I am going to say something you don't want to hear. Now I hope you and she can work this all out, but you really need to weigh what's about to happen. For me, hiding who I am was no longer an option and it finally had to come out. And I lost my spouse. We're still legally married but it's a tax marriage of convenience until she can get back through some college classes. We're not intimate and never will be again. And she has conspired with my sons to keep my grandchildren from me. Fortunately, my daughter has been on my side and I've gotten to see those kids still.
In my naivete two plus years ago, I thought we'd find a way to work it out. I thought she loved me as a human being. But when the arguments began I learned that I had mostly been a penis and a paycheck to her. It was a painful and startling revelation but it also explained her affairs that she'd had years earlier in our marriage, affairs that she'd given up, as it turns out, solely for the sake of our children.
I don't know what your situation is but if you're already fearing it, you need to talk to a therapist and you need to weigh what you're about to do. For most of us who reach this point, we simply cannot fight it any longer and we have to deal with whatever is thrown at us. But there are a few who decide that the cost is too high and pursue other methods of coping.
Note: The AMA and APA do not advise coping and have publicly stated there is no useful statistical data on coping strategies. Additionally, "reparative" therapy, which is often used to help people cope has been proven to increase suicidality. So keep all that in mind as you face all this.
I wish I could offer you words of encouragement but my own transition has taught me to expect the worst, but celebrate the best when that does occur.
