Parents forcing me to see psychiatrist instead of gender specialist clinic?

[Annabellekay]

@ katiej, He will usually call once in a while to check up on me. She tells me not to answer because supposedly each time we talk on the phone he charges money. I can't confirm any charges, but supposedly he does according to my mom. To me it sounds like she doesn't want me talking to him. Our insurance doesn't cover the counseling so we usually have to pay out of pocket, around 170 per session. I used to go every week once a week,  and then twice a week, and then tuesday she forgot. I knew very well I had that appointment, I knew she would forget and I was going to see if he called the house before the appointment to see if id be coming or whatever, but no call, and she ultimately forgot, wether intentional or out of the blue. But to me it sounds like she doesn't want me seeing him, as nobody in the family what so ever believes him. Ive found cheaper services at a teen center, they don't have a gender specialist but they actually did a few months ago until she left after 12 years of working there ironically, but the director guy at the teen center said i could talk to him if need be since its cheaper, 10$ for a half hour session rather than my usual full hour. Ironically enough my grandfather is in the 'breakfast exchange club' with this guy who is the LCSW at the teen center. So i could see him there for the time being, but ultimately i should be seeing the clinic, and the the guy even told me that he's seen an epidemic with homeless trans youth and intolerant parents, he's no specialist but he said  he'd do what he could to help. Its frustrating to know she just doesn't get it and wishes it would go away, its also sad because I feel like I'm tearing apart this family. I realize i should get some balls and just do this on my own but its hard, i don't know where to start.

[stephaniec]

I'm curious, if you wanted to join the armed services and your parents said no what would  you do

[Annabellekay]

I see your point, you being trans and a vet which I highly respect, thank you by the way. If you did it, I should be able to do it. You -did- it regardless, knowing the military has a policy against trans but you defied it. That takes courage, thats all I can say. I wish i could have that courage.

[katiej]

I realize i should get some balls and just do this on my own but its hard, i don't know where to start.

It sounds to me like you're pretty young, and still living with your parents.  Yes?

Have you considered college?  Do you have a job?  Do you have a long-term plan for what life will look like after transition?  Remember that transition isn't the goal...it gets you to the goal of being able to live your life.  So what does that life look like for you, and what are you doing now to get yourself closer to that life?

[Megumi]

I'm going to ask some of the tough questions Anna, these were all things I asked myself over the years.

Are you in a position in life to actually begin transitioning?
Are you financially sound and able to pay all of your current bills and have some left over to use for your transition?
Are you able to support yourself in case all safety nets are taken out from under you? For instance what would you do if your family disowns you, can you survive without them?
Do you have a support network of people that you can lean on in times of great mental stress? Having people here on the forum & facebook is ok but having a person you can talk to face to face is very important too.
Are you prepared to face true uncertainty in how you will be treated in public, by family and by co-workers?
Are you prepared to put everything on the line to be yourself and face the harshness of reality that is transitioning?

I asked myself these questions many times throughout my 20's and usually the answer was NO up until I was about to turn 30 last year! The main thing to realize here is that above all else you have to be able to in a good enough place all around to really transition. Sadly this is not cheap to do and most insurances still don't cover costs for most of the things we have to do and end up paying out of pocket. You've witnessed a big roadblock in your own transition and that's the fact that you are totally reliant on your mother for nearly everything from what I've read so far, not harping on you by any means or trying to put you down. IMO as tough as it is and I've completely been there before but you need to work on finding some stability in your life and get out from living under your mom's wings. It sucks, it really really sucks to put transitioning on hold but that's a reality many of us have faced over the years. You are still young and can still easily start really transitioning by your mid 20's and still have very positive results. You can join the military, simply keep the fact that you are transgender a secret while you start to build up a solid life.

[allisonsteph]

@ aaggat Well via car, to get to the clinic is only 53 minutes, vs the busses or train which would take around 2+ hours so time wise driving would be the best IMO

Annoying? Yes. Inconvenient? Yes. Insurmountable? No.

The public transit where I live (and will be leaving soon) is horrible. I spent three hours going 17 miles yesterday because of how poorly the local system is. But in the end I did what I needed to do without the help of others.

@Katherine. She worries that Im going to do something that Ill regret. She also doesn't believe the counselor when he says stuff to her about this, her and the families claim is that he's putting things into my head and telling me what I want to hear, that the counselor didnt work for my brothers depressive issues so he's not helping for me.

