Looking for Answers

[Hopeformyfuture]

I've never felt 'male'

I felt that I wanted to say this for sometime now but I feel as if my mother would not understand and my father would reject even more than he has already as, how every time I try and say something to her the words get stuck in my throat and the sense of shame I feel is overwhelming

My name is Robert, if I was to pick a female name it would I like to think its Melissa. I am an Aussie male about 190 cm tall (6'3?). I dislike my body intensely, if fact the only thing I like about it is the height, otherwise I cannot stand my body. When see myself in the mirror I think is this really me? As well as I feel like my penis is something attached to me and not apart of me

for as long as I can remember I have not felt that I was male. While since I was a child I was always aware that I was different, but could not find the reason why. Over the years I've felt always as if I was pretending to be a male. I am the eldest of 4 brothers, This has only highlighted it more over the years, I don't like sports and don't like hunting and don't like fishing (a big thing here) as well as many other things along the same lines. For lack of a better reason it feeling like a part of my soul is missing

I've had fantasies about becoming a female since I was 13ish (ie being abducted by Aliens and them killing this body but preserving my mind and being honor bound to replacing it with another of my choice).

I know that I am a Bisexual (I fell in love with another guy when I was only 17 I took a long time realized that I did, he did not return that feeling). I've always had these feminine pose thing (like hand on your hips, fiddling with my hair). And when I was in High school I got along far better with the girls than I ever did with any of the boys (by this I mean I was popular with them rather thought of as one of them), as well as I've always got on far better with women in my extended family than I have ever had with the men.

I was kick out of home when I was 16 as my stereotypical father(heavy drinker, bar fighter, that kinda thing) thought that it would toughen me up all it did was make me more vulnerable about my sexuality and gender issues. Lots of other troubling things happened in that time between 16 and 18. Every time I think I found the solution to my problem it would spawn other problems with my friends and family "why are you shaving your legs" Metrosexual they would calling me,  as well as other not so nice things. I learnt to block out the discord in heart and just keep going, I became very good at not feeling anything at all.

So from then until now I've had a lot of trouble with people I've always been the touchy feely type person which has lost me a at least 2 jobs. A few years ago I met a women who we will call Amy (not her real name) who was born a male and is now a woman and I did fall in love with her but she fell in love with one of my close friends (I am still close friends with the both). I always admired her clothing and would like to ask her advice and tell her about what I am feeling but am terrified (I almost did once). I worry if I do this she may have to tell others about her past (something I am not feeling very good about).

Now at 30, I believe I owe myself to find if I am Trans or not again, and to see if its the missing piece of my soul and I don't want to wake up in 10 years feeling the same way. I imagine that I will start with cross-dressing and then if it feels right more will come in time

This is a much a confession as a quest for me. The quest to find why I feel the way I do, what ever the consequences are, I believe I should stop being afraid of it. Hope it that I am Trans as I don't think I can keep going like this as a broken person and cannot for the life of me figure out what else it maybe

Yes I am trying to seeing a psychologist to talk about this stuff as I feel like I have been trying to figure out this forever, and I believe that suicide it is not the answer and only creates more problems with those who are left (so don't worry about that). And I've trying to get the money to train to be a masseur

what I hope to know is how did you embrace your true self and how did you learn trust that feeling
and where do you think I should I start?

PS. I wrote this over a week trying to find a reason not to post it. I hope to find the answers to whats missing in my broken soul

[mrs izzy]

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I hope we can find something that will mend your broken soul.
Safe passage on your path and again welcome to the family.
Izzy

[Jessica Merriman]

First a big warm welcome to the family here!  Your story is so much like most of us here. We have all been where you are now and I can say it does get better. Sure there are some things and people you will lose along the way, but living as your true self is an amazing payoff for the frustration and emotional toll transition takes. How do you feel like a genuine girl? That is simple. Do not compare yourself to anyone else looks wise, etc. You are an original human being and how you present and act is all yours to own. Let no one ever tell you that you do not meet some crazy definition of being a woman. Most insecure trans girls especially try to compare themselves to super models and that is impossible to live up to. Just be you, an original and distinctive girl. 

[Ms Grace]

Welcome to Susan's! Many people start this journey/process (call it what you will) when they are at our most vulnerable and in the most emotional pain, that's usually when all the reasons to not transition no longer matter a jot. Hope you find answers here.

[LivingTheDream]

Heya's and welcome to the forums!

As to your question about where to start I would suggest starting to look for a gender therapist or even just a regular one if you like. I think in you case, it would be an excellent idea to try to talk with your friend "Amy". She could be such a help to you if you do talk with her; she could help you discover yourself, help with finding a therapist and so much more.

I know you mentioned that you were worried that she would spill the beans if you told her and ya, she could, but at the same time, she has gone through this all already, probably had the same fears and worries as you, so I think that if anyone could be trusted to keep a secret, someone who can understand, she could. So ya, in your case, I think that would be my first step.

[Hopeformyfuture]

Sniff
Thanks girls
I am working towards seeing someone but its not cheap. I live a very long way away from the major centers where the support would be so the best I can do is just seeing a Psychologist

[Susan522]

My suggestion would be to talk to your friend Amy.  If anyone would understand your need for confidentiality, she would.  Of course I do not know her, you do.

