Seeking advice

[MartaA]

Me again..

Sooo... Unfortunately I was right about her putting the brave face. Yesterday she snapped, like completely lost it.. She can't see my point or view, that being transgender do not change what kind of person I am, that it won't change my character and traits that she fell in love with. She just goes with, you'll completely change, I'll won't be attracted to you, you'll start to like men, etc. Worst thing was, she said that it would be better to hear if I would confess that I've cheated or that I fell in love with someone else. Maybe not, the worst thing was that she would stand by me if I got sick in a way that would change my appearance completely(even mentioned pretty bad cases of cancer), but me becoming feminine and looking like a woman is too much.

That last thing left me speechless.

[LoriDee]

So sorry to hear this.

It is clear that she does not understand, and confuses being transgender with being gay. Transgender is a gender identity - it is how you see and express yourself. Whether or not you like women, men, all, or neither is sexual preference. It has nothing to do with being transgender. You can be trans and gay, or straight, or whatever the same way that she can be gay, or straight, or whatever. It doesn't change who you are.

I wish she would be willing to sit down with you and your therapist so she can ask the questions she must have. Help her figure out what her role is and will be in all of this. Only then can she make an educated decision about how she wants to handle it. She still might leave, or maybe she will begin to understand and want to stay.

Good luck.

[Robbyv213]

My only suggestion that I can make is dont keep it a secret for too long if your relationship is getting serious. She has the right to know and decide if she wants to pursue a relationship with someone who wants to be the opposite gender.

I have first hand experience with this. I have know about my feelings, thoughts and desires to be woman all my life. I have tried to repress it and ignore it by doing very masculine things like joining the military, bodybuilding using steroids, and just about every other masculine thing one can do. But it always comes back.

I kept this from my wife. When she found out she was very upset. She felt I kept this from her. That I took away a choice that was hers by not letting her know before we got married. She felt very hurt, angry and betrayed.

So my advice is to not keep it to yourself for too long once you know exactly who you are.

[Robbyv213]

Sorry I guess I am a bit late on this one.

I am sorry it did not go well. And I feel that's a very common assumption about gender and sexuality.

However that might something that will eventually need exploring as well. I have heard many stories of people being on HRT for years and the sexuality shifts. And then again I have heard people saying it never changed.

You just never know as you transition a d your body changes and your mind gets re wired so to speak. I know I am b when it comes to sexual intercourse. romantically speaking I can only see myself with a woman. Sexually speaking in my mind there is nothing more that would make me feel feminine other than to be sexually intimate with a man.

Gender and sexuality as so complex.

Anyways communication is key for any relationship to survive. Just always be open and honest. And if she feels she can't or doesn't want to move forward with you then that's completely her right to do so. It may hurt and suck but you will.move on and find the person that loves and accepts you for who you have always been.

[Robbyv213]

I am in a very similar situation. My wife had the same reaction initially, but she did not leave. We try to talk a little bit as we can. But it's been something she has been ignoring.

I feel like you do. I won't change other than my appearance. Who I am, how I show up in our relationship everyday, my character and personality traits will all be the same. So it boils down to my appearance, and possibly what others may think of they found out.

I feel the same. She always asks if I'll stay with her if she lets herself go or has a medical condition. Of course I'd stay. But now I am hearing from her that if I change and become as much of a woman as possible that she doesn't know if she can stay by my side as my wife. Make mes wonder if I ever got out of shape or had testicular cancer or something that causes or could cause transition and appearance change vs seeking it out for mental health. What's the difference, in my opinion and point of view there isn't one.

I'm sure we all change. The person we once we is going to die a d be replaced by the person we have always been on the Inside. I know from my wife's reaction was that she felt our relationship was built on a lie. All those future dreams are now going to be changed or won't happen at all in her mind if I move forward and become the woman I feel I am. The man she feels in love with is dying and will die in her eyes. I don't see it that it that way but that's how she perceives and feels it. There's no way I could accurately put myself in her shoes to know what she is going through.

For now we're still together. Seems like we are ignoring the elephant in the room but life happens and we get stuck in the daily routine and living life. We I feel we have had our arguments and fights ( in sure there will be plenty more) but our conversations have been more about trying to understand for both of us. She has not asked me to leave and she has not left yet either. So it was very rocky at first. I hope that this is a sign that we will be ok and get through this together and that with time and compromise I can eventually become the woman I know I am.

[LoriDee]

I think part of her issue is going to boil down to sexuality. If she is not physically attracted to a female, she fears that she will not be attracted to you. But she still cares for you. But she doesn't want to be seen as a lesbian either.

If you have a full transition, including surgery, the two of you will need to work on different ways of being intimate so that you can still satisfy her, and she you. She might feel that she is unable to satisfy you in that manner. It could mean that she must adopt a role (top) that she is uncomfortable with and didn't sign up for. It is a whole new world that you both would need to explore together. But it takes two to Tango, so if she is unwilling to try...

All you can do is be you. The person she fell in love with. Maybe that is enough to stay together. For many that is all that matters. For some, if sex doesn't work for them, they will go elsewhere. And that doesn't just apply to trans couples. Go slow, keep an open mind, and be very patient.

[ChrissyRyan]

Marta,

You will retain parts of you but your appearance will change over time, depending on your transition steps.  Your sexuality could change or not.  While men can be feminine, women can be even more feminine.  That sounds obvious but it is a delightful difference being a woman instead of a man.  It is not all roses though being a woman.  We have problems like men do.


Best to you,

Chrissy

[MartaA]

Hello everyone,

Soo.. This topic is pretty much being left out, she doesn't bring it up and we just live where we left before I came out and I don't know what to think about it.. But at least we're not fighting or crying all the time.

To address sexuality issues, I got to say that at the beginning of our relationship, she actually admitted she's bisexual. I get that she might be looking for different traits in a woman than I can provide if I take HRT, so that's probably still an issue.

Anyway, I'll just wait and see what happens next.

[Robbyv213]

@Marta

Unfortunately if you want to transition or explore this side of you with our overly putting your relationship at risk, then you will have to move at what ever pace she is comfortable with. Which means you could very well be in limbo for quite some time and that's not ideal and realistic for you either especially if you're suffering from other symptoms that will only get worse from not doing anything.

Eventually though everyone will have to face the music... Nothing lasts for ever, everything is constantly changing and evolving. Good days come and go as well as the hard days. It's a constant evolution of life. Unfortunately I know it's not possible to wait for ever on ones significant other especially if they're not making any effort to understand, or getting a their own h
Therapist to deal with the thoughts and emotions they're having etc. it would be a real shame for it to end of she did not make any real effort, but then again that's also a sign for you to see...

I'm dealing with the same issues. We're living like you said before everything came out. I'm slowly doing things that I don't care if she sees anymore. I'll wear my panties to bed or at home, I've been upping my game on my personal hygiene and moisturizing routine. Things that aren't really super big to push her limits but things that she will see and notice and realize panties are just underwear, or it's nice his hands and feet aren't covered in callous' anymore. I'm still me.

You can either transition fast alone, or transition slowly with your wife, granted you may still end up separating in the end but at least you will leave no stone left un turned trying to transition and keep your relationship in tact.

Ultimately you know where your limit is. Hopefully you both will have time to talk and work through it to when that time comes you can move forward with your wife.