Am I being Selfish?

[Gina Taylor]

In 1994 my mom discovered that I was a transgender and she didn't do very much except send me to a therapist and they put me on medication. During that time my father's health has been declining and in the past few weeks he's had three heart related surgeries. My current therapist has told me to put aside my problem and to 'man' up to the current situation with my family. Am I being selfish if I can't just all of a sudden change midstream? My plans are that I wanna go full time, but apparently my family needs me as a man and not as a woman. As Vinnie Barbarino would say "I'm so confused!"

[mrs izzy]

First if a therapist that is supposed to be helping me with my GD issues told me to man up they would not be my therapist after.

One has to take there own responsibility in life separate of what others might feel or act.

There is no law that give one person control over the other. Those days are go.

Do what you feel you must do. maybe girl up and do what is needed in the current family situation.

Hugs

[Jess42]

Wow Gina. I really don't know what to say. I don't think being who you are is selfish in the least. But it is something that you are gonna' have to decide. A therapist told you to man up? Say you are a guy and you have long hair and you knew your dad hated long hair on his "son", would you get it cut? I may be selfish too but I wouldn't. I just don't know what to say but it is gonna have to be your call.

[Gina Taylor]

First if a therapist that is supposed to be helping me with my GD issues told me to man up they would not be my therapist after.
I just thought it was a weird comment for him to say, but my mom was present and I think he was trying to appease her. I'll have to ask him about that the next time I see him. the reason my mom was there is because she feels that I go there and I just talk about my problems and not what is going on outside of my world.  But isn't that what I'm seeing a therapist for???
One has to take there own responsibility in life separate of what others might feel or act. I realize that, but you see my mom expects me to just drop everything and attend to the needs of my father until he dies. I've got my future to think about . . .

There is no law that give one person control over the other. Those days are go. I don't think my mom has realized that. A friend who was talking with her a while back couldn't believe how much control she thinks she has over me. Right now I'm in the process of taking over my life financially! 

Do what you feel you must do. maybe girl up and do what is needed in the current family situation. I may just have to do that, 'cos there really isn't much man left in me. 

Hugs

Wow Gina. I really don't know what to say. I don't think being who you are is selfish in the least. But it is something that you are gonna' have to decide. A therapist told you to man up? Say you are a guy and you have long hair and you knew your dad hated long hair on his "son", would you get it cut? I may be selfish too but I wouldn't. I just don't know what to say but it is gonna have to be your call.

Very good advice there Mrs. Izzy.  Thx. A lot to think about but I do kind of know which way I'll be heading . . .

[nayuki]

MY grandparents whom are the ones who raised me for the most part, pretty much say the same thing just instead of "man up" they say grow up.  they would say the phase I'm in will end according and everything will be alright..  yet I've had the same problems for many years already before I ever got the courage to bring stuff up to anyone.  I say if your heart feels like your doing the right thing then that's good enough ^.^  I don't understand what your therapist would suggest leaving everything, other then maybe having to much to handle with everything ?  I know I had a lot of low points and any added stress was just enough to put me over the edge, maybe he just wants to see you succeed short term and when things settle down worry about the whole Transgender issue.  Personally I would never go backwards.

Sorry if I just rambling on about nothing hope it helps ^.^

[Ciara]

Hi Gina,
My first reaction was that he should not have said "man up". On further thought, I think that what he was trying to say was that your family need to stay together at this difficult time and that perhaps you might consider holding off your transition in the short term to facilitate them.
It must be a very difficult decision for you. You will know in your heart what the right decision is. Good luck and we will all support you whatever you decide, and we will never consider you as selfish.
Ciara

[TheQuestion]

Honestly, man up is a pretty generic and IMO, weak statement.  I sort of look at it as being an easy way out when you really have no advice to give.  That's an indication to me that he may not be a very good therapist and isn't really empathizing with YOUR situation.  Everyone runs into health problems, but it doesn't mean you should have to change who you are and live in pain because of it.  If they feel like you can't be there for them as you are, then why would changing "superficially" make any difference.  Your still the same person and you being there for them shouldn't really be any different either way. 

