you can yourself in preparation, if needs be make sure you have somewhere to go once you start hormones. Could you keep your guitar at a friends house for a while?

And believe me, the social anxiety will get better. I was a mess in my first few months of full time, and I felt like any time I went out people were staring at me, when in truth they weren't at all. I remember once feeling everyone's eyes on me as I walked down a high street. Then I saw my reflection in a window. Even to my eyes, I looked unremarkable, and I could see in the reflection that everyone around me was just getting on with their day, there was no looking or pointing at all. It's really difficult to get over that first stage but once you do then your confidence will just keep getting better and better.

You know what you want, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Your dad may have some control now but that won't last and he will only be as big a part of your life as you let him. You've clearly got a real inner strength, bouncing back from the assault and facing up to your dad proves that, so as corny as it sounds keep believing in yourself.

I really hope everything works out for you.

[Valleyrie]

Hey Squircle, my whole family are supportive and accepting of me except for him. I think I'd like to move out once I'm 18 but not sure if I'd be able to on my own though it would be nice. I don't really have any friends and the ones that I do have live quite far. I get what you mean, I always feel like people are staring at me and trying to figure out what gender I am. With that said, my social anxiety has improved a lot over the years but now it's more to do with my gender I believe. That didn't sound corny at all and thanks.

[JohannaJohn]

Valleyrie, SO great that you have many others that support you, other than your dad.

I am older, and so my parents are both deceased, I think my mother would have supported me but I am not so sure about my dad.

I have a great relationship with my sister, although I live far away in Latin America.

Most, but not all, of my family accept a lesbian female cousin of mine when she came out about 10 years ago.  She talks like a truck driver, smokes cigars, and basically works as a mechanic and in building construction.  She is male, IMO, but has chosen to see herself as lesbian...more power to her!

I think my sister would accept my coming out, although I won't necessarily have to do that anytime soon since I go the USA only about once every 2 weeks or so, and I am a legal permanent resident here in Latin America.  As my breasts grow, soon I may not be able to hide them presenting as male as anymore, so I will simply probably have to come out in most in my work and personal relationships in the Latin country I live in.

In about a a month or so, depending on my hair growth and breast growth, I will probably go in for a professional bra measuring for a sports bra when presenting as male, and then some pretty feminine bras for when I want to present as female while shopping etc.

Hey, it will be nice to not have to use push-up bras anymore, if and when I reach that stage soon.

I am also getting some excellent hair advice in another forum here on this website.

Hugs and kisses Valleyrie, In the end, your perseverance and determination to win out with your true female goals...IMO opinion you are obviously female gender, I have no doubt about this, and no matter what your dad says, I don't think you will change to male again.  YOU ARE FEMALE, Valleyrie!

xxoo
Hugs and kisses my dear,
Johanna.

[Allyda]

Thanks for your kind words Johanna, I really can't wait to start hrt. I know it'd make me feel so much better about things. Not just about myself but probably the way I view things in life. *hugs*

Hi Valleyrie,

I've been lurking around this thread of yours reading it when I can. Your story concerning the difficulties with your father has hit so close to home with me. So I know how you feel all too well. My adopted father was both physically and verbally abusive, and even at one point when I was growing up had a neighborhood kid beat me up to in his way of thinking, toughen me up. The memory of this incident in my childhood is very hard for me to write about as the emotional hurt from this still lingers in my mind today. In fact, though I've written about other incidents in my childhood this is the first time I've wrote about this. He could never accept me for who I was even years and years later as an adult. It took him having a major stroke about 9 months before his death, before he finally got to know the real me.

Just don't let anything or anyone stop you from transitioning once you come of age. You don't want to be looking back from middle age on your best years lost to misery and anguish knowing you could have been happy had you just listened to your heart, and not the opinions of ignorant people. I'm 49 pushing 50, and when I think about the best years of my life thrown away I can't help but cry. I have to stop here.

Just know that you have all of us here behind you, and have my best wishes you'll be able to live as the young woman you are soon.

Edit: JohannaJohn, I'm happy to see another older lady going through a successful transition.