I'm 45 and my mother worries about the same thing. That is the nature of mothers, they want to protect us but unfortunately they can't always see what would help us.



I think that it is fantastic that at your age you are able to identify that you are not comfortable with the gender you were assigned to/raised as and are at least aware of the services that could help you. That is something that I am sure many of us older folks would have liked for ourselves. I know that for me personally, if I had been aware that the feelings I had were called gender dysphoria and there were people who could help do something about it when I was twenty, I could have saved myself two and a half decades of alcohol and drug abuse and self-hatred.

Hang in there. You are on the right track. You are aware of the issue and are aware of some resources that can help you. The rest is just logistics, stick with it and it will happen. It's not a race, this is a long haul that will have many bumps in the road. I can't speak for anyone else but for me it is the best thing I have every done.

[stephaniec]

I see your point, you being trans and a vet which I highly respect, thank you by the way. If you did it, I should be able to do it. You -did- it regardless, knowing the military has a policy against trans but you defied it. That takes courage, thats all I can say. I wish i could have that courage.

well. the service was a long time ago and had nothing to do with my trans issue, I was drafted. the point was that your an adult

[katiej]

Megumi brings up some great points. Transition is an expensive process, and you'll need to have a plan in order to get through it.  Remember that 40% of teenagers on the streets were kicked out of their homes for being LGBT.  Don't let that happen to you.  You may need to just suck it up and put some things off until you can do them by yourself.

I know you're focused on getting counseling now, and dealing with the depression.  That's good.  But I would bet that forming a long-term gameplan and starting to attack that a bit at a time will turn out to be very therapeutic and liberating for you.  Try to have a big-picture perspective and look at this as a process that will take time.  The feeling of independence and control of your own destiny will probably help you feel much better about yourself...standing on your own two feet.

And those who have suggested the military aren't meaning that it would help you transition.  It would get you out on your own, and you could save up money to use towards transition in a few years.  It's pretty common to get a hefty signing bonus when you enlist.  Back when I enlisted, they were paying people $20k or more to sign up for the infantry.

BTW, you mentioned seeing that counselor twice a week at $170 per session.  Seriously?  I have a stable, well-paying career and I wouldn't pay that much.  It sounds like the guy at the teen center is exactly who you should be talking to right now.

[Annabellekay]

to katiej and the others mentioning the military lol. it would be cool but i have no clue what i could do there, i am so not the type for any military school, not by any means. Im very political and scientific, i can analyze things and strategize but by no means am i physically fit for the military or anything, I'm 5'2 and 85 lbs. I can be a drone pilot or bomber, thats about it lol. I love fashion so if I were to go to school, I would love to go to chicago, get an apartment there, and get to the clinic from there since its chicago, its all right there really within 10 minutes of travel really. I have my own agenda and dreams, ones my family or counselor don't even know about. Id love to just move to chicago, become a fashion designer, take a political science class maybe at most, make art and fashion stuff, transition, and just live a whole new life. monetary wise, I have a good chunk to start with. Lets say around 12k tops, being real here. I have a bank account, my grandparents have saved a lot for me....so I mean, that could -technically- be used to get an apartment and live off there. The clinic I'm wanting to go to is totally willing to help me out everything, I have insurance and for whatever reason I get cut off from my parents, our state has medicaid and other insurance, I spoke to a woman there over the phone about insurance stuff. My state seems pretty progressed when it comes to insurance laws and even violence/discrimination but lets be real it exists everywhere no matter how many laws you have. So if I -had- to move out, I could probably do it. So yeah, thats what I have to add to the conversation really that I can think of atm. sorry if i missed anything! I get its a time thing, Im just losing patience and trying my best to cope and relax, but nothings really working. Its frustrating. Ill contact the guy at the teen center and see what I can do with him, he gave me a few people to contact that are somewhat closer than the clinic that may be able to help resource wise for my mom and me, for like social groups and stuff. meetings, idk. but yeah. thanks all!

[Annabellekay]

quick update, the clinic will be calling me tomorrow, I'm looking to make an appointment with them, regardless of my means of transportation. i found a friend (ftm) in my area who goes to a different clinic but both are about 10 minutes away from each other give or take, so yeah. he said we would take the train cause thats what he does, he's been on hormones for 4 months. On that note my mom is taking zoloft she got from her doctor and shes making it known shes that 'shes being medicated by the doctor' and 10mg is a lot for someone who doesn't take any medicine, etc. little does she know zoloft takes about 2 weeks to really kick in, so its all dramatics to me really. then she had to audacity to ask if I had any appointments coming up and I said no, knowing i should see my counselor or the other one in the area, someone, and that she should of kept her word with my counselor on taking me; but nope. So thats where Im at this moment.

