So yea uhhh Hi! I'm not really sure how to start off here. I've been a lurker on these forums the past couple of weeks and figured it was about time to do one of these little introductions. First of all if it doesn't go without saying Eyie is not my real name lol. It's actually the name of a character I played in an online roleplaying game for years in my teens lol. I still haven't fully picked a name for myself yet but I'm leaning towards Vanessa I think but we'll see I figured Eyie works for here but anyways I'm rambling now sorry.
Anyways, where was I. I'm 27 years old and have always had thoughts of being a girl and becoming one since I was at least four, pretty much as long as I can remember. I remember even at that young constantly fantasizing about being a girl or various imaginations of ways of becoming one. This feeling has never gone away. In my early teens I began to dress in my mothers things almost any chance I got to myself. I continued to do this until I was probably about 19 or 20 years old and being very conflicted decided it was time that I quit and that I was never going to transition so I felt I should just stop and try and conform to what I was born with I guess. Not long after that at all I started doing others things like reading various tg erotic stories and things of that nature. I still always sometimes would still feel ashamed by this but felt it was a lot better than dressing so I've just stuck with doing that instead until very recently. This brings us to now.
I never really had a girlfriend or anything of the sort and honestly that type of thing never really crossed my mind. I didn't obsess over stuff like that that seemed to almost consume the lives of all the people around me. At 22 I was still very much a virgin and still had no idea what if anything type of relationship I'd ever decide to pursue. This is when a very close friend who I had known for over a year or so at that point in my life confessed her love for me. I always had some idea that she might have felt this way for me but never decided to pursue it but she was so set on us dating and said it would kill her not to at least try so I did. This is where it gets a little funny. The first time we ever had sex, the first time I ever had sex I got her pregnant. She was told she couldn't have kids so this news couldn't have surprised either of us more but long story short we decided to have the baby and try to work as a family. 4 to 5 years later and add another son to the mix and here I am still always having this secretive side that I hid from my wife always looking at tg material whenever I was alone. A few months ago out of no where, I'm not even sure where it came from but, I decided to where some of my wife's clothes. This opened up a whole new world for me to finally be able to wear clothes of my generation. My wife has such a wide array of different styles of clothes to the point I could probably never stop experimenting. I've now gotten to the point where it's clearly no longer at all about anything sexual or getting turned on by it in some way and more like it was when I was younger. At the same time every time I dress no matter how good it makes me feel at first I always get so upset when I look in the mirror and just see a boy dressed in girls clothes.
I have always been a very depressed and anxious person my entire life. I'm not gonna lie I have even thought about suicide on more than one occasion. A little over a year ago I started working for the Carpenters Union. As always I was my normal anxious self. People always think I'm just this quiet reserved guy who is just a little weird but people see after awhile that I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I can't blame people for viewing me this way because how I act socially is way beyond my control but I really am a very outgoing and open person that sadly only a few people have really ever gotten to know really well. But back on subject, working in this kind of environment with nothing but men watching how they act and talk just makes me realize how much I'm not like them and even somewhat despise them with a very few being exceptions.
Well I have definitely rambled on with way more information than I should have for a simple introduction and I'm sure I've hardly even said half of the things running through my mind at this point. In conclusion I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that this is not something that I can repress for the rest of my life and this feeling is not going to go away. The need to finally be who I am on the inside be shown on the outside is stronger than it ever has been before. I am almost positive that this is something I need to do or it will tear me apart for the rest of my life. I've already read a great deal of information on this site and have found answers to almost every question I've had for myself. I still can't get over how much I can relate to people on this site in ways I always thought I was alone in. Mostly everything I read is like I'm reading thoughts from my own mind. I have so many fears, that I would most likely have to change careers as I would be uncomfortable going through transition as a member of the Carpenters Union but mainly what this will do to my wife and kids. I'm almost positive from things my wife has said in the past that she will never accept this and I'll probably be lucky if she doesn't try to keep my two boys away from me. I worry the most about what it will do to them. I don't want them to be negatively affected by this in anyway but most seem to say all in all it will be for the best. I worry about being able to support them with a career change but I would do the best I could. From everything I've read the first thing to do is consult with a gender specialist which I'm currently trying to find but with great difficulty. If anyone knows of a good one I'm located in central New Jersey and any help who be greatly appreciated. Also do you think I should tell all this to my wife before I meet with a counselor or should I wait until afterwards. We have a vacation planned the end of this month and I figured maybe I would make that one of our last potential good times as a family but I don't know if I can wait or if it is right to wait. Alright I should really stop now I'm sorry once again for how long this has been and my constant rambling and thank you anyone who took the time to read all this. I look forward to being a part of this community. You have all already helped me so much. So for now I guess I'll see you around.
-Eyie