Allie

[JohannaJohn]

Hi Valleyrie,

I've been lurking around this thread of yours reading it when I can. Your story concerning the difficulties with your father has hit so close to home with me. So I know how you feel all too well. My adopted father was both physically and verbally abusive, and even at one point when I was growing up had a neighborhood kid beat me up to in his way of thinking, toughen me up. The memory of this incident in my childhood is very hard for me to write about as the emotional hurt from this still lingers in my mind today. In fact, though I've written about other incidents in my childhood this is the first time I've wrote about this. He could never accept me for who I was even years and years later as an adult. It took him having a major stroke about 9 months before his death, before he finally got to know the real me.

Just don't let anything or anyone stop you from transitioning once you come of age. You don't want to be looking back from middle age on your best years lost to misery and anguish knowing you could have been happy had you just listened to your heart, and not the opinions of ignorant people. I'm 49 pushing 50, and when I think about the best years of my life thrown away I can't help but cry. I have to stop here.

Just know that you have all of us here behind you, and have my best wishes you'll be able to live as the young woman you are soon.

Edit: JohannaJohn, I'm happy to see another older lady going through a successful transition.

Allie

Allie, I am over the moon with happiness!  Progesterone and estrogen are beloved and the mental changes are the BEST!  I can cry, I can FEEL, I can UNDERSTAND my cis genetic girlfriend even better, all of my business relationships have gotten better 7 weeks into very full dose HRT...

My father sometimes BEAT my mother, and then later BEAT my step-mother.  He was a good dad in many respects, but with these actions he was criminal.  Back then, no one took it very seriously so he never was arrested.  I witnessed this as a child.  This makes me want to cry, for my beautiful mother.

Valleyrie, you can be the strong girl and be your true self.  Not everyone will accept your female transition.

THIS IS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT YOURS.

Big warm hugs,

Johanna.

[Valleyrie]

@Johanna

I'm very sorry to hear that, I'm sure it would've been nice for your parents to see you for who you really are. I'd actually like to get a bra right now just to feel more feminine but I have no breast lol. It's hard because he doesn't understand I've always been female and nothing is going to change that. I really hope all goes well with your coming out, it will be nice for people to see the real you! *hugs*

@Allyda

Hi Allyda, I really appreciate you sharing your story and taking the time to read this thread. I know I made some pretty long posts. That really sucks you had to go through all that. I can understand why it still affects you to this day and I've never understood the logic behind beating someone up or making them do things to toughen them up. He has been very abusive both physically and verbally to my family but mostly my Mum which has caused me to despise him. I certainly will not let anyone stop me from doing what I want, ever. I know I'm young but I've lost most of my life in agony and despair and still am. I need to be myself or else my life will continue to be depressed and empty.

I'm glad there are others who can relate to my situation and whom I can share my pain with, it really helps being reminded that I'm not alone in this. I've been very depressed since what happened about two days ago and I haven't been getting out of my room as I don't want him to speak to me at all. I got my eyebrows done yesterday and the lady referred to me as a boy and how I should get a boy's style which just made me feel even worse. >.> My two brothers have been very helpful and have been bringing me in food and water which I am so thankful for that I have many others who support me.

[Rachel]

Val, hugs

You are very strong. I never had the guts to do what you are doing at your age. You really are an inspiration.

I think you already are very far along in your transition (minus the HRT) and I know you will succeed and do well.

[JohannaJohn]

@Johanna

I'm very sorry to hear that, I'm sure it would've been nice for your parents to see you for who you really are. I'd actually like to get a bra right now just to feel more feminine but I have no breast lol. It's hard because he doesn't understand I've always been female and nothing is going to change that. I really hope all goes well with your coming out, it will be nice for people to see the real you! *hugs*

@Allyda

Hi Allyda, I really appreciate you sharing your story and taking the time to read this thread. I know I made some pretty long posts. That really sucks you had to go through all that. I can understand why it still affects you to this day and I've never understood the logic behind beating someone up or making them do things to toughen them up. He has been very abusive both physically and verbally to my family but mostly my Mum which has caused me to despise him. I certainly will not let anyone stop me from doing what I want, ever. I know I'm young but I've lost most of my life in agony and despair and still am. I need to be myself or else my life will continue to be depressed and empty.

I'm glad there are others who can relate to my situation and whom I can share my pain with, it really helps being reminded that I'm not alone in this. I've been very depressed since what happened about two days ago and I haven't been getting out of my room as I don't want him to speak to me at all. I got my eyebrows done yesterday and the lady referred to me as a boy and how I should get a boy's style which just made me feel even worse. >.> My two brothers have been very helpful and have been bringing me in food and water which I am so thankful for that I have many others who support me.

