In the words of the one and only Wil Wheaton: "Don't be a dick". That's pretty much everything anyone needs in a philosophy, right there. And since I'm such a big fan of throwaway, one-line philosophies, how about the wisdom of Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted 'Theodore' Logan?: Be excellent to each other... and party on, dudes!
In all seriousness: I honestly think we all need to go easy on ourselves. Yes, it can be frustrating that you & I have been socialised inappropriately. I know exactly what it feels like instinctively to default to female-socialised behaviour at the most inappropriate times. I understand how emasculating that can be.
But we need to cut ourselves some slack: nobody can blame us for acting that way on instinct, particularly if we feel threatened or insecure. We were deliberately trained to respond in that way for X number of years; there's no need to beat ourselves up over something that was beyond our control, or that we learned as a defence mechanism. So if you find yourself responding in a way you find uncomfortable, simply acknowledge what's happened, accept that this is something that can rear its ugly head from time to time, and try to make a conscious effort to do something different next time. You can do this by thinking about the situation later when everything's calmed down. Think about how you'd prefer to act if you had the choice... and then try it out next time. If you keep doing this, you can train yourself into new patterns of behaviour.
So my suggestion is to experiment with being more active rather than passive... whilst keeping Wheaton's Law in mind at all times.