[stephaniec]

well good for you it's your health

[Lauren1]

$170 seems a bit much. You don't have to see a psychiatrist, you can see a psychologist for maybe half that. The benefit of a psychiatrist is that they have a prescription pad which could be what your mom is after. But if cost is an issue and you just want to talk to someone, push for a psychologist. I would suggest you go see someone, whether its the clinic or who your mom wants. In a previous post you said some concerning things. Your depression/anxiety could very well be rooted in GD/GID but it also might be rooted elsewhere. Let a qualified, licensed psych. into your life.

As you probably know, WPATH changed their standards so that a therapist letter (annoying gatekeeper) is no longer an official WPATH requirement. But doctors do want to see it (mine did). And this is huge, everything Megumi said a few posts above needs to be considered. You need to talk to someone. Even if it's not your first choice. I'm just concerned because I see real pain and frustration.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

$170 seems a bit much. You don't have to see a psychiatrist, you can see a psychologist for maybe half that. The benefit of a psychiatrist is that they have a prescription pad which could be what your mom is after. But if cost is an issue and you just want to talk to someone, push for a psychologist.

I agree with this. Psychiatrists seem to be all too eager to just push a pill on you. (But that's what I tend to see) Yeah, $170 is really high. Is there anyone in your area that charges on a sliding scale? I remember seeing a psychologist that worked on a sliding scale. I paid no more than $50.

[Mermaid]

Hello.

I felt and still feel as hopeless as you do sometimes, so I can relate on a few aspects.

I think it's going to be hard to transition in that household, the logical solution is to secure your independence, like getting a job and saving up, for starters.

About the gender clinic being far away, I don't think that's an excuse if you really want this. I needed two diagnosis to begin HRT, so besides going to my hospital regularly (which is over one hour away), I took 3-hour trains to a city completely unknown to me, alone. On the days I went, I would get up at 9am and not be home before 10pm... So yeah, who cares how far it is and how long it takes to get there? If that's what you got to do, do it.

Your mom seems very controlling, like mine, but I'm fortunate enough to not have her obstruct my path towards transition. I only just started anti-androgens a couple months ago, and it was actually her that convinced my dad to let me do the medication. I suppose she's coming to terms, though she still asks me to repress myself... But whatever, baby steps, I think that's what you should do too.

Quite frankly it doesn't sound like your mom respects you very much, or your opinion... I don't think that's likely to change unless you show her that you're serious, by working towards your goal on your own without expecting people to drive you around etc.

Also, this sort of thing takes time. It's been two years since I sought out help and I remember being in your shoes, unable to look at other girls, introverted, hiding myself, angry at the world, etc. Things aren't perfect now but they got better, once I realised that even if I wasn't living as a girl yet, I was already alive and there were things I could do. Growing out my hair, dressing in private, laser hair removal, and... Dating. I don't know if the latter is an advice I'd give to anyone, but meeting people in a romantic context helps me. I won't lie, I came out of some situations feeling used, but that's my fault only and I usually don't regret doing whatever I did, because I feel and get treated like a girl when meeting someone. Sort of makes the wait for estrogen less painful and important... Like I'm not me in public, but that there's always someone I can be me to in private...  But, that's just me and I how I learned to deal with things.

[Isabelle]

I hate to pull the "tough love" card here but seriously.... Grow the F up. You're an adult. Get a job. Get some money, take your life into your own hands. It's yours but you're letting someone else run it and complaining about how it makes you feel. I left home at 15. It was an absurdly bad idea but, I've been I charge of my own life since then. Did I make mistakes? Yup. Would I do it different if I had a second go? Yup. Everyone would. But, you're not even taking the basic steps if realising your own existence. "It's too far to travel" isn't an excuse. " I don't have any money" isn't an excuse. You're clearly literate. That means you can work. Get a job. Any job. You'll most likely hate it. Guess what? Most people hate working and never achieve their "dream" career. Suck it up. Take some responsibility for yourself as an adult and make your life what you want it to be. Pack your bag and run away to some crazy city where you don't know anyone. Get a job as a dish hand in a queer night club. Get a job delivering mail. Just do something. You're 20 years old. Take off the pull-ups and put on your big girl pants.

[Taka]

just to bring some perspective on the transportation problem...
if i'm to transition, i'll have to go to a really far away clinic (there are no close ones).
i'll have to leave at 7pm the day before the appointment, and will only get back home at 11am the day after the appointment.
the two nights in between will either have to be spent in my sister's apartment, or on a train.
i envy you.

my mom is also just as bad as yours. in the end you'll just have to decide that your happiness means more than any argument she can come up with, and simply tell her that. tell her that this is about your life, not hers, so the decision is yours to make. don't let her guilt trip you into anything, tell her you'll go anywhere with her, if you actually want it. and you'll go nowhere if you don't.

if you want to demonstrate your independence, sit down in the living room with a book, instead of playing computer games. these days, people actually believe in the power of books. you may even take the bible, not for religious reasons, but because it's an interesting book to read, and you can learn a lot about what religious fanatics base their distorted views of the world upon.

and do get a job. a good job will be your refuge when things are bad at home.

[Allyda]

I don't want to sound harsh either. But if your 20 years old and you can work getting a job could be the best thing for you right now. I don't care if it's working at McDonalds, it would put some money in your pocket and allow you, after about 6 months to move out on your own and start saving a little money for Doctors appointments and other transition needs. In addition, having a job, being out on your own and self sufficient is a great way to combat depression. And during the interim you can do the things you can now as others have suggested such as growing out your hair, dressing in private, and combating facial hair (facial hair is natures worst curse on human beings of any gender. It serves absolutely no purpose biologically and is the hardest hair on the human body to get rid of). You'll be surprised at how much being self sufficient and living on your own will work in a positive way to offset depression. It won't cure it mind you, but it will help control it. In addition, this will show your Mom how serious you are about transition.

Ali

[Annabellekay]

So today the lady at the clinic called, I made an appointment for the 7th, so it gives me time to plan stuff out and ensure i have a way of getting there, back, etc. First appointment is free, they wont guarantee hormones on the first visit, which is fine, I don't care about those at this exact moment, i more or less need a doctor to take this case over and help me through it in all ways possible. So okay, appointment is made. So half hour later my mom gets home, says she was at a counselor today and that she wants me to go talk to her. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt, go on this places website, go in their therapist index, they have a few people that work with LGBT issues, etc. On the website I also found multiple links to the howard brown clinic, Human rights watch, and other things I guess they support for resources etc. On their site they also had a few books for parents, and etc specific to trans and LGBT issues. Im willing to give this place a chance, Im just suspicious of my mother in a  sense, so ill give her the benefit of the doubt that she wants to help, and I'm hoping if i tell this person whats going on that she will get the message and tell my mom like hey this isn't going away, this is legit. Thats my hopes. I don't need 'help' from them as much as I need somebody to tell her like to straighten up with this in a sense. But if this doesn't go well, I will be looking for someplace to move and start getting my ass going on that, because I'm gonna be having funny business ill just lose all hope. Im already resenting my family and her. Its not healthy. Its a dysfunctional toxic family that I don't want to be a part of anymore. For better for worse I just need to get out of there, wether its 6 months from now or  a year, I just need to save up and go. Im honestly looking into the wicker park/buck-town area since that tends to be more of the hipster part of town. Ive already found a few viable options if worse comes to worse and I need to get out of dodge faster, especially since I made this appointment, the woman who called was slightly worried if I made this appointment if I would get kicked out or things would escalate. I told her so far things aren't getting worse but it not getting better, so the hell if i knew what would happen if she found out i went or was going. I was just planning on going with my friend regardless really, i mean if she wont do it then ill do it, i can't pussyfoot around it. a LCPC and lcsw can do so much, I'm hoping this new place would be decent for me in the least, i would hope i would have support there and my mom would get it. I think, and I wont be a psychic here lol, but I think the zoloft the Dr put her on kinda snapped her out of this, but i don't know really, ill have to wait and see.

[Annabellekay]

So today I have an appointment with this new counselor, Im hoping all goes well and that my situation or whats going on doesn't get spun aound.  We'll see how much OCD identity issues i have for having atheistic, humanistic trans inclusive views. lol. (sarcasm).

[mrs izzy]

just be honest with your answers and questions.

Hugs