When I go in for my makeover at the beauty salon in a few weeks after my breasts are just a little bigger and my hair a little more beautiful longer to post photos here at Susan's, I won't settle for anything less than totally feminine!

I mean, they will see my small breasts and so I will tell the stylist that I am taking hormones to become female, so please do my makeup and nails professionally so I have photos of me to post in various places that I want to post them...such as HERE!

I won't accept anything for a "boy" or male.

I might have to appear in "male mode" again for work a few hours later, so I will ask them to take that into account when styling my hair for my photos.

I wonder if I will have trouble trying to enter my apartment building as a female...yikes!  The security guards might not recognize me...OMG!

I might have to take off some of the makeup at a shopping center before I come home, I guess...although I know that Mascara doesn't come off for about 12 to 24 hours...

Valleyrie, you are the customer...they have to comply with your request to look like a GIRL if you want that.

Valleyrie, get push-up bras with B or C cups.  They don't cost a lot of money if you buy an economical brand.  This is what I did, when going out in public about 10 or 15 times last year with male shirt and pants, but push-ups bra and some eyeshadow and blush.

Valleyrie, many girls here have had the EXTREME distress you are feeling, everyone is on your side here.  Cry on our shoulders if you need to.

Now, I have had a reasonable life as a male.  I have a beautiful princess 6 year old daughter named Nicole, for one thing.



It is just that starting HRT, and learning FOR SURE that my body and mind feel in super euphoria of happiness with pure estrogen and pure progesterone.  My body is changing drastically just 7 week into hormones, and my mind and emotions are changing even more.  I feel total harmony and oneness with my life and relationships.  What more can I say?

I hope that you can have the same very shortly, and that your roadblocks become superhighways leading up into the sky where you can fly to your female rainbow.

There really IS that pink or purple unicorn there, waiting for you, when you are able to get there.

Warm hugs,
Johanna.

[Valleyrie]

Ahh, you girls make me so happy. ^.^ That means a lot Cynthia so thank you!! The way I dress is quite androgynous but more on the feminine side, I think it's just a few things that sort of give me away and plus I don't really try to come off as female. I'm always so exhausted because of my depression and it gets me down so I have no energy to put into anything. I should probably try make-up, I only really wear small amounts of eye-liner and mascara because I have no idea what to do. :p I really want a bra now and I so can't wait for the emotional and mental side of hormones once I'm able to start. I can't wait to see your photos, I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman!

[JohannaJohn]

Ahh, you girls make me so happy. ^.^ That means a lot Cynthia so thank you!! The way I dress is quite androgynous but more on the feminine side, I think it's just a few things that sort of give me away and plus I don't really try to come off as female. I'm always so exhausted because of my depression and it gets me down so I have no energy to put into anything. I should probably try make-up, I only really wear small amounts of eye-liner and mascara because I have no idea what to do. :p I really want a bra now and I so can't wait for the emotional and mental side of hormones once I'm able to start. I can't wait to see your photos, I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman!

I am still learning, too, Valleyrie.

Try youtube.com.  There are hundreds maybe thousands of beautiful girls showing makeup tips on just about any makeup topic you can think of.

For my photos, I will have female pros do my makeup so it is done RIGHT.

Johanna.

[Allyda]

Makeup I was taught by a beautician that ironically, my adopted father was dating after he and my adopted Mom got divorced. She was very good and I really appreciated her taking the time, and going against his wishes to show me. She and I are friends to this day even though he's long gone.

@Johanna: I can't wait to see your photo's. I bet you already look great!

@Valleyrie: Thanks for understanding. Your words mean a lot to me.

Allie

[JohannaJohn]

Makeup I was taught by a beautician that ironically, my adopted father was dating after he and my adopted Mom got divorced. She was very good and I really appreciated her taking the time, and going against his wishes to show me. She and I are friends to this day even though he's long gone.

@Johanna: I can't wait to see your photo's. I bet you already look great!

@Valleyrie: Thanks for understanding. Your words mean a lot to me.

Allie

Thanks so much Allie...well I hope so...the hair now growing longer is coming out beautiful natural light medium brown with some curls near the end.  This is fun, Ally...what an amazing journey this is so far!