I've read a lot of your posts Gina and it seems like your father is just having a difficult time understanding or accepting you for who you are, regardless of whether he's sick, that's his problem.  I don't mean that to be as cold as it sounds; just reads that way.  Maybe when you need to be there for them you could present as male for a while, but I really don't think you should sacrifice everything; especially if this is everything you ever wanted.

[JesseG]

"

apparently my family needs me as a man and not as a woman.

What sort of need to they have that only a man can provide? You're not a steer used for breeding.

Do they need you to work a job to support some family members financially? Run a household? Do house / car maintenance / cook / clean? Take care of siblings? Take care of ill or elderly adults? You can do all of these things as male or female or transitioning. Sure, it's more challenging, but as they say, "where there's a will, there's a way".

Your mom says you have to drop transition to take care of your dad? Prove her wrong.

I'm saying this with the assumption that you intend to step up to the plate and help your family when they need it. Because transition shouldn't prevent you from contributing to your family.

Is your therapist a man? Tell him to "woman up" and see how he likes it.

[TheQuestion]

BTW, is he a gender therapist or just a general therapist who may have limited experience?  I'd assume that if he was any good as a gender therapist then he'd realize transgendered people have the highest rate of suicide and that simply trying to just have you ignore things and "man up" could be a pretty risky proposition on his part.

[Jess42]

I hate that saying, "man up". What is exactly manning up? I definitely agree with The Question that any therapist whether experienced or not in gender issues would tell someone with GID that is MTF to man up. Really it is pretty reckless and uncaring and insensitive to you. Maybe you should challenge them the next time you see them and ask them what exactly they mean by it. *Trigger warning* I think, but I would ask them what if I were suicidal and telling me to man up made me go through with it and left a note specifically saying I can't man up placing the blame on the therapist in question. If they don't have too much experience it may make them think next time about being so reckless with words that make us even more dyphoric.

[mrs izzy]

Very good advice there Mrs. Izzy.  Thx. A lot to think about but I do kind of know which way I'll be heading . . .

I am glad i gave you something to think about and feel it helped some.

You deserve a life of happiness outside your mothers control for sure.

Hugs and safe passage.

[suzifrommd]

My current therapist has told me to put aside my problem and to 'man' up to the current situation with my family.

If that were my therapist, it would be the last sentence he ever spoke to me. I'd walk out of his office and find another therapist.

Any therapist who thinks you should "put aside" being transgender, should not be in practice.

Please consider that this guy might be doing you more harm than good.

[Megumi]

Do what you think is best for you! Only you can decide what is really best for yourself. Don't let any family member or therapist tell you how you should be. They don't have to live your life, you do.

[Pia Bianca]

My current therapist has told me to put aside my problem and to 'man' up to the current situation with my family.

I'm certainly no native speaker but I wouldn't understand this as to stop transitioning. I'd rather understand a request to be strong. I'd understand: "stop questioning yourself and be strong." It admittedly IS an awkward way of telling that to a trans woman.

[StevieAK]

I had a therapist call me a man playing dress up once...I forgot her name as I never went back. 

You have to take care of you as no one else can and have nothing to be ashamed of, live your life it is short and meant to be lived.

[Gina Taylor]

BTW, is he a gender therapist or just a general therapist who may have limited experience?  I'd assume that if he was any good as a gender therapist then he'd realize transgendered people have the highest rate of suicide and that simply trying to just have you ignore things and "man up" could be a pretty risky proposition on his part.

My therapist is a mental health therapist.

I hate that saying, "man up". What is exactly manning up? I definitely agree with The Question that any therapist whether experienced or not in gender issues would tell someone with GID that is MTF to man up. Really it is pretty reckless and uncaring and insensitive to you. Maybe you should challenge them the next time you see them and ask them what exactly they mean by it. *Trigger warning* I think, but I would ask them what if I were suicidal and telling me to man up made me go through with it and left a note specifically saying I can't man up placing the blame on the therapist in question. If they don't have too much experience it may make them think next time about being so reckless with words that make us even more dyphoric.

I agree with you 100% that that wasn't the appropriate thing to say, but as I said, I think he was just trying to appease my mom. But as said I'll be talking with him about that when I see him again soon. But 'Manning up' in his terms I think was simply to put aside what I'm doing and be a man around the family and try to
appease your mother, 'cos she's going through some hard times. Right now my dad has developed dementia, but it's been developing slowly and he's gone a bit looney tunes with it.

