I was assigned with the Female sex at birth.
However, the first few years of my life, I lived as a male. My mother wanted a son (her first born was a male, but she had emancipated him, along with the following two daughters afterwards), and I was something of a last resort. My father was not there to support my first three siblings, but he had a change of heart and treasured me from the moment I was born, to the point where I became 'daddy's little "girl"'. I stayed in Thailand for a while during my toddler stage, and from pictures I've seen over the years, I wore boy clothing, I played and wrestled with boys my age, I was boisterous, loud, and cheerful. My head was often close-shaven and I would always have marks of scuffle on me.
At age 18 right now, I remember every detail of Thailand and it's near and dear to me and I miss it more than I can say.
Upon returning to America and beginning school beginning with kindergarten at age 5, I was somewhat forced to change, my mom picked out skirts and shorts for me, made me grow my hair out, and the like. I became a girl until 6th grade. During middle school, the other girls made pretend families, listing each other as mother, sister, daughter,etc. I wanted in on it, but I was terribly recluse after switching elementary school and becoming immersed in strangers who were violent, and well, different color (in my first elementary school, most everyone was Hispanic/Caucasian and were raised to be polite and the like, this new district, I was the only child that was not African American, and these children came from apartment homes in the very ghetto area of the urban spaces, many of which who exhibited aggressive, rude, and dominant behavior). I was 13 when I first used eyeliner, I drew my eyes in dramatically and dubbed myself as emo (ah, that's embarrassing, looking back on it). One of the few people I spoke to in school extended a family invitation to me and I took it, but something in me asked them "Can I be a son, instead?" and she was surprised, but accepted. I then dubbed my fake sister as a brother, and amused by this, she accepted that title.
This fake family broke up when we went to high school. The silly little pretend game was forgotten and we matured, but I still didn't want to revert back to being a girl and told a few close people that I was male. I felt happy doing so, liberated and relieved. Those people accepted it, but I knew they wondered why despite being male, I had such large breasts, long hair, nails, and wore makeup and girls' clothing. I wonder the same thing sometimes.
I tried to be braver. I began to buy boy clothing and wore them to school, but I would be criticized and gossipped about because I still had an introverted personality and I had quite the nasty glare and vulgar mouth, the boy shirts didn't suit my long hair and makeup, apparently. As high school further progressed and my female features did as well, my parents began to burn it into my head that I am a Laotian WOMAN. A WOMAN is beautiful, she has long, natural black hair, she is skinny and beautiful, she is docile and submissive, she cooks and cleans and takes care of children, she is intelligent and at the top of her class. I failed in every aspect they had demanded from me. I always had obscenely colored hair, I had facial piercings, I am extremely overweight, I am sharp-tongued if I'm not quiet, and I almost flunked high school. I am a failure.
Graduated and now off to college in two week's time, I want to be recognized as male. I think of Thailand often, and when people hear of that, they often associate it with the 'trannies', seeing as how many men would undergo surgeries and come out female. The people around me laugh at that, ridicule it and find it disgusting, but I for one admire them for going after who they really are. I would give anything to have been born in a male's body. I have considered sex change surgery, but upon my research, I don't think I would go through with it. I want to have a natural, normal working penis, a real one, not some artificial material rubber that can't do the most basic of functions. I want a naturally lower voice, I want masculine features, I want everything a man has. I have none of it.
Instead, I have large, DD cup breasts. I have long hair. I wear makeup to look feminine. I have long, manicured nails. I wear women's clothing.
But I have love/hate for it. I like the look of long hair, I like doing nails, I like drawing with eyeliner. But I hate female pronouns and names. I hate my birth name, and after having accepted being transman, I have yet to adopt a name. A chest bind doesn't work on me very well. If I really am who I think I am, I want to have a boy's haircut. I would stop wearing makeup, and as funny as it sounds, I'd get rid of my long nails that hold a heavy sign of femininity to me.
Is it wrong to call myself transman when I like female things like makeup and nails? Or is it because I've been so brainwashed into accepting that this woman is what I'm supposed to be, that I like those things? I want to do the surgery if this lost boy is really who I am, but I'm so afraid that I'm wrong, that I'm not male at all. And after the surgery I find out that I really am meant to be a woman, the grief is too much.
I'm afraid to come out to family. I will wear makeup and girls' clothes in front of them to make them think I am normal, but it hurts doing so.
Can I really be transgender, but somewhat willingly conform to the ideals of my sex?