[immortal gypsy]

Hi and welcome Susan's

A warm welcome from the great southern land

Most if not all of us have been where you are now. Some  of us yesterday,  some last month,  some last year but we have been there so don't be afraid to ask questions or join in the fun and games to help distract you from some of the days problems.

Don't be afraid of using every resource at your disposal even if it involves having a quiet word with your friend Amy, if your not already on the path to finding a psychologist she may help light the way.  You don't have to tell her everything just as much as you feel comfortable for now

[Hopeformyfuture]

Amy transitioned when she was in her late teens (i believe), other than her boyfriend I believe that I am the only other in her circle of friends that she has told. I've told myself that they should be the third and fourth persons that I will tell after myself and my therapist.
I am already starting to doubt myself again. 
How did you women learn to trust your inner voice? I've always had major trouble with trust it and what its telling me

[Susan522]

Amy transitioned when she was in her late teens (i believe), other than her boyfriend I believe that I am the only other in her circle of friends that she has told. I've told myself that they should be the third and fourth persons that I will tell after myself and my therapist.
I am already starting to doubt myself again. 
How did you women learn to trust your inner voice? I've always had major trouble with trust it and what its telling me

I transitioned in my very early 20's...22/23.  Only my brother, his wife and his children know and they are totally cool with this as by brother was only six when I transitioned and the rest never knew me "before".  I guess this is one of the advantages of transitioning early in life.  Of course my husband knows but his attitude is pretty much the same as by brother.  The only "me" that he has ever known, is the woman that I have always been.

Trusting your inner voice is important.  However, before you can do that with confidence, you must first be confident in who you are.  You must get to know who are.  Learning to trust your own judgment, your "inner voice", is part of growing up.  It takes courage and wisdom.  In my case, I prayed for guidance, and I prayed for strength.  Later in my life, I learned to pray for wisdom, the wisdom to make wise and well though out choices, based on facts.

There is much talk about 'changing the world'.  IMHO you must first change yourself.  Before you can do that, you must first know yourself.

[Hopeformyfuture]

Thank you Susan its been a question on my mind for sometime, trusting myself is the hardest thing of all

[Jessica Merriman]

Thank you Susan its been a question on my mind for sometime, trusting myself is the hardest thing of all

Sometimes it takes life experience to see what is truly important in life. I fought Dysphoria for 40 years before I had the experience and confidence in myself to transition. Remember, you have been living and seeing yourself for one way for a while now. It takes a lot to think about changing that perception. The best advice I can give you is have no shame or guilt with how you feel. That drove a lot of my resistance and I should not have let it. When I acknowledged I had a medical problem no different from someone needing a transplanted organ it all made sense and I found peace and the confidence to move forward. It may sound dramatic to compare us to a transplant patient, but Dysphoria will cause both mental AND physical symptoms which can shorten your life with stress and depression leading to all kinds of issue's with your body. 

[YinYanga]

Hope a therapist can help you find more answers to your quest. Be open, honest and self-critical..it's not a decision you can make lightly

You're always welcome here 

Vivien

[Jaz650]

Sorry you have been going through such a difficult time. I came out to my family at age eleven. My parents did not accept me. They would throw away my make up and clothing. However, at the age of fourteen I was a psychological mess. My parents for once saw the pain I was enduring. After years of worrying if I would come home alive the following morning, they accepted me. They let me transition at fourteen, and my dad is going to SRS with me in 2015, thanks to Jesus! I believe you must be honest with yourself. If you are a woman, you have to be a woman. It's a difficult choice, but I pray like my parents, your parents will come around. However, you are obviously suffering in your body. You need to choose now what can you live with? Next step see a doctor, and she will give you a proper diagnosis. God bless you Melissa!

[Hopeformyfuture]

The support means a lot to me thank. Going to see my Doctor tomorrow so I can get him to organised a Therapist. I've been suffering for years trying to find a reason to go on with life now hopefully I will have some peace of mind 

[Hopeformyfuture]

Doctor has read this, and organised some blood test for hormone levels as well as a genetic test for XXY syndrome, I've always had low T levels but not low enough for replacement(just below normal) and XXY sound like some I may have just from reading the description of the symptoms
Cannot see a Therapist until the 20th due to Medicare 

[Susan522]

Medicare???  I thought that you had to be 65 to qualify for Medicare?

[Hopeformyfuture]

 
I live in Australia where medicare is a free services for everyone the government pays for most medical care if you want to wait

[immortal gypsy]

Congratulations on starting. Sorry to hear about the wait to see the therapist. I found the best way to pass the time between now and then was to work out what I had, and what I needed to help me transition. (Name, hair removal, make up,  clothing, voice, mannerisms)
Good luck for the 20th

[Hopeformyfuture]

  I tried to tell Amy and her Boyfriend in an indirect way late last night about how I feel, I think I may have to try again and just come out and say it without mixing my words up (something I appear to very adept at) > her Greg (not his real name too) got upset with my posting pictures on facebook about some High-heeled shoes and tagging Amy in it

Back to my eternal Head Ache