I am glad i gave you something to think about and feel it helped some.

You deserve a life of happiness outside your mothers control for sure.

Hugs and safe passage.

I know. She goes on about how she's devoted her life to me because of my accident for the past 36 years and now she's expecting me to return the favor and be there full force for her. She's forgetting that  aside from the fact that I am her first born I do have 2 sisters that are quite capable as well.

If that were my therapist, it would be the last sentence he ever spoke to me. I'd walk out of his office and find another therapist.

Any therapist who thinks you should "put aside" being transgender, should not be in practice.

Please consider that this guy might be doing you more harm than good.

As much as I'd like to, he's been the best one that I've found who actually listens and advises me.

Do what you think is best for you! Only you can decide what is really best for yourself. Don't let any family member or therapist tell you how you should be. They don't have to live your life, you do.

Very good advice, and I will take it into consideration.

I'm certainly no native speaker but I wouldn't understand this as to stop transitioning. I'd rather understand a request to be strong. I'd understand: "stop questioning yourself and be strong." It admittedly IS an awkward way of telling that to a trans woman.

Again he's appeasing my mom and telling me that he thinks that my transitioning to a woman should come second considering what is happening with my father who is having sever health problems and may die. But you've all made very good arguments that I am not being selfish if I continue onwards with what I've been doing.

I had a therapist call me a man playing dress up once...I forgot her name as I never went back. 

You have to take care of you as no one else can and have nothing to be ashamed of, live your life it is short and meant to be lived.

That's got to be the worst! It's almost as bad as people calling me a cross-dresser. Believe me, I quickly correct them and tell them the truth about who and what I am.

[Jessica Merriman]

As much as I'd like to, he's been the best one that I've found who actually listens and advises me.

Gina a good Therapist would have stood up for their patient and their well being. NOT placate your mother and tell you to "man" up. This Therapist DOES NOT have YOUR well being as his goal. Many have told you this, but you still stand behind this person. Why? Why ask for advice and then disregard it all. You are going to be stuck in this continuous cycle until you take charge of your life. No reason for denying your right to happiness is going to fly. 

[FTMDiaries]

Gina, I'm wondering: when is it ever going to be okay with your mom for you to transition?

You've already waited 20 years. Twenty years since they found out you're trans. You've tried the medication, you've tried therapists, you've done everything they've asked of you. I'd call that giving it a good ol' college try... and you're still trans.

So right now your mom wants you to hang on so that you can support your father. But in the very sad event of his passing, do you honestly think she'll suddenly say "OK Gina, thanks for helping with your dad, I'm happy for you to transition now?". Or is she going to move the goalposts again? What'll be next - wait until your mother dies? Wait until your sister's kids grow up? Wait until the second coming?

Gina, honey... I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever. You've mentioned that she's very controlling and manipulative - and I believe that's exactly what she's doing to you now. But here's the thing: she can only control you and manipulate you if you allow her. If you want to transition, you'll need to break the cycle.

Here's what I would do: tell your mom that you're attending your therapist appointments on your own - you're an adult and are entitled to privacy. Either call your therapist out on his 'man-up' comment, or drop him like a hot potato. And tell your mother that you'll be more than happy to do your share of helping your father - which is to offer 1/4 of the help he needs, since he has three other women who can help him too. But tell her you won't be doing the lion's share because you're going to need a lot of time, support and money to successfully complete your transition. Your mother and sisters need to 'man up' too.

[Jessica Merriman]

I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever.

definitely this /\!! She is only worried about HER life, not YOURS. Well said FTM!!

As to your topic title, you are not being selfish, you are being unrealistic.

[Rachel]

Having a parent's health fail is vey difficult, hugs.

Perhaps a new therapist, especially a gender therapist would be in your best interests.

I wonder if the "therapist" you are going to is in alliance with your Mom and does not have your best interests at heart.

About presentation, do what feels right realizing what is being asked may be for a short period or prolonged. What will reduce your stress more? Perhaps the best thing for you is to get an apartment with some other trans* in